Just a ridiculous cracky one-shot. I have no idea where this came from.


Another day, another battle, another migraine.

Soren loved his job because the man he loved was his boss, but there were times when he wanted to curl up in bed and get caught up on sleep. These times usually came after meetings, especially in this particular war, considering who was usually at those meetings.

"No, we have to keep fighting," Soren muttered crossly to himself as he left the planning tent in a huff. "No, we can't have peace, that would be stupid! No, we have to win an impossible war! Little beorc, make it happen! Little beorc, why can't you think faster? Because you can't think at all, large laguz, and-"

He walked into the supply tent and blinked in shock when he saw Aimee already there. This in itself was not a surprise, considering Aimee was a merchant and as such was well-associated with supplies. But she was sprawled over boxes and looking at him.

"Ike isn't coming," Soren said with a sigh, trudging in and pulling out his copy of the supply ledger.

"I know," Aimee purred, suddenly getting up and moving to block Soren's path. "I don't want Ike."

Soren stopped dead in his tracks. "You called him Ike," he breathed. "Not Ikey-poo. What's wrong with you?"

Aimee hastily fixed her hair before standing in a way to show off one immaculate hip. "Ike is clearly gay, but you, Sorey – oh Sorey, I want you to keep talking dirty to me!"

Soren took a step back, supplies forgotten.

"Call me your rose of Tellius again, my beautiful crimson-eyed sage!"

He fled from the tent.

Aimee pouted. "I'll get you yet! Your rose wants her thorns!"


Frankly, Ike was jealous. Soren was way better at avoiding Aimee than he had ever been.

He pulled Soren out of a well that stood in the center of camp. "I don't think she saw you this time."

Shivering and soaked, Soren still gave a sigh of relief. "Thank goodness. One time she did corner me and I had to... I had to..." He shuddered.

"I know, I know, it's rough." Suddenly he grinned. "On the bright side, she only talks to me to ask me where you are, and I always tell her you're in the opposite direction!"

Soren hugged him tightly, propriety be darned.

"And you can admit it," Ike said fondly as he left the soaked sage back to his tent to get dried up, "she's still better than Skrimir."

"When Aimee single-handedly ruins probably the greatest battle strategy I have ever devised, then she might approach being as bad as Skrimir."


"Hello, Ike," said Aimee, holding a tome in her arms and looking professional.

"Hi, Aimee," said Ike pleasantly, trying to remember where Soren was so he could tell her where he wasn't.

Aimee cleared her throat and held out the tome to him. "I would like you to give this to Sorey," she said. "It's a Rexcalibur tome, the greatest of the wind elements."

Ike's eyebrows shot up as he looked it over. "Wow, this is pretty nifty. Why are you giving it away?"

She crossed her arms and looked away. "Because the silly thing still thinks I want you," she huffed. "Sorry Ike, but that ship sailed long ago."

"Oh, darn," said Ike without feeling.

"So I want you to give that to him as a token of my undying, everlasting love for him and his sexy diminutive self."

Ike did not point out that he knew every inch of Soren's sexy diminutive self. "Then why aren't you giving it to him?"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Because he would be a gentleman and not accept a free gift from a beautiful woman, and so if I want him to have this lasting token of my affection you have to give it to him!"

Ike shrugged. "Sure."


The Tower of Guidance stood before them, but Soren couldn't see it through the tall green-haired warrior standing in front of him.

"Hello again, Soren," said Stefan smoothly, and Soren as usual found himself a little weak in the knees. He was no Ike, but he was -

"GET YOUR FILTHY HO-HANDS OFF MY MAN!"

Silence fell in camp as Aimee the merchant slapped the trueblade Stefan across the face.

Stefan for his part looked completely shocked, and yet there was a twinkle in his eyes that gave away he also thought this was incredibly amusing. Soren looked like he wanted to run, hide and never ever unbury himself.

"My what?" Stefan asked kindly.

Aimee was giving him her best intimidating look. "You know what I said. Sorey is mine and I won't let you seduce him from me!"

"Wait a minute, that is the Sorey you've been claiming?" Skrimir roared, "Little beorc? That one is mine!"

Soren looked pleadingly to Ike. The look on his face was accurately expressed by the emoticon D: . Ike, great hero of Tellius that he was, grabbed Soren by the arm and fled with him into the Tower of Guidance while Skrimir, Aimee and by default Stefan argued it out.

"And you say no one likes you," Ike teased.

"I've never said this before and I hope to never say it again: shut up, Ike."