Hola world! I'm sorry I've been gone so long. I honestly wasn't planning on writing for a long time, but my friend was looking at pictures for a story called Carlie's Eyes and the song inspired me to write this. I have to warn you, I'm not sure where I'm going with this and it might end very sadly.
I suggest you listen to these songs while you read it.
"Blind Pilot" by 3 Rounds and A Sound and "My Love" by Sia
Summary: Leah is in love with Jacob, but Jake is busy still pining after Bella. When Bella finds out how Leah feels, she pushes Leah over the edge and no one knows it but soon Leah might be too far gone to help. Everyone sees Leah has a problem but no one will take the time to understand. After all, Leah is just bitter, right? And the only one who might be able to see the truth is Jacob, but will he allow himself to believe it before it's too late?
I honestly wonder about my sanity sometimes. I wonder at how, after getting hurt by Sam, I let myself fall in love with another shape shifter, particularly an alpha named Jacob Black. Jacob was the first one in years who hadn't tried to either put me down or fix me. I guess it was because he understood how I felt because of the Bella issue. And at first I respected that. But then something happened. Jacob fixed me without even trying. All he had needed to do was just be him and let me be me. And that's exactly what he did. And now I find myself madly in love with someone who is completely unattainable. It just adds to how pathetic I've since Sam imprinted. That was 3 years ago and now I sit on the lawn at the Cullen's, playing good little lapdog like have been all this time. After the war with the Cullen's was settled, Sam gave the offer to come back to his pack but I refused, telling him that wasn't something I could go back to. My real reason? I would give anything just to stay with Jacob. Even if I had to watch him suffer and hear his love for Bella Cullen.
"Hey, she-wolf, go long!" Emmett yelled, hurling a football at me. I glared at him, but I got up and ran anyway, catching it perfectly. Honestly, Emmett and Rosalie were definitely my favorite out of all the Cullen's. Emmett was just so funny and playful and Rosalie knew what it was like to feel pain. Sure Esme and Carlisle were nice, but they weren't really people I get be best friends with, not that I'm best friends with Rosalie and Emmett, but we get along okay. As for Jasper and Alice, well Jasper avoided because I was one big ball of stress and pain and he could always sense it and Alice was just so damn hyper and happy. And I was the complete opposite. It was funny how oblivious everyone could be. I threw Emmett the ball and walked into the forest, wanting to be alone. I walked for a long time, just taking in the sounds of the forest.
Eventually I came to Bella, Edward, and their daughter Renesmee's cottage. Jake and Bella were out front, laughing and talking. They both looked up when I walked by. Didn't Jake notice the way Bella's eyes narrowed when she saw me? Or how the laughing smile faded into a scowl? No, he just stood there, waved at me and gave me a heartbreaking smile.
"Hey, Lee! Want to come over and hangout for a while? Bells has tons of food." Jake called to me. I just shook my head. See? Completely oblivious to the eating disorder that his precious little Bells had caused.
I walked through the forest, thinking of me and Jake's latest conversation. He had been telling of how he honestly wanted to get over Bella. He said he wanted to be strong like me and get over Bella without help, just like I had with Sam. And the whole time I wanted to scream that I had had help him. He had saved me. A twig snapped behind me. I whirled around and saw Bella standing there, glaring angrily at me.
"Oh, hey Bella" I said wondering why she was glaring at me. We didn't really get along but we weren't hostile towards each other. "What are you doing out in the middle of the forest so close to the border?"
"I came out here to talk to you," She told me, smirking like she knew something that I didn't.
"Okay…" I said, completely confused. What was with the creeper smirk?
"Stay away from Jake."
"Excuse me?" I gasped. What was she playing at?
"You heard me. I've seen the way you look at him and it needs to stop. I'm not going to let my Jake be with a bitter, low-life harpy like you. He needs someone sweet and supportive." She spat out the words like she was talking to someone she considered as scum. Which I knew was exactly as she viewed me.
"Alright, look, your smoking something Bella. I don't look at Jacob in any special way. He's my alpha and I'm his beta. That's it." I told her, worried that she would tell Jake and it would all blow up in my face.
"Don't even try to deny it, Leah. We both know you're in love with and we also both know you will never be good enough for him. Hell, you'll never be good enough for anyone so why don't you just do the world a damned favor and just go jump a cliff."
I was shocked by her harsh words. I mean, I've never been little Miss. Goody- Goody Nice to everyone, but Bella always seemed so timid and gentle. "Oh, you mean like you tried to when Edward and Jake both didn't want you anymore? It's such a damn shame Jake pulled you from the water."
"Maybe it is to you, but I just see it as more proof that he loves me and not you." She laughed haughtily and I knew she was right, Jake did love her. And he would never love me.
"Bite me, Bitch." I snarled at her. She just smiled. Whore.
"Maybe I will, I'd be doing the world a favor. Venom is toxic to you. Jake would certainly thank me. In fact, we were just talking and he was telling me that he was considering sending you back to Sam, he sick of all your bitterness and self pity." I knew she was just making it all up, but some poisonous part of me told me that it might just be true.
"You don't know shit, you stupid ho!"
"No Leah, you don't know shit. Everyone hates you! Seth can't stand you anymore, you're so damn bitter. Jake thinks you're annoying and wishes you had never joined his pack and well, we all know how Sam feels about you seeing as he picked Emily, your own cousin over you. The better choice, in everyone's opinion. And as for everyone else, they think you're a stuck up bitch with skanky habits, which is exactly what you are. We all know you slept with Jake one night. But unfortunately, you were a rebound to him and that's all you'll ever be to him. The annoying slut who he had a one night stand with while he was trying to get over Moi."
And that was it, all my defenses were gone. She had hit my every weakness, made my every fear a reality. I had nothing, I was nothing.
"You're right." I whispered and then I ran. I ran for hours, not knowing where I was going, not caring. All I could hear was the echo of all things I knew to be true running through my mind. I was stupid, I was a whore, I was bitter, and I would never be good enough for everyone let alone Jacob Black. Eventually exhaustion caused me to collapse and I hit the ground hard, near the tree house my father had built me when I was younger. It was far out in the woods and I had been using it as a make-shift home. I climbed up the ladder. When I got inside I sat down on the cot and stared out the window, finally noticing the painful stinging in my arm. I looked down to see a cut healing itself, but it had been deep enough to bleed and the blood was still running down my arm. There was something so beautiful about it. I walked over to the table in the corner in a haze, picked up a knife, and without a second thought, slashed it across my wrist over and over again. I watched the blood drip to the floor and suddenly, it was hilarious. I was being smart for once and listening to Bella. She had been right, I was nothing and I deserved to hurt. I laughed hysterically as I made another cut and then another and another. I fell to the floor laughing, making pictures out of the pool of blood. Then it was all black.
When I awoke the next morning, I was lying on a mat of dried blood and the cuts were just thin pink line on my wrist, a small memory of what had been. That was the first night I'd cut myself and I'd done ever since then. Along with cutting, there came the continuous supply of hard liquor I kept at all times and the pills. It took a lot to get a wolf high or drunk, but I'd found that if you do a lot of anything it affects you. If I were still human, I'd be dead, but it was too soon. I still had a little more time.
Me and Bella still met continuously, and she would insult me and I'd nod and agree. Seeing them together made waves of pain flow through me and I couldn't help it. I did what I'd been doing for years. I ran, straight to the tree house. I hastily climbed the ladder, dying the end the pain that was flowing through me. I downed seven pills and washed them down with vodka, loving the familiar searing pain that the vodka gave as it made its way down my throat and settled in my stomach. But the rush of emotions, the overwhelming pain, was just too much still. I drank more vodka, finishing off the first bottle in record time and moving on to the next, stumbling around as I searched for a knife. I finally found one when I was on my third bottle, it was under my cot, soaked in blood from a few nights ago. With a small smile, I dragged it across my wrist, pushing down harshly, feeling the veins tear and the blood flow, even as it all began to heal. I laughed as I continued and I didn't notice that she was there watching me, with a satisfied smile mixed with a slightly disgusted expression.
"You really are pathetic, you know that right? What would you father say? Oh, wait he's dead, you killed him. Scared him so bad with your freakishness that his heart stopped. How do you live with yourself? God, I would just kill myself. Especially when no one cares about me anyway. What's the point in staying? What are you waiting for?" She ripped me to pieces with her words and I just sat there and took it, drinking my vodka and shredding veins. Eventually she stopped, but what she said next nearly made me die right there, "Anyway, I just came here to tell you that we're leaving and Jake wants to come with us. Guess you're the alpha now. Oh, but you love Jake don't you?" She smiled cruelly, "His leaving will hurt you, won't it? Such a pity. But you know that you're not enough for him to stay, don't you? He'll never stay for you, not when he has me. Well, goodbye Leah. Oh, and you might want to clean this mess up, he'll be along soon to give you the good news. Tata!" and then she dashed away, laughing.
I immediately followed her directions, not wanting Jake to see me like this. When he did arrive, he was laughing and smiling with happiness. And I laughed and smiled with him, pretending just like always that I was okay. But I wasn't. And I never would be.
I left Leah's cute little tree house feeling pretty good. I had been worried about leaving her, but she seemed genuinely pleased for me. I made my way back to the Cullen's house and helped them continue to pack. For the next day, I said my goodbyes, packed and made arrangements for the pack. And then it was time to go. It had all gone by so fast. It seemed like just yesterday that I had challenge Sam and broken off from the pack. And then Leah and Seth had joined me… thinking of Leah made me realize now that while I had been with her yesterday, something had been off. The house and smelled weird… like vodka and blood.
"Hey, Bella!" I called.
She turned from buckling Ness and in and flashed me a grin, "Yeah, Jake?"
"I'm gonna go say goodbye to Leah."
"I thought you took care of her yesterday?" it was then that I noticed her eyes narrowing and the harsh tone. And then it hit me, Leah's changes over the past three years, Bella's random disappearances and how she always came back smelling strange. Smelling of… blood and vodka and Leah. Oh god. I looked at Bella and saw her. Saw her for what she really was. And then I ran and hoped to god I wasn't too late. I had been so stupid. Looking back I could see the signs, Leah not eating, the thin pink lines on her wrists, the way she always swam across the river even though we had built a bridge. She had covered herself well but I still should have seen it. I ran, and I could hear foot steps behind me. I phased so that everyone would hear me howl and phase too. The howl was so desperate that I knew everyone would come. Then I phased back and pulled my shorts on. Leah wasn't in the house and I had a feeling I knew where she would be. Eventually everyone caught up and began asking questions, but I ignored them, knowing that I could be too late and I needed to find Leah. Then I found her. She was on the side of the river, laying on a flat rock that we used to sit on together and talk for hours.
But there was something wrong. There was blood running down the sides of the rock, coming from her wrists. And it was bad. She had cut so deeply and so many times that she wasn't healing fast enough.
"Oh god Lee!" I gasped, dropping to knees beside her, scared to touch her and make it worse. All around me everyone gasped and yelled for help and Leah just stared at me. And then she just smiled.
"I'm so sorry, Jake. Sorry that I could never be enough. Sorry that I couldn't make you stay for me." She whispered, tears running down her face.
"Leah, god you were everything."
"No, Jake, Bella is right, I'm nothing." I don't know how I didn't see it coming. Maybe the act itself shocked me, but when she plunged the knife into her chest, all I could to do was scream. And scream and scream for her. Even as the light faded from her eyes and everyone tried to stop the blood and save her, all I could do was sob and scream and beg for my Leah to come back. But she was gone and she was never coming back. I sat there for hours, screaming and screaming. I remember Rosalie tackling Leah and nearly killing her and Sam ordering the entire pack to calm down while everyone cried. Even Emmett and Edward sobbed dryly with the rest of the Cullen's. Leah had been so loved, but Bella had blinded her to it.
That was 6 years ago. After that Edward saw everything in Bella's mind and divorced her. The packs joined again and banished Bella and no one had seen her since. Jasper had visited his friend J. Jenks and found out something so beautiful and terrible that it had nearly killed me. All those years ago, when I had slept with Leah, I had gotten her pregnant. And she had had a daughter and hidden it. She used J. to hide Leah Rose Black. And I had used her to get my daughter back. Today is the anniversary of Leah's death. We had buried her at the spot by the river where she died and every week I bring fresh flowers for it so that Leah knows I loved her and am remembering her. Even as I walk the familiar path to Leah's grave with my nine year old daughter, I get flashbacks to that fateful day and every night I dream of what should have been. Leah Rose phased for the first time a few weeks ago and she looked so like Leah. It's so terribly cruel, that because of the actions of one stupid girl, my Leah, my beautiful wonderful Leah will never smile at me again, never laugh at some sick joke Emmett made, never help her daughter through the painful teenage years. And worst of all its terrible that in her short life Leah experienced only pain.
I will never forget Leah Clearwater. And no one will ever forget what an amazing and beautiful person we lost that day.
There it is the incredibly sad story that the songs "Blind Pilot" by 3 Rounds and a Sound and "My Love" by Sia inspired me to write. I hope no one cries to much-