To a soul gone too soon. Because I'll never be able to watch Beauty and the Beast again without crying my eyes out. Every time someone refers to my name as "like the car?" I'll think of you and your horrible sexual car puns. We all miss and love you. You were too big for this world anyway.
"Those you've known and lost, still walk behind you. All alone they linger till they find you. Without them the world grows dark around you and nothing is the same until you know that they have found you"
-Moritz Stiefel "Those You've Known (Spring Awakening)
A year could change a lot. It could change how you look at your best friend. Instead of the happy-go-lucky teenage boy you thought you knew you see a damaged kid who thought he was strong enough to hold his emotions in. And in all honesty Logan Mitchell thought he had suffered enough heartbreak to last a life time.
But the scars were still present, still a daily reminder of his past, but they also seem to carry a significance that things couldn't get any worse than they had been at that point in his life.
He was wrong.
It was amazing how a few simple words could break you, make you lose control of your emotions so badly you don't remember where you are, you don't even remember your name the pain is so intense. You want to die. It would be a welcome relief from the pain, but your heart just won't stop beating, your lungs continue to take air in and out, even though the rhythm is disjointed and irregular.
Logan was waiting for the pain to pass, hoping he would suddenly wake up, tangled in his sheets, because this was all just a bad dream. But then the pain pulsed again, like a heart beat behind a bruise, and he was reminded how real it was. Even his subconscious wouldn't be this cruel.
His skin was numb, and although he knew somewhere in his mind that his friends were trying to calm him with light touches and reassuring hugs he couldn't feel it. He was trapped in a bubble of fire, but he wasn't getting out anytime soon. He had a bad feeling this was only the beginning.
Logan always looked for the rational answer. The one that made the most sense. Sometimes it didn't work. He could never explain why his foster dad had whipped him. The one that had burrowed in his mind and questioned him daily was the only question that Logan had never been able to answer. It killed him because it was the only question that ever mattered.
He buried himself in math and science as a way of coming up with the answer. If he could solve long complex equations then he should be able to answer his biggest question. It never worked, and he was always searching.
He thought maybe after he told his friends they could help him find the answer, but their lost and sad faces were enough to prove they didn't know anything better than he did. It was hard, but a year later he was actually feeling good.
Who would have known that telling his friends could take a weight off his chest? He didn't jump as much anymore when someone snuck up on him and he could actually say when he was having a bad day instead of burrowing it away. He was starting to be truly happy, not haunted every second by the skeletons in his closet. Sure, he still had days where we wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and sleep to rid the pain, hoping the nightmares wouldn't invade his mind, but in spite of that he was improving.
But now Logan felt like he was back a square one. He was five again, left to cry and bleed on the cold concrete floor of the basement because this couldn't be happening.
This would be another question that would haunt him until the day he died, because what had they ever done to deserve this? They were good people. GREAT people who had shown him what love looked like for the first time in his life. Logan could honestly say that without them he wouldn't be alive. They had gotten him through the hardest part of his life, told him they loved him, and made him think that he could be wanted. Now he had to go through this without them.
Wasn't there some kind of cosmic rule that too much grief couldn't happen to one person? There had to be a line drawn somewhere because Logan felt like he couldn't take one more ounce of pain or he would explode into a million microscopic pieces that could never be put together again.
Kendall wondered how the world could be so cruel. After all Logan had been through couldn't he catch a break? He had just started to really smile again, days went by without Logan having a single nightmare and if he did they were always there to help him through. He was actually coping with the grief. Now Kendall wondering if Logan could ever be happy again.
Logan's whole life, the life he was finally starting to take back, destroyed by one phone call. One fucking call was changing so much.
They had been hanging around the apartment, goofing off and acting like teenage boys normally do. Playing video games, trying to beat each other at dome hockey, actually injuring themselves playing real hockey. It was a great day, the sun was shining, their cares were discarded for a moment.
Logan had been laughing when he answered his buzzing phone. It had only taken a moment for the atmosphere of the room to change from happy and carefree to serious as Logan's face changed to shock and disbelief. The phone slipped from his hands, hitting the carpeted floor with a dull thud.
They rushed over and while James and Carlos worriedly asked Logan what was wrong Kendall picked up the fallen phone, bringing it to his ear, hearing the horrible news for himself. Logan was chanting over and over that it couldn't be true, couldn't be happening.
Kendall silently told James and Carlos, and watched the horrified expression come onto their features.
It took a long time to calm Logan down. An hour later he was still chanting that this had to be some sort of joke or prank; it couldn't be real, but after two more telephone calls back home it seemed to hit Logan that this was really happening.
Since the truth about Logan's childhood had come out Kendall, James, and Carlos had witness their fair share of Logan break downs. They thought they would easily be able to handle it as they had done in the past. Nothing could have prepared them for how bad it was.
There was a ten minute stretch at the beginning where they seriously debated calling an ambulance because Logan was hardly breathing. He finally calmed down a little after James pulled out his phone and began to dial, not wanting or needing medical assistance.
He was scaring Kendall more than anything had ever scared him before; worse than that first time when Logan had clutched his shirt and let ten years of pent up emotion out.
Logan was laughing when he answered the phone. Kendall wondered if he would ever laugh again.
So, I said I was going to wait to post this until after I saw Spring Awakening, but I couldn't resist and really wanted to get it up. I actually already have it all written. Sorry to say it's not very long, only 3 chapter, but this is really something I just needed to do for myself to get some emotions out. I'm sorry if it seems jumpy, but I was very emotional when I wrote this story. This whole thing was written within a week of my friends death, truthfully I was a wreck and all that came out of paper. What more can I say? Review? Please?