Sorry this took awhile. I'm a horrible updater...And this is the last chapter :( Ugh, this has not been a good week. I just feel like the entire world is against me right now. Every time I try to do something happy or fun it gets snatched away at the last moment. I hate disappointment more than about anything else. Ice cream does help heal the soul though (and it's the Bunny Tracks kinda so it's extra yummy!). Oh well, enough with my angst, on with Logan's...
"All things he never did are left behind. All the things his mama wished he'd bear in mind, and all his dad had hoped he'd know . . . All things he ever lived are left behind. All the fears that ever flickered through his mind. All the sadness that he'd come to own."
-Melchior Gabor "Left Behind" (Spring Awakening)
Kendall was having major deja vu, When Logan had first received the news of his parents death all four of them had been in the exact same position they were currently. However, this time it more heartbreaking, more final.
What scared Kendall the most was that Logan wasn't sleeping. He would barley drift off before waking up, crying and shaking because of nightmares, nightmares that caused him to relive the horrifying moments of discovery over and over again.
They took shifts staying up with Logan, not wanting to leave him alone for fear he would do something drastic, because he was a wreck. They thought he might go back to bottling his emotions up, maybe even shut them out. That's what Logan did when he was upset and Kendall would make damn sure that's not what happened again. But with Kendall's determination to keep Logan safe he also felt helpless agin. There was nothing he could do to ease his friend's pain and that fact alone killed him. He was supposed to make Logan feel better, supposed to protect him from getting his heart crush and he had failed.
Logically Kendall knew there was nothing he could have done to stop Logan's parents from dying, but he still felt guilty that he had broken his promise to never let anything hurt Logan again. Kendall couldn't protect Logan from everything no matter how desperately he tried. There was some things that were going to happen that no one had any power over. But did it all have to happen to one person?
Logan was a good person, hell, he was a fantastic person! Heartbreak wasn't what he deserved, but maybe Logan's past hardships made him the person he was. Maybe without his past he wouldn't be able to have the undying love and compassion for everyone around him like he did.
But as Logan sat shaking in Kendall's arms he didn't care if hardships made Logan who he was. All Kendall wanted was to take them all away with magic words or the wave of a wand, bu magic didn't exist, couldn't fix his friend.
Before they knew it all four boys were crying, letting their own grief take them over, breaking down walls that should've never been built.
"I c-can't believe this is happening again." Logan's words were soft and full of the internal turmoil he had been trying to hide for days.
"What are you talking about?" James said, his voice cackly as he looked into the eyes that used to be a rich chocolate brown, but now looked black, hollow, and dead.
"I'm an orphan again." It was physically painful for Logan to speak aloud the thought. Saying things out loud always made them more real, more final, more painful. If a thought stayed planted inside your head, you could convince yourself it wasn't real or true, but tell another person and it was in their head too, making the statement a fact and not simply an opinion. "I can't do it again, I just can't!"
"You're not an orphan." Kendall said, a certain edge to his voice.
"Yes I am. My parents are d-dead. I don't have any other family. What am I go-going to do?"
"You've got us." Kendall let go of Logan to look him, James and Carlos in the eyes. "We're your family. It doesn't matter that we're not blood related or I don't have a paper saying it's official, but you're our brother no matter what. We love you Logan. We won't ever leave."
James and Carlos had the same sudden fire in their eyes that Kendall did, wanting Logan to know he was loved and wanted. They wouldn't let it get to the point it had last time. Logan would not walk around thinking he didn't deserve to be loved. Not again. Not ever.
"I'm sorry." Logan chocked out, shuddering when he drew in a deep breath. "I don't want you guys to worry about me."
"We'll always worry about you Logan. That's what families do, they worry about each other."
For the first time in days Logan smiled, it was small and sad and didn't reach his eyes, but it was a start that gave Kendall hope for Logan's future, of their future. Hope that they could help him out of this.
Logan had known th whole "healing process" wasn't going to be easy. And it was hard, there was no denying that.
They say once you've hit rock bottom the only way to go is up, but in the weeks following the funeral Logan found himself face down in the gravel with no way of pulling himself out. Luckily he wasn't doing it alone this time.
The thing that genuinely upset Logan the most was that he legitimately though he would have been able to deal with everything quite well, if it wasn't for the nightmares. Every night he would wake up shaking and confused. The dreams were never bloody or overly dramatic, it was just him, Kendall, Carlos, and James sitting in the floor crying and clutching each other. Logan couldn't even figure out why the dreams were so upsetting because it shouldn't bother him as such as it did.
When he woke up his heat would drop and his chest would feel hollow, like there had never been a heart there to begin with. His whole body would go numb because he simply couldn't feel anymore. His mind was in sensory overload. He would just sit in his room and stare at the walls for hours, not able to muster the strength to move or even cry. At this point he thought he had run out of tears.
Logan tried to move on, tried to throe himself back into work for the band as a distraction from the grief, It worked to an extent. Even when thing came up that should have made him happy the depression was always there in the back of his mind. Logan wondered if a day will ever go by that he doesn't think of them.
The raw emotion would come pouring out at random times, Logan couldn't regulate or control it. They will be in the recording studio or at dance rehearsal when suddenly it will hit him all over again that he won't be able to call his parents when he gets home and tell them about what stupid thing Carlos had done that day. He hated crying in front of other people. It made him feel weak.
Driving in the car was hell. Logan had to keep his head down or risk having a panic attack at seeing all of the cars so close together. Any minute one could make a wrong move and it would be over for someone else he loved. He never relaxed how venerable everyone was before.
What hurt the most though was that Logan never got to tell his parents just how much they meant to him. He didn't even get to say goodbye. They would never know that Logan held them accountable for the person he turned out to be. Without them he would have grown up with no love or compassion. He would have never known what to do with his emotions. He owed them his life.
It came as a shock to Kendall, James, and Carlos when Logan walked in the living room of the apartment two months after the tragedy to say "I don't want to be a doctor anymore."
They just stared at him, because Logan Mitchell not wanting to be a doctor was the absolute craziest thing they had ever heard before in their entire life's, and that included all the crazy plans Carlos came up with on a daily basis.
"I mean, I don't want to be a physical medical doctor. I want to be a psychologist. I want to help people get better mentally. The physical medicine can only do so much, you know? Just because someone's skin is healed doesn't mean they're any better. I want to fix that."
The most important lesson his parents had ever taught him was that people with good hearts could fix someone that was broke. His scars would never fully fade, but he could help someone else from forming their own.
Logan had always thought his scars defined him, that they made him who he was, but he was wrong. It wasn't the bad things that counted, it was the good. The people who could make you smile mattered a thousand times more than the ones that made you cry.
When he was face down all he had to do was reach a hand up, knowing one of his friends would always be there to pull him up. They were what mattered most.
The more time passed the easier it was to function. Logan still thought about his parents everyday and missed them like crazy, but he knew he couldn't shut out the pain this time. He wouldn't do that to his friends. But Logan also realized that it wasn't goodbye because they would see each other again one day, and he would finally be able to thank them for everything they had done. But until then he had two guardian angles in the sky. Two people looking out for him. Two people he loved.
I hope you enjoyed this! I kinda feel like I'm leaving a part of myself behind with this ending. Again, sorry if it's jumpy or sucky or whatever. I have a feeling I won't be getting much sleep tonight even though I am dead tired and there are probably mistakes galore, but what can you do? I have like a million other fanfic ideas that are all battling with my head as to which one gets written first. I guess only time will tell... so be on the lookout! And just to know, who loves the new BTR cd? My little brother is in love with the song "Nothing Even Matters" and has a whole little dance to it. I swear it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen. I so need to tape it and put it up on YouTube. Anyway... thank you so much for reading and reviewing this because it really does mean a lot! Love you all!