This morning, Arthur came into his room to find a letter lying on his bed. How did it get there? Who is this mysterious writer? Will she continue to terrorize Camelot with her sarcasm and wit? You bet. IT went as follows:
The Rules of Arthur's Life, Which He Follows to the Letter and Would Never Even Think about Breaking
I. Male Servants
One. Servants are servants are servants. There are no exceptions.
Two. So, if you follow rule one, there would never, ever be a need to risk your life for one.
Three. If you did feel the need to risk your life for some servant, it would be purely the magnanimous future King speaking, not some affection on your part.
Four. Since there is no affection, there is no friendship. Servants are never best friends to royalty.
Five. Do not talk to servants as though they are equal to you, because of course, they are not.
Six. Calling a servant an idiot is only allowed if you actually mean they are an "idiot" not "I was so worried about you for a moment there, because you are my friend." (Note: See rule 4)
Seven. Don't take Advice from servants. They are always wrong. Especially if their name begins with an "M" and ends with an "N".
Eight. If you begin to think a servant could be right, see rule 7.
Nine. Servants are incapable of being warlocks.
Ten. Never do what a servant who is your friend tells you to do because they are right, because they should not be giving advice in the first place. (See rules 1, 4, 7, 8, and 5.)
II. Female Servants
Eleven. See rule 1.
Twelve. Servant girls are not prettier than nobility.
Thirteen. Never sneak glances at servant girls, because the rule above makes it pointless.
Fourteen. Never sneak conversations with servant girls.
Fifteen. Never look at servant girls admiringly.
Sixteen. Always make sure servant girls have somewhere to sleep if you are forced to spend time in their house.
Seventeen. Never feel affection toward servant girls.
Eighteen. Never do a servant girl favors because you feel affection for them. If you believe you are in danger of this, see rule 17.
Nineteen. Don't be embarrassed around servant girls because you wonder what they think of you.
Twenty. Never, ever, ever, EVER catch your breath, forget what you're doing, let your heart beat faster, or feel your palms begin to sweat when the aforementioned girl walks into the room… because you aren't watching her walk in anyway. (See rule 13.)
Twenty- One. Fathers are always right.
Twenty-Two. Fathers are never wrong.
Twenty-Three. If your father is the king, you are not to argue with his judgment calls.
Twenty-Four. If your father says magic is evil, never doubt that for even a split second.
Twenty-Five. If your father wants to burn servant girl from rules 11-20, don't argue with him. She isn't worth it. (See rules 23 and 17.)
Twenty-Six. If your father is being particularly stupid or cruel, you should definitely turn a blind eye. You should NOT do something stupid (For example, break a Druid boy out of jail).
Twenty-Seven. Never bother to tell your father that such-and-such (insert name) is not a sorcerer.
Twenty-Eight. If you have broken rule 27, give up after the first five times the plan blows up in your face.
Twenty-Nine. Never let yourself be convinced your father does not love you.
Thirty. If you are in a fanfic and have recently discovered that the servant from rules 1-10 is a warlock, never, ever, ever hide him from your father's unfair wrath. Let things alone. (See rules 1, 9, 22, 24…)
Thirty-One. Never think past what the world can do for you. If you find yourself in danger of not acting like a jerk to all you meet… see rules above.