Hey all, so this is my first fanfic. Of course, all feedback is appreciated but you know, please be nice :)
this one gets pretty heavy in the later chapters, and yes, there will be more talking in the next one, i promise.
Disclaimer: I don't own Rookie Blue, or anything cool like that. (wah)
At A Loss
Andy counted her paces as she made her way down the deserted street, her arms at her sides. She knew she should be at home, sleeping. Like normal people do at 2 in the morning. The thermometer had read -4 C when she left her apartment, but somehow she didn't actually feel the cold nipping at her limbs until she stood in front of his door, contemplating her options. Then she realized she didn't really have any. Either go home and slip into a catatonic state, one that she was already well on her way to, or knock on his door and slip into a catatonic state in his arms.
She could see a dim light was on in his living room. She slowly brought her hand up and tapped her fingers on the door, simply not having the energy to knock properly. She heard him walk slowly down the hallway, and braced herself for the inevitable lecture. 'Why are you at my house, McNally?' 'I was sleeping, McNally.' He hadn't called her Andy in weeks. When he opened the door, she drew in a quick breath as she took the sight of him in. He looked just like she did.
"It was my fault." Sam whispered, wiping his eyes and leaning against the door frame. His hair was tossed in every which direction, his shirt stained with the blood from the blow to his head. She hadn't changed since earlier, either. She couldn't just wash it off, she couldn't let go. His eyes were bloodshot and wide, unable to focus on anything. She measured her words carefully, noting his tear stained cheeks. She opened her mouth to say something, but no words seemed capable of repairing the damage that the day's events had done to the both of them.
He turned back into the hallway and walked a few steps into the house, she followed. After closing the door behind her, she turned around to look at him. She was completely numb, and had been for a few hours now. Wasn't hungry, wasn't thirsty. She was on autopilot. As it became evident now, so was he. Her heart and lungs froze when he turned his head to look at her with an emotion she'd never seen on him before. Resignation.
"Sam." She choked out. He leaned back against the wall and slid down to the floor, his knees bent. The lamp in the living room didn't reach them as Andy joined him on the hardwood and they sat in darkness. She didn't know what he needed. She hated herself for it. Because, in reality, it was her fault; not his.
When she leaned into him, all of her feeling returned. She thought she had wasted all of her tears earlier, but now it was clear that Sam was able to extract her deepest emotions with a single touch.
A sob shook her shoulders and tears cascaded down her face. She'd never felt so guilty, so weighed down by something in her life. She clenched her fists and slammed them against her knees, before turning to him and finding words.
"I did this. It was my fucking fault." She sobbed. She'd always been a very well contained person, but self loathing can change that pretty quickly. "I couldn't save her. I couldn't fix it and she just…" Her voice trailed off. He pulled her close to him and buried his face in her neck as she trembled, clenching and unclenching her fists. She was rambling on about nothing, none of her sentences making any sense. He thought about everything and nothing at the same time, and quickly became immersed in his own mind. He was pulled out of his daze by a loud noise.
"Sam!" She screamed at him, hysterical. She didn't understand how this could happen, how she could feel this way. Like there was no tomorrow, and she'd just destroyed today. When he pulled away and looked her in the eyes, she stopped moving. She stopped everything. She realized that if anyone deserved comfort, it was him. She untangled herself from his arms and turned her body to face him. "She loved you." Sam rested his head in his hands and breathed heavily, trying to hold on to his well loved control. Andy took his hands in hers and touched her forehead to his, hoping to comfort him. She felt goose bumps spread over his body as his shoulders began to tremble.
"This was my fault, Andy. I promised I would protect her, and I couldn't. I should have been the one taking the bullet, I shouldn't be here. I should be lying dead in some funeral chapel and she should be here." He whispered. Without warning he lifted himself off the ground and walked into the living room. Andy followed him in and watched him pace. "I lost her. She was scared, and I wasn't there. I'm fucking pathetic, how could I let this happen?" He threw a punch through the wall, making Andy jump and leaving a gaping hole beside the TV. He ran his hands through his hair, minding his stitches. Andy walked up to him, and took his hand. She told him to sit on the couch and she went to grab a blanket. When she returned, he was back in the hallway. "You can't expect me to sleep." He looked at her.
"I don't. I was just gonna cover up that hole." She told him. She dropped the blanket on the ground and returned to her spot on the floor where Sam quickly joined her.
"I don't think I can live with myself." He said; his voice barely audible.
"Me either." Andy croaked, tears welling up once more. This time, when he saw her eyes grow glassy, his did too.
"Fuck, Andy. What happened today?" He asked, his voice desperate. Andy turned to him, tears beginning to spill.
"We lost." She whispered. Sam's face sang devastation as Andy pulled him into her, his head nestled in the crook of her neck. She grasped his hand, and felt the tension in his body disappear as tears slowly trickled down his face. He shook as he sobbed, and Andy did too. They knew they'd never be able to forget what they'd seen.