I do not own Twilight.
~ENDS AND BEGINNINGS~
"There are things that we never want to let go of,
people we never want to leave behind.
But keep in mind that letting go isn't the end of the world,
it's the beginning of a new life."
~ Unknown ~
As I walk through the dense woods I watch the small woodland creature scurry away from me, almost as a blind instinct, running away from what I am, what I can transform into. It's only been a couple of weeks since I saw you last but it feels like forever. I know you don't want to see me, all my thoughts confirmed by your mother, your brother Seth and even you.
It kills me to know you don't want to see me, nor have anything to do with me. It was like yesterday you were always with me, holding my hand, lying next to me, riding my back all the way to the store, and now, now you can't even leave the house to meet me, nor return the mass amounts of calls I have made to your home.
I know Seth is lying when he says your out or you're busy, because I have had Jared keep an eye out for you every day. He usually reports back with the same thing, that you haven't left your house and that you haven't even left your room.
I still don't know what I am going to say when I see you, how I am going to make you believe me, when I tell you I still love you, though the current change in events.
The last time you saw me was such a mess. I hadn't meant for you to walk in on me and Emily, kissing and caressing each other tenderly, on my own mothers couch. I hadn't meant for you to see any of that, because I know it hurt you seeing me kiss her the way I kissed you.
Emily had decided to show up that morning and apologise for any confusion of feelings and that she didn't want me and that she loved you enough to stay away from me. But like all imprints, one thing led to another and the moment she kissed me, we both knew it had changed.
I don't want you to be mad at me or Emily, but you are. Emily comes crying to me after she talks to your mother about how you are. Sue tells her that you haven't eaten and you refuse to talk to anybody, which is so unlike you and your bursting personality. You're not those types of girls that mope around and cry over boys, you're not the girl that gives up and reduces herself to pitiful anger. You are the girl that laughs and dances even when everyone is looking. It's not that you love attention but more that you love life and all the joys in it.
Your Leah Clearwater after all, sunshine and rainbows, big smiles and even bigger beautiful eyes.
I knew all the boys where jealous when I finally scored a date with you in high school. I was even jealous of myself. Even that little shit Jacob Black who was always following you, like the sun shone from your ass tried to fight me after he learned about the date I had planned for you.
Jacob was always by your side, looking at you like you were the most important person in his life. The kid wouldn't quit, I swear. Anytime I saw you after school waiting for your dad to come and pick you and your brother up, Jacob Black was there, doing something stupid or telling you jokes, just to get you to smile at him.
I wasn't jealous, per say, of him; I just hated how he made you smile. I wanted you to smile at me and only me like that because you were supposed to be my girlfriend and not hang around little kids like they meant more to you than I did. Though I did come to the conclusion that you loved your little brother and were thankful for the few friends he had. Maybe even Harry had told you that you were to be nice to Jacob, because after his mother died he had no women role models in his life besides his sister's, who weren't particularly nice to him.
As I come into view of your house I freeze. I feel the chains around my heart tighten as I see the worst thing I could ever have imagined. You're sitting on the porch steps with a shawl atop of your lap covering your legs and you're graced in your dad's old LaPush football jumper. Your hair is wild and left down, just the way I have always loved it and your big brown eyes are glassy, indicating you have been crying. Up until now I have never seen you cry and it is tearing the insides of my organs apart, knowing that I am the one who upset you. You didn't even cry when your pet turtle, Mr Jones died and we buried him together in the yard. You loved that turtle so much, it had been the first pet you ever had, brought home by your dad and Billy after they found it injured in the lake.
You're looking straight in my direction, but I know I am hidden well enough for you not to see me. Maybe you know I am standing here, camouflaged by the trees, because you know me, everything about me, and even everything I do before I do it.
I don't know if that comes with the person you are, always watching and taking in things, noticing the small unimportant things about me like you have always done, or if it's because even though Emily is my universe you are still my gravity, holding me down to you like the pull of a million tonne planet.
I can see your lips part and you're mumbling to yourself speaking too low for me to hear, and your head is shaking like your trying to tell yourself something important. The faint sound of Harry on the guitar in the living room is obstructing my concentration to focus in on your voice. Your father's voice echoes into my memory banks pulling on the emotions inside me, making me think of how much of my own father I missed. Harry and you share a talent in music, especially in singing.
I really want to get closer just to hear what you're saying and hear the sweet honey of your voice because it still hurts at night not being able to sleep without you. I can feel the burn in my chest as I think about how your body used to lie against mine, pressed into every crevice and covering my whole skin. How you used to hum small lovely tunes as I drew love hearts and spirals over your golden skin after we kissed until our lungs hurt.
The last couple of nights when I am certain Emily is asleep I sit in the rocking chair my mother gave us as a present, her hopes riding on a grandchild even before our wedding. I sit there, running my hands through my hair and looking at Emily's sleeping form, wondering if she really is the woman for me. Her hair is similar to yours but she doesn't have the shine, or the same silky texture as yours does. With her sleeping I am actually able to look at her more closely without having her sad eyes look at me. Her skin isn't like yours either, it's almost more dull and though a tad lighter than yours doesn't feel at all softer. Her face is pulled into a slight grimace as she sleeps unlike you.
I loved when you would pout when you slept. Your full lips looked so inviting I could hardly help myself and even stole a couple of soft kisses while you dreamt peaceful dreams. I wonder if you still say my name in your sleep and whether you still sleep on the right side of the bed, even though I am not there.
I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you and still want you in my life. I know with the imprint you will never understand that I didn't want to leave you and break all the promises I made to you, just like my father made to my mother. I never wanted to be that man, not ever, and especially not for you. I wanted to be strong and show you that although we share the genetics of our families, we do not share the same traits. I guess the imprint proved both your mother and your best friend Jacob Black right. I was exactly like my father. I was nothing but empty promises and not worth your time. I was, as Sue put it so eloquently, beneath you.
Pulling at the branch in front of me, I am able to get a better look at your face. Your cheeks are redder than your normal blush and you look like you may have lost some weight, much to my distain. I always loved the soft curves of your body and even liked the slight weight in your tummy. You weren't like the other girls and it was no secret that you loved your food. You were a healthy eater with a healthy appetite, and you weren't ashamed to order just as much as I did. I guess that was just another thing to love about you. You did things your way and by your rules.
I remember the time I caught you looking at yourself in the mirror, studying your absolutely stunning figure. You had a little frown in your eyebrows and your eyes where squinted looking at each part of your body. I had walked up to you and held you tight against me, loving the feel of your soft skin against mine. You mumbled something about the jeans you had brought at the mall not fitting so well anymore, which I laughed off because you didn't look any bigger to me and you were still my Lee-Lee even with a few added kilos which only made me want you more. The swell of your breasts became more prominent in your tight fitting tops and your ass actually looked better in jeans.
You scoffed and told me I was being an idiot and dating a fat chick, but I soon cut you off with a sweet kiss. You were the perfect woman and you were beautiful, no matter what.
Looking at you sitting on the porch was brining all the memories that seemed to have been shoved to the very back of my mind. How could I have forgotten about you so very quickly when you were my solace and gravity? In you I found peace and love and devotion, all the things I was not given as a child, growing up in a one parent family with a mother who had to work hard just to put food on the table.
My mother was still calling me asking me what had happened between us and I still couldn't give her an answer. She had asked if I didn't love you anymore which I had no answer to because I still did. I couldn't explain that with you gone, Emily had taken your place beside me, your sister, your cousin, the one female you truly felt that would always be your best friend. I guess I fucked that for you as well. Though both Emily and I still wanted to be in your life I knew that it would never be the same.
I ducked down slightly hiding myself better in the bushes as I felt the hairs rising on the back of my neck. A deep growl erupted from my chest as I watched Jacob Black open the front door carrying with him a mug, no doubt filled with Billy Black's famous 'Black' tea, to make you feel better.
What the fuck was Jacob Black doing here, ruining my chance to make things right with you? I growled again as I felt my hands shaking wanting to shift into my wolf form and tear the boys head from his shoulders.
He frowned as he stood behind you and then moved to sit next to you. He placed his hand on your elbow, shifting your body so that you were now sitting in between his legs on the step below, resting you head against his chest and closing your eyes. Whispering something in your ear, he takes your hand and wraps it around the warm mug, earning a small smile from your lips.
I can see his body shaking as he chuckles, and you allow him to wrap his arms around your waist and place his chin in the crook of your neck, peering over your shoulder and watching you take small calculating sips of the hot liquid.
I can feel a burn move up my spine as you sigh and smile into the mug, as his hands venture up to your shoulders, cupping and massaging the skin there. I can't believe you are letting this boy, do these things to you, he's 17 for crying out loud and your letting him touch you like I normally would.
That motherfucker was cunning and as sly as a damn fox. He thought it wasn't apparent but I see and hear many things that happen around LaPush. I know for a fact that Jacob Black has had a crush on you since he was an infant.
Billy would often comment about the way Jacob would sit in his bassinet and watch you as his mother would braid your hair, intertwining it with flowers and ribbons for the yearly LaPush tribal Welcoming, letting outside tribes and the pale faces on to the reservation for a celebration of unity, trying to encourage the partnerships between all races in the nearby towns. Billy would laugh and tell us all how Jacob would watch you and smile as you cooed at him, only to give his parents grief once you left with your mother and father.
I remember when Billy told us this certain story one night and Jacob sat with his face in his palms blushing in front of everyone at the bonfire. Even then I felt the jealousy as you left your place next to me on the sand, going over to hug Jacob's back and ruffle his hair making him blush even more. You didn't know how much I wanted to and could have beaten up a 15 year old kid for crushing on you, and glancing at you that whole night across the fire, desire and lust pumping through his teenage veins.
My throat constricts with a dry burn as I witness him kissing your shoulder softly, making your eyelids flutter and your lips to part in an apparent sigh. Your liking what he is doing and it's pissing me off to no end.
I watch as you head tilts to the side as his kisses increase up to your neck and even to behind your ear. It had taken me almost a year to find out that your one weakness was the patch of skin on your neck just behind your ear, yet the little fucker finds it instantly. My frown increases when he again whispers something in your ear, earning a giggle and a nod of your head.
With a big smile Jacob moves from behind you, pulling at your hand making you stand with him. Another predatory growl erupts as the shawl slips from your legs and you're in nothing but boy short underwear and a jumper, though your feet are covered by your favourite purple ugg boots. The bile rises in my throat thinking about why in the hell you would let him see you in your underwear. The vile thoughts roll around in my head thinking of what you have been doing while locked in your bedroom over the last couple of weeks, especially if Jacob Black has been hanging around you like a little puppy.
Jacob turns your hands, taking one of them in his palm and placing the other on his shoulder, which allows him to slip his hand to your waist. He smiles as he pulls you closer, pressing you into him and rocking to the sounds of your father playing an old Quileute song that is only sung to another when in love.
His hands don't venture down as I thought they would, but he does let his fingertips dance on your hips and running small circles up the back of your jumper. Your head is turned towards me and your laying your head against his chest, smiling discreetly as he lays his chin on you head.
It wasn't until now that I have noticed the change in Jacob. He isn't a boy anymore and it seems as though he has grown a few inches. The muscle definition is apparent through his black shirt and his long hair is strung back into a ponytail. I run a hand threw my own hair remembering that I no longer have the long locks you loved to play with when we would hang out in your room.
I back away slowly, as my body shakes and my wolf rumbles inside of me. He wants to transform me into the monster I am, and make me attack you both.
You can't begin to believe how much pain I am in once it hits me like a thousand tonnes of bricks in my stomach.
You've replaced me. With Jacob.
But that was 5 years ago…
So as I write this to you Leah, I just want you to know, that through everything, every moment, every kiss and every embrace, every tear and every argument, that I love you.
I need you to know that I will always love you, and even though it's not the way I planned, please know that you are the most incredible person I have ever meet, and I do hope that someday we will become friends again. You lost your finance and your best friend, but so did I. I lost you, and you were both to me.
I am sorry that I won't be there to watch you marry the man you have vowed to be with forever, like you did for me and Emily, but that is because while you had the strength to watch me let you go, I do not. Emily sends her well wishes as usual and Tyler really wanted to see all of you, but I had to tell him that we would be visiting his grandmother in a different reservation for today.
I guess I wrote this letter to let you know that I still care and I do hope you live a happy life with Jacob, who seems to have everything you were looking for in a man and everything you deserved.
One last thing, if that fucker ever hurts you, he will have both me and my pack to answer to. As well as a very upset Tyler, who refuses to believe you are going to marry Jacob and not him.
"Are you fucking kidding me?" Jacob growled as he scrunched up the pieces of paper in his hands. He felt like his insides where burning and his head was swimming in a sea of 'pissed off'. "I am going to fucking kill him" He shouted as he threw the ball of paper across the room, hitting the floor length mirror and bouncing into the corner.
"Calm down, will you? Now - is not the time" Leah sighed as she wove the last of the white flowers into her perfectly curled hair, which sat pinned high up in a loose bun.
Jacob stood pacing the small bedroom, mumbling curse words making Jordan giggle as she sat on the bed watching his face turn red from anger. "Are you shitting me Lee? The son of a bitch called me a fucker" He shouted punching the frame of the door making it dent.
"Okay enough Black. I told you I would let you read the letter, if you didn't flip out and what do you do? You have a fucking hernia. Now I don't want to hear another word about it. Sam is a fucking crazy man if he thinks the letter changes anything." Leah shouted as she stood up. She glared at Jacob as she placed a hand on her hip and watched him as he continued to pace the floor burning holes in the new carpet Seth had laid throughout the house.
"It may not change anything but I still want to kill him. Who the fuck does he think he is? It's our goddamn wedding day and he decides to write you a fucked up letter telling you that he'll always love you and blah blah fucking blah." Jacob shouted back at Leah.
"So? I love you, end of story. Who cares if Sam still loves me or whatever? He has Emily, he has Tyler and he has a fucking god complex. I can't stop him from losing the plot every now and then, like when he decided to write this letter!" She growled back, smacking her lips together, moistening and spreading the red lipstick on her full lips.
"Fuck! Fuck! FUCK!" Jacob cried out as he pulled a hand through his short cropped hair and rubbing the back of his head.
"Language!" Jordan laughed from the bed unable to hold in the laughter. She had become accustomed to the language they both used since she was a baby. Grandma Sue would be very angry at them both if she heard them talking.
Jacob froze turning to the small girl and nodded "Sorry baby, Daddy's upset and Uncle Sam is going to die a slow and painful death." He moved to kiss her forehead as she straightened out her white flower girl's dress.
Leah also flattened out the silk of her simple white dress and rolled her eyes at Jacob, who was now smiling up at her from the bed. "You look beautiful Lee" He breathed as she pinned a small blue button, which belonged to her father's favourite shirt, to the corner of her dress.
"Yeah mummy you look really pretty" Jordan smiled as she covered Jacob's eyes. "Grandma Sue is going to be angry that Daddy is seeing your dress"
Jacob laughed pulling Jordan's hand from his face kissing her palm. "Don't worry sweety; I have Sue Clearwater wrapped around my little finger."
"Oh really, you think so?" Leah smirked as Jacob grinned cockily at her.
"I know so" He said wiggling his eye brows.
"Jordy, go tell Grandma that your daddy is in here, while mummy is in her dress" She said sweetly to her daughter.
Jordan hoped off the bed kissing Jacob's cheek and moving to the door. "Sorry daddy" She mumbled as her small white sandals padding on the floor, made Leah smile. Jordan looked so pretty in her dress and her hair curled around her face. She was like a tiny replica of herself when she was a doting 4 year old.
"You're both evil" Jacob mumbled as he lay back on the bed, closing his eyes and placing his hands behind his head.
"Oh but that's why you married me don't you remember? I am an evil temptress that seduced poor little Jacob Black" She drawled as she climbed over his legs, pulling her dress up and straddling his waist.
With his eyes still closed he smiled, moving his hands from his head to her hips. "As I remember, it was me who was doing the seducing" Jacob chuckled rubbing his hands up and down her folded legs.
"Details, details" Leah whispered, laying her hands on his chest and placing a kiss on his chin and then his lips.
"Very important details I might add" Jacob breathed as Leah began to unbutton the collar of his button up shirt, dragging her lips across the heated skin of his throat.
"Gross" Seth whined as he scrunched his face up, standing in the doorway, peering at the two disgusting lovebirds.
"Oh it's about to get a lot more gross in –"Jacob started as he peeked open an eye at his watch. "-about 4 hours"
"Mum said, and I quote 'If Jacob Black doesn't get his big ass out of that room, I will drag him out by his tail' unquote. So- I suggest you do so, unless you don't want any more children." Seth smiled, pleased at his mother's choice of words.
"Well in that case-" Jacob chuckled hurriedly, flipping Leah so she was under him and kissing her nose "- I'm out"
Leah laughed shaking her head. "Pussy"
As Jacob went to open his mouth, Seth glared hard at him, making him stop in his tracks. "Don't do it Black" Seth scolded folding his arms and leaning against the doorway.
"Fine. I'll see you soon buttercup" He smiled kissing her lips and getting up off the bed.
Leah watched as Jacob left the room, no doubt heading down stairs to grovel on his knees to her mother. She smacked her lips together again, as she pushed herself up into a sitting position. Leah could see out of the corner of her eye Seth still standing there looking over her.
"You need something Seth?" She asked turning to face him.
Seth smiled wide shaking his head "Nah I am good. You look real pretty Leah."
Leah's bottom lip trembled as she looked over at her grown up brother who was looking and acting more and more like a man every day. "Thanks Seth" She crookedly smiled.
"Dad would be proud of you. You and Jacob are good together, ya know? Like two peas in a crazy pod. I think he would have loved to be here, to see the woman you are now, and to see Jordan, hell even to see me" He explained walking over to her and helping her off the bed. "Dad would have said so many things, and because he's not here, I thought I'd say them" Seth smiled as he pulled out a scrunched up piece of paper from his jacket.
"You wrote it down?" Leah laughed.
"Hey give me a break I am doing my best. Alright so-" Unfolding the paper, he took a breath and spoke.
"Leah, I love you and am happy that you found someone you can spend your life with."
Seth gulped as he felt a hand on his back. Turning he saw his mother standing next to him, smiling between the two of them. "Please don't let me interrupt" Sue whispered.
Seth nodded and continued "Jordan is such a special little girl and I hope she turns out just like you. She loves with her whole heart and brings everyone so much happiness. She is your daughter, my granddaughter, and she is perfect. I know Jacob will make you happy and the only thing I ask is that you never ever, have sex while your brother is in the house."
"SETH!" Sue shriek slapping the back of his head.
"What? I thought I would just add that in there. Think of it as my own 'special clause'" he smiled sheepishly.
"BUT – Your mother loves you, and so does you little, though very handsome brother and they will always be here for you, no matter what." Seth sighed, folding up the small note and placing it back in his jacket.
Leah had tears rolling down her cheeks matching that of her mother. "That's so sweet Sethy" Leah said walking over to Seth and wrapping her arms around his back and sobbing into his shirt.
"I didn't intent to make you cry though" He whispered rubbing his hand up and down her back. "I love you sis" He said laying his cheek on the top of her head and hugged her back, knowing he had told her only the truth.
"I love you too Seth" She whispered into his shirt.
Sue stood next to her two children embracing and wiped the tears from her eyes. "You two with be the death of me" She chuckled, her heart bursting with happiness. "Okay enough crying, we have a wedding to attend" Sue said shooing them apart and clapping her hands together.
Giving Leah a quick hug she raced down the stairs to round up all of the guests and to finish off the last minute food preparations.
"You ready Mummy?" Jordan asked peeking around the corner, her eye brows raised high waiting for a response.
"Of course. I have been waiting my whole life for this moment" She smiled grabbing her bouquet off the dresser and striding to the door.
"You have?" Seth asked cocking his head to the side. "With Jacob?"
Leah nodded, grabbing Jordan's hand and moving down the hallway. "I knew since I was 6 years old, Sarah Black was doing my hair and a 2 year old Jacob was watching me from his bassinet. You know what his first words to me where Seth?" She asked turning back to look at him.
Seth shook his head and waited for her response. Leah smiled wide as she picked up Jordy and placed her on her hip. "It was 'I love you'"
Leah smiled to herself, walking down the steps of the small house towards the man she was going to spend the rest of her life with and to the life Sam Uley could never give her.
AN – I couldn't resist this little piece. Kei, you gave me so much inspiration from 'Misery loves Company', that I decided to keep up with the angst that is Sam. I loved it so much! ^_^
Now as you all may or may not know, Kei has also been busy torturing me with images of my favourite WILF… though I do appreciate the visuals of all that ice cold water running down his heated chest, almost turning into steam, as his full lips are wrapped around the top of the bottle, his adam's apple bobbing up and down *Ses's eyes move up and down gulping* and… eeep! *wipes sweat off brow* I have to stop right now… it's getting too intense up in this bitch!
So in conclusion… I am working on my next 'No Series' stories. It will be Blackwater as I have not written one for my favourite wolf pairing for a while. I blame Embry, Collin, Brady and even Rebecca Black with her mild fantasy about our favourite gal.
Love you all… but my hard love is saved for Kei, Cu, and Hilja! Mwah! Love you sweeties!