The prompt is here http :/ puckrachel . livejournal . com / 592150 . html ? thread=15970070 # t15970070 just remove the spaces. Edited some but not heavily, so if there are a few mistakes, I apologize. A fair amount of language. This is Puck after all.
It happens when he's 'getting over' his sixth failed relationship in five months. He's 24, and after college, he decided to stop having fuck buddies and start having relationships. Only problem is he can never seem to find a girl who's relationship material. A few weeks (or days) into the relationship he sees how fucking annoying she is or how boring she is or something else he just can't deal with.
He has his breakup routine down. He goes to the bar (with or without one of his boys) and gets plastered and fucks the hottest girl he can find. He said he was done having fuck buddies, but he's still down for the occasional one night stand to mend his broken heart. Tonight, all of the boys are busy so he took the next best thing, Santana. Seriously, the bitch can be an awesome wingwoman when she wants to be.
Only, tonight she doesn't want to be. She says she's PMSing and isn't going to help Puck "land a slut." Instead, she wants to be freaking Dr. Philippe.
"Shut the fuck up Puck. I don't care what or who you came to do, we're going to figure this shit out," she told him, annoyed of his protests.
"Do I even have a choice?"
"Not unless you like your balls attached to your body," Santana said and then squinted. Puck knows that means she's serious.
"Ok, well what do I do?"
"Hmm…well. Let's start with the easy stuff. Let's make a list of what you want in a girlfriend."
"Ok," Puck said and proceeded to write the list. "Done," he said when he had finished writing.
"Ok, give it to me," Santana said.
"What? No, there's some personal shit on here. I don't trust you with this," Puck said and pulled the list against his chest.
"Well, too fucking bad. I'm going to be like the Millionaire Matchmaker or whatever and find you the perfect girl. I need the list to do that."
"Fine whatever here," Puck said and handed over the list.
"Excellent. Now, let's get out of here. I got serious work to do," Santana said and they both exited the bar.
A few days later
Puck was going through his typical mail contents of bills and such when he came across an envelope with Santana's return address. Curious as to what she was open, he tore it open and saw his list only it was changed.
My next girlfriend needs...
. To LOVE hockey Your girlfriend doesn't need to love a sport that celebrates and encourages violence.
. Smoke weed Besides the fact that this is illegal, it is also unhealthy.
. Know how to roll a Wiz Khalifa Joint (I can teach whomever how to) Same reason as the second one. Honestly Noah, you do not want or deserve a girlfriend who participates and encourages such abhorrent acts.
. Love to cuddle -This is a great quality, and I'm happy you included it.
. Love to kiss -I like this one, though I would like to change it to loving to hug as well.
. Love me for me -Another great one and something that should be the foundation to a good relationship.
. Have a nice ass Besides the fact that mine is on the small side, this objectifies women and does nothing to build a relationship. While physical attraction is important, it is not central to a successful, healthy relationship.
. Be able to make me laugh -Humor is great for a relationship. While I'm not the best at it, I'm leaving this on the list because it is actually good to have in a relationship.
. Be faithful -THIS. I'm glad you've realized that if you're not going to be faithful there's no reason to be in a relationship.
. Be committed -Another great one. For it to be a relationship and not just a fling, commitment is essential.
If you can live with this new, edited list give me a call at 867-5309.
If he didn't know who it was from the language used and the fact that whoever edited it called him "Noah," the gold star at the end totally gave it away. Santana wanted to set him up with Rachel, and the more he thought about it, the more he thought it wasn't the worst idea in the world in the world. And at this point, it was worth the shot.
Judging by the wedding that took place two years later, Santana was an amazing matchmaker. And she took every opportunity to tell everyone that at the reception and hand out business cards for her newly started matchmaking business. Patti Stanger wouldn't know what fucking hit her.
If it wasn't already apparent, the bolded and italicized items are the ones Rachel crossed out and the underlined ones were the ones she kepts. Unfortunately, doesn't let me use strike through or I would've done that. =)