Disclaimer: I don't own anything.
Author's Note: If you don't like Jacob, get out. Now. There will be plenty of Jacob/Bella in this fic, even though it will eventually lead to a lot of Bella/Edward. This story was inspired by the movie New Moon, when Jacob and Bella have a conversation in Bella's room in the middle of the night.
Well, maybe we should just get away from here for a while. Just leave, just you and me.
You'd do that?
I would do it for you.
It's not something that I can run away from. But I would run away with you... if I could.
-Bella and Jacob
"Love is so short, forgetting is so long."
The fly was lazy, sitting on the window glass instead of fighting for its freedom. It looked tiny in the piercing afternoon sun.
I was lazy as well, lying on the bed with my limbs scattered everywhere, staring at the fan slowly moving on top of my head and occasionally checking that the fly was alive still. It was a prisoner and I felt oddly moved by its fate.
It was yellow in the room, and warm. It was like most of the motels in Arizona I had sometimes slept in. Hot. Stuffy. Poorly looked after.
This was my home.
My home was with me. My home was everywhere. It was around me, holding me tight. My Jacob.
He was snoring slightly, exhausted from the long drive. He wasn't wearing much and perhaps before all this it would have bothered me but when we had embarked on this journey of insanity I had given up my will - my right - to feel bothered.
The first nights had been difficult. But he accepted me even when I cried in the darkness, grasping at his shirt, his cropped hair, the sheets, everything I could reach, encircling myself with him to stop myself from falling to pieces. And I had accepted him when he became moody, escaped to the desert and threw rocks at nothingness and ran as fast as he could. Only to return a few hours later, calm and collected, with red-rimmed eyes. No matter how far he would run, he could never escape me.
Because I was all he had left. The same way he was all I had now. We were living in a world completely of our own, constructed of endless roads, dusty car windows and nights in shabby motels. Our roof was the sky, our floor was the road. Our walls were each other.
This was my home now.
Jacob stirred in his sleep and lifted his head up.
"What time is it?" He asked me in a hoarse voice. What a strange question, I thought. Time had stopped mattering to us. But still he asked it sometimes.
"It's half past five," I told him and he stretched his muscular form, yawning widely and sitting up on the bed. He had been sleeping for an hour, ever since we had come here. I didn't even know where we were. Place had stopped mattering as well.
"We should go eat," I said and got up. He nodded, yawned again and started dressing up. I was looking at him and felt tenderness build up inside of me. He was my only ally and my only future. The only future I had left. I couldn't exist without him.
I hugged him and he hugged me back, his warmth comforting me. I should stop being so melancholic, I decided. For Jacob.
And it was getting better lately. The further we went the easier it was to not think. In our world there was no past, no him and no Sam.
Yellow was good. Yellow was like Jacob: warm, cozy and easy.
Forks. The rain. The dark gray roads stretching towards the city and the green woods dominating the scenery on my both sides. The smell of damp soil and the freshness of the mountain air. I had missed this.
My decision had been formed suddenly, without much hesitation. For the past months I had been determined to never, ever go back. One day - only forty hours ago - I had simply realized that unless I went back to her I would surely go mad and take as many lives with me as I could. It was simple, like acknowledging the fact that spring follows winter, or that snow melts when you throw it into a flame. I was melting now and she was my flame. My sanity had been leaving me. I was slowly becoming one of those mad old vampires that went and threw cars through walls in broad daylight simply to have someone end their suffering.
So I had left immediately, not even bothering going back to my hotel room to retrieve any of my things. I had ran to the nearest airport, taken the first flight I could back to the US and the first connecting flight I found to Seattle. When I had left I had left my old car to a warehouse in Seattle. I had retrieved it and driven recklessly fast towards Forks, towards her. I had waited for nearly nine months - my patience was growing thin.
On the way I had passed the old muddy road sign that was fighting for its space with several wild plants that tried to take over. Forks, it had said.
Home, I had read.
Her house was empty. I was presently hiding in the shadow of the deep green woods, relishing in the joy of finally being in here, so close to her home. I had spent some of the best days and nights of my existence in here - most of them actually. Everything looked so much the same as the last time I had been here. It was early summer now, the grass was lusciously green and the nature was making more noise than I remembered. The yard was wilder and looked a bit neglected. Bella's car was there, its roof covered in some leaves. It looked neglected as well and I found myself wondering enviously if she had found someone else to give her rides and stopped using her car altogether. I was burning to see her, to hear what her life had become.
I was trying to decide how to show myself to her. Should I go to her room, open the familiar window and sit on her old rocking chair, the one I had sat in so many times before? No, she would scream upon seeing me, alarming her father, who clearly wouldn't take trespassing all that lightly. Especially by me.
Perhaps I could wait till she came home and show myself here, and ask her to come for a walk with me. But that plan made me remember our goodbyes too clearly. It would probably unnecessarily upset her.
The simplest but by no means easiest plan was simply to wait till Bella came home and ring her doorbell like any other person. And if Charlie was home, explain myself like I should - I could no longer escape responsibility. If he wouldn't let me see her I would, of course, use her window.
And if she wouldn't want to see me...
Well, I had no reason to expect anything more.
It didn't matter if she would reject me or if she would hate me - I only needed to see her. To see her alive and well, laughing, running, stumbling, living. And I would gladly accept every emotion she would spare for me in return. Even hate.
I would leave. I'd like to think that.
She still looked sad sometimes. The road stretched in front of us like a dark river, bringing us closer to our future together. I didn't know where it was yet, but I was determined to find it. I was determined to find her happiness at the end of this road.
Sometimes we had bad times. Sometimes we had to drive into the desert and sit quiet for hours, hoping that the police car we had passed or seen wouldn't come after us. Sometimes we spent ages flicking through news channels, nervously waiting for our pictures to show up. Or look through notice boards. Or listen to people's conversations. And if we heard something, sensed something we fleed. Sometimes we drove for two days straight, out of paranoia and fear. She would bite her nails and I would drum the car door with my fingers. I knew she worried and I tried to shake her worries off, acting cheerful and making her smile. Often she would forget, at least for a moment.
Sometimes we had good times. We would turn the radio of the Rabbit on when a good song - always a cheerful one, otherwise we would turn the radio off - would come on and sing along, laughing and making faces, barely paying attention to the road. We would spend time in the hotel rooms, practicing throwing grapes and candy to each other's mouths. She sucked at it of course, and I was obviously great at catching. But it was funny anyway. And we had small joys, like finding a nice motel room and taking a warm shower after a long search. Going to the movies occasionally when we were in a big city. Finding a decent breakfast.
I loved her. I loved her in the sunset, when she was leaning her head out of the window and the rays of sun were dancing on her hair, colouring it with hues of red and caramel. I loved her hands when they reached out to touch the speeding air outside, and the way she stretched after a long sit in the car. I loved her in the evenings when she pulled one of my old t-shirts over her head and walked around the hotel room looking like a porcelaine doll that was dressed up by some devious little boy.
I loved her during the nights when she let me wrap my arms around her and pressed her cheek against my bare chest. I loved her in the mornings when her hair was unceremonially messy and her eyes sleepy. And I loved her when she was fresh from the shower, smelling of soap and shampoo... smelling of woman.
I longed for her, my entire body searching for hers. We walked hand in hand, I kissed her hair when we went to bed before falling asleep and she sometimes slept in the car with her head on my shoulder. I was in heaven. This strange life we had chosen for ourselves, the selfish decision we had made - it was my personal heaven. Even when we had to sleep in the car and woke up with our muscles stiff and shivering from the early coldness of the morning and when I had to kill the hundredmillionth of a cockroach that made her jump on a chair in our lodgement and even when I sometimes felt like the burden of my decision was killing me - killing me-, I was still happy.
Because I had something I had never ever had before. I had Bella.
Sometimes I didn't even know if she knew she loved me. Her body knew it - I could hear it in her heart. It was pumping her full of my love and I fed it lavishly. I wanted to be perfect, for her. I was ready to wait for her. I was ready to be anything for her.
We were together in a way that there were no words for. We were together because we had nobody else.
To be continued...
Author's Note: Hope you enjoyed. I think many of you will be disappointed about the way I am describing Jacob but I like him as a character. Don't worry. This is deep down a Edward/Bella fanfic, you just need to be patient.
For those who want to get straight to the Edward and Bella action, go and check out my two-shot fluff-smut fic "Thoughts and Actions." I am particularly fond of it and it seems like the readers have been pretty happy with it too...;-)