Cardcaptor Ranma



Cardcaptor Sakura and Ranma one-half, I own not.


I wrote this about eight or nine years back. It's sick, I tell you, sick, which is why I'm posting it here. LOL

"Yo, Ranma Saotome here. What I'm gonna tell ya, ya ain't gonna believe, but I swear, it's all true...

"It started about three years ago when I visited a cursed valley in China called Jusenkyo, no thanks ta my old man's stupidity. Well, we got there, got ourselves cursed... I turn inta this incredibly sexy chick of all things and pop turns inta a panda... Then I got engaged ta a crazy Amazon chick, Shampoo, that's her name, who first chased me all across China tryin' ta kill me and then all over Nerima, that's in Japan, tryin' ta screw me.

"Throw in an uncute tomboy, a cute 'boyfriend' turned fiancée, a crazy gymnast, her even crazier brother, a half-blind duck-boy, Mr. P-chan, two evil dried up mummies, a crybaby, mother superior, the loan shark- mercenary, a half-dragon and a real Phoenix God and you got the next two years of my fubar life.

"What? Ya think that's a bunch of bull? Well, it ain't. I just got the thing ta prove it." Shows some photos of the Nerima Wrecking Crew. "Now, ya believe me?"


"Good. And when those two years were over, I knew even weirder stuff was gonna happen..." Shudder. "If I had known what was goin' ta happen, I swear I'd have committed seppuku."


"Ya see, pops kinda kleptomaniacal. The old lard-ass went and stole some Clow book from the Tokyo university, thinkin' it was worth somethin'... I happened upon it one afternoon," cut scene to one where Ranma sees the Book of Clow and tries to open it, thinking that Genma has secretly stashed away some cash in it, "and well, one thing went ta another and I," shudder, "opened it.

"Turns out that the damn thing was created by some asshole magician called 'I'm a mother-fucking son of a bitch' Clow a long time ago. When I opened the book, it released all of them Clow cards and P-chan, who was searchin' for a bathroom just then, was turned inta this incredibly annoyin' Kero character wheneva he was near me."


"I shoulda killed the damn thing right then and be done with it, but I wasn't in my right mind and I lost the chance. It was one of the greatest mistakes of my life... Soon, I was capturin' Clow cards that seemed ta pop out of nowhere and kept possessing people for no reason," cut ta scene of Ranma-chan battling an even more perverted Happousai while wearing nothing but garters. Cologne is in the background filming the whole 'capture.' She is dressed in an incredibly cute pink dress with aprons and all. Her face, however, is still as ugly as ever. All around her lie unconscious young men and women. Some have nosebleeds and some do not. The sight of Ranma-chan in garters proved too much for the former and the sight of Cologne in her cute dress proved too much for the latter.


"Anyways, I captured them all and ya know what happened? Some character called Euei, who turned out ta be Kuno's, that the even crazier brother by the way, alter ego came out of nowhere and tried ta get me ta date him... Let's just say that it wasn't pretty," cut to scene of Kuno with a very big, stupid looking pigtail waving his, err, bokken around in a vain effort to snag Ranma-chan. Ranma-chan keeps screaming holy hell at the size of the, err, bokken, and runs around in wild circles for a long time. She finally decks Euei with a punch while he is distracted at the sight of her in the same garter she wore when fighting Clow-Happousai.

"But in the end, I managed ta defeat him and now," smile, "I can finally rest."

"Ranma come and get your breakfast!" Akane shouts from off-screen.

"Eek! That's my exit cue... A hero's work is never done and all, ya know," Ranma says and runs away in a cloud of dust, shouting, "I ain't eatin' no toxic waste, Akane!"

Author's notes:

Thought this up while watching the penultimate episode of Cardcaptor Sakura. Ain't I evil?