Heartbroken, by Camilla10

Chapter 2 . Gay or neuter?

Previously

So, my preys were all male, and if men had that effect on me … maybe I was gay indeed. I could not reconcile myself with what my body seemed to tell me but, what did I know? So I decided to try, and be certain."

Bella gasps and cannot hide it from him. Did he, did he really…?

He moves his arms, turning her so that they are now facing each other, and she sees that he is smiling, a very impish smile.

"Worried, love? I'll tell you how it went. Certainly I was not going to try with a human, because I would surely kill him, during or afterwards, and if he was a good person I should not, and if he was evil, I could not go with him. Disgusting.

"There are gay vampires, of course. The Volturi use some of them to lure people to Volterra, as sexual preferences vary. Eventually I met one, who had come to the US on a mission and now was in New York waiting to take a ship back to Italy. Well, to cut a long story short, we met by chance, recognized we were both immortals and, because he needed it before his journey, we went hunting together. I asked him to follow my lead, without telling him of my mind reading gift, obviously. The Volturi know of it now only because I have been so stupid as to go to them. I just maintained that I knew the turf better than him and it made sense. He was very attractive, by the way, all lures are, and I saw he found me attractive too. Anyway, we happened upon two hit men for the Mob, coming back from their assignment and counting their reward in their minds. They never reached the speakeasy they were directed to.

"We drained them in a deserted warehouse and the familiar stirring made itself known. He came to me and put his hand on me in lust, his mind full of images of what we were going to do together and… my arousal abated immediately. I could not do it, I didn't want to do it. I mumbled excuses and fled. So much for gay.

"Eventually I decided that those moments of sexual excitement were just a side effect of the hunt, a physical reaction, nothing more and nothing that could end up in intercourse. I decided I was neuter, that was it and I would be alone forever unless…

"I missed Carlisle, and, hell, I missed Esme too. The realities I had been seeing in human minds since I left made it clear that what I had unwittingly witnessed of their intimacy should not have bothered me. Disrespect, cruelty, rape even… indeed there were worse things than that."

"Plus, what I was doing was sickening. I was a hypocritical monster, a glutton, no better than those I was hunting. And, if I was surely damned, I was also damning them with me. By terminating their life I made sure that none of them had the possibility of redemption. Finally, the arousal that followed the hunt was disgusting. I had to stop, I wanted to stop, and eventually I did stop, resorting to animals again.

"When my eyes changed color I felt I was ready to go back to the only family I had, if they wanted me. And they did. I confessed my sins to Carlisle and tried to explain why I had repented, keeping from him the sexual angle. Of the reasons why I had left I didn't speak at all, and he did not ask. The similarity with the parable of the Prodigal Son was not lost on us, either. He had changed, marriage evidently suited him and he was at the same time serene, gentler and more authoritative, if that was possible. I found myself sliding in a son's role, even letting Esme mother me. I realized that I was loved and I was comforted. As far as that was possible.

"Well, after a short while the family started growing. Rosalie was not for me, a real mistake on Carlisle's part, then Emmett, probably the happiest vampire in the world, lightening our daily existence with his pranks and his goodness… then Jasper and Alice, with whom I bonded immediately. Our gifts set us apart and we understood each other perfectly.

"During one of our moves we got to Alaska and there I met Tanya, an old friend of Carlisle. She wanted me and everybody hoped that I would finally find a companion, if not a mate, because they could well see that my life, alone among passionate couples, was not easy. Well, love, you have seen her and you know she is beautiful, so I decided to let her experiment with me. I allowed her some freedom and she did try, um, to awaken me. My lack of response was spectacular, something a succubus rarely experiences, so, extremely disappointed, she gave me up, both of us convinced that I was destined to be alone forever. This is why she took so badly to the idea that I am mated to you, a human."

Bella freezes while he is speaking of Tanya. Strangely, hearing from his lips how he killed two gangsters in a warehouse – he never went into the details of his murderous past before - has left her unaffected, but Tanya, now... In the way she had naively understood it, he had simply 'let her know that he was not interested', but now she realizes that such knowledge was factual, that the slut made free of his body, kissed him, touched him intimately… A hot wave of jealousy takes her, she fights it, but can't control her ragged breath and Edward understands what she is feeling.

"Forgive me, love, but I will not lie to you. Never again. This sorry vampire specimen is what you got, and I can't change my past. It is what we make of our future that counts."

With tender caresses and sweet kisses he soothes her until she is calm again. Not completely calm, though. Perversely, thinking of Tanya doing things to him turns her on. She looks at his forearm resting lightly on her chest, at the dark hairs on his wrist and in a blink she has brought that wrist to her lips, kissing it. Hairs so soft … she blows on them and feels him shuddering. She is all wet now and she knows he can smell her…

But he gently distances his body from hers.

"Bella, let me finish. I am almost done… I… I need it." And he resumes:

"My years as a killer had damaged me. Remorse was heavy and yet what I had seen of humanity did not endear it to me. I went through the motions: I got my medical degrees but did nothing with them. I played the piano and composed for some years, but did not do anything to make my work known outside. It was dangerous and not worth the risk; in the last years I didn't even play much. Yes, I studied, I learned languages, I went to college – much better than high school, of course - I even travelled the world and saw the sights, but it was as if I was looking at them through a glass wall. I did not belong to this reality but to a darker one. To be honest, there were lighter moments, good interactions with my family, but then something reminded me that I was alone and they had each other and I didn't know how to go on."

His last words end in a sob. Bella knows already of his long bleak years, but once again her heart contracts under his sorrow and she feels like crying. In fact a big fat tear escapes her eye, until he kisses it away.

"Edward," she says, repeating his words, "the past is past. It is what we make of our future that counts."

They embrace again, tight, and the dark cloud that was passing over him stars dispersing. Bella is here, with him, forever.

Now that he seems to have recovered, at least partially, she remembers how their conversation started, and, because she is nothing if not politically correct, she feels compelled to say:

"You know, there is nothing wrong with being gay."

"Indeed," he agrees, "I know it now, even if it took some time for me to understand it, but, aren't you happy that I am not, and not neuter either?"

As cool hands are now exploring her chest, caressing and cupping her breasts, his thumbs brushing her nipples, she tries to answer, but can only moan. Passion takes them. Giving way to something he has fantasized about more than once, he sets her prone and, placing a cushion under her belly, he slides into her from behind. Grasping the headboard and opening new cracks in it, he lets himself go – a little – overwhelmed by the pleasure this position gives him. God, he is behaving like an animal but, Bella seems to like it. A lot.

Spent, deeply satisfied, they lay in each other arms, silent for a while, until he says:

"Imagine if I was mated already, maybe to a male vampire… my love, your first day at Forks High would have been your last. I think that when I was driving to Denali like a bat from hell I already knew subconsciously that I had found my mate and that I could never kill you, despite the incredible call of your blood."

He sounds terrified, in retrospect. She knows that Alice Saw her broken and drained more than once, at the beginning of their relationship, and could not conceal her visions from him.

"Oh, but I was stubborn, wasn't I? Even after we had declared our reciprocal love, I still couldn't believe that we were really meant to be together. I was too dangerous, I was stealing your life, so eventually I left you. And, when I thought you were dead, my heart broke again. And when you saved me and forgave me for what I had done I still, I still…"

"You what?" she asks, because she is not sure where he is going now.

"I couldn't cope with my desires," he murmurs, so low that she barely hears him.

"At first I could not believe what was happening to me, blood lust and carnality were completely intertwined and I was sure that if I let go of an ounce of control I would take you forcefully and then kill you. "

"You wouldn't have," is Bella's retort, as she told him many, many times.

"But, it was so difficult to keep myself in check… even when, after Volterra, my desire for your blood had gone. I wanted you but was afraid I would hurt you and disgust you with my violence. Neuter my ass! With you I was all male and wholly heterosexual. I still don't know how I managed to lay with you night after night, resisting my urges, and frustrating your absolutely normal ones. Each night before I came to you and each dawn, going home I, I…" He realizes what he is about to tell her, but he must. No secrets, anymore.

"I had to take care of myself. Sometimes even during the night, when you were sleeping. "

Her reaction is surprising. Bella is beaming.

"Did you? I did the same, you know. Well, not every day, but when you were hunting. I fantasized about it… my predator. I was going mad with desire."

In fact, he had suspected as much, sometimes, and simply berated himself for being unable to give her what she wanted, what he wanted, dammit, so that she had to resort to… God, how stupid he had been. Was his condition to be married first really due to his ingrained Puritanism? Not that much, probably. It was a dilatory tactic, mostly. He was so scared… Idiot.

They look at each other and sweet relief washes over them. That fear is gone, forever.

Reclining nude at her side, he is the embodiment of perfection. Bella notices that his beautiful cock, something she is inclined to adore, is… limp, its tip lying placidly on his upper thigh. And this state of repose is so endearing. She would like to pet it, but has to restrain herself and the rush of tenderness that almost moves her hand. Because the moment she touches it will surely harden, which is its usual condition when they are together. Vampires, she is learning, don't need a long recovery time. Well, one day soon she won't too, hopefully.

However, there is something she is dying to ask, a curiosity that will have to be satisfied.

"Will you show me?"

"Show you what?"

"What you did … when you were alone and thinking of me." Damn blush.

"Yes." Edward answers, feeling incredibly liberated. Nothing he could do to Bella, with Bella or in front of Bella would shame him anymore. He is hers, totally at her disposal. As she is at his, so he adds:

"If you show me."

"Yes," she breaths.

"But not right now."

"No?"

"You need a nap. I'll make you lunch, while you sleep." Bella would protest but, he is right, she realizes. She is very tired. He knows her body better that she does. And so she sleeps, basking in his love. In fact she is sleeping much more than usual since they came here…..

Endnotes

So, this is done. I could not refrain from writing it, a new two shots in my series "Growth". Please tell me your opinion. Many thanks to those who reviewed already.

Just if you wonder, the gay vampire Edward meets in New York is not the protagonist of "The Lure", because Angelo joined the Volturi in the early '50s, while the episode Edward is telling happened in the '20s. This lure had accompanied Eleazar to get hold of an American who seemed extraordinarily gifted, and had to be seduced to Volterra before his change, as for a newborn the Atlantic crossing would have been impossible.

And now, back to drafting The Parachutist' sequel. Since The Parachutist is the best story I wrote, if I say so myself, its sequel must be comparable and it is extremely difficult.