Anatomy, Barbie and Baseball
Author: ANNE (the insane one)
Summary: Maura and Jane have very different ideas on how to explain the facts of life to their twins Max and Sofia.
Disclaimer: Characters et al belong to the people that make Rizzoli and Isles.
Jane Rizzoli had a feeling she was being watched. This was not uncommon, especially with two six-year-olds lurking around the house, but she still found it disconcerting.
Jane peered over the top of her book. "Hey, Max."
The little boy stood in front of her, his baseball cap secured on his head and his baseball glove encasing a ball. "I have a question."
"Where do babies come from?"
Jane's eyes widened. "Wha…babies?"
"Yeah. Where do babies come from?" His squeaking voice was all innocence.
Jane eyed the little boy as she yelled, "Maura!"
The ME appeared in the doorway, Sofia following her, clutching Barbie and Ken. "What?"
Jane gestured to Max. "He just asked me where babies come from."
"Well did you tell him?"
"What, are you nuts? He's six!"
"I want to know too!" Sofia insisted. She tapped her foot, and a stubbornness in her eyes that Maura was sure she had learned from Jane.
"Oh geez," Jane groaned.
Maura calmly sat down on the couch next to Jane. "Well, I think it's important for their development that we explain this in the most logical way possible."
"I was afraid you'd say that," Jane muttered. "Look, just let me handle this for a second, okay? Both Ma and Pop told me in different ways, so let's see if that works."
Maura leant back on the couch, a smirk on her lips. "Of course. If nothing else, it would be dreadfully entertaining."
"Right, so Pop, explained it to me like baseball."
Maura quirked an eyebrow. "Baseball?"
"Just go with me here." Jane took Max's ball from him. "Okay so here's your daddy." She gestured to the glove. "There's your mommy." She put the ball in Max's glove. "Home run."
"I'm scared for your early adolescence," Maura told her. "How did you even understand that?"
"The Mommy catches the Daddy and calls him out?" Max asked, screwing his nose up. "Or the Daddy misses the Mommy and it's a home run?"
"I'm confused," Sofia replied. "And Mama says I am a genius."
"Mama says we're both geniuses," Max retorted.
Maura glanced at Jane. "You want to try again?"
Jane stuck her chin out defiantly. "Sure. Come here, Sofie."
Max sat on Maura's lap while Sofia crawled up onto Jane's.
"So, Ken's the Daddy and Barbie is the Mommy," Jane began.
"Oh, Jane, those dolls are not anatomically correct. And they are hardly reassuring body images for young girls."
"Maura," Jane said, under her breath, "she's six. Do you really want her to play with a doll that has a penis and a bald spot?"
Sofia giggled. "Mommy said penis."
"That's correct," Maura agreed. "Your Mommy did say penis. It's an important part of the reproductive cycle."
"Jane, they need to know the correct terminology. You don't want our children to be ignorant, do you?"
Jane flopped back against the back of the couch, taking a giggling Sofia with her. "Fine. You tell them. But this time I am not dealing with the phone call from their teacher."
"I accept your terms," Maura agreed. "Alright. You two wait here with Mommy while I get the book."
Jane froze. "Which book, Maura?"
Maura rolled her eyes. "Not that book, Jane. It's hardly appropriate for children."
"Just checking." Jane grinned and tickled the twins. "Your Mama sometimes has some screwy ideas."
The twins giggled and squirmed on the couch. Maura arrived back in the room with her book.
"I heard that, by the way."
"Heard what?" Jane asked innocently. She glanced at the book. "Maura, for god's sakes, Gray's Anatomy? Really?"
"If our children are going to learn about the reproductive cycle, I'd like them to learn from the best."
"Fine, just remember you're the one who gets to talk to the teacher."
"We wouldn't have had to talk to the teacher last time if you hadn't taught Sofia that right hook." Maura sent her a pointed look as Sofia threatened to demonstrate her prowess on her brother.
"What else was I supposed to do? That pervy little kid at the school was trying to look up her skirt!"
"Mama, are there going to be pictures?" Max asked, sounding bored.
"Hmm? Oh, yes of course." Maura opened the book. "This is a woman's reproductive system."
"EWWWWW!" was Max's opinion.
Looking over his shoulder, Jane was inclined to agree with him.
Sofia's eyes widened. "I'm gonna get one of those? GROSS!"
Jane smirked at Maura, who sent who a look back.
"It's not gross at all," Maura began. "Both your mother and I possess a reproductive system."
Sofia poked Jane in the stomach.
"Hey!" Jane looked at the little girl. "What was that for?"
"Do you REALLY have THAT in there?"
"Yeah, but it's not getting much use."
"You have one too, Mama?" Max asked.
"Yes, but please don't poke me to verify. You won't feel anything." Maura flipped the page. "This is the male reproductive system."
Sofia giggled. "That's what Max looks like inside!"
"And Uncle Frankie," Max said solemnly.
Jane wrinkled her nose. "Ew. I really don't want to think about my brother's reproductive system. Do something, Maura."
"Do you have sex to have a baby?" Max asked.
"Yes! Good question. Are we done?" Jane asked.
"Jane!" Maura turned to her son. "Max, where did you learn about sex?"
"I heard you telling Mommy last week when we went to Grandma and Grandpa's that when you were alone with her you were going to have sex and make her scream like a girl. I asked Grandma what sex was and she said it was where babies come from."
Jane had gone a bright pink colour and Maura coughed slightly.
Sofia blinked and turned to Jane. "Mommy, why wouldn't you scream like a girl? You are a girl."
"I…" Jane turned to her wife. "Maura. Fix it."
Maura coughed again and took a deep breath. "Hey, I know. How would you two like to look through Mama's book all by yourselves?"
Max's eyes lit up. "Really? Even all the dirty pictures?"
"Sure," Maura squeaked. She put the book down on the floor. "Have fun."
Jane smirked and followed Maura out of the room, to the chorus of "EW"s and "GROSS"s as the twins turned through the book. She cornered her wife in the hallway, pushing Maura's body against the wall.
"Jane…" Maura gulped. "Don't look at me like that. It was your mother who told them what sex was."
"Mmm hmmm. After they heard you saying that you were going to make me scream like a girl."
Maura's tongue snaked out and she ran it over her lower lip. "I did. Twice."
"I know. I remember." Jane pushed her body tight against Maura's. "Tomorrow, when the twins go for their play-date, you and me, Maura. You and me. And I'm going to tease you. And torture you. And you'll be begging me to take you. And I will make you come so hard that you'll…"
Maura leaned in and kissed her deeply, wrapping her arms around Jane's body. When the kiss broke, they stared at each other for a long moment, their forehead's resting together.
"I look forward to it," Maura murmured.
"Look forward to what?" Max appeared beside them.
"Are you two gonna have sex? That wasn't in the book, you know," Sofia said.
"Yeah. Is that why me and Sofie are adopted? Cause you're missing a penis?"
Jane pulled back from Maura and just stared at her wife for a long moment.
"What?" Maura asked.
"Let them look at the book, you said. Teach them about anatomy, you said. Our kids are geniuses, you said."
"They could ask Frankie about it."
A sinister smile appeared on Jane's face. "You know what, that's not a bad idea." She turned to the twins. "Okay guys. You know Uncle Frankie's cell number. "You ring him up and ask him."
Maura's eyes widened. "Jane…Jane I was joking!"
"Make sure to ask Uncle Frankie where babies come from too."
Jane turned back around to face Maura. She shrugged. "What? It's good experience for him. Ma is still asking him when he's going to give her grandchildren. At least he'll know what it's like to live with kids that hear everything."
Maura chuckled. "You're very bad, Jane."
Jane grinned and started advancing on Maura. "Yeah? Let me show you just how bad I can be."