I'm not real sure where this came from. It's pretty sad and depressing. Just a warning, it's got character death in it.
Summary: What if something happened to Sarah? What if the only thing she left behind a letter addressed to Chuck? What if he couldn't make himself open it, afraid of what it might say.
Quietly I stood staring in the mirror my white shirt buttoned fully and tucked into my black slacks. The suit jacket that completes the ensemble is sitting neatly on the edge of my bed.
I wonder if I'm ever going to get my tie tied, or if I'm going to have to go tacky with a clip on. She was always so much better at getting these things to work than I am. Blinking, I ready myself for the tears that edge themselves ever closer to the edge of my eyelids.
Even with the tears in my eyes, and the knowledge that tells me she's gone, I'm still having trouble processing this fact. The past few days are sort of a blur. It's kind of hard to understand how, only four days earlier, I felt like the happiest man on the planet. Now I feel like my life is spiraling out of control and I have no way of stopping it.
"How are you holding up?"
I can see Ellie propping herself up against the door-jam. We haven't done a lot of communicating the past few days. I know it's hurting her, and that fact is hurting me. It's getting so bad with all the pain I'm causing that I can't tell the difference from one pain from the other. I know that Ellie only wants to help me cope. To help me not linger on the fact that the woman I love most in this world is gone, and never coming back.
"She's gone Ellie. She isn't coming back."
"I know Chuck. I know that you're hurting. I want to help you but you won't let me."
"I'm sorry, but right now I can't even help myself."
Even though she's on the other side of my room I can see the pain in her eyes. I can feel her heart breaking, and at that moment the little piece of my heart that had remained unbroken, broke.
I know it's hard on Ellie, but how can I let her help me when I can't even figure out what went wrong? It was a simple mission, a get in and get out one. We'd done plenty of these.
"You're hurting her, you know."
"Look bro, don't apologize to me. I'm not the one that is awake all hours of the night worrying. That's be Ellie. She's afraid that you might do something stupid. She's never seen you so withdrawn and depressed. This is worse than the whole Stanford thing."
"I know. It took Sarah, and being a spy for me to realize that Jill wasn't what I had thought I wanted after all. I did love Jill, but Sarah was the one."
Speaking about her in the past tense made it all too real, even if it was already too real. She was gone. Had been for four days now, and yet I still couldn't come out and say the words. I couldn't say that she was...dead.
"Ellie said you had asked her to marry you."
"Yeah. A couple of days before our last mission...she said yes."
Devon's head hung sadly, "I'm sorry bro."
I turned toward him, the untied tie still hung loosely from my neck. "Could you give me a hand?"
I could hear the voices of the rest of our group arriving...mainly just Morgan trying his best to get a positive reaction from Ellie. I haven't talked to my best friend in days. I haven't really talked to anyone in days. Keeping myself secluded in my room, trying and failing to remember what had happened. What had went wrong, and why I hadn't been able to save her.
"All done bro. You ready?"
I just shook my head in acknowledgment as I grabbed a hold of my suit jacket. I flung it over my shoulders in a quick motion, before straightening it out. I wanted to look my best for her.
Everyone sobered up as soon as I walked into the kitchen, and I felt myself wanting to cry all over again. I had fought the tears off so far, and I would continue to do so. She wouldn't want me to cry over her death. She'd want me to fight like hell to take down the bastards that took her from me.
"We better go."
Casey's voice rang through-out the silent house and deep into my bones. He started to direct people out of my apartment, before stopping me.
"She wanted you to have this. She made me swear that if anything happened to her that I'd give it to you personally."
The slightly discolored piece of paper was folded neatly. It felt heavy in my hand. Unsure if...or when I'd be able to read it, I tucked it safely away in my jacket pocket, before nodding in acknowledgment. I had been expecting that he was giving me her spy will, but this might be worse...even harder to read. This was something personally addressed to me. It was something special that she wrote for me, in case something happened.
I followed Casey out the door, and shut it behind me. Her funeral was not something that I had ever planned to attend.
The service had been beautiful. The agency really goes all out when one of their own dies, even if most of the people who attended the funeral didn't know that Sarah was a CIA Agent. That she had died for honor, for her country.
I stuck around after the service, and watched somberly as they lowered her casket into the ground. I lingered in the distance as I waited for the attendants to finish up the last bit of details on her grave-site. After the last one left, I walked slowly back up to the freshly laid dirt and took a seat. I didn't care if I ruined my suit. It was just clothing. Something easily replaced...unlike Sarah.
"I miss you so badly already. It's only been four days, and I feel like it's been a lifetime. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life knowing what I could have had, but lost? I know that I can't give up, if for Ellie's sake. She's lost so much, and I know that it doesn't help that I've been walking around like a zombie the past few days. I can't help it though. I can't remember it. I cannot remember what went wrong..."
I paused and closed my eyes, praying for the details to come to me, but they didn't.
"I wish I could have been the hero that you always thought I was. I wish I could have saved you Sarah. More importantly, I wish I could hold your hand again, and kiss your lips. Tell you that I love you. That I always have and always will. That the day you agreed to marry me, to be my wife, was the happiest day of my life..."
I couldn't go on anymore. The tears that I had been fighting for four days flooded down my cheeks. I didn't try to stop them this time though. I didn't care if she saw me cry. We didn't have secrets, and it was no secret that her death hurt me. Broke a part of me that would forever remain broken. Sniffling on my tears, I pulled her letter to me from my jacket pocket, and opened it. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath before looking at the paper in front of me.
If you're reading this it means that something has gone wrong, and in our line of work it was inevitable. I really hope that whatever happened, that you're not blaming yourself. If it went wrong with you there, then it would have went wrong without you. Please don't dwell on the fact that you couldn't save me. I'm sure no matter what happened you tried your hardest, and no matter what happened you will always be a hero in my eyes. You've done so much good, and saved so many lives. You deserve to be happy and I want that for you. Please promise me that you will move on from my death.
Don't let my death be yours too. I wouldn't be able to stand that. To know that you're hiding your beautiful heart away from others. Share your kindness, and love with someone else. I know that I'm not the one your meant to be with, because if I was then I'd still be there with you. You're meant to love someone that can return your love without having to work at it like I do.
Most importantly Chuck, remember to stay yourself. Whether or not you decide to keep being a spy is a choice that will always be yours and yours alone. Even if you do, do not let this job change you. Promise me that no matter what, you will always be my Chuck. That you'll always be the guy that I fell so deep in love with. Just think of it as my last wish, and grant me just that one last thing.
I love you forever,
Chuck wiped the tears from his eyes, before he place a hand on her gravestone. "I promise Sarah."
Without another word uttered from his lips, he stood up, dusted his pants off and placed the letter back into his jacket pocket. He was nowhere close to okay, and he wouldn't be for a while. Knowing that he could grant her that one last wish made him feel like, maybe one day, he could be as close to whole as he could be without her in his life.
He turned back toward her grave-site one last time. "I love you Sarah Walker. I always have."