AU oneshot. Set in New Moon, Bella finds herself haunted by the memory of Edward both waking and sleeping. With no one to confind in, her dreams are her only refuge from the pain...until she wakes up. Based on "On My Own" from Les Miserables, originally written as a sample for the Bella's Lullaby of Broadway Contest.
Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer is the sole owner of everything related to the Twilight Saga. "On My Own" is the property of the copyright owners for Les Miserables, which once again, sadly, isn't me. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.
Normally I would be asleep by now; exhausted by the charade I am forced to keep now that he is gone. I can't speak his name, it hurts too much to think it, but the one place that I used to find comfort is stolen from me as well, because now he's in my dreams.
Every night for the past two weeks I've had this dream…the same and yet, slight differences add variety and adventure as I am living these dreams new each night. When I wake up there is a moment of true bliss before the crushing weight collapses on me. The worst part is that I can't even talk to someone about it, because the only person I could talk to would be disgusted by me if he knew.
I couldn't lose Jake over dreams that would never be, and so I suffered in silence, waiting for sleep to take me.
The forest is dense; a jade light filters in from the canopy above lighting my way. I don't know where I'm headed, but I know who I'm headed to. I feel his presence and I am drawn to it, stumbling as I move too fast through the woods. These trees stretch on for an eternity, but I continue on, drawing strength from the knowledge that he is on the other side of this.
I see the light begin to change and I am filled with a nervous excitement as I realize that on the other side of those trees Edward is waiting in our meadow. Picking up the pace I trip over a tree root that is exposed and fall forward on my hands. I froze as I turn my hands, breathing again when I see that they are scraped, but not bleeding, as are my knees, which luckily had the barrier of my jeans to protect them.
I felt him kneel beside me before he took my shoulders in his hands and leaned his face just above my ear. "Are you hurt?"
I shook my head. "No, just a little dirty." I held up my hands and he chuckled softly before sweeping me up in his arms and carrying me past the entrance to the meadow and back into the dense forest until we stopped by the stream that had always babbled just within reach. Lowering me to the ground, he took my hands in his and placed them in the water, washing the dirt off and then kissing the light scrapes left on the skin. "I should have come for you, if I had been there, you never would have been hurt."
"You're here now, that's all that matters." Edward looked down and kissed my hair as he led me back to the meadow, and as we broke through the last of the trees the light hit his skin and I was left dazzled by his sparking skin and dark gold eyes.
"Bella, I'm a fool. I thought I was doing the right thing, rejecting your wish to be one of us, but I can't hold you at arm's length anymore. I need you."
I looked deep into his eyes and they were filled with so much love and pain that I spoke quickly to ease his fear. "I'm yours."
His lips crashed to mine and I was taken aback by the sheer force of his kiss. This was not the Edward Cullen I knew, he had been replaced by the man that hungrily kissed me, throwing caution to the wind and breaking every boundary he once clung to.
I was the one to break the kiss, gasping for breath as he held me close and my eyes scanned the meadow to see a backpack and a large blanket laid out on the grass. "Edward—"
Before I could finish, his hands cupped my face and angled it up to him. "Bella, let me make love to you. I want you to know the ultimate pleasure before I cause you the ultimate pain."
I stared at him, dumbfounded by his request before my mind wrapped around his words and I tipped up to kiss him again. "Yes."
Edward guided me to the blanket as we kicked off our shoes and socks and then stood on opposite sides of the blanket. Reaching up to take down my hair, I could feel his eyes studying me, waiting for me to be ready.
My hand slid to the bottom of my shirt as I took the bottom button in between my fingers and Edward followed my example. Slowly, button by button, we exposed a thin sliver of skin to each other. When I reached the final button I hesitated, but then I reached up and slid the shirt down my back and arms, letting it fall to the ground.
I felt the blush creep up my neck and continue all the way to my ears as Edward's velvet voice broke the silence. "I always thought you were beautiful, but I never knew the meaning of the word before this moment."
I smiled as my eyes met his and we both moved our hands to our jeans. I focused on the perfection that is his chest, glimmering in the sunlight, as we each popped the button of our jeans and lowered the zipper, pushing the jeans down our legs and kicking them off. Edward crossed the blanket and took my waist in his hands, raising goose bumps where our skin touched as he kissed me again. My hands wove themselves into his hair as his arms enveloped me and he dipped me, deepening the kiss as my gasp gave him access to my mouth. With my body still angled over the blanket, he knelt down, laying me on the blanket.
His hand trailed down my right arm, ghosting over to my hip and down the front of my thigh until he reached my knee, which was red from my fall. He leaned down, placing an open-mouthed kiss on my right knee and then my left. Looking up at me from his current location he righted himself and laid down next to me. "Bella, if this is too much for you, or if I hurt you, you must tell me."
I nodded, still reeling from the fact that this was finally happening as he kissed me while running his hand under me and I leaned up so he could unfasten my bra. His hand removed the last barrier between our upper bodies as he broke our kiss for the reveal. With the new piece of fabric joining the growing pile of discarded clothing, Edward kissed down my jaw and over the side of my neck on his way down to my collarbone. Continuing his movement south he rested over my breasts, looking up at me again as he lowered his mouth over my left nipple and sucked it gently into his mouth, careful to cover his teeth with his lips. His left hand kneaded my right breast as I arched into him, stifling a moan as he hummed against my breast.
Kissing down the inside of my left breast and up to my other nipple, he repositioned himself between my slightly parted legs as he continued his loving attention to my body. Feeling a tightening in my stomach, I bucked off the blanket again and was met by a hiss this time.
I froze, terrified that I had done something wrong. Seeing my expression, Edward moved up my body and kissed me sweetly. "Sorry love, it's your scent. It is…intensified by your current emotional state. I don't think I can resist you much longer."
The moan that escaped my lips this time was anything but quiet. "Then take me Edward, I'm yours."
His eyes darkened as he stood up; removing his boxers with the first hint of nerves he had shown all afternoon. I watched with baited breath as he was finally revealed to me, and I couldn't completely hide my own nerves about how he would feel considering his size. I could never mistake his beauty, even though I had never thought that male genetalia was particularly cute, Edward managed to be perfect in every way.
Joining me on the ground he reached up to help me off with my underwear, sliding it down my legs as he hovered above me, careful to keep his weight off of me. "Bella, I love you."
With that he pushed slowly into me, stilling when I reacted to him, he brushed his lips against my cheek. "It's okay, go ahead."
Edward stopped two more times, allowing me to adjust before he filled me. The sensations running through me were unlike anything I could have imagined, and as he began to move in and out of me, thrusting as gently as he could, I felt my love for him reach new heights. Continuing to move in harmony with him, his thrusts became more urgent, but his eyes never left mine.
"God Bella, you are so amazing…I never knew…I could…feel this way." I smiled at the intensity of his words and the pleasure evident in them.
"Me too, it feels so right…like you were made to fit inside me."
A strangled moan escaped his chest and I recaptured his lips. I felt the muscles tighten and I knew I was close…that soon this would end and he would change me. Panic gripped me as I realized that these were my last human moments, not because I didn't welcome the change, but I was unsure of what I would find when I awoke.
"I'm here Bella, this is only our beginning. We have an eternity together."
His words sent me unexpectedly over the edge which caused him to follow me quickly. "Edward!"
"Oh God Bella…FUCK!" I smirked, remembering the only other time I heard him curse, the day he saved me from Tyler's van.
We rode out the waves of pleasure in a secure embrace as I pulled him closer to me. Lips brushed against my temple as he made his way to my ear. "It's time love."
We both stood and he handed me a change of clothes, deep blue cotton shorts and a matching tank top. I got dressed as he did the same and then he flew around, picking up the few items that had been discarded in our haste, finally turning to face me.
"Where do you want me?" I asked nervously.
"Lie down on the blanket." I stretched out on the blanket stiffly like he asked and he knelt down next to me. He lifted my hand to his lips and kissed the back of it, trying to calm my nerves. Setting it down, he kissed where my neck met my shoulder and then followed it up my neck until he reached my lips. Kissing me passionately and yet with a sweetness that took me by surprise. When he leaned back he looked into my eyes and the words escaped before I could stop it.
"Tell me that you want me." My lips trembled, as a few tears fell from my eyes.
His expression changed and he wiped away the tears before he placed a chaste kiss on my lips and moved to my neck, kissing my pulse point. "Wanting isn't strong enough, you're all I'll ever need and I will never let you go." With that, his lips brushed my neck and I felt an instant of pain before everything black and my body flew to sit up.
I was nearly doubled over by the time my eyes opened to the darkened room, gasping for breath and throwing myself back onto my pillow before the screams and sobs that would wake Charlie could erupt. The pain of waking up was so devastating, because for a while I had him back. It had been so real, he had been so real. But that wasn't really Edward, he didn't share those feelings, and he wasn't here asking me for forever. That future was lost to me and now I was left to love him on my own.