Every time I close my eyes, her smiling face appears in my mind and regret consumes me every single time. I really miss her, her long black hair, soft smile and brown eyes that I always find myself staring at and I regret not telling her about my feelings when I still had the chance. I was too bothered by our age gap and the fact that I would freak her out and the possibility of losing her. I never thought she felt the same, when I found out it was already too late. I was already stucked in this cursed body of a baby that will never age.
I first met her when I was twenty through a old friend of mine that was twelve years older than me. He and his wife had urgent business to tend to and they wanted me to help them look after their ten year old daughter, which I refused until I met her.
For some reason, after I saw her, I changed my mind and agreed to it. I was really attracted to her eyes, they were really pretty and you could see the sparkles in them really clearly. Strangely, from the aura she was giving off did not feel like one from a ten year old but of one that was older. She bowed and smiled a really cute smile as she introduced herself to me and thanked me for taking care of her.
She was really pretty and cute and I was certain she was going to grow up into a beauty. Even when she speaks, she does not sound like a ten year old. In fact, I was surprised at how mature she was. You could tell by the way she speaks, the way she carries herself and from her eyes.
I felt myself attracted to her but I shrugged it off since I did not know what I was feeling at that time. Even though I had dated lots of woman, kissed them as well as sleep with them, I had never been in love with any one before. I could not find one that suited my taste and the most important thing, someone able to understand me.
During the time she was under my care, she would always smile at me and I found myself smiling back even though I normally do not smile. I could not resist returning the smile and I could tell that every time I smiled, she was in a good mood as her smile always grew when I smile.
She was really warmth. One day when I came back from one of my mission that I managed to complete but an accident caused the person working with me to die and I started blaming myself and muttering strange things. She asked me what was wrong and I found myself telling her every single thing that was in my mind, all the troubles that I kept bottled up for who knows how long. She embraced me and told me many things. I felt calmed after hearing her talk and I returned the embrace tightly.
I teased her that I felt that she was much older than her real age. Truthfully, I was surprised she was able to understood what I was saying, most of the things I told her were something that kids should not know about yet but she understood them and was able to give me advices. She just smiled at me and pinched my cheek, asking me to smile.
I smiled and she told me that she loved my smile and that I should smile more often. I told her that I loved her smile too and that it was something that helped brightened up my day. As the days gone back, we grew closer and closer. I found myself rushing back home as soon as possible to see her sooner and enjoy her food.
She was a really good cook for a ten year old and I loved her cooking. The bond we had between us grew a lot and I no longer knew what we are. All I knew was that I was happy when ever she was around and she could always cheered me up when ever I was upset and the most important thing was, she was able to understand me.
She was the first person I ever opened up to and I never regreted that action. As we spent more time together and grew closer, the both of us could understand each other so well that sometimes we could just look into the other's eyes and we could tell what the other was thinking of.
We were so close that we often slept on the same place. And I mean just sharing a bed and none of the perverted stuff. Her presense often helped me to sleep better and I really liked hugging her as I sleep. She never pushed me away or said anything. This habit started when I could not sleep. It had been hours and I still clould not sleep. She was worried and climbed into my bed and hugging me. When she was able to break the hug, I embraced her tightly, asking her not to let go and that I felt calm and more peaceful. She smiled and said that she was glad she could be useful to me. After that, I often sleep with her in my arms. I know that I could sleep without her but I enjoyed having her in my eyes and thus, I still did it.
I was so used to having her around that I forgot that she was only staying here temporarily. Her father came one afternoon, thanking me for taking care of his daughter for so long and that he was here to bring her back. I was really upset and I could not tell why my heart hurted so much.
She was smiling when I called her, I noticed her smile shrinked when she saw her father. I was happy to see that as that meant that she was as upset as me about leaving. Before she left, I embraced her tightly and I was going to give her a peck on her cheek but she shifted slightly, I noticed that she moved and that the position had chanfed from her left cheek to her lips but I was really tempted to kiss her on the lips that I just kissed her on the lips, not caring if it was her first kiss. I cowardly used the excuse that I wanted to kiss her cheek and accidentally kissed her on the lips when she shifted when I pulled back after a few seconds.
Even after she left, I could tell feel the softness of her lips on my lips. I licked my lips, hoping to get a taste of her lips. I could taste strawberries, probably from the strawberry shortcake I gave her. She loved cakes a lot and I bought her one every time I came back from a mission.
Now that she was gone, I felt that the house felt really empty. I missed her already, even though she just left a few minutes ago. I finally realised that I was in love with her. I smacked myself for falling in love with a kid, was I a pedophile, even though she does not give an impression of someone of her age.
Over the years, I visited her really often and she visited me quite frequently too. She made sure to at least stay a night each week at my house. When I found out I was going to be an Arcobaleno, I started to distance myself from her slightly since I did not know what would happen to me and I knew that I was going to upset her if I did that but I did not want her to be upset if I died. I had no idea what being an Arcobaleno mean, but I agreed to it because I wanted to protect the world where she was living in.
On the day before I became an Arcobaleno, I visited her and told her that it was the last time I would be meeting her. She cried and begged me not to and that she was going to miss me dearly and why did I not want to see her any more. I felt myself breaking down and I left without saying anything else or looking at her as I felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. "I love you and good bye." I muttered softly, looking at the door of her house as I ran.
When I found myself in a baby's body along with everyone else, we were all shocked except for Lucy who knew it would happen. I was in disbelief and denial, I made a big fuss and I refuse to accept that I was going to live like this forever.
Since I was in this state, I felt that I was right that I told her that we would never meet again as I could not face her while in this body. The only thing I regreted was that I never told her how I felt towards her. I was bothered by the ten years gap and I was afraid of rejection.
My small body helped me to spy on her without getting caught, even though she always seem to know where I was and stared at the direction I was at and frantically searching for any sign of me. She could not find me as she had no clue I was a baby now and I was never going to tell her that. I could see dejection in her face when she failed to find me and tears flowed down her cheek.
Once, she was really close to spotting me. She failed only because I hid in a bush and since I was a baby, it was really hard to spot me.
"Why did you have to leave? I miss you, so much. Did you know, I loved you. I loved you the first time I saw you and even now, I loved you. The day when you bid farewell to me was the day I was going to tell you my feelings towards you... You would forever be the person I love and I wish you happiness. After all, when you loved someone, you would want the person to be happy, regardless of the person returning your feelings or not. I will always love you, fare well... I don't know if you're here or not but i just get the feeling that you're here so I'm just going to voice out my feelings. Au revoir (farewell)..."
She was crying when she said that, I stared at her till she walked away. I moved out of the bush and I cried as well. I wanted to tell her I loved her, I returned her feelings but how could I when I was in this cursed body. Why did I not tell her how I feel? At least she would know that I returned her feelings instead of thinking that I did not love her and that it was a one-sided love. I felt I was being unfair to her since I know her feelings but she did not know mine. But what could I do? That was no way I could face her with this cursed body and that made me feel remorseful.
Even after she died, I could not forget about her. She was really popular and she grew up to be a beauty like I thought she would. Like what I heard her say, she really did love only me. She rejected all the people who confessed to her and I was really happy and sad at the same time.
I was happy that the only person she was me and sad that I ruined her life. She never could have a normal romance with a person because of her feelings for me but I was selfish and I still wanted that place in her heart even though I knew I could never have her. But I wanted her heart and soul at least since I could not have her body, I know I'm being selfish but what else could I do? I did not want to lose that place in her heart to anyone even if she died alone all by herself. No, she would not be alone when she die. I would be by her side, even if she does not know.
I would forever love her as well. My love would be for her and her alone. Ironically, my two useless students had brown eyes as well. I disliked that they ruined brown eyes by showing fear and all of those annoying emotions in their eyes. She never showed fear and I did not like to see the things that she never shown in her brown eyes to appear in someone else's brown eyes. Even though her brown eyes were shades darker than Dino and Dame Tsuna, I still feel upset when ever I see them. Eyes that are like hers and at the same time, not hers.
I miss her so much. After I became an Arcobaleno , I used the name Reborn as the last person that called my real name was you and I wanted to keep it that way. "Your place in my heart will never disappear or be replaced by anyone, for the long time I live, because you're the only one who I opened up to, the only one who understands me, the only one who can cheer me up, the only one I feel most comfortable with, the only one with the eyes I love, the only one whose smile I love, and you are the only one I love. I will forever love you."
I knew death was coming. All of the other Arcobaleno except for me and Lal had died. But I was not afraid of death, in fact I was happy for it. "Perhaps I could meet you when I die and be finally able to tell you how I feel and for the regret that I have been feeling for so many years to disappear, to hold you in my arms again, to feel your soft lips against mine again and to tell you I am sorry that I love you and only you forever. My heart belongs to you and you alone."
I died with a smile on my face, not caring that Tsuna would be upset and that Byakuran might take over the place or destroy it. All I cared was about her and that I might finally be able to see her again. All I could do was hope, no matter how hard it is, I would locate her and tell her I love her.
[[ Yeah, crappy ending. =X ]]