Disclaimer: I make no claim to DBZ. I'm just funnin' with the characters for a while.
By Son Rhandi
"Come on! You know as well as I do that that's not how it would go down!"
"Just admit it! I'm right, you're wrong, get over it!"
"Come off it, South Kai!" King Kai shouted in his blubbery voice. "You know as well as I do that's it's completely and entirely possible!"
"And I say you're completely off your nut, North Kai!" South gave his fellow Kai's shoulder a solid nudging with his index finger.
Goku just watched the arguing Kais blankly as he chomped into a leg of lamb. They were apparently having a disagreement about one thing or another; he was chewing too loudly to hear properly. Whatever the reason for their spat, it was clear that both were adamant about their respective points. Simply put, it was just another day in Otherworld.
His lamb stripped down to bone, it was a good a time as any to get some info. "Hey, guys," he called out casually. "What's all the shouting about?"
They both turned to the Saiyan in unison, gritting their teeth. "South Kai here seems to think that there's no hope for evil souls, but I say he's full of it!"
"Meanwhile, those of us with a bit of sense," his southern accent thickened a bit. "can see plain as day that it simply isn't the case!" South Kai crossed his arms. "Live for evil, die for evil... I don't even think a good soul cleansing is enough to make a difference for some of the kids floating around Hell! I'd bet my beautiful classic convertible on it!"
"Oh, really?" King Kai adjusted his glasses, a sly smile spreading across his face. "And what if I was willing to take that bet?"
South Kai's ears perked up. "And what're y'all willing t' put up? After all, everything you had of value was blown up rather nicely several years ago." He smirked. "I know. You can put up your dignity. You can wash and wax my car every weekend, while wearing a sundress and matchin' hat." He laughed. Even Goku had to snicker at the thought.
The northern Kai squared his hands on his hips. "Very well."
That drew glances from both the other Kai and Goku. "I think the terms of the bet are pretty simple at this point." King Kai began. "If I can prove that an evil soul can change his ways if given the chance,- and I will- I get your car. But if that soul ends up going back to his old ways, then you'll have yourself your very own personal car detailer. In an unflattering outfit, yet."
"You're surprisingly confident, considering you're guaranteed to lose."A fact the southern Kai found to be more than a bit annoying.
"Heh. I know you from the peaceful south quadrant may not be able to understand, but my neck of the woods has been a rather interesting place to be in recent years, and I've had the chance to have many surprises."
South Kai just scoffed. "Feh. So then, I suppose all that's left is to decide on a soul."
King Kai stroked his catfish face. He hadn't actually thought that far ahead. There were certainly enough notable souls to choose from, but who could he pick that would give him a good chance of winning. Who would even cooperate?
"Uh, excuse me. King Kai?" Goku raised his hand, seemingly unaware of the drumstick he raised along with it. "Actually, I think I might have a suggestion."
Both Kais turned to him. "I hope it isn't someone as obvious as Frieza or the like."
Goku chuckled. "I doubt that guy could ever acknowledge he ever did anything bad, much less change for the better. But actually, I was thinking of one of his men that I fought back on Namek. He was a big, purple guy who could switch bodies with his opponent. He was second only to Frieza in power level, at the time."
"Oh ho, that's reaching back a bit." King Kai folded his arms behind his back. "Captain Ginyu was it?"
"Yeah, that's the guy! I could tell before we fought... that he wasn't as bad as the others. The guys under him, I mean." Goku looked up in thought. "I think, if he hadn't fallen in with Frieza, he would have been a pretty ok guy."
"Hold your horses there," South Kai held up his hand in a ceasing gesture. "A friendly handicap is one thing, but I'm not about to acknowledge a soul that was circumstantially evil!"
King Kai frowned. This bet was starting to be more trouble than it was worth. Then, a thought struck him. "Goku," he began. "You said Ginyu didn't seem as bad as his subordinates?"
The Earth Saiyan shrugged. "In so many words."
"South Kai, if you'll indulge me a bit, I think I can make this bet even more interesting."
"Mm... Hell... Hell... Hell... Heaven... Hell... Hell... Hell... Hell... Heaven..."
King Yemma blew through his judgments as efficiently as he ever did. The sheer amount of souls sent to Hell was a sad reflection of the number evil souls in the universe, but Yemma was both judge and jury, and he had a job to do. He took a sip of his fountain soda. Another day of the queue being backed up, another day of working through lunch...
He did a spit take. "I... Is that you, King Kai?"
King Kai let loose his signature gigglesnort. "I'm impressed! You still remember the sound of my voice. His antennae bobbed a bit as he spoke to the Otherworld judge telepathically. King Yemma, I was wondering if I could call in a huge favor."
The red giant blinked. "Yes, King Kai?"
"I'd like to request a certain soul to be summoned to my realm. If things go the way I expect, I will also need to have arrangements made for him to be granted his original body."
"It's possible." He paused to scratch his beard. "First, the name of the soul you wish to meet with?"
"He was called Ginyu, one of Frieza's top-ranking soldiers."
"Hmm..." King Yemma thumbed through the pages of his massive book. "Ginyu... Ginyu... Ah, here we are. ...Goodness, he certainly has quite the rap sheet. And this is the person you want to arrange to have his body granted back to him?"
King Kai nodded. "Furthermore, I will need to know the region of Hell that four others have been assigned to, so that their bodies may be granted to them, as well. They are the men who served under Ginyu, the members of his Ginyu Force. I'm afraid I don't know their names."
The South Kai balked. "Now wait a cotton-pickin' minute here, North Kai! You never said anything about-"
"Relax, South Kai. Trust me." He threw his polar opposite an aggressive little grin.
King Yemma grumbled softly and checked the book's index for the Ginyu Force, then browsed his book for the individual members, his brow furrowing with each entry. "King Kai, this..." Yemma shook his head. "I'm sorry, King Kai, but it would be highly irresponsible of me to grant that request. Why it's basically the same as asking for the destruction of Hell itself!"
King Kai tsked. "I don't think that would be too much of an issue actually. Are you forgetting we have Goku here with us? I'm sure he wouldn't mind subduing the villains if things get out of hand, would you, Goku?"
The Saiyan quickly choked down a meat bun. "Well, it'd sort of be picking on them at this point, but yeah, I'd be willing to step in in need be." He ended with a grin.
The North Kai nodded. "And anyway, I don't need their bodies restored all at once. I would, of course, be willing to assume full responsibility for anything that went wrong."
"Uggggghn..." Yemma facepalmed. "May I at least ask why you need these miscreants restored?"
"Mm... Let's just say the South Kai and I are conducting an experiment, and we need to first find a willing test subject."
Yemma closed his eyes. So in other words, another one of your bets. He sighed internally. "King Kai, though it's against my better judgment, I will grant your request. I shall have the soul of Ginyu transported to the beginning of Snake Way, that you may meet with him."
King Kai allowed himself a sidelong smile. "Thank you, King Yemma. I really do appreciate it."
The giant judged muttered something unintelligible, at which point the northern Kai cut their communication. The diminutive man allowed himself a knowing chuckle, his plan taking shape.
"What's all this about, North Kai!" South Kai stomped over, a little more than irritated.
"Patience, patience, South Kai!" He threw up his hands in a non-threatening gesture. "I promise you'll find out everything you want to know when we meet with Ginyu's soul on Snake Way. Didn't I say I'd make this bet of ours more interesting?"
South Kai said nothing, choosing to cross his arms in a huff. Goku trotted up to King Kai, a few apples in hand. "So we're really going to meet with Ginyu, huh, King Kai?"
"Well, it certainly seems so. I hope you're not op-posed." He snorted, content to laugh at his own joke. "Get it? Ginyu? Op-posed?"
Goku and the southern Kai just stared back at him vapidly.
The Kai of the north cleared his throat and adjusted his glasses. "Er... Let's be off."