Thank you to Little Miss Reaper for the prompt!
I don't own anything to do with Star Trek.
Come to think of it I don't even own a copy of the movie.
Why is that?
*goes off to right this wrong*
It's Just a Fat-Shirt
Kirk reclined on the biobed while Bones stitched him up from his latest act of blatantly stupid heroism.
Kirk would have said it differently. He would have said he lounged roguishly as the good doctor stitched the trifling scratch. The whole sword fight and all he had received was an impressive but very shallow laceration to his even more impressive abs.
"You're an idiot." Bones said as he picked up the dermal regenerator, now that he was sure the wound was clean and truly, mercifully, only a graze. "You're a lucky, lucky bastard. But that doesn't make you any less of an idiot."
"Aw! Come on Bones! Didn't you see me down there? I was amazing!" Kirk was getting riled up again which made his stomach muscles clench.
"If you could take it down a notch while I get this done." Bones said in his long suffering way.
"Yeah, yeah, sure, sure." Kirk relaxed his stomach, but was still grinning ear to ear. Bones wondered if he had given him too much for the pain. He decided it was more likely that he hadn't given him enough if it meant that he had to listen to this.
Kirk did his best to stay still for his friend as he drummed his fingers on the edge of the biobed, practically humming.
"But seriously! I was awesome! I was AGLOW with awesome, wouldn't you say?"
Bones sighed and made the final pass sealing the wound shut fully. The door to the med deck slid open, admitting Spock.
"Yes Jim. You're positively radiant. Glowing in fact."
"I am aren't I?" Still grinning, Jim turned to greet his Second and new lover who had paused at the door, a quizzical look on his face. Jim decided his lover did not look happy. It probably had to do with the close call. He quickly dropped most of his smile and changed to his Captain voice. Trying to out run the telling sentimental banter.
"Spock," he said clearing his throat. "Report. What news from the surface?"
Bones snorted. Not fooled for a second, and set down the dermal regenerator on a tray with a few other tools he hadn't had the time to put away before the Captain had walked in to bleed all over his clean med deck.
"The coup has been averted. The rulers send their thanks. And they have signed the new treaty with Starfleet."
"Excellent!" Kirk grinned.
"Yes, good job! Fan-fare, tickertape, yadda yadda. Seriously Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you. You need to start being more careful. More than one life relies on yours—"
"Not now Bones." Kirk cut him off. Trying to use his serious Captain tone on Bones as well.
"I am your doctor and your friend, and I'm telling you that you need to stop taking these risks. You're not in a position to be running around, taking these kind of chances— hobgoblin, back me up here, his getting into trouble is partially your fault too."
At this Spock's eyebrows met with his hair and stayed there. It seemed like the right thing to do.
"Hey, Spock had nothing to do with this." Kirk gestured to his now healed stomach.
Bones snorted. "I highly doubt that."
Kirk rolled his eyes and Bones reflected for a minute that it was a wonder Wynona Kirk hadn't killed the boy in his teenage years.
Nurse Chaple chose that moment to walk into the room from one of the office areas carrying an arm load of PADD's.
"These need your signature, doctor." She said, more than used to the CMO's grumbling, she shoved the first of the stack into his hands.
Kirk seized the opportunity her entrance offered and hopped off the biobed and headed for the door.
"This isn't over!" Bones called as the door to the hall swished open and Kirk and Spock stepped out.
"Captain..?" Spock breathed.
Uh-oh, Kirk thought, that's a "we need to talk" voice.
"Yes Spock?" Kirk smiled at him in that can't-we-talk-about-this-another-time-whatever-it-is, fashion and threw in a lifted eyebrow as if to say see-I-can-do-it-too.
After a pause, Spock said simply. "Your shirt."
"Oh! Yes! Of course!" Kirk laughed as he looked down at his bare stomach. Am I gaining weight? He thought. "Can't go walking around like this. I'll just run back to my quarters. I'll see you on the bridge in seven minutes. You know this is getting to be such a regular thing I should just start keeping a spare on hand."
Spock's lips twitched. Kirk wasn't sure if it was a smile or a nervous tick. Did Vulcan's have nervous ticks?
"I'll see you on the bridge…Jim." Spock said softly and clearly as he walked ahead, passed the turbolift doors.
"Ah, shit," Jim mutter as the lift doors sprang open to admit him. Public use of my first name? I am so totally in trouble.
Spock stood at his station staring at the screen but not truly seeing it. Normally splitting his attention between multiple subjects was of no issue, but today was an exception.
Spock was puzzled. No, Spock wasn't just puzzled; he was worried with enough facts to border on legitimate concern. This combined with everything he knew, suspected, and worse, didn't know was culminating in a feeling that could best be described by a charming human colloquialism Spock had never expected to associate with him self personally.
Spock was freaking out.
In light of recent developments and events between him and the Captain, Spock had begun researching human mating rituals. He had decided to be more thorough in his research than he had been when he had had his brief and confusing relationship with Uhura.
This time he had covered any topic he could get his hands on. Some areas of his search had been curbed rather quickly when he decided that he DID NOT need to delve too deeply into the sorts of things that humans did in the bedroom. A glance had told him that a few things on the list under "Kinks" had been of interest, on the whole however, he was left with his ears blushing green and his stomach rolling in a rather unpleasant fashion. No, he did not need to know.
However the conversation between Dr. McCoy and Jim along with his own niggling doubts had left him…unsettled.
"Yes Jim. You're positively radiant. Glowing in fact."
"Seriously Jim, I've been meaning to talk to you. You need to start being more careful. More than one life relies on yours—"
"You're not in a position to be running around, taking these kind of chances— hobgoblin, back me up here, it's partially your fault, his getting into trouble."
"Hey, Spock had nothing to do with this." Kirk gestured to his stomach.
Dr. McCoy snorted. "I highly doubt that."
Taken alone any one of those statements might very well be innocent. However combined with his recent studies, a few unresolved issues, the sense that he wasn't being told something, and an irrational sensation Spock often had around Jim were working together at the moment with the doubt and panic. The resulting sensation had Spock's palms sweating profusely. He was also having some difficulty swallowing.
Jim chose that moment to come back to the bridge.
Spock glanced up from his station, noted the distracted look of his Captain, and the unhappy look he sent Spock's way before taking his command chair.
Spock glanced down at Jim's new shirt. It had a curious cut to it; it was a wrap style garment that crossed over the front abdominal area. Spock knew from a fashion stand point that this cut was meant to hide, meant to conceal.
Spock's eyebrows climbed back into his hair line and promised to stay there for the duration of his shift. He hastily directed his attention back to his station and applied himself to the equations there with a will that was decidedly Vulcan.
Jim noted his lovers distracted state as he came on to the bridge and when Spock gave him that strange look and returned to his station, looking every inch the reserved and controlled Vulcan he knew that he was in trouble.
Jim settled back into his chair for a good sulk, and applied himself to his tasks as best he could. His good mood however, was all but shattered.
He was no longer aglow with awesome. He was flickering with nausea and tension. Jim was normally very good at rolling with the punches and being ready to hit the ground running. But an impending fight with a lover was something that could ruin the best of days.
And to top it all off the new skin on his stomach itched but of course he couldn't scratch it while he was being all Captain-like. He settled for occasionally pressing on the fresh healed wound in hopes of alleviating some of the irritation.
When Spock looked up from his station after some time it was to see Jim carefully holding his abdominal muscles, his brow knit and eyes distant.
It was too much.
He turned back to his station and gave up his work as a lost cause. Instead he used every ounce of will he had left to keep his features schooled in a position that would not frighten or alarm anyone in his general vicinity. It was all he could do not to put his head in his hand and breathe heavily. Hyperventilate, was the term.
Only 4.75 minutes until his shift was over.
Kirk glanced towards Spock's station as their shift ended but it was already empty.
Kirk looked around the bridge and just barely caught sight of Spock as the turbolift doors snapped shut with Spock inside.
SSShhhhhhhit. Kirk thought as he stood up and walked to the turbolift, trying to act nonchalant. He was intercepted by a Yeoman with a PADD and a confused and haggard look on her face for his trouble.
He spent the next five minutes sorting out last minute problems before he was even able to get off the bridge.
As the lift doors closed Kirk pressed the heals of his hands to his aching head for a moment as he tried to puzzle out where is lover might have gone.
After considering it for a moment he decided that he was too hungry to handle the situation and would deal with it on a full stomach.
That decided he wound head for the mess hall and then he would look for his wayward lover.
Kirk had checked Spock's usual haunts and had come up empty.
Frustrated, he finally came to Spock's quarters and knocked but got no answer. He even went so far as to let himself in on the extremely small chance that Spock would have ignored his knock. Spock was not in the small suite of rooms.
Kirk decided to go back to his own quarters for the time being, since obviously Spock did not want to be found.
He crossed the hall and went into his own suite of rooms to find his lover sitting on his couch with his head in his hands.
Spock looked up and Kirks annoyance was entirely gone as he watched the war of muted but obvious emotions play across Spock's face.
"Jim." One word and again Kirk could hear and see things like fear, and panic, and worry, and resolve coming from Spock.
"Spock. What's wrong? If it's about the thing with the sword, I'm sorry. I'll try to be more careful! But seriously I've totally gotten worse—"
"Jim." There was a question in there, Kirk could tell.
"Jim." He watched Spock swallow.
"Spock?" What could be bad as all this? He knew his lover was not given to dramatics, so he might well have a legitimate concern, but this was so uncharacteristic of his lover he was beginning to panic a little as well. He started to walk toward his lover. "Spock, really, what is it? You're very smart, much smarter than me, I'm certain. But whatever it is it can't be-"
" Are you pregnant?"
"Are you pregnant?"
"I, I don't think so. Why? What is this about? Spock?"
Kirk couldn't decide if this was funny or terrifying, though he was pretty sure he was going to laugh.
Kirk decided against laughing. It was no laughing matter if it had his lover, the unflappable Vulcan, this…concerned.
Kirk plunked himself down on the couch.
"I don't think I'm pregnant, Spock."
Spock sat still and silent.
"Is that really possible? I mean, I thought we were safe. You're a man, I'm a man. This equation doesn't normally work out to babies."
"No, normally it does not." Spock said, his eyes on his hands.
"So what's not normal now?" Kirk asked, trying to coax his lover to make that sense he was normally so good at making.
"I'm not, Jim."
"Riiight. My darling Vulcan, what am I going to do with you?"
"I am not normal, Jim. In point of fact, I am an anomaly that very well should never have existed. It took my parents a very long time to mange to have me, and when they did everyone was more than a little surprised. Unsure as to how the genes would mix, as to what I would become." Spock looked distant.
"And because of that you think I'm pregnant." Two and two were not equaling four today, Kirk decided. "What ever brought this up?"
Spock blushed a little. "Dr. McCoy said you were glowing and since you did not seem to be, in a literal sense, emitting light, I made a possibly erroneous leap that he was using the term as it is applied to female humans when with child. His continued concern over your behavior, referencing the need for a change because of lives depending on yours and the accusation that I had something to do with the "trouble" you were in. Trouble being a term some time used for female humans who find themselves unexpectedly with child. Further your behavior indicative of evasion through the time after your trip to the infirmary, and seemingly unconscious gesture of holding your abdomen…"
Spock trailed off as he looked up to find Kirk looking at him with a strangely bemused and intense expression. "For starters, you think too much. Also I'm kinda amused and rather pleased that you pay just that much attention to the things I do. And even if you're half Vulcan, I don't think you are going to get me pregnant no matter how many strange beams of radiation either of us gets hit with."
"You are not concerned then?"
"My big concern was that you seemed upset with me. I was honestly trying to dodge the fight."
Spock lifted a wry eyebrow at that. "Running away doesn't sound like you, Captain."
"When my lover looks mad at me I have been know to behave in uncharacteristic and stupid ways."
"I will keep that in mind."
"But I don't think that I'm pregnant." Kirk shook his head. "Was there anything else to indicate that I may in fact be pregnant?"
"There is the matter of your shirt."
"My shirt?" Kirk gave Spock and incredulous look.
"The cut of that garment, one I have never seen you wear before this day, is often used to conceal a change in mass." Spock stated.
"You have to be kidding me." Kirk fell back in the couch. "Not only is my lover accusing me of being pregnant, but I'm also getting fat. Thanks."
"You are not getting fat, Jim."
"You have gained 8.3lbs over the past few months. But I would not say that you have gotten fat."
Jim pulled down one of the couch cushions over his face and made frustrated noises into it.
"Does that not make it difficult to breathe?" Spock inquired.
Kirk sat up and considered his lover for a moment.
"Fine. I'll call an expert." Jim walked over to his desk and called down to the med deck. The screen revealed Bones asleep at his desk.
"Hey! Bones!" Kirk said loudly.
"Wha! What's happening?" Bones snorted awake.
Kirk smirked as his friend came to his senses and stared at the screen in an accusing manner. "What do you want? And it better be good."
"I have a medical question for you." Kirk smiled sweetly.
"What is it?" Bones asked after a moment, not trusting the look on Kirks face.
"Spock says that I'm either pregnant or getting fat, you want to toss your hat in the ring on this one?"
"If you're pregnant, I'm the Queen of France. And if Mister Spock can turn you into a filly I am filming that shit and selling it to Ripley's. Now if you'll excuse me I have more important things to do than to be party to a lovers quarrel, now go to bed— and stop scratching your new skin, damnit!" The link went dead and Kirk fixed his gaze on Spock.
"Does Bones look like the Queen of France to you?" Kirk asked straight-faced.
"Indeed he does not."
"Well then," Kirk smiled, standing up from his desk and crossing to where his lover sat, "that settles that."
Jims smile became a bit bitter as he said. "Just means that I'm getting fat, that's all."
"If I may suggest. In my studies into human mating rituals I discovered some rather, involved, exercises that may be of… interest."
"Do tell." Kirk smiled broadly.
"I believe this is something I had better demonstrate, Captain."
"By all means." Kirk waved a hand in the direction of his bedroom.
"If you insist."
Kirk lost 9lbs in the month after.
R.I.P. Fabulous Green Shirt.