Summary: Spoilers for 7.04 "Massage Therapy." Short theory on how House found the masseur he hires for Cuddy in this episode. Dialogue only.

Disclaimer: I own neither House, male hookers, or exotic massage therapists.

How House Found Cuddy's Masseur

Hello?

Hey. It's House.

House. It's been awhile, man.

Yeah, well I told you I usually go for the women.

I know, I know. So, tonight? Eleven?

No, I don't need that. I've got a girlfriend now. What I need is a name. You know somebody who does massages?

You're calling me up for a recommendation? What's wrong with me?

Listen, if he's good, I'll give you a cut. The point is it has to be someone I haven't slept with. It's my girlfriend. She got whiny cause I used one of my girls as a masseuse, so now I have to find a male hooker to use as a masseur for her to show that it's okay. You got a name for me or not?

All right, all right, jeez. Okay, there's this guy I know, his name's Felipe, he's been taking a couple massage therapy classes. Good enough for you?

Sounds exotic. That's good. Can I have his number?

Yeah, sure, let me find it...

...

You know, since the guy's turning to massage therapy instead of escorting, I'm sure there's a reason for it. I mean, if he wasn't making that much in this industry–

–Quit bitching, Trey. When Lisa and I break up and I need a fix, I'll be calling you, not him.

Huh.

What? Can't find the number? I thought you were one of those gay guys that's OCD about organisation. Like Wilson would be if he were gay.

You know, if you'd just let me meet the guy I could tell you whether he likes you or not. But it's not that, I found the number. Why do you want to hire a masseur for your girlfriend if you're just gonna dump her? To ease the pain?

What are you talking about? I'm not dumping her.

No, it's just that...you said 'When Lisa and I break up.' Not 'if.' So I assumed–

–That's why I don't pay you to assume. And I'll give you an even higher cut if you could just give me this guy's number without psychoanalysing me. I've got Wilson for that.

All right, okay. Jeez, no wonder your subconscious knows you and this girl aren't gonna last. This guy's all you ever talk about.

Final warning, Trey.

All right, all right, here's his number. You got a pen?