Hans, Ja, and Karpathian Blood Beer


Thanks again, GreyWizard!


"Later, guys, got to go to my date," Buffy said as she slipped on some earrings. She was dressing conservatively – at least in comparison to how she usually did – in a blue blazer with a slim miniskirt that reached about 80% of the way down her thighs. Conservative heels made her seem a little taller, but not so much that the height difference was extreme. Thursday had finally arrived and she was determined to make it a success.

"Date?" Hermione asked.

"With Tonks," Buffy clarified.

"I thought you were just talking about security," Harry said.

"It's a date," Buffy growled through gritted teeth before storming out of the room.

"Did I say something wrong?" Harry asked as soon as she was gone. He glanced to his quasi-In-Laws for clarification.

"Aunt Buffy has miraculously bad luck with men," Hermione said, taking pity on her fiance. "She just didn't want to jinx it before it began."

"Bad luck?"

"About 90% of her significant others try to eventually kill her or us," Dawn said. Harry's eyes went wide.

"Really?" Harry said, thinking back to what he and Xander had talked about the night before.

"Really," mother and daughter replied flatly.

"Best of luck to her, then," Harry said honestly. "Let's get that lucky 10%."

Padfoot, listening in, suddenly remembered something about his family tree. The only Tonks-es he knew were…

Oh, this was going to be fun.


The bar, Hans' Pub and Eats, was quiet, low lit, smoke free and friendly. Buffy had been there before and had liked it. She especially like the anti-violence spells because, this way, her dates couldn't try to kill her. On the other hand, she wasn't able to kill them if her dates turned evil, but fortunately, there were plenty of dark alleys nearby to drag them into for a little hack and slash, if things got icky.

The place was run by a German beer demon who always managed to get the best stuff from all over the world. Buffy ordered a Guinness and waited for her date. Buffy kept glancing at the door and the clock. She'd gotten there early, but not that early, and it was almost time.

The expected time came and went. The clock ticked past by fifteen minutes, a half hour and then forty-five minutes. At fifty-three minutes late, Tonks walked through the door. He looked hurried, his shoulders broad in his coat and stood up straight with perfect posture. He saw Buffy and waved. The Auror started over, slightly tripping over a stool before making his way to her booth.

"Sorry I'm late," Tonks told her. "There was an… incident with a fire and they forced me to do some extra paperwork. I tried to leave a note at your home, but your house isn't connected to the floo network and I didn't think an owl would get there fast enough. I hope you weren't waiting too long?"

Buffy smiled fakely. "No, not too long."

"Oh, good," Tonks said, seeming a little nervous. "uh, what's good here?"

Buffy leaned back in her chair and waved to get the bar-demon's attention. "Hans, two specials please?"

"Ja," said Hans before lumbering into the kitchen. Tonks noticed that his joints didn't seem to work in the exactly right way.

"The specials are always different, but usually really good," Buffy said.

"Oh, thanks," Tonks said looking down at his plate. "Maybe I should get something to drink?"

"A specialty beer comes with the meal. He'll pick one out that fits," Buffy said. "You look nervous."

"Well, I, er… I don't date much," Tonks said. "And… well it shows a little. Right now. And well, there's something that I need to tel-"

"Oh good, you did think this was a date," Buffy said with a relieved sigh. Tonks looked at her a little funny, having been interrupted once more.

"Sorry," Buffy apologized, "just something Harry said. Not a big deal."

Hans deposited a beer glass in front of Tonks. The liquid was thick, dark and had a good head. The auror took a sip and it was like ambrosia.

"Karpathian blood beer?" Buffy asked him.

"Ja," said Hans before heading back to the bar. Buffy leaned in close to Tonks and grinned.

"That's the only word I've ever heard him say," she whispered.

Tonks couldn't help but laugh at that.

Soon, the food came and they started talking. They talked about many things, not only about security for the house.

"So, Buffy, what do you do for work?" Tonks asked.

"I'm, well, think of me as an independent contractor for a global firm," Buffy said. "I'm one of the girls they send in when things are about to go horribly wrong."

"So you're the axe gal?"

"Only sometimes," Buffy said with a grin. "Usually, I carry a sword and a stake to get the point in."

As Buffy dates went, this went well.

However, as Buffy dates went, it was also rather predictable. The beer kept flowing and since it was really, really good beer, they kept drinking. Now, a peculiar thing about Slayers is that their metabolism is special. They can metabolize alcohol pretty fast for the most part, but they're still affected by any magical signatures in what they drink, allowing potions and the like to affect them greatly. Cave-Buffy was a good example of this. Now, for the rest of the night, the two of them drank demon beer, magic demon beer. Buffy, while physically sound, was mentally rather loopy and eventually blacked out.


The next morning, Harry woke up early, as he usually did, managed to avoid waking his fiancée, and made his way into the bathroom. He had learned early on that it was a good idea to get certain things out of the way early, a lesson the other two men in the house had quickly passed on. Teeth scrubbed, face washed and body cleaned, Harry stepped out of the bath and made his way back to the room. On his way he found a suspicious looking shirt announcing the wearer's dedication to the Wyrd Sisters, a wizarding band. He was pretty sure that Hermione wasn't a fan. Soon, he found another piece of clothing, something he was quite sure was witch underwear, even if he wasn't supposed to know such things. Then he found Buffy's blazer and skirt.

Content that he had already suffered from Too Much Information, Harry slipped back into his and Hermione's room, got dressed, and quickly slide downstairs to start making breakfast.


Buffy Summers, the Thrice Dead Slayer, awoke to birds chirping outside her window and sun streaming down upon her. She felt relaxed and stretched in a way that she hadn't felt in a really long time. She didn't really remember exactly what had happened the previous night, but she was pretty sure it had been good.

She felt the warmth of another body pressed up against her. As much as the slayer was slightly miffed at herself for getting into such a situation on the first date, she hoped that Tonks wouldn't hold it against her. Or, judging by the way she felt, maybe she'd really like Tonks to hold it against her, or in her, over and over and over again. She reached down to rub her sleeping partner on the back and received a pleased, sleepy moan.

Then her partner rolled over to reveal a beautiful woman with pert breasts of realistic, yet subtlely larger girth for her frame, spiky pink hair (which was apparently her real hair color) and legs. She also had scratch marks all over her back. A little concerned about her feeble memory of the previous night's activities, Buffy held out her hand for comparison and sure enough, the partially healed gouges were spaced perfectly for the blonde slayer's hand and nails.

"Oh, fooie," Buffy said to no one in particular.

Next was the question of what to do. On one hand, Buffy had clearly brought the girl back and had, by observation of the evidence, wonderful, passionate sex - kinky even. On the other hand, she had no idea who this woman was or any memory of what they did the previous night. Before she could answer or even further ponder the question, the woman stretched in the sunlight.

"Murgh," the girl mumbled as she stretched in bed. "Last night was amazing."

Buffy didn't say anything. This was primarily because she didn't know what to say. The girl opened her eyes and looked at Buffy with a stunning smile and pulled the blonde into a deep morning after kiss. Buffy had to admit that it felt really, really good. Then the girl seemed to suddenly realize something.

"Uh," Buffy said.

"Yeah, Buff?" the girl said. At least the girl knew her name. Buffy hadn't the slightest idea who the fetching lass in bed with her was.

"Who are you?" Buffy asked, letting her eyes trail down her partner's naked form.

"Oh, I've really bollixed this one up," the girl said looking at her definitely feminine body. "Bloody Merlin, I transformed in my sleep again." Her hair turned bright purple and then shifted back to pink. "You know, I usually don't do this on the first date."

"Neither do I," Buffy said. "So, who?"

"Uh, Hi," said the girl. "I'm Tonks."

"Tonks - as in the guy I had a date with last night, Tonks?" Buffy asked.

"Yeah, that'd be me," Tonks replied, self consciously pulling a sheet up to her neck. With an embarrassed squeak from her lips, she shifted into the male form Buffy was familiar with, and then back into her usual pink haired female form. "I guess I should have told you I'm a metamorphmagus before, but you kept interrupting me every time I tried to tell you. Not an excuse, I know. Then we were pissed and you stuck your tongue down my throat to try to tickle my belly button from the inside. Then we came back here."

"So, are you male or female," Buffy asked.

"This be my real form," Tonks answered worriedly. "You know, you're the first woman I've been with. I-I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but do you think, you know, that maybe we could go a little slower? I'm usually not this kind of girl."

"Uh," Buffy said intelligently. "I'm usually not this kind of girl, either."

They paused.

"Slower is good."

"Good."

"Good."

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Want to go again?" Buffy asked.

"I thought you'd never ask!"


Hermione woke up to hear unfortunately familiar sounds coming from a nearby bedroom.

"Why is Faith in Buffy's room?"


Next Time: Aggressive Family interrogations!