A/N: Another incredibly stupid story written a while ago about Matt Hardy and mustard...Need I say more? I know it's idiotic but I felt an urge to post it. Please read, review, but most importantly, enjoy. :)
Disclaimer: If it's recognizable, it is not mine. I just wish it was...
A Messy Affair
"Look me in the eyes and tell me," Jeff was saying. "Tell me why you do not like mustard."
The Hardys had been arguing about this for years. Jeff never missed an opportunity to bring it up. He knew that just the mere mention of the word "mustard" made Matt feel very, very queasy. As the brothers, Shane Helms, and Shannon Moore were sitting around Matt's kitchen table, Jeff certainly picked an important topic.
Matt groaned. "The smell, the look, just everything," he explained for the hundred billionth time. "It's just…mustard!"
"You know," said the brothers' friend, Shane Helms. "Amy always hated mustard, too." They were able to talk about Matt's ex-girlfriend now; the past was behind Lita and Matt.
"Oh, believe me. I hated mustard way before I ever even met Amy." Matt grinned. "Actually, I think she got it from me. She never talked about mustard until I started talking about it."
That got a laugh from all the guys. They were all eating hot dogs, which is the reason why Jeff had brought up the touchy subject. Three had mustard on their food, but one very stubborn man only had ketchup. Despite this, everyone was in high spirits and having a good time.
It was Shannon's turn to speak. "Matt, you know that if you just try it, Jeff will be off your back at least for a little while."
"I will not eat that nasty stuff!" Matt protested. "Y'all can't make me do it."
In a sing-song voice, Shane said, "Matt. You know you want to try it."
"Yeah, just quit hiding your true feelings," Jeff said. "Love of mustard is something you can only deny for so long. I know you; you'll love it once you take a bite."
"Oh, my God. Just shut up," Matt pleaded, throwing an onion at both Shane and Jeff. "Just eat your hot dogs and get outta my face."
They all enjoyed seeing Matt get angry, especially when they knew that they were the ones that had caused his frustration. In all actuality, Matt was having fun. He liked having the attention on him.
Soon, Shane and Shannon said they had to exit the house. They claimed that they had other business to attend to. Matt wasn't sure if he believed them or not. With a wave good-bye, the two men were out the door. Now, Matt was stuck with Jeff.
"Come on. You can tell me," Jeff tried to pry. "What's the real reason you don't like mustard?" Before Matt could respond, Jeff said, "Hold on, hold on! This is probably like that episode of SpongeBob where Squidward really loves Krabby Patties!" He was all worked up. He was on a roll. "That's what it is, isn't it? You love mustard!"
Rolling his eyes, Matt said, "No, dude, this ain't SpongeBob. I hate mustard. And need I remind you that poor Squiddy exploded when he ate them?" Matt stopped in his tracks. "Wait a second. Why are you watchin' a little kids' show?"
"It's not a little kids' show," Jeff answered. "SpongeBob is a classic. And apparently you watched it too 'cause you knew what happened to him."
"Whatever. My final word on this whole subject is I absolutely loathe that sick, yellow substance called mustard."
"That's what you're saying now. Maybe if you actually eat some, then you'll like it." Jeff picked up his hot dog from his plate. "Here, try it."
"Jeff, I'm not touching that nasty thing, let alone putting it in my mouth. Just get over it."
The younger Hardy shook his head. "Matt, you never know if you don't like it unless you try it. So just take a tiny bite." He shoved the food closer to Matt's face. "Come on. Take it. It's not gonna hurt you or anything. It's just a little hot dog." He tried to give it to Matt again, but his brother just slowly backed away. "Dude, it's not gonna bite you."
Matt didn't care what Jeff said. There was no way he was going to stay and have a mustard covered hot dog shoved into his mouth. This was one condiment that would never touch his lips. He left Jeff in the kitchen and went into his living room.
"When you're done being a little baby, then I'll come talk to you," Jeff called from the kitchen. "I'm leaving now."
He heard the door close as Jeff left the house. He was relieved when his brother had gone away. Jeff was always doing things like this. When will he understand that mustard just isn't my thing? Matt wondered.
He settled himself in his bedroom and wondered what was so wrong with hating mustard.
"You'd think I was the only person in the world that didn't like it," Matt muttered, referring to his obvious mustard hatred. "Those guys are just idiots."
Meanwhile, those "idiots" were having a top secret meeting at Jeff's house. This was apparently what they considered to be very important business.
"Okay, so Jeff, you got a key, right?" Shane asked, getting a nod from Jeff as a response. "And me and Shannon will buy some mustard besides what we already have, and then, when we know he's asleep, we attack!"
"But how will we know when he's sleeping?" Shannon asked.
"Shannon, it'll be when he's done Tweeting. Duh," Jeff said, implying that everyone should know this fact.
"Oh, I get it," Shannon said, understanding the whole situation.
"All right. Everyone's good on the plan?" Shane questioned.
"Yeah!" Jeff and Shannon shouted enthusiastically.
Shannon was impressed. "It's perfect. Genius."
"Okay. I have a feeling he'll probably be in bed by, say, two in the morning," Jeff revealed. "So we can probably do this then." And with that, Shane and Shannon were gone, searching for mustard.
Matt had an early photo shoot the next morning so he was on a strict sleeping schedule. He was in bed by midnight.
Shannon and Shane made a quick trip to Wal-Mart and got what appeared to be a lifetime supply of mustard. They met back at Jeff's place and talked things over. An hour later, the three people who were the closest to Matt were prepping their evil trick on him. They couldn't contain their excitement as the time came. Finally, Jeff said, "It's two."
The three men trekked from Jeff's house to Matt's, armed with mustard. When they got there, Jeff pulled out the key and silently put it in the lock. He opened the door, as quietly as possible. Once they were inside, they tip-toed down the hall, towards Matt's room. When they opened the door, each man, holding two mustard containers, crept up to their friend's sleeping form.
They were all gathered around Matt. They twisted the caps and squirted him with the cold, yellow condiment that he hated so very much. It was all over his face, all over his hair. It was on his hands, legs, arms, and feet. Not one inch of him was left uncovered.
"Aah! Aah!" Matt screamed. "Mustard Man, go away!" He twisted and turned all about. "Mean Mr. Mustard Man! Mean Mr. Mustard Man! Get out!" His eyes were clamped shut. "Go! Get away from me! What do you want? I don't want you anywhere near me, Mustard Man,"
Jeff, Shannon, and Shane all looked at each other. Then, laughter erupted from each of them, and Matt's eyes opened. He stared at the guys around him and then down at himself. He saw the yellow stuff everywhere and he began yelling.
"What's wrong with you guys? Can't you accept that someone's not like you? Y'all have problems! Get out of my house! You are all dead!" He looked Jeff straight in the eyes. "Especially you! Now, get!" Matt jumped out of his bed and chased the guys out of his room and then right out of his house.
"So whose bright idea was it to do that?" Matt asked a few days later, once he had gotten his anger out of him.
Jeff smirked at him. "Well, it was a combination of all of us. Some things I came up with, some Shane and Shannon did. It was a collaborative effort."
"It was a good joke, Jeff. But don't go thinkin' you can do that any time you wanna. I'm not gonna let you off so easy next time."
Jeff nearly choked on the water he was drinking. "Easy? You call what you did going easy?" Matt nodded and Jeff continued. "Dude, you made each of us get in the ring with…" He swallowed. "The Great Khali."
"I know. I went very easy on you guys. I was actually planning on makin' you get in there with Khali, Big Show, Mark Henry, and Ezekiel Jackson, but did that happen? No. I was very nice to you guys."
"It was many things, but I don't think 'nice' is the word that covers it. Now, 'cruel?' That's a word that describes it. How was that you being nice, at all? That was one of the most inhumane things anybody could've done."
"I just told you why it was nice. I took pity on you guys." Matt thought for a moment. "I almost felt bad for you. Almost."
"Almost felt bad," Jeff muttered under his breath. "Felt bad my—"
"Hey, what's going on?" asked Shane, cutting Jeff off. He and Shannon had just walked into Matt's house. "How ya been holdin' up, Jeffy?"
"Yeah, you got the worst of it, didn't you?" Shannon wondered, taking a seat.
"You think I'd let him get off easily just 'cause he's my little brother? Nah, he definitely got the worst of it," Matt answered for him.
Jeff rubbed his neck, the place that had been injured the most during his "match" with Khali. When he got that vice grip on Jeff, he was done for. "You're gonna pay for that, Matt. Next time, you try to play a joke on me, you're gonna get it."
"Ooh. I'm so scared," Matt mocked. He laughed and punched his brother in the arm. "Seriously, you can never trick me again. I'll be prepared."
Jeff was now wincing from the blow to the arm. "Ow."
Shane started laughing at him. "You are such a wimp. All he did was lightly punch you."
Shane continued. "You're being a baby."
Jeff childishly stuck his tongue out at him. "Am not."
"Do you not realize what you just did? You're tongue was just pointed in my direction. Way to be a toddler." Shane took a seat. "No wonder so many of your fans are under ten."
"First of all, I told you to shut up. Then, I told you I'm not a baby because I am not a child!" Jeff shouted, agitated. "Anyway, you're the baby, Helms."
Shane hadn't been paying much attention to what Jeff had been saying, but when he heard his name mentioned along with the word, "baby," he immediately became curious. "Um… What did you just say to me?"
"I just called you a baby. A b-a-b-y," he spelled out.
Shane gasped in shock. "Whassup wit dat?" he asked, using his notorious catchphrase.
"Children, children," Matt said. "Obviously, there is just a big misunderstanding. It's not that big of a deal." He thought for a moment. "Just admit that you're both babies and let it go."
The two involved in the argument just stared at the mediator wordlessly. Then, they stared at each other, eyes wide and mouths open.
"Did… Did you just call us babies?" they said at the same time.
"Uh, yeah. You guys are both being babies. It's pretty obvious."
Instantly, the two turned on Matt. "We aren't babies!" they screamed together.
Shannon began to laugh uncontrollably. "You guys…should…hear yourselves," he said between chortles. "Each one…of y'all…sounds like…a baby. Ha-ha, ha-ha!" His laughter soon subsided. "Whew. I got to go. I'm supposed to have lunch with Julie," Shannon abruptly said. His wife liked having lunch with him at least once a week.
"How dare he!" all three of the guys said when Shannon had left.
Matt was beyond offended. "He seriously called me a baby? What?"
Shane felt the same way. "He's just jealous of us. We're way better than him."
"Wait, wait. Maybe Shannon's right. Maybe we were acting a bit childish."
Matt and Shane couldn't believe what they were hearing. How could Jeff be agreeing with Shannon when he had just insulted all three of them?
Shane let out a frustrated chuckle. "Dude, what do you mean? What are you talkin' about?"
"Yeah, you're not makin' sense," said Matt. "He shouldn't have said that to us."
"But we were saying it to each other, weren't we? It's not like he was being any different than us. We were acting like idiots," Jeff replied, being the unlikely voice of reason.
Sighing, Matt said, "Okay. Maybe you're right. We were acting pretty stupid. But none of this would have ever happened if you hadn't squirted that mustard on me!"
"Oh, no. Trust me, Matthew," Shane butted in. "All of this would have happened at some point."
"Fine." Matt didn't like to be wrong, but he had to admit that he had a feeling this little confrontation would have played out sometime. More importantly, he was proud of his little brother. Usually, Jeff was always getting in some sort of trouble, and Matt was the one who had to be responsible. In this case, Jeff was stopping their immaturity.
"Well, this was pretty embarrassing," Shane said. "We should not have gotten so carried away with all of that."
"Yeah," Matt sighed. "Jeff, I'm sorry for having Khali basically kill ya. Oh, and for callin' ya a baby. You, too, Shane."
"It's all right. It was our idea to pour the mustard on you. I'm sorry for that," Jeff apologized.
"Yeah. I'm sorry, too, Matt. It was really stupid of us," Shane said.
Jeff clapped his hands together. "Okay, now that the apologies are done, what do you say we start grilling some food?"
Matt and Shane cheered. For them, there was nothing like burgers and hot dogs being cooked on the grill.
As the newly matured men walked outside, Jeff became curious about something. "Hey, Matt," he called. Matt looked over at him. Jeff smirked at Shane. "Why is it that you don't like mustard?"
And with that, the ball was rolling yet again.
If you got this far, I salute and thank you. That was horrendous but I kind of liked it. Hopefully, you all did, too. Review whether you did or didn't. :)