The Random Crack of Haruhi Suzumiya

Kyon, Haruhi, Itsuki, Mikuru and Yuki, collectively known as the SOS Brigade, were having one of their meetings in their clubroom. Alternatively one could say that they were pissing around in the literature clubroom, but that wouldn't sound good enough for Haruhi, so one doesn't say such things.

Now, Itsuki and Kyon were currently studying a theory that if you play enough board games, you discover an alien species, Mikuru was cosplaying to attract perverted espers, and Haruhi and Yuki were researching ways to time-travel. Okay, no they weren't but again, what they were actually doing sounded to bland for Haruhi.

"I'm bored," said Haruhi, and in each of the other brigade members' heads, little alarm bells started to ring. Haruhi was bored, therefore shit would soon go down. Kyon was at that point very glad that Haruhi had never considered taking drugs, due to the effect that it would have one the world: afterwards they wouldn't just need an asprin and a cup of coffee.

"What do you want us to do about it?" Kyon asked, ready to give Haruhi some private attention again. What? Who said that sleeping with God wasn't a good way of saving the world?

"Well, I want somebody awesome to just come in that door right now," and as she said this, low and behold, the door opened.

"Excuse me, I seem to have got lost in this place. Hang on which story did I end up in?... Oh f*** you Wolfie for sending me here to deal with these guys!"

"Er... who are you?" Kyon asked.

"The name's Misty," the teenage boy who had just entered replied, removing his sunglasses and placing them in a pocket of his waistcoat.

"Misty? Isn't that kinda a girl's name."

"NO! I'm just called that because I can do this..." and Misty promptly turned into... well... mist.

"WOW!" Haruhi shouted, "DID YOU SEE THAT?"

"Yeah, it's a kinda lame power though, I mean, the guy who's writing this must really no want this guy to get any popularity from this venture," Kyon pointed out.

"Guy who's writing this?" Haruhi asked.

"Yeah, do you really think this shit actually happens, it's all made up by some crazy guy," Kyon replied.

"How do you know about Wolfie?" Misty asked as he returned to human form.

"First, as I said, this shit clearly ain't real, second, there are loud typing noises coming from somewhere," this was true, though everybody had thought it was rain, "and third, you said 'which story did I end up in?' earlier."

"So," Kyon continued, "What's this Wolfie guy really called?"

"Oh, his real name is..." Misty didn't finish that sentence, as a sword appeared from nowhere and stabbed him straight through the neck.

A loud voice sounded, "This is how much I like annonimity Misty! It allows me to write complete crap and get away with it!"

Misty had by this point pulled the sword out of his throat, and shouted back, "Well I want out of this crap!"

"WOW!" Haruhi screamed in the background, "We're about to meet God!"

"No! I am not God," the voice sounded again, and a beam of light struck the ground, "I AM... THE WRITER!"

A wolf materialised in the beam of light. Misty coughed, "Well that was an anticlimax."

"Shut up," the wolf said, "And by the way, there's a hole under your feet that I just wrote in." Misty promptly fell down several floors, as the power of the writer showed itself.

"So, you're the most powerful being in the universe?" Haruhi asked, seeming slightly put-out, "I was hoping for something more... humanoid."

The wolf growled, "Miss Suzumiya, for the purposes of this story, you now love animals, as in love love."

"No!" Kyon shouted, before realising that Haruhi was already all over the wolf, as were Mikuru and Yuki. So much for his ideal harem.

"F*** YEAH!" the wolf said.

"Stop right there!" a voice was heard, as Misty clambered out of the hole, "In order for this fic to remain T-rated, you can't go any further."

"F*** you!" the wolf shouted, before summoning 50 meteors, "This is your END!"

"Wolfie-sama!" a voice was heard, as a green-haired girl ran in through the clubroom door, "Ah, I found you... what are those girls doing?"

"Um... Shana... I can explain," Wolfie stammered as Haruhi grabbed his... *ahem* let's not go there.

"WOLFIE!" Shana's anger made a green aura form around her. Then she pointed at Wolfie, "I'm a firin' ma lasor... BLAAARGH!"

The green aura fired straight at Wolfie. "WHAT THE F***? I DIDN'T GIVE SHANA A LASER!"

"I beta'ed it in," Misty said (un)helpfully.

"For the second time today, F*** YOU!" Wolfie then disappeared, and reappeared mysteriously clear from the laser, while the three girls who had been... attending... to him were miraculously unharmed in a way that could only actually happen if a writer didn't want a member of his cast to die, even when by all rights they should have died for ten different reasons. Shana was, to say the least, not very happy with this.

"WOLFIE!"

"I'll make it up to you," Wolfie said in a small voice.

"Take me to that ice cream parlour, and get me all the ice cream in the shop!"

"Okay, just please don't do that again."

"She's really got you house trained hasn't she?" Kyon asked, while Haruhi, now on all fours, looked around for a dog to do stuff to.

"Koizumi, you are now gay, unquestionably."

Koizumi moved up to Kyon, "Hey, Kyon, how about some quality time together?"

"I think it's time we have the uberclimactic final battle!" Misty said suddenly.

"If it means I can have Haruhi, and ONLY Haruhi back in my pants, I'm game," Kyon said.

"Right, bring on... THE STAGE!" Wolfie shouted, as thunder rolled, dramatic music played, and the roof exploded suddenly. The clubroom floor then rose up, and began floating in the sky, expanding at the same time to form a huge platform. Then four beds mysteriously appeared, along with random male extra no. 1.

"The rules are simple, last person left not in bed with somebody else loses. Shana..." Wolfie and Shana slipped into one, Kyon and Haruhi into another, Yuki and Mikuru into the third, and Koizumi and random male extra in the last.

"What? I lose?" Misty asked.

"Yes, you do," Wolfie said, in between doing the unmentionable to Shana. After they finished, he got out. "Now to sort this universe out for the next poor sod who comes to write here. I unleash the power of... THE BACKSPACE!"

And then the whole story was deleted. Unfortunately, Wolfie hadn't realised that Shana had kept a copy, and mysteriously posted it on a website. The crack, now freed upon the world, went into the minds of all who read it, and slowly devoured them, leaving only mindless husks.

And on that cheerful note,

Bis Bald

BW