~ Sawada Tsunayoshi ~
I remembered the day where I lost hope in life.
It was a normal day, like any other day. We woke up together in bed wrapped in beautiful white warm sheets. The sheets of your bed. You would always wake up before me and lay there next to me so you could watch me sleep. You said you loved it. I said I hated it because it was creepy, but deep down inside I found it romantic. You made me hot chocolate that morning like you did other mornings. It was the perfect balance of milk and cream. Nobody made hot chocolate like yours. Nobody.
I wasn't sure but for some reason that morning we stayed in our pajamas and actually enjoyed the morning together. We never did that before. We knew we were going to be late for work but at that time we didn't really seem to care. Originally, I thought the reason why you were being so clingy to me was because your birthday was a week away. You probably wanted something from me. How selfish I was to think such things.
We kissed in the middle of the kitchen as Uri and Natsu rubbed their tails at our feet because they wanted breakfast. My arms reached up for you so you could hold me close. I wanted to feel you up against me. To actual feel you so I could wish really hard for that moment to last forever. The taste of chocolate in both our mouths made the experience warm and sweet. I didn't get my wish, but the feeling of being kissed by you was enough to make it feel magical. It was perfect. Our life together was perfect, like the first fall of winter snow.
At that time, I had no clue that would be the last time we kiss for the next three months.
We went to work late. Nobody noticed. Nobody cared. It was a sad rainy Tuesday and nobody seemed to be in the mood to work. Everybody was tired and sleepy. Nobody saw the attack coming. At first, I thought it was thunder outside my window. I was completely wrong. You were the first on the scene. You knew what to do as if this happened many times before. Why didn't I sense this coming? Hyper Intuition, my ass.
There were many threats before, but we never took them seriously. They were a small rival group. They were nothing. But, on that day they proved they were something more than we thought. They proved they were an army with no remorse. They came quick and attacked us like we knew ahead of time. I'll never forget the solemn expression on your face as you told me to take safety. I smiled and properly refused.
"I have every bit of right to protect and fight alongside you."
Those were my words. It gave strength to everybody in the room, but for you it brought worry. I should have listened to you. The image of flames burning everything I love will forever smolder in my head. The image of everybody fighting for the sake of survival will forever sicken me. As a family we haven't fought together since the battles for the rings. That was almost ten years ago when we are all children. Now, we're men. We could have handled this, but it was too much for us. Everybody got hurt. Even I was hurt but it was nothing compared to you. I always felt that this was my fault. I noticed the signs but never took notice. It could have been prevented.
That was the day I lost hope in life.
I can close my eyes and see you there, lying in the courtyard. Lifeless. I didn't want to believe it till, well, I could see you weren't in the same world as me. Uri was there. She was protecting you when you couldn't. She growled at me the second I came close to you. I deserved that. She didn't want me near you because she knew that I was the reason why you were bleeding to death on the ground. Uri was hurt just as much as you were. She fell to the ground when she couldn't hold up her own weight anymore. Natsu couldn't run fast enough to the adult leopard. Her flames were dying out. She too, looked lifeless. Natsu tried so hard to lick her wounds and comfort her. His efforts were in vain.
I, on the other hand couldn't move.
I was dead were I stood. I had no idea what was wrong with me. I wanted to know if you were alive yet I was afraid if I went over to where you were, I would find you dead. I couldn't keep that image of your lifeless face in my head. I couldn't. Natsu cried out as Uri turned into nothing but faded red flames and returned back to her box. I wanted to cry out as well. I wanted to cry out your name. I walked over to you finally. I wanted you to look to me. I wanted you to tell me you were fine. I wanted to see you alive, breathing, being the person who you are. I wanted you all over again.
"It would be sheer happiness to live, to die for the sole purpose of protecting you..."
"I love you Tsuna…"
"I promise to be yours forever. I promise to by your side till I can't no more."
"You're too sweet, Tsuna…"
"Trust me. I'm the lucky one to have you."
"Te amo means I love you in Italian. I'll say it when I don't have the strength to actual say 'I love you' which is pretty pitiful of me…"
"I'm pretty sure Uri's a girl. I mean, Natsu really likes her…ah hell who cares, all I know they represents us but in a much cuter form."
"I'm sorry for everything I didn't do…"
"Tenth, I don't see how my hot chocolate is the best. It's just powder and boiling water."
"Tsuna if we take any more pictures, we're probably going to have three albums fill with photos of us just kissing."
"No. I'm not doing it. No. I'm not going to kiss you in the rain. Tsuna. Please don't give me those eyes…come here….."
Your voice and so many memories of us played in my head that eventually I couldn't take it.
I cried. I cried holding you. I couldn't lose you.
I really couldn't.
I remembered the day I traveled to the future and saw the older you. I thought I was going to prevent this from happening. I didn't hold up that side of the promise. I'm such a liar. That is how I lost hope in life because I knew I couldn't live without you. I knew I couldn't. You were more than the reason to get up in the morning. You were more than the reason to take the next breath. You, alone, are the meaning to my life.
Everything after that moment had no significance to me. I was a zombie. I was there but not truly there. I stayed outside the emergency room for hours. I sat there as someone else took care of my wounds. I sat there alone with Natsu sleeping on my lap. I sat there when night turned to day. I sat there when morning turned into midday till finally someone came to me and told me your current condition.
"It's better than the actual death…"
Those were the words that were meant to make feel better. A coma is better than the actual death? No, it's not. It's like a fake death. You're dead on the outside but kept alive by machines on the inside. Why didn't I feel happy? Why didn't I feel at least some remorse? They told to go home. How could I? You weren't the only one that was hospitalized. Yamamoto, Ryohei and even Lambo were hurt. That's four family members. I can't go home and sleep that off. I can't go home and continue daily life like those four were never even hurt. I can't do that. That's not me.
Yet, I went home anyway.
It was dark and cold without you. It was the middle of the day but it was dark inside my heart. The apartment was lively and full of love when we were in it together. Now that you won't be back for God-knows-how-long, it seems dead and dark. I stood up against the door for hours. I didn't want to enter such a place. Alone. Without you. Natsu pushed me forward.
I walked into our bedroom. I opened the door and anger consumed me. I was angry at myself. I was angry at the world because it took you away from me. I wanted you back, but I couldn't have you no matter how much I cried. I felt like a child ripped away from his favorite toy. I ran to the closet and pulled out all of your clothes. I threw them to the bed as I was crying. Sweaters, shirts, dress shirts, pants, anything. I threw them all.
It was an act out of desperation. It was childish and immature. It was wrong and stupid.
I hugged an armful of your clothes to my chest. I lay in the cold empty bed surrounded by your scent. Nicotine, cologne, and a hint of me were on the clothes. It was enough to rock to me sleep. It was enough to numb the pain and sorrow. First time in ten years I went to sleep alone. It was strange and cold waking up without you staring at me like you use to. I closed my eyes again and faded back to sleep. I was determined to wake up with you there beside me.
I remember the day I was saved from the dark hole of regret.
I think I spent a week sleeping off life. I'm not sure, but that's what he told me. I'm not sure if that's true but he's my best friend and I trust him. He was the only friend I could relate to. He was once no good like me. He too, found it hard to believe that he would become a boss of a family, like me. But together we did anyway. Enma was just like me. Small short, no good but most of all, my most trusted friend.
"I feel like I'm inside a cave. Let's open these up." Enma said smiling as he opened up the curtains. The sunlight beamed in and I covered the blanket over my head. No. I'm still not over the fact that you're not here with me. I wanted you back Gokudera. I wanted to sleep till I wake up with you beside me because that's the point of living.
"Tsuna-kun, I think you had enough time sleeping." He sounded closer.
Ugh! Why can't I be left alone? It was quiet for a while that it gave me time to close my eyes and slowly rock back to sleep. That's all I wanted to do. I wanted to sleep away the pain and loneliness. I wanted to wake up and find you there sleeping with me. That's all I'm asking. It was quite horrible of me as the Tenth of Vongola to just drop everything because the love of his only life is probably going to die in hospital bed. How rude of me.
"Tsuna-kun, I think it's time for you to stop this little pity thing you're doing." Enma said as he pulled the blanket off. I groaned and crunched up into a ball.
"I honestly have no idea or can imagine how you're feeling but-"
"That's exactly it!" I sat up and shouted at the top of my lungs. I guess I snapped because I was angry at the fact that it takes a week for somebody to notice my breakdown or it could have been that he took my blanket and I was freezing my ass off.
"You don't know crap about how I feel! You have no idea how the hell it feels to lose something more precious than dear life itself! Don't come to me trying to comfort me! I don't want your pity! I want him back! I want Hayato Gokudera back! I can't live without him and you can't even comprehend what I'm saying because you never experience love like I have! So no! Don't try to imagine because you can't!"
Enma slapped me after that.
It hurt badly.
It wasn't like in dramas where the person just looks back at the person who slapped them with a surprised expression. That slap was so hard that it knocked me back into my pillows. Enma left without a word and I just lay there. I didn't cry if that's what you're wondering. For a while, I thought to myself that what I said was a little bit mean and I probably should apologize. I knew I wouldn't have the guts to tell him when Enma showed up the following day.
He brought me some of my work that I needed to look over and sign. I told Enma I never wanted to leave this room. He said he understand and continue to visit me. At that time I didn't understand why but since then he's been coming over a lot and I kind of enjoyed the company. Natsu enjoyed it even more than I did. We sat together and talked about our family and other stuff. We would watch old black and white movies together in the bedroom.
It was fun. I laughed and smiled every time I was with Enma. His smiled and laugh which made my stomach turned happily. I forgot how such emotions felt. It felt good, like I was human again and not a zombie. I finally had the guts to thank Enma for everything he's done. I think I spot a blush on Enma's face when I said it. Maybe because I said it randomly during the middle of the movie when the couple were going to kiss.
That was the day I was saved from the dark black hole of regret, to be precise. Enma saved me.
Time traveled quickly before my eyes. I celebrated Gokudera's birthday without him and with Enma. Which ended badly because I started to cry when I realized I was spending Gokudera's birthday without him. That's something that should never happen. The feeling of sorrow and pain of not having Gokudera here resurfaced. I wanted to rip my hair out and cry tears of blood.
My birthday came next. I spent it with Enma. It was fun. I think. I don't remember because I use my birthday as an excuse to get drunk. Enma wasn't happy with the fact that I drank so much. He had some too but not enough to slur his words like I was. Thank god I was drunk for a short amount of time. Enma said I knocked out like a rock dropped into a pond.
One day out of the blue, Enma said I should pay Gokudera a visit. Tears fell out of my eyes the moment I heard his name. I don't why I started crying. I haven't gotten the slightly idea. Maybe because I forgotten all about him and my heart felt guilty that I did. Enma hugged me tight and repeated outside my ear that he was sorry. He thought he made my cry when in fact it was just me being emotional. When I finally stopped I smiled to Enma and told him it wasn't his fault.
Enma smiled back at me. My smile grew bigger. We laughed together. We laughed really loud like we meant it. When it was over, we smiled together again.
We kissed after that innocent and gentle smile.
To be honest, I really liked it. In fact I enjoyed it too well. I fell back on the bed and felt Enma's body up against mine. It felt amazing to be touched and kissed by somebody. Our body's rubbed and rubbed till I felt like my body was on fire. Our tongues explored each other's mouths till I couldn't breathe. There was no control or time to think. Our clothes came off. Our bare skin felt one another. It was amazing. The sex was amazing.
The next morning I woke up in Enma's naked arms in Gokudera's bed. In Gokudera's room. In Gokudera's apartment. I wanted to barf up my guts. I wanted to kick myself. I wanted to die. What have I done?
I managed to sneak away from Enma and ran away from the scene of the crime. There was nowhere I could go but to you. I went to Gokudera. I haven't seen him since the rainy day in the courtyard. When I walked through the door and saw you sleeping. I felt a chill of guilt. Why in this moment I felt home? I took a seat next to the bed and reached for your hand. It was warm.
You were alive.
I closed my eyes and tears fell down. There was no forgiveness for what I did.
"I don't deserve somebody perfect like you Hayato…" I said softly to you. "I always thought we were perfect together. Now I know I was wrong. You were perfect. You did everything right while I did everything wrong. You put me first. You loved me. You're loyal. You're my savior. I never even thank you for saving me on the beach back ten years ago! I took your for granted!"
I began to cry.
"Why can't I be like you…?"
I began to rub my tears away with the sleeve of my shirt like a five year old.
"Why can't I make the same sacrifices like you do for me…?"
I whimpered and buried my weeping face into my hands.
"Why can't I start over to the beginning?"
I cried out. A loud and gasping cry of pain.
"Please Hayato! Forgive me but I didn't have the will power to keep my promise!"
I couldn't stop crying. I sat in the seat and wished you wake up because I don't think I have the strength to say it again. I wanted to die. I really did. I wanted to experience a painful and tormented death because that is the punishment of what did to such an amazing lover like Gokudera. My eyes burned with pain from crying but I didn't stop.
I, out of my painful sorrow, lay down next to you on the hospital bed. I lay my head on your shoulder and watched as you take in air and breathe it out. You are alive and unaware of the actions of have done. You are perfect and unaware of the imperfections of myself. You are alive and well while I'm dying of my faults and sins.
I do not deserve you. I am not lucky to have you. I am utterly indebted to destiny to have you. I fell asleep next to you. I went to sleep with tears wetting the edge of my eyes. I know when you wake I will tell you every detail. I will not lie and I will lose you. You will fall out of love with me. I know you too well Hayato. I know you.
All I ever wanted was to have you and have a perfect life. I wanted to keep my promise. I wanted to make you happy till we die together. I wanted us to be happy. I wanted to change the future. I wanted to drink hot chocolate with you every morning till I gain diabetes. Not a single one of those came true
In those three months, all I ever wanted was to wake up and find you watching me sleep because I found that romantic.
"Good morning, Tsuna…" You greeted me that morning with a warming, loving smile.
Oh karma. It's nice to know you still work.
A/N: Well, it's over. It's been fun. You know I won't lie. I cried finishing the end. It might have to do with the fact that I was listening to Mahou no Te by Len Kagamine.
Please make me happy and review! It's not that hard! TwT