Lemons! Do not read if you're offended by sex or descriptions of intercourse.
A/N: This is a chapter from a story that I am writing that is rated T. I've revamped the chapter for more mature audiences. Visit my profile if you're interested the entire story.
Background: This is post Breaking Dawn: Serenity is Rosalie and Emmett's daughter- Emmett's biological daughter from a surrogate. She has just experienced the loss of her first boyfriend. Embry was her first love, and this is their chance to rekindle this. Although he hasn't imprinted… Just be warned! LOL
Vacant suction within my being
Furious entity apart from myself lashing at anyone who came near
Nightmares for hours
Life still continues. Loss changes you forever, but this planet was set in motion, and that momentum carries it and those who inhabit it forward unceasingly. Life looks neither to the right or left and certainly not backward. It's a curse when you need to wrap yourself in the pain and not move, but as you start to look around and realize that the days still come and go and the moon continues its course across the nighttime sky, this passage of time drags you along until your innermost need to belong with the living, despite that your entire heart wishes to remain with the dead, propels you to move once more- even if your new life is a shadow of what it once seemed.
Eleven Weeks Earlier
Alice and Jasper took me back to the house. The police arrived after a few minutes. Alice's perfect French accent incurred no doubt that she and her boyfriend were simply driving through the country when they happened upon a terrible scene.
There were wild dogs that were chased off by our car. Yes, it was so unusual. We don't ever remember anything as horrible as this. She was hysterical in a tree. It looked like the man had tried to fight the dogs with a branch. He fell backwards—over the roots of the tree. The branch must have torn his throat. Yes, it was a dreadful accident. She hasn't spoken since. We think she's in shock. No, we don't know her name. We'll take her to the nearest hospital and stay with her there. Of course we'll be available if you need to contact us.
This was my experience for weeks; conversations between everyone were half-spoken and referring to me in the third person. I had lost the ability to converse in anything more than single syllables. I blamed myself because there was nobody else to blame. I couldn't be angry at anyone, not even the vamp who took Evan's life blood.
I also couldn't continue the life I had worked so hard to create.
I couldn't talk to Darcie. I refused to attend class. I was unable to tolerate the familiar settings that reminded me of the boy that I loved. Every spot where Evan and I had spent the smallest measurement of time became landmarks of memories that tore open my heart.
In short, I had to leave my feeble attempt at fitting into the human world; without Evan it was too painful. I returned home to New Hampshire, and drifted through the next three weeks in a daze. The scenery changed but not much. Some days I spent in my room. Others I spent in that little alcove where I had enjoyed a spring afternoon with Embry so long ago. There were days that found me sitting in the kitchen unable to move from my window seat. Most mornings, afternoons, and evenings saw me staring at the TV, staring but not seeing anything. It became a habit to flip through the channels while my mind re-enacted my favorite memories of the last 6 months. It was the only consolation that I permitted myself.
My family hovered, but they couldn't help. They tried. How they tried, but except for Esme, none of them could really understand my pain. Human death was common; they were all so fragile.
Bella usually took "Serenity Duty" and sat holding my hand, or, at times, she would lie beside me. She turned out to be wonderful. She let me be. She didn't ask questions. She respected my need to be left alone even if no one else in the house believed that was ok. Best of all, she didn't tell me how everything would work out one day. She didn't try to convince me that it was for the best. Maybe she was doing for me as she would want her family to reciprocate when the time came. Unlike the rest of us, Bella was still connected to the human world with very real ties that one day would sever.
If Bella was the most tolerable, Edward was the worst. He had to explain what everyone else was thinking. He tried so desperately to understand me and to figure out how I was feeling and what I needed.
But, honestly, he really sucked at figuring out people without using the mindreading ability.
I let him talk. Sometimes it was interesting. It did provide moments of downtime for my brain. If I listened, at least I didn't think. But mostly it was annoying as hell being told how worried everyone was and how sorry they were that this happened. I had already figured that one out by myself.
Embry came by during one of these episodes. This particular day I woke at dawn but refused to move. I missed breakfast and lunch. Mom and Dad both sat in my room, Mom stroking my hair, Dad looking out the window. Embry had remained in our New Hampshire home when he realized that I was coming home permanently. He gave me more space than I thought him capable of, but that was about to come to an end.
He appeared at my bedroom door uninvited.
"Do you care if I talk to her?"
I could imagine every response going through Mom and Dad's minds, but they must have been at the end of their ropes because they left without a single complaint or warning.
My eyes followed him as he moved around my room. It was the most movement that I had engaged in all day. He pulled open a few drawers, opened my closet, and shifted through items that I had left about.
"So, you've been avoiding me," stated matter-of-factly.
I didn't know what he was talking about.
"I've been around purposely trying to be in the same area with you for weeks, but every time I get in your line of sight, you leave and hide in here. Is it a conscious effort or subconscious?"
I stared at him. I didn't know what he wanted me to say.
He rolled his eyes. "Come on Serenity, say something. How about, 'Oh, Embry, I'm so glad you came back. I've missed you.' That would work for me."
I had no emotion to impart, but I gave him what I could. "Oh, Embry, I'm so glad you came back. I've missed you."
He flopped down on my bed. "Oh, thank God. I was wondering if you had totally forgotten about me. I kept thinking, if I had only put out for you, if I hadn't been so pedantic, you'd still want me."
I'm sorry. I know I just experienced a devastating loss, but I had to smile. And I immediately felt guilty and wiped the smile from my face.
"Stop doing that!" Embry commanded. "You are still allowed to smile. You're allowed to laugh; you can go out and do something. You can take advantage of old flames." He got right into my face. "You can still live, Serenity. Let's go out and get something to eat. Let's drive around and pretend that we're going to eat. Hell, let's lie to everyone and go sit in the park for a couple of hours. You can mope there as easily as here."
I shook my head; I didn't want to. He was wrong. How could I live, when he couldn't?
"Embry," I whispered. How do you tell someone you used to be so close to that you weren't the same anymore? That you had changed and that they wouldn't like the new person you'd become. My tongue stuck in the back of my throat, and I couldn't form the words.
"I, just, I can't talk about it. I don't want to."
"Good, because I don't want to hear all the details of what you and that guy did together." He paused and looked reflectively to the ceiling. "I wanted your first time to be with me, and I missed it."
That made me move. I shot up into a sitting position, and Embry even jumped up from the shock of sudden movement.
"You know?" I hissed.
"Hello! Freaky psychic vamp down there who sees everything. She and I had a very long and private conversation on the flight home." He leaned away from me and propped himself on the back of my bed's headboard. "Do you have any idea how many decisions a guy makes during a, how do I put this tactfully?" He looked up at the ceiling and took a deep breath and let it out in a huff. "Awe, screw tact. Guys make like a hundred decisions when they're trying to get in a girl. And Alice actually likes the play by plays she gets. I mean, she's on some ramped up AM frequency; it's real-time voyeurism." He shook his head in condemnation. "She's got some serious issues." Alice could be heard hissing from just below us mixed in with Bella's giggling.
"Do my parents? Are they here?" I strained to hear their body movements. I could only pray that they left, and I didn't realize.
"Oh, yah, they know." He chuckled to himself. "I mean, they didn't know 3 minutes ago, but they do now. The fact that they haven't busted down the door means someone has a tight grip on them."
All I could think of was Oh, crap. Crap and fans.
"Alice saw everything?"
"The girl should be forced to walk around with a parental warning stamped on her shirts. Thank God she can't see my decisions. If she could," he let out a long whistle, "she'd have to have NC-17 carved between her eyes."
I actually laughed. I had changed, but Embry hadn't. Still the same one-track-mind and hilarious perspective on life.
He was practically begging me, "Let's get out of here, Serenity. Come on. You don't have to shut yourself away for eternity. I'm starving. If you buy me dinner, I'll do anything you want me to do later." He grinned wickedly. "Show me some of your worldly experience. Heck, even I haven't gone international."
I rolled my eyes this time. "I don't know."
"Yes, you do. You've already decided. Hey, I'll help you get dressed! I know I saw some black lacey underwear in here somewhere."
At this the door burst open and shot across the room barely missing Embry on its projectile path. It thudded into the wall, and I could catch the scent of New Hampshire's late spring sneak into my room from the splintered wood. My dad stood seething in the entrance.
He never unclenched his teeth. "If you're going to go eat, then go out and eat. And Stay. In. Public. Alice!" he roared.
"Good grief, Emmett, you don't have to yell; I'm right here." And the voice walked in carrying a pile of new clothing twice as tall as Alice herself. "Dress up!" she sang. "Rosalie, Bella, come help! Serenity's out of her funk!"
What could I do?
I did what anyone in my position would do. I took it day by day. Everyone in the house was so relieved at the end of my catatonic state that Embry was almost revered. My parents didn't like the idea of he and I together, even as friends, but the alternative was not an option.
We went to movies. We ate out. We drove all over the northeast corner of the U.S. He let me talk; he let me brood. In short, he let me do whatever I felt like doing- no questions asked, no expectations expected.
It was June 21th. The weather was turning hot which didn't bother me. What did bother me was that it had been eleven weeks since the accident. For some unexplainable reason, the fact that summer was here ticked me off. I woke up angry that I was warm. It infuriated me that Alice took the shirt I wanted to wear and probably donated it. Dad was wrestling with Jasper outside, and the actuality that they were enjoying themselves created a fury in me. There was nothing to eat, so I cooked eggs even though I'd rather had cereal. I slammed pans in the kitchen gleaning a few raised eyebrows from the undead. Everyone was tip toeing around me as if I were surrounded by broken glass.
I was turning into my mother.
That thought left me cold, which, with a 103 degree average body temperature, was remarkable. I slammed the last pan in the sink and stalked out the door.
Embry was at my side before I left the property wearing nothing but a ragged set of shorts. He had evidently been on wolf duty just moments ago.
"What's the matter with you?"
"Nothing." I answered tersely.
"Geez, I don't play that game, Serenity. What's the problem?"
"Nothing." I echoed.
He grabbed my arm. I yanked back with my vampire strength nearly pulling his arm out of joint.
"Don't touch me."
"Look, if this is some Dr. Jekyll moment, I come back. If it's not, then Talk. To. Me."
"I'm having a bad day, okay? That's it. Just give me some space, Embry."
"You've got the whole forest. Space issue solved. Who are you mad at? What'd I miss?"
"Oh, great, progress." His sarcasm was even getting on my nerves.
"I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to be around anyone. I just want to be left alone."
He followed me for the better part of two miles.
"I'm not leaving you alone. Who knows what you'd do; you're acting crazy."
"You had no problem leaving me alone last time. I don't know what your holdup is now." I kept on walking.
"This is about me?"
I turned to face him, to actually get in his face. Every step I took towards him meant one step he retreated. "It wasn't, but we can make it about you. Maybe if you hadn't left, I wouldn't have gone to Europe. Maybe if you had gone with me like you were supposed to, none of this would have happened. Maybe this is your fault."
He held his ground now. "Maybe it is, but I can't fix any of that. Is this your new stage of grief? First it was 3 weeks of silence, then it was 2 months of moping. You need 1 more month of being pissed off?"
I actually shoved him. He flew at least 25 feet backward into the trees and hit the ground effortlessly. "What do you know about what I need? Have you ever lost anyone? Do you have any idea what it feels like? No. You don't. So shut up and get away from me."
He looked stunned and then anger washed over him in waves. I could see his body start to shudder slightly. It was never a good idea to make a shape-shifter angry, especially when they sprouted razor-sharp teeth. He grabbed my arm with equal force pulling me back towards him. I twisted away, but he had a tight grip around my waist. He pulled me into his space and removed my option of walking away.
"Hell yah, I know what it feels like to lose someone. I lost you. I know that it was my fault, but I couldn't see any way around it at the time. You went off, met someone, and fell in love when you were supposed to be in love with me. It didn't take you long or didn't you notice?"
I yanked my arm out of his grip and responded with equal sarcasm. "I'm so sure you've been waiting for me this whole time," I drawled out. "So I'm supposed to pine away for you while you're here chasing whatever suits you at the moment? How many…"
He crushed his mouth against mine and wrapped his hand around the back of my head holding me to him. As if it was necessary. I attacked him with equal force and desire. I was still horribly insecure about sex in general, but at the moment my brain cells ceased to fire their synapses because the fire was traveling all over my body. It exploded just below my naval and shot up and down the highways of nerves that spread out over every surface and touched every cell in my body.
Embry was strong. I could feel it in the way he grabbed my waist and pulled my body against his already fully ready member. He pressed into me while deepening the intensity of his kiss. I opened myself to him grasping his warm back and scraping my fingers up and down and diagonally—whichever pulled him closer to me. I was not made of glass and the need to be soft and careful with humans wasn't a thought for me then. It was mirrored in Embry's actions as well. A normal human would have been broken at this point.
He pulled away from my chest just enough to move his fingers to the bottom edge of my shirt. He pulled it off over my head and attacked my mouth once more. He moved one hand back into my hair to twist my head to the side and expose my neck to his lips. He pressed in just below my ear sucking and moaning so softly when he inhaled the scent of my shampoo mixed with my desire whetting the passage to my core that was beginning to drift in the breeze.
Once again space developed between us. I traced the lines on his chest wanting to memorize the feel. He seldom wore a shirt, but I had never taken the time to touch him and actually appreciate the way his muscles rippled under his deeply tanned skin. As he moved his own hands to my waist and just below the edge of my jeans, his eyes noted the fullness of my breasts as they spilled out of the lacy bra that I wore. Every shuddering breath he took forced his chest to undulate, and I gloried in this beauty of his body. Both of my hands traced his abs and brushed up the sides of his torso. I leaned in to kiss his chest. Oddly enough, I didn't consider if he was enjoying my touch or not, this exploration was for my benefit—for my ability to grow as the sexual being that I was becoming.
I'd loved him once. I cared very much for him still. He had been my sanity for the last few weeks. It was one of the reasons that I knew I could rage at him, because he would forgive me for it.
"Serenity." His voice shook from his own need.
"I don't want to talk."
"What do you want…"
"Surely, you can figure that out," and I launched myself into him pulling his mouth onto mine.
His self-control evaporated and with a renewed sense of desire he pulled at the jean shorts that I had worn this morning. He leaned into me until I fell backward, but I didn't hit the ground. He had one arm supporting me and the other supporting us. He placed my body on the ground sweeping under me as I reclined to remove any rocks or branches that might be noticeable to my nearly indestructible form. My shorts disappeared and for a moment I felt that unease of being vulnerable to another being. His eyes were burning for me, and my own fire consumed those few vestiges of awkwardness that existed. I sat up and pulled his shorts off of his body with no grace at all.
I should have known that wolves don't bother with underwear.
He was beautiful. I was in awe that the male form could hold so much magnificence. There was lust in every part of my expression as I touched him, and he rolled his eyes and moaned. I rose up on my knees while pulling him down to his. We were almost face to face. I unclasped my bra as he pulled it away from my body and discarded it. He supported the lower part of my back as he leaned me backward arching my chest towards his face. I wound my fingers through his dark hair and pulled his mouth to my breast. He took my nipple in his mouth pulling at it with his lips and sucking it. I felt each tug on my nipple straight through my body and in my most private regions.
My hands moved on their own volition to grasp his hardness and pulled him closer to my entrance. He was huge. I had no idea how men and women fit together so well when we seemed so tiny and they, well, Embry at least, wasn't. Even though I was no longer a virgin, I felt that this would be a little different from my past experiences and that it would hurt to some degree. Embry was just so strong. Every part of his body exuded strength and virility.
He knew this. Of course. He laid me back on the ground ordering me silently to stay still. I didn't argue.
He continued to kiss both nipples in turn loving each of them as if they were their own special part of me and would be angry if either were pampered any more than the other. I simultaneously relaxed and tensed as his fingers traced little patterns down my stomach. He would lean down and bite at specific points on my body- just under my left breast, below my naval, on the pelvic bone that protruded so subtly, and so very close to where my entire body was throbbing. He moved back to my neck, his mouth hot, and I redirected him to my chest where he teased my nipples until they hardened and his teeth swept over them so slightly that I cried out in pleasure.
All the while, his fingers glided to my opening and brushed through the dark curls that concealed the heat that was radiating from me. Embry leaned up to where he could see me, and he looked into my eyes for a very long time. I kept thinking that I should be doing something, that he was expecting something.
He got what he was looking for.
His fingertips rubbed against my clitoris so slightly, and my entire body jolted as if lightning had struck me. My eyes flew open and my jaw dropped to allow my surprised exclamation to leap out of my mouth.
I had never been touched like this.
He circled me with his finger and dipped occasionally into my wetness. I couldn't think or hardly breathe. Air cycled in and out, but my brain couldn't process a single thought. My entire body simply felt. Physical sensations made their way to my brain in waves of pleasure, and they grew into near ecstasy as Embry's manipulation caused my body to arch as the building desire matured and hovered for an unmeasureable amount of time. Embry sensed my heightened state and paused in his ministrations then leaned in to kiss me once more.
I fell over the edge.
Moans burst out of me as my body contracted again and again. Embry didn't pause for a moment; he slid inside of me with moderate effort, stretching me to fit his size. What might have been painful at any other time was overshadowed by the bliss of my orgasm which was stronger than any I had felt before. The waves had barely ceased when Embry was moving rhythmically inside of me, his breath on my neck. I pressed against his chest for leverage as I lifted my hips to meet his. The building increased once more and each time he pressed into my depths, I gasped and cried out. Embry groaned, and I knew he reached the same starry dais that I had been dancing on for the last several minutes.
I had officially shocked myself back into reality.
A/N: Please review!
A/N: Please review!