the first star i see
may not be a star.

The first time she sees Cam Fisher, she can almost cry.

He's beautiful, with his endearing smile and his messy tufts of hair and his all-too-easy smile, and she wants to find out his name so she flips her hair and smiles at him, and it almost works until she realizes she's smiling at nothing but shadows.

She's never alone, always with Alicia fingering her sweater and asking where she's bought it, always with a crowd of people watching what she'll buy for lunch, always the one has to lead the pep rally whenever soccer season comes 'round. She'll never admit it but she's tired, her smile isn't what it used to be and she can't think properly with all the chatter around her. She's doing a back hand flip while the Socc-Hers are chanting something cute she made up at the last minute, and she searches the crowd for him and wishes she could be where he was,

lost.

The first time she spots Cam Fisher again, she's in Ethics class and desperately trying to remember what the teacher's been saying for the last fifteen minutes. She can't find her pen and she's worried Ms Keene's going to call her out and ask about Darwinists and she can't even spell Darwinists and then suddenly there he is, with his beautiful handwriting and flawless spelling and she wants to talk to him but she's too fixated on his hands so when he sees her looking the first thing that comes to mind is "Can I borrow?", and that was that.

She can't find him when the bell rings but manages to catch up to him right outside the door, and she's scared he's going to disappear again so her voice cracks when she calls his name, but he turns around to accept his pen. His hand feels rough and warm and real, and she doesn't know why she wants him as her partner for English, but she does.

She's a force to be reckoned with, while Cam disappears into the background so easily with his messy tufts of hair and his all-too-easy smile, but that's okay, because sometimes Massie reaches a hand out to join him. She's a huge fucking mess, not a star, but Cam Fisher lets her shine just like one.

She wants to resent it, because truth be told she's so tired of being the one everyone smiles for and being the one who smiles for everyone but when Cam's around the world dims and everything's okay and the sun stops burning right through her closed eyelids.

The first time Cam Fisher kisses her, she realizes it's not him, but Derrington.

She doesn't really mind, because it's not like she likes Cam or anything, but Derrick kisses like a frog and he has horrible handwriting and he's the loudest among all her friends, but he's always there and he never leaves her wondering if he'll show up the next day.

The first time Cam Fisher touches her, she shivers.

It's a hot sweltering scorching day in a surprisingly cold frigid glacial month and she's wearing Uggs because the weatherman said it might snow today, and yet she still shivers when Cameron's fingers brush against the back of the neck when he's reaching out for the pamphlet Mr Dickman is handing them on Oligochaetas. He apologizes and withdraws his hand and she has the stranges urge to pull it back out of his pocket, put it against hand, her face, her heart, tell him No don't it's alright I don't care please stay but all she can manage is a smile and a "Your skill needs refining, pardner.", and that was that.

When she turns out the light and rolls into the darkness of her covers, she touches that one spot on her neck and when she wakes up she's still touching it.

The first time Cam Fisher sees her cry, she freaks out.

He's not saying anything, he's just standing there with his hands in his pockets, and then he's touching her arm and telling her it's going to be okay trust me and she wants to scream at him and tell him No it's not going to be alright I don't want your stupid hand I want you to fuggin kiss me but all that comes out is deranged, disjointed words.

When Cam still stands there with that lost look on his face she wants to tell him that it's okay, but all that comes out is "D-Derrington is a… Gotta call him… Omygod what is happ—I gotta call him" to tell him what a dick he was but Cam's suddenly grabbing her arms and making her sit down but can't he see, what the hell is he doing, I don't want to sit down I want to slug the guy with my right hook and she says "I need to go see him!" and then suddenly he's yelling at her and telling her she's stupid and needy and revealing all sorts of skeletons she tries to keep buried deep in the depths of her walk-in-closet.

And then he leaves.

The last time she sees Cam Fisher, the whole hallway seems to slow down and nobody's talking and nobody's laughing and it's so quiet she closes her eyes but even in the darkness he still burned so brightly.

fin

i'd really like to hear your take on this, if you don't mind D:

so i'm pretty much in love with juin and madabee for reviewing, so this one's for you. i miss all of you - you know who you are - and i reeeeally hope we can have one of our cracked out gmail chats again. and a shameless plug because i just can, my friend raine is amazing. if you guys haven't read the awesomeness that is -rainbow-lights., you wouldn't understand, but if you have, you still wouldn't be able to understand cause you'd be writhing on the floor in envy of her writing skillz.

so ya

well, that's that. thanks for sticking it out this long.

bai guise.