Last Man Standing - "Ganya's Letter"


(Listen along to the demo.)

All that time if I should have begged, should have crawled to you my 3-rouble note, crawled on all fours, all the way out to the Vassilyevsky district, where you live, and kissed your hand with my bleeding lips then washed it with my tears, and said I was entirely yours, your face would have clouded over with fear and concern and I simply wouldn't have had a chance! And now that I've moved on and I can see you as ordinary and hard-hearted as you do, I also cannot break my loneliness with the breaking of your bread, since I no longer see in you the hope of my salvation. I was going to say the choice is between humiliation and loneliness, but with the way we are it looks like I can't win - even if you threw a voucher for a night of your melted yeses in such an accessible place as a public fire, I could not reach my hand in to get it - and by refraining from my true lust for validation, I am only angling for it from another angle, form my general reputation, in the world and with myself. What I have finally accepted is that this impossibility of situation was inherent in all my desire for you. From the moment I decided, to the moment I let go. Have this card, this is my loneliness card, it has my signature. No, you haven't officially given me yours. Perhaps I stole it out of your room, off your dresser. Perhaps I need your autograph. Let's be lonely on the sides facing each other. You can't drag me through the mud anymore, I've taken that power back, which you did not even realize you had; now I alone will drag me through the mud. I, all alone, will drag me through the mud.

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