Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, or the reference to "You Be the Anchor That Keeps My Feet on the Ground, I'll the Wings That Keep Your Heart in the Clouds" by Mayday Parade a few paragraphs in.
A/N: This has been rated for a choice word that begins with "F"…and I'm sorry for not updating like I should have. DX And when I do, I bring much angst into your life in a slightly OOC Inuyasha's POV… So, I apologize for that as well. o.o "How to Lose" and "Red" will both be updated soon, and a few other one-shots, too, as an apology gift. ^.^ Hope you enjoy it, anyways, though. ;P
If She Comes
First off, let me just say I love her.
I don't mean I'm infatuated with her, that we've kissed a few times and already she's my ideal woman, or I feel like she's the best person in the world, either. She is, but that isn't my point.
I love her.
Like, real love. There will be no one else but her in my life; I won't allow it, can't stand for it. She completes me, fills in whatever empty caverns my mother left, her warmth melting away any ice around my heart and making said heart swell with so many emotions, I feel as if I'm about to burst with happiness just by having evidence that I'm alive.
I'm in love.
She's my oasis in the Sahara, my fire within a blizzard, my last hope for survival within this cruel world. The thread that ties my seams together, the anchor that keeps my feet on the ground, the wings that keep my heart in the clouds, the ribbon that holds me together when all I should do is fall apart.
I love her, my Kagome.
The most amazing part, though, was that Kagome loved me back.
And I fucked it all up.
I drained the oasis, extinguished the fire, cut the thread, threw the anchor, clipped the wings, and tore the ribbon.
I broke her heart.
I didn't mean to, I really didn't. I've only wanted nothing but her happiness, to see her smile and laugh and live and have everything she ever should. I always thought that happiness could be found with me, that I could satisfy her needs, fill in whatever caverns she had, be everything she was to me.
I'm a fool.
I was rubbing my face, probably turning it red, while she was dead silent at the other side of the room. The distance was the beginning of my breaking, the reason tears pricked at my eyes.
"K-Kagome…" Her name still tickled my tongue, but to her, it was like a burn. It had to be, the way her eyes snapped to me and her lips stiffened. I cowered inside of myself, resorting to my old ways, my only source of comfort now only staring at me, lips unmoving, voice unstirred—
The manila folder just sat there, laughing at me, and suddenly, the cheap ring on my finger felt like a lead weight begging me to stop wearing it, stop belittling it, as it screamed at me for existing, for breaking her hopes and dreams and heart, everything she wanted and ever needed.
"…one out of a million chance…," the doctor had droned. "…barely any hope…many other options you can take…counseling, sure to work out…a cross between species is likely
I'm a goner.
A biological mistake, an outcast, unwanted thing that should've never existed in the first place, much less ever been loved by someone.
I'm such a fool for wanting happiness.
And now I wait, hoping she'll find me, that she'll come and fix the gaping hole I just made in her picture-perfect future with a great career, perfect husband, and awesome kids. With something like this, I can't help with the latter two.
I'm hopeless, lost, and worthless. I'll never be enough for her.
That's why I ran as that doctor went on and on during our dual appointment. I ran far, far away from that hospital to the place we met, unconsciously hoping, only hoping she'd come for me, that she wouldn't stay behind and be glad to have been ridden of me. That maybe, deep down inside of her frozen body, she'd find the bit of heat that'd make her unfreeze and love me again.
I claw at my seat, a root thick and broad, and silently hold back tears.
I was so awed, so embedded into my thoughts that I hadn't heard her come until she spoke. "I guess you're taken," she said with a smile, eyes twinkling. "Everyone loves this part of the shrine. It makes them feel protected, overwhelmed, as if a thousand years of history is staring back at them. It makes you think of the future to come…"
"It's big" was all I could say, and she laughed, coming up to my side and offering me a tour of the rest of her home. I didn't want to talk about that shrine, though. I wanted to know her, her weaknesses and strengths, her wants and fears, know what I could do to make her grin again, laugh once more, chase away everything she'd grown to hate.
This tree was our witness.
And before we knew it, we'd sat down on the roots and talked and talked, even when the heavens grew dark and her mother went searching for her. I got to hold her for the first time, knew so many things but not enough about her, and before she was forced to bed, she sealed our fates, the most perfect night of my life, with a subtle kiss to my lips.
Goshinboku, who watches over us and loves us all. You love me, don't you?
She doesn't love me.
She hasn't come.
My claws stop scratching the moment my heart clenches and tears blur. I bury my face into my hands and rub it repeatedly, hoping to rid myself of the pain and shame that came from my heritage, the heartbreak soon to come when she doesn't.
My mother's dead. She was the only one I knew loved me. My brother's icy. He only brings hurt. My father's missing. He always has been. My friends are hers, my family is hers, my home is hers—everything of mine is hers because she is my everything.
Without Kagome, I have nothing.
It's been decided.
If she comes and meets me right now, my heart will swell with so much happiness, so much hope, because my soul will proclaim my love for her, no one else but her, and she'll concur and love me no matter what. If she comes and lets me hold her, I'll cry with her, suffer with her, offer my heart on a silver platter and assure her I'll do anything she wants to, anything she wants me to do, if it'll make her content again. If she comes and lets me kiss her, I'll be complete, because I can't live without her, can't see beyond the point of our love, can't imagine spending the rest of eternity alone and without her love, her kisses, her warmth, my life, my everything.
If she comes, I promise to live on. But if she doesn't come…
I'll kill myself.
Right here at Goshinboku, I will rip out my own heart as a last offering to her, to reassure her of my unwanted love before I went into the afterlife. I would take it all away, this worthless existence, if she doesn't come, and with my final breath, I'll proclaim my love for her with a promise.
My life began with Kagome. I'll make sure it ends with her as well.
The cold stings, and her warmth is still missing. It feels like days since I ran, years since I last saw her face, decades since I kissed her lips, centuries since I held her in my arms, a millennium since I felt the voids of me be filled with her love. But my watch says it's not even been an hour.
Why does time lie?
It's snowing, the flakes chalking my skin, dampening my clothes, and chapping my lips, but I barely notice past the numbing and unbearable pain of time just passing, the silent clockwork of my watch having the ability to meet my ears. Her family's gone, unaware of my waiting, and my patience is running thick while my heart falls apart, each cavity making pits at the bottom of my lungs and clogging up my throat. My tears are still pricks in my eyes, refusing to fall until she comes and sees them, sees my vulnerability, my reassurance to do anything for her, even if it'd cost me pain.
I'll be decaying away before I'm even gone at this rate.
I flick fallen snow off my claws, not bothering with the rest of myself. When the sharpened nails begin to sink into my skin, the only obstacle being my sternum and ribs, I feel no pain—only fault. I was to blame for this whole situation, for her silence and heartbreak, and as trickles of blood rush down my hands and arms, through my sleeve, I can't regret not loving her.
Despite the ache of my heart, it still beats for her.
Every part of me was made for her touch, her soul, her everything, and it's unwanted now, so I'm giving it away to the world beyond this. But I can't deny that I've only existed for her, that before I met her, I had no reason to live, and now without her, I have a reason to die.
One claw inches closer to my heart—
—and stops when a car approaches the shrine steps, a door slams, and hurried footsteps bring me face to face with—
My heart swells.
"Inuyasha," she pants, sounding relieved as a smile graces her features, before her eyes travel downward and it falls.
Feeling returns, and suddenly, I wince in pain.
She rushes to me, grabbing my wrist and alighting my soul, pulling out my claws tenderly before shouting at me for doing something so stupid, irresponsible, and—
I did it for her. Did it all for her. Why can't she see that?
She collapses against me mid-rant, carrying out sobs, and I wrap my arms around her, letting tears escape me when she doesn't push away from my filth, my mistake of being. "Kagome," I rasp, my voice dry as I cry and cry into her hair, breathing in her scent and whispering her name aridly over and over again until my voice's clasp tightens and a bowling ball lodges itself in my throat.
I kiss her, and when she lets me, I'm complete. I could die happy if she leaves the next moment.
But she came, so I'll breathe. I'll live with the thought that she doesn't love me, but at least she cared enough to come. I won't live independently or move on, though. I'll watch from the shadows, follow her everywhere as she continues living her life without me by her side, even as she loves another man like Kouga or Houjou and speaks harsh words about me.
I'll do it for her because my world revolves around her sun.
Many would call it stalking; I would call it living.
Even if she leaves me, I won't leave her. All she has to do is leave.
But she doesn't.
"I'm sorry," I breathe, basking in the way her curves fill every hollow of my form, how her lips are perfectly molded against mine, seemingly blocking the words from ever reaching her ears. This is the last time I'd ever feel so complete in my life, with her in my arms and with our lips touching. I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
But the words had reached her ears, and she pulls away to leave me behind.
I'm so, so sorry.
"You better be sorry, dog-boy," she playfully states, tapping my ear and making my lips thin at her tone. If she mocks me while she leaves, could I survive? It'd be a bittersweet memory, but she came.
That'd be enough for me.
"Leaving me like that," she continues, this time chastising me, frowning at me, and turning me confused. After meeting my eyes, she snuggles into my chest, burrows into my warmth, and murmurs, "Why'd you run off so quick? You didn't even wait to hear the rest."
She hasn't mentioned my sterility.
My fingers tremble within the wisps of her raven locks, tapping her back on accident as I relive the shame and guilt of tainting her future. I want to tell her, but can't find the words to say goodbye, to further disappoint her.
So, she continues.
"You ran off so quick," she comments, and testing the waters, I lightly drag the back of my claws on her spine, making her sigh. My heart is about to consume my entire chest, it's filled so much with my love for her. She adds again, "You missed the rest." Then she pulls away.
"You didn't run because you thought you were sterile, did you?"
I can't breathe. Not past the clenching of my heart and suffocation of my soul; the emptiness will grow when she leaves me, the pain will never cease, even as my claw indents heal. She'll be ashamed of me for running even if she doesn't love me.
Some man I am.
"Inuyasha," she whispers, hands grasping my face and sheltering me from this cruel world. It's always been my job to protect her, keep her safe, not be the vulnerable one in front of her, and yet, she's comforting me.
"You do know I'd love you in any shape, way, or form, right? I wouldn't care if you were sterile."
I love you. Her sacred message.
My breath catches and I can't help feeling the weights lift from my shoulders, her love finally reassuring me. This woman, this beautiful, fantastic woman, still loves me, even though I've ruined her future, her perfect picture of a modern family.
Tears continue blurring my vision, and my hands go numb on her back, falling to the snow, but I see again when her eyes meet mine and her thumbs wipe away the salty liquid. I distinguish her smiling so brightly, so lovingly, my insides jumble in anxiety. Why does she almost seem like she's glowing?
"The doctor said there was a one in a million chance you'd be able to reproduce and we'd have a baby," she hums, pressing her soft chest against my hard torso, resting her forehead on mine when I notice a blush coating her cheeks. She grabs my clawed hand off the ground and carries it to her stomach, her palm on top of my knuckles as she announces,
"I guess we're lucky."
Kagome and I are in real love.
I love her, my Kagome, and she loves me, her Inuyasha. She is my everything, I am hers for all eternity, and our developing pup is ours to care for, to love and nourish. She is the most accepting, wonderful person in the world, and I am indebted to the god out there who sent her to me, allowed her to carry my pup, and that she gave me her heart, her precious heart, and trusted me not to ever break it.
She came for me that day, and never will I doubt her love for me again.
And last off, let me just say I love her.
A/N: If you didn't get that, Inuyasha was insecure after finding out most half-breeds are sterile, or unable to reproduce, and ran off before hearing that he was one of the rare ones who was able to reproduce. So, Kagome came after him and broke the news that she was pregnant. Happy ending for an angst!fic, I know, but eh, I hate sad endings. *shrugs helplessly*
At first, I wasn't really sure where I was going with this fic—the idea of a heartbroken Inuyasha—but I think it turned out well for the most part. Don't be afraid to review, though, and tell me your thoughts! :)