Title: Birthday Cake and a Sawblade.
Word Count: 2,210.
Summary: Ingredients: One Kurt Hummel, one Noah Puckerman, a splash of juvie, a pinch of sexual tension, and a whole lot of sarcasm. For added flavor, try an officer with a fish tattoo.
Disclaimer: I solemnly swear that Glee isn't mine. It will be one day, but that's not to be discussed here.
Noah Puckerman sighed as the annoying officer named Bob said, "You gotta visitor." First of all - no one's name is Bob! That's what everyone's imaginary friend's name is, but it's just so...common. C'mon, there was an actual kid out there named Apple! Fucking Apple. Bob is too boring, end of story.
Second of all - Bob had a tattoo of a fish on his arm. A. Fucking. Fish. What a waste of ink, to put a rainbow fish on Boring-Bob's arm! Bob probably took it up the ass too, Puck wouldn't doubt it. A rainbow fish; that was clearly a sign!
And third of all - Bob treated Puck like he was the scum between his toes. Bob probably had scum between his toes. Bob was a scummy-toed, fish-tattooed, take-it-up-the-butt officer who treated Puck like shit and Puck fucking hated him.
Puck sighed. What he actually hated was life.
"Who is it?" Puck sneered at Boring-Bob, whose eyes flashed with menace. Good, Puck thought. Let's keep pushing your buttons, Boring-Bob, shall we? "Bob, who's visiting me? Is it my mother? It's always my mother. Tell her I don't wanna see her till I'm on the other side."
"Listen, you little punk. Your mother's a good woman if she puts up with your shit and still loves you. If you were my son, I would've kicked you out a long time ago. And for your information, it's not her. Maybe she's decided to let you rot in here."
Hmm, that was weird. Not what Bob said, Bob could go fuck himself (probably did, too. A little left-hand action every night cause what girl is going to sleep with probably-gay-Boring-Bob who had scum between his toes and a rainbow fish tattoo on his arm?
What was weird was that it wasn't his mom visiting. It was always his mom. None of his friends gave a rat's ass enough to visit him, except Santana a few days ago. She was just complaining that Brittany was mad at her and she had no one to get with. Then she said phone sex was a nice option. Puck just hung up and walked away.
If it was her again, Puck swore up and down he wouldn't bother giving a minute of his time to her. He'd leave instantly without so much as a glance back. Fuck Santana, he was getting so tired of women lately.
He got up, curiously walking out to see who was on the other side of that annoying fucking glass, waiting for him.
"What. The. Fuck?" Puck mumbled under his breath. He sat across from a tackily-clad Hummel: whose suit was covered in gold glitter. God save the Queen, what was Boring-Bob going to think of him now? Hummel was wearing a golden fucking hat. With a gold feather on the brim.
He looked like one big fucking trophy. Bob was going to hold this over his head for as long as he was in there with him. Puckerman was visited by the sparkly gay kid, which could start up the rumor mill - people could say that Puck was gay. Which he wasn't.
Puck picked up the phone and sat down, curious to see why Kurt had wasted his time to come see him. They weren't even friends. Yet here he was, in all his golden glory. Golden fucking glory. Puck was going to die of embarrassment.
"What're you doing here, queer?" He snorted into the phone, watching to see if Kurt's facial expression changed from Ice-Bitch to some sort of pained, hurt look. It didn't, when did it ever? Kurt was the only kid in the school that could remain calm while being thrown into a dumpster.
"Nice to see you too, Puck. I'm glad to see that jail has helped shape you into a nice, proper young man," Kurt replied boredly, his eyes boring into Puck's own. Puck was kind of surpised to see that Kurt had...pretty eyes. Holy shit, what?
Puck was in here too long. How long was it now, almost two weeks? With no masturbating, no females except for Santana or his mom, nothing. Perhaps it was because Hummel was the first female-like person he'd seen since Santana, but Santana was vicious and dominant, almost like a dude. Puck knew Hummel was very lady-like.
Maybe that's why Puck had that sudden stab of attraction to him. It was the only explanation. That was why he wanted to break through that glass and take Hummel on the floor. He needed females, fast.
"Fuck you, why are you here?"
Kurt sighed. "I am here on behalf of Glee club."
"Dude! Keep it down! I'm trying to maintain a bad boy rep in here, I don't need these guys knowing shit like that."
Kurt puckered his lips sourly. Puck wanted to kiss them.
Oh fuck, fuckity fuck! No, no, no. Bad Puck. Just think of Ms. June. Oh, Ms. June was nice. Puck remembers Ms. June very well. Ms. June was a very nice lady with very big breasts.
But he musn't distract himself too much. Kurt was talking and Puck felt he owed him his attention, if anything. "Glad to know you're so ashamed of us, Puckerman. I won't try to take up too much of your time."
Puck sighed. He hadn't really wanted to hurt Kurt's feelings. He was just trying to send Kurt a message - saying things like Glee club was a sure way to an early death in this place. And Puck was already hanging by a thread, with Boring-Bob muttering incantations at him under his breath.
Then again, what did it matter? Puck wanted to die anyway.
"Anyway, about you-know-what. I was just wondering - what in the hell were you thinking, Puckerman?" Kurt cried into the phone, that masquerade of his slowly fading away, replaced with a cutting look of anger.
Great, Puck already felt like shit. Thanks, Kurt, thanks.
"Dude, I don't need your criticism. I've got enough of it already, surprisingly," he snapped, rubbing his temple with his other hand. This conversation was already stressing him out, just as he suspected it would.
"I'm sorry, but Nationals are soon. And we need you. But what do you do - you get arrested! Not surprising but I have to say, your timing was atrocious. You picked one time when we truly need you and decide, 'Hmm, I wanna steal this ATM'."
"Shut up!" Puck growled. He had never wanted to punch the little dweeb this much...yet at the same time, he wanted to...shove him against a wall and take him. What was going on? Seriously, it was starting to scare Puck. He never even lusted after a girl the way he was lusting after Kurt.
It was seriously starting to scare him.
"Well, I just wanted you to know that I baked you a cake," Kurt said casually, inspecting his finger nails as if he suddenly become very bored in their argument.
Puck had to rewind for a moment. Did he just say...what? "You...baked me a cake?" Kurt nodded. "Wha-? Is this some commemoration of our little pity party? Does it say 'Congrats on ruining your life, Puck'."
"Pah, as if. It has a saw blade in it."
Puck blinked. "..."
"I'm breaking you out, Puck," Kurt lowered his voice to a stage whisper. "We need you and your voice, I can't let your talent sit here and rot to nothingness. So, I have baked you a birthday cake in which there is a saw blade. You will bust yourself out of here."
Puck knew this was a big lie, but he still couldn't help but say, "There are some cracks in your plan, you realize."
Kurt looked up at him with those...those goddamn eyes of his. Holy shit. "My plan is not flawed, it's perfect."
"Um, no it's not. There's always a guard on duty. One of the officers hates me and checks up on me every day so he'd know I was gone. And where am I supposed to stay once I'm out? This plan is failure-bound."
Kurt frowned. "Oh poo, I spent all night working on the blueprints."
"Let's be serious for a moment," Puck quipped.
Kurt blinked. "I'm being very serious."
"Why are you even here?" Puck groaned, slamming his head down onto the table below him.
"I told you, for Glee."
Puck's mean side emerged to play. "Really? Cause I think it's because you have a big gay crush on me and needed to hear my voice again." Something twitched in Kurt's facial features. "Is that it? Did I get it right? Huh?"
Kurt jumped up and Puck followed. They stared each other down through the glass and Kurt's hands began to quiver. Puck knew he wanted to hit him. Puck would've welcomed the blow, and followed with one of his own. Then he would...then he would...kiss him.
"If there wasn't this glass between us, what you do Hummel?"
"Why do you have to be such a dick, Puckerman? You are seriously making me regret paying your bail."
"Yeah well-" Puck stopped, his eyes widening. "You what?"
"I told you we need you and your voice. I also said I wasn't going to let you just sit here! Now it wasn't that much in the first place and I've already discussed it with your mom. She said that you are going to be working your ass off to pay me back, which I don't mind. It was most of the money I've been saving for this Armani suit." Kurt smiled at him, and Puck still thought this was a joke.
No way. No fucking way Kurt Hummel bailed him out of jail. No way!
"Why do you look so shocked? I didn't do this for you, I did it for Glee. We have a new guy but he doesn't have, and I'm quoting Finn here, your 'bad-boy stage presence'. If we want you win Nationals, you're going to need to be up on that stage with us."
Puck's eyes widened even further. "Holy shit, Kurt! You actually paid my bail?"
Kurt tsked under his breath. "Holy shit, Noah! I actually paid your bail!"
"I never have been more serious."
Puck was amazed. Astounded. He could barely string together a sentence. What was this even? Was he dreaming? Him and Kurt weren't even acquaintences yet Hummel had paid his bail. Even his mom didn't do that (his mom didn't have the money, so Puck understood). But still...this was just...
"Dude..." Puck muttered.
"Dude..." Kurt mocked, a small smile set on his lips.
"I thought we already established this. God, stop acting so surprised. I didn't do it cause I can't stand the thought of not seeing you for another day. I didn't do it because I've been miserable without my daily dose of asshole. I did it for Glee club, the one thing in this world that keeps me living. Well, that and my father."
Puck would've been offended at Kurt's words had he not been smiling slightly the whole time.
He shook his head, grinning from ear to ear. He really one hundred percent bailed Puck out of juvie. "I could kiss you, you know."
Kurt's eyes lit up - those eyes, holy shit - and his smile grew brilliantly, highlighting the blush on his cheeks. He just giggled a little bit, an embarrassed giggle, while Puck tried not to think about what he just said. That had been a total, not-thinking moment.
"Why don't you wait till your on the other side?" was all Kurt said before hanging up and scampering off.
Puck was so going to rub this in Boring-Bob's face.