I do not own any part of the Black Dagger Brotherhood. All of that greatness is the work of the amazing J R Ward.
As of 5-22-12 the wonderful GothicBelle has beta'ed this for me. Hopefully this is now easier to read.
I hope everyone enjoys.
Blaylock re-entered his bedroom from the balcony. Qhuinn is such an asshole, he thought. Take care of myself, like I don't know what that means, a real fucking asshole.
Blay was seething with anger for the person he loved. Even after today Qhuinn held his heart. It sucked that that old cliché 'What the heart wants,' was so heart wrenchingly true. When Blay had told Qhuinn that being with Saxton had 'Felt right,' he hadn't been exactly truthful. The truth was though it had felt right to be with a male, so much better than any of the females in his past; it also felt very wrong because it was the wrong male.
The bathroom door opened then and Saxton walked out already dress for the evening. "I am going to go spend the time before First Meal in the library." Saxton headed for the hall door.
Blay felt awful. "I'm sorry." He didn't know what else to say. He was sorry. Not just for Saxton, but for himself. What kind of male did this to himself? What kind of male belittled a person as he had, especially during sex?
"It's not all your fault, you know," Saxton said turning to him. "I knew your feelings for him and I knew this would be hard, if not impossible for you. You love him deeply. I respect that."
"I don't deserve your respect. I'm a terrible person. Please understand I really do want to move on, get over him and stop this masochistic behavior of mine." Blay knew he now had tears in his eyes. Saxton was a male of worth and of the same sexual persuasion as him. Why couldn't he be attracted, attracted to him and not his selfish fucking shithead, asshole of a cousin?
"You love him. There is nothing wrong with that. Qhuinn is a male of worth; whether or not he believes that. I'm his cousin, I love him too, you know. I wish I could make him see himself for what he truly is. But that family of his really warped his perception of his self-worth. If you had not been at his side all these years, I do not believe he would have survived." Saxton had crossed to Blay and was now holding the young warrior as he cried.
"What have I done?" Blay managed to whisper between sobs. He was still furious with Qhuinn but was even more mad at himself for being so weak. Real males of worth didn't bawl on another's shoulder like a baby.
"We did, Blay, we did." Saxton said as he rubbed the other males back feeling ashamed of what had taken place in this beautiful room during the daylight hours. It had started so wonderfully, just lying on that gorgeous bed with the young Blaylock in his arms. Then they had just laid together and kissed for what seemed like hours. He should have left it at that, but no, he had wanted more.
Saxton was so ashamed. He could see the nervousness in Blay's eyes but he had pressed the warrior on. He knew that Blay's actions where a direct result from Qhuinn's rejection, and he should have backed away and given the situation more time. Blay was trying to force himself to move on in one day, one moment even. He should have waited for Qhuinn to come to his senses and realize what he saw between the two young males. It may have taken time but Saxton knew Qhuinn would have figured out there was no substitute or replacement for a male the caliber of Blaylock. Saxton had rarely seen two beings more suited for each other, their love so obvious.
The beauty and innocence of Blaylock is what had done Saxton in. He could not control himself. He had wanted Blay with every bone in his body. Blay was beautiful inside and out. He was a true warrior, a fighter to the core, but he also had a huge heart and a gentle soul. He was a male of worth who would protect their race to the death.
Saxton had seen the way Blay's eyes burned with passion at Qhuinn when he thought no one was watching and he had wanted that for himself. His actions of the day were the single most selfish of his life. He now wished to take it back and that was a first.
Saxton had not come to his senses until it was too late. He had slowly directed Blay to his will and at the height of the passion they had created together Blay had called out Qhuinn's name. That had stopped Saxton instantly and he had turned his back to the male. His heart filled with disgust for himself and what he had done. In reality, he knew it had been both their decision, which still did not make it right.
Even with Qhuinn's refusal of reality, Saxton felt he and Blay had both betrayed a male of worth they each loved deeply.
Saxton pulled himself away from his thoughts and back to Blay. "Hey, we are going to fix this, Blaylock. I am going to leave you so you can prepare for First Meal. I will be in the library. Okay?"
"Okay, thank you."
"After First Meal I am going to seek an audience with the King. I want to stay here. You need a friend right now and I want to be that friend." Blay looked at him with worry in his brilliant blue eyes. How could Qhuinn be so ignorant as to refuse those eyes? He thought, and then said aloud, "Just friends Blay, like I should have done in the first place. Let me help you, besides I am sure there are things that I will be able to help the monarchy and even the Brotherhood with. Our laws can be quite hard to navigate at times. I am sure I can be put to use."
"Thank you," Blay said in a still shaky voice. He was still so confused. Confused about Qhuinn, about what had happened with Saxton, and mostly confused with himself.
As Saxton opened the door he said, "The three of use are going to work this all out. It will just take time." He gently closed the door.
Not knowing what else to do and still feeling far too overwhelmed Blay moved to the bathroom. He hoped by the time he was showered and dressed he would have himself prepared for First Meal.