A Note on Names:
I refer to the Lis by their names in Mandarin when they speak to each other, when a Japanese speaking character talks to them their names are spelled as they would be in Japanese. Here is a quick guide:
Japanese - Mandarin
Li Jenrya - Li Jianliang (Jen)
Li Rinchei - Li Lianjie (Jen's big bro)
Li Jaarin - Li Jialing (Jen's big sis)
Li Shiuchon - Li Xiaochun (Jen's lil sis)
Li Janyuu = Li Jiangyu (Jen's Dad)
So, Jianliang talking to Lianjie would be: "Lianjie, that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard. Though Jialing's heard more of your dumb ideas than I have so I should probably get her input first."
While Takato talking to Jianliang would be: "Jen-kun, why is Rinchei so excited about the new Dynasty Warriors game? And you left Terriermon alone with Shiuchon? That's...not good for Terriermon."
Terriermon always refers to Jenrya\Jianliang as "Jen."
Xie xie, zuo le! (Thank you, enjoy!)
-Original Author AKA Ori
DUDE! That Thing Just Talked!
Release day, the newest Dynasty Warriors game was out...
...The sequel to Dynasty Warriors Meet The Samurai Warriors, which was a sequel to Dynasty Warriors 6: Empires, itself a sequel to Dynasty Warriors 6: Xtreme Legends which was a sequel to Dynasty Warriors 6 and so on for about fifteen more games. But the new one was one he had been dying to play ever since it was announced...
...Dynasty Warriors: Xtreme Beach Volleyball. Was Koei milking the franchise? Yes. What Koei running out of ideas? Probably! Did Lianjie Li care? No, no he did not.
The line outside of GamerZ wasn't too long. They were on the entrance outside of the mall, the mall itself was closed for the night. Lianjie had been to bigger release parties, the kind with media coverage and cosplayers! Though he was never the type to show up in costume (at least, not one he'd be easily recognized in). This time it was a midnight release with maybe a dozen people and one hardcore Zhang He fan in full costume, but still, Lianjie couldn't wait...
...He just wished he wasn't sitting right in front of a poster of Lu Bu in speedos, spiking a flaming volleyball. The one with Sun Shang Xiang behind him was MUCH more pleasing to his eyes. His brother, Jianliang, was also in line, but to pick up another reserved game he meant to get earlier that day.
"...Jianliang, I gotta ask," Lianjie spoke up after glancing to his watch, just thirty more minutes until Ancient Chinese Extreme Volleyball time. "Aren't you, I dunno, a little old to carry that thing around?" He was referring to the stuffed digimon that was always on his brother's head.
Jianliang's eyes glanced upwards to the digimon resting on his head. "Uh, Terriermon just has a lot of sentimental value to him. He's good luck, too. I never have a bad time when he's with me."
"Yeah, but, I mean...Xiaochun carrying that thing around is one thing, but you?" Lianjie shrugged. "Whatever..."
Lianjie could have sworn he heard someone whisper. A little voice. "...What was that?"
"N-Nothing!" Jianliang shook his head. "I didn't hear anything."
A few minutes passed. Lianjie looked down to his watch, trying not to look at the Lu Bu poster.
"...Jen, I gotta..."
There it was again. "...Did you say something? ...It wasn't that doll was it?"
Jianliang shook his head. "N-No, but...I'm going to go grab a drink. Hold my spot?"
"Good idea, can you grab me a soda, too?" Lianjie asked. Jianliang nodded. "Thanks, bro!"
Jianliang went off around the outside of the mall, passing through the outdoor portion of the food court, he turned a corner to a secluded area. "Terriermon-"
"Jen! I gotta pee, so either he hears me talk or you explain to your brother why you have a leaking 'change-me-mommy' Terriermon doll on your head!" Terriermon shouted.
"...Oh, sorry..." Jianliang cleared his throat. "We should...work out some sort of hair tugging system for something like this..." Jianliang put Terriermon back on his head and walked to the restrooms as quickly but casually as he could.
Lianjie waited for the release, still staring at his watch. Jianliang came back after a few minutes with a couple sodas from one of the few open fast food restaurants. Lianjie took his and they both opened them at roughly the same moment...
...Both sprayed everywhere. "Augh! Damn it!" Lianjie shouted. "...Some prankster must've..."
"S-Sorry, Lianjie, I just grabbed them from the case at Lotteria..." Jianliang said. He and Terriermon were dripping with ramune soda.
"Not your fault, I did this all the time when I was a kid..." Lianjie muttered. "Karma for ya, I guess."
The two brothers waited patiently for their game. It was late, a cold wind blew. Lianjie shivered slightly. "Lousy kids...Wish we could be inside the mall..."
"...Jianliang, did your...doll just sneeze?" Lianjie asked, glancing to Jianliang.
"I-I did," Jianliang replied, rubbing his nose.
"You sneeze like a mouse? I mean, it was like half-squeek, half-sneeze..." Lianjie trailed off.
"Um...Guess I do?" Jianliang shrugged.
Lianjie looked away, then back at Terriermon while Jianliang's back was turned. He pointed his index and middle fingers at his eyes, then at Terriermon. I'm watching you...
The doll remained motionless.
The store started selling games not long after, Lianjie got his copy of Dynasty Warriors Xtreme Beach Volleyball, Jianliang got Digimon World 5.
As Lianjie and Jianliang walked home they admired their games, reading the back of the box and comparing features. Jianliang was excited to see all of the new Digimon included in his game, including a certain little green Digimon with a horn.
Lianjie rolled his eyes as Jianliang held up the box to Terriermon to 'show him' one of the screen shots on the back, but quickly stopped and looked embarrassed as he saw Lianjie staring at him.
...Though, when Lianjie thought about it for a second, with those noises earlier and that sneeze...
"...Nah. Jianliang's just being weird," Lianjie thought to himself.
Lianjie shook his head and looked at his box. "...Use strategic volley ball tactics, like Zhuge Liang's Sleeping Dragon block..." Lianjie read. "Or Cao Cao's Wrath of Heaven spike... ...But... Who buys this game to play as the guys?"
Again he heard a squeeking sneeze.
"...That was not you!" Lianjie shouted, looking to Jianliang.
"Wh-what? Then who was it?" Jianliang asked, laughing.
Lianjie grabbed the Terriermon doll from his brother's head. "This thing! Come on, there's a button or something, isn't there?" He poked the digimon in the stomach, Jianliang could tell Terriermon was trying his hardest not laugh - The little green digimon was unfortunately ticklish. "...Feels...pretty lifelike..." He trailed off, looking to Jianliang. "And heavy for a stuffed toy..." He kept poking it in the stomach, thankfully not looking up at the expression on Terriermon's face each time.
"Lianjie, are you...seriously trying to tell me you think Terriermon is real? And you made fun of me for just carrying him around?" Jianliang laughed, though it wasn't a 'ha ha' laugh, more of an 'I didn't do it, nobody saw me do it, you can't prove anything' laugh. The kind Lianjie was familiar with and used quite frequently.
"...I actually think I am," Lianjie looked into the doll's eyes. "Talk, Poodlemon!"
"Terriermon." Jianliang corrected.
"Whatever." Lianjie continued looking into the digimon's eyes...After about half a minute, he realized how stupid he had to look. "You're right-" Terriermon blinked. Lianjie let out a terrified scream, throwing Terriermon and his game aside and falling over. "Th-That...That...THAT THING JUST BLINKED!" He screamed.
Jianliang managed to catch Terriermon with the digimon facing him. Terriermon gave him a quick apologetic look and went back into 'doll mode.' "N-No he didn't...Lianjie, it's a stuffed toy!"
"That thing...is possessed!" Lianjie picked up his game. "...I'm onto you, Chihuahuamon!"
"...Terriermon." Jianliang said.
"Same thing! It's a... ...That thing looks NOTHING like a terrier, where'd they even come up with that name?" Lianjie pondered that for a moment or two, then shook his head. "Whatever, the important thing is...That thing's real!"
Jianliang put Terriermon back on his head. "Lianjie...It's a doll. Xiaochun plays with it all the time. If Terriermon were real, do you think he'd really put up with all that?"
Terriermon subtly gave Jianliang a light scratch on the head with one of his paws, as if to say, 'NO! CAN YOU MAKE HER STOP?' He ignored it.
Lianjie continued on. "...I'm onto that thing."
Jianliang sighed, glancing up at Terriermon. He continued down the street after Lianjie, their apartment complex wasn't far.
When they got home, Lianjie washed off the sticky, dried on soda from his hair in the bathroom, while Jianliang changed in his room. Lianjie passed by Jianliang's door on his way to the living room.
...Something spoke in there... To Jianliang...And he told it to shut up.
Lianjie threw open the door. "AHA-OH! CRAP! SORRY!" He shielded his eyes, closing the door.
"LIANJIE, LEARN HOW TO KNOCK!" Jianliang shouted.
"I heard the doll talk!" Lianjie said into the door. "...And...They make Digimon print boxers? Seriously?"
"Terriermon did NOT talk! ...And yes, yes they do... It's called merchandising, Lianjie. Any Dynasty Warriors fan should be familiar with the concept!" Jianliang said through the door.
"...Touche...And Dachsundmon did talk!"
Jianliang opened the door, wearing his usual pajamas. "Seriously, Lianjie...I'm starting to get worried. You're...obsessing over the idea that a stuffed toy is talking."
"It whispered to you, it sneezed, it blinked and...I just heard it talk in there!"
Jianliang rolled his eyes. "...Lianjie, you...You need to play less video games...Or more. I really don't know."
"Jianliang, I know that thing is not just a stuffed toy!"
"...What's going on?" A sleepy voice spoke. Jianliang and Lianjie turned to the source.
"Jialing, tell Lianjie that Terriermon is a stuffed toy and not real," Jianliang said. "He's...I thought he was joking at first, but he's...Serious!"
Jialing looked to Lianjie. "...Terriermon?"
"That digimon Jianliang carries around. Jialing, it BLINKED at me. It's been sneezing!"
"I was sneezing." Jianliang said.
"You don't sneeze like a damn mouse!"
Jialing sighed. "...Jianliang, is the digimon real? Be honest."
"...Jialing, repeat that question to yourself," Jianliang said.
"Oh, crap, you're right...Lianjie's idiocy is contageous," Jialing said with a yawn. "Lianjie, leave Jianliang and his toys alone and go play Dynasty Warriors. ...Which one is it this time?"
"Xtreme Beach Volleyball," Lianjie and Jianliang said, though both in compeletely different tones: Excited (Lianjie) and 'can-you-believe-such-a-thing-exists?' (Jianliang)
"...On second thought, play something that's not stupider than this whole 'the doll is real' thing," Jialing shuddered. "Seriously? Three Kingdoms...volleyball? What...What possessed you to even consider buying that?"
"Five words: Zhen. Ji. In. A. Bikini." Lianjie grinned.
Jialing shuddered. "...I'm going to bed in hope I write this whole conversation off as a bad dream in the morning. Good night. Jianliang, if he keeps bugging you, you have my permission to hit him in my absence."
"Will do," Jianliang said. "Good night, Lianjie. Enjoy your game." He closed his door.
"I'm onto you, Pugmon!" Lianjie shouted, pointing at the door.
"It's name is Terriermon, you dolt!"
"...Jialing, stay out of this," Lianjie muttered.
Lianjie spent about an hour playing his new game before going to bed. He knew it was an insane idea, but he was certain that was no stuffed toy his brother was carrying around.
At breakfast, Jianliang sat at the table with Xiaochun, eating a bowl of cereal. Jialing was making toast. Lianjie sat on the other side of Xiaochun, who was playing with Terriermon.
"...Xiaochun, does that toy ever...talk to you?" Lianjie asked.
"...Really...?" Lianjie looked to Jianliang.
"...Xiaochun, what's your imaginary bunny friend's name?" Jianliang asked.
"...Really...?" Jianliang looked to Lianjie, rolling his eyes.
Lianjie muttered something to himself, he got up and went to the refrigerator for something to eat. "I know that thing's real!"
"You're still obsessed with that?" Jialing sat at the table with her plate of toast. "Lianjie, you're the second oldest one here, stop acting younger than Xiaochun."
"Jialing, I'm not joking around! That thing...It's either real or possessed!"
Jianliang sighed, "He was like this since we got sprayed with some soda at the mall. I think he caught something, it was cold that night..."
"No, I didn't catch anything! Shihtzumon's the one who sneezed!" Lianjie pulled out a carton of orange juice and went for a glass.
"...Terriermon..." Jianliang, Xiaochun and Jialing said in unison, flatly.
"The doll!" Lianjie said, pouring a glass of orange juice. "And I'll prove it!"
Lianjie went to Terriermon, he picked it up and started shaking him violently. "TALK YOU LITTLE DIGI-THING! TALK!"
"TERRIERMON!" Xiaochun sprang into action, she kicked Lianjie in the shin. Lianjie screamed in pain and clutched his leg, while Terriermon went flying into the air. Jianliang caught him, barely. He fell over onto the floor doing so.
"Ow! Ow! Hey, if...It's not real...Why would you...try so hard to catch him-OW!" Xiaochun kicked him in the other leg. "XIAOCHUN! NOT COOL!"
"JERK! You leave Terriermon alone!"
"...Because she's really attached to him, that's why," Jianliang said, letting out a sigh of relief and holding Terriermon to his chest to hide the dazed look on the little digimon's face.
It took Terriermon a moment to recover, but when he did Jianliang set him on the table, closer to Jialing than Lianjie. Lianjie sat at the end of the table, drinking his orange juice but keeping an eye on Terriermon the whole time. Jianliang made note of this and turned Terriermon ever so slightly, so he could blink.
"...I want to see his ey-"
"Drop it, Lianjie, or I'll drop kick you," Jialing warned.
Lianjie rolled his eyes. "You'll see, Jialing...You'll see."
"So, did he...Hit his head or something last night?" Jialing asked, turning to Jianliang.
Jianliang shrugged. "One minute he's normal Lianjie, then...This!"
Xiaochun picked up Terriermon after she finished eating. "Terriermon! Let's play!"
For the first time in the little digimon's life, he was glad to be carried away by Xiaochun...
...At least, for as long as the two were alone. Lianjie came out into the living room, under the guise of playing his new video game, while Xiaochun and Terriermon played in the corner.
Terriermon was dressed in his diaper and bonnet, Xiaochun had gone into her room for his pacifier. Lianjie took that moment to pick up the little digimon and dart off to his room, hoping Jianliang and Jialing didn't see him.
Lianjie locked his door and tossed Terriermon on his bed. "...All right, we're gonna talk."
The "toy" remained silent. Staring emotionless at Lianjie.
"Don't give me that look! I know you're real!" Lianjie crossed his arms. "...I'll apologize for shaking you if you talk."
"...I'll...um...Give you food."
"..I'll make sure Xiaochun never plays dress up with you ever again."
...That was very tempting...Like, the most tempting thing in the history of temptation...
Before Terriermon could strongly consider the ramifications of speaking to Lianjie in exchange for Xiaochun protection, there was a knock on Lianjie's door.
"...Lianjie, this is your father."
"Jialing and Jianliang have told me what's going on," Jiangyu said.
"...Lianjie, when I was your age...Things weren't all that different. Some of the older kids offered me drugs, too, they said they wouldn't hurt me in the long run, but let me tell you-"
"Dad, I'm not on drugs! This damn thing is a real digimon!" Lianjie shouted.
There was a short silence. "...Again, they said they wouldn't hurt me in the long run-"
Lianjie growled, he opened his door. Jiangyu stood in the door frame with Jianliang, Xiaochun and Jialing behind him. "Dad, I'm not joking and I'm not on drugs - That thing is real. It sneezed, it blinked, it spoke to Jianliang. It's a real digimon..."
Jiangyu put his hands on Lianjie's shoulders. "I'm here for you, Lianjie. We'll help you beat this."
Lianjie looked around to Jianliang and Jialing. "...Is Dad serious or just that dedicated to the joke?" Jiangyu hugged him, tightly. "...Please answer quickly."
"I'm not sure anymore, to be honest. I threw drugs out as a joke, but..." Jialing trailed off with a shrug. "...Well, look at yourself! You're trying to convince us that's a real digimon! Lianjie, no real digimon would put up with being dressed like that! I mean, you're not helping the 'not on drugs' defense with the way you're acting..."
Lianjie sighed, looking to Terriermon, then to his father, then his siblings. "...All right, fine! It's not real! I admit it!"
"I'm still going to search your room...And I'm going to have to insist you pee in a cup," Jiangyu said, Lianjie groaned. The laugh that came from Jiangyu to his reaction was a relief. His father was just joking...Hopefully.
Jialing smiled. "Feel better? Less...insane?"
Lianjie sighed, "Yeah...Whatever."
Jiangyu walked off, saying, "Seriously, though, Lianjie...It's just a toy."
Jialing and Xiaochun walked off after him. Jianliang stood at the door frame. "...Can I have Terriermon back now?"
Lianjie stepped aside. "Go ahead."
Jianliang picked up Terriermon, holding him over his shoulder. "Maybe later, we can play Dynasty Warriors together...Regular, not...Volleyball."
Lianjie nodded. "Sure, sounds like fun...I just need a few minutes..."
Jianliang walked off. Lianjie watched as he did...
...And his face went pale...
...Terriermon waved 'goodbye' with the most sinister of grins.
Jianliang winced as he heard a sudden, loud thud behind him. He turned, Lianjie was passed out on the floor. He frowned, holding the little green digimon up to his face. "...You waved at him, didn't you?"
"It was hard to resist, Jen."
Jianliang rolled his eyes, then said, "Xiaochun! You want to play with Terriermon?"
"...I'm sorry, Jen..." Terriermon whimpered.
"Not yet, you aren't..." Jianliang grinned as Xiaochun came running with a smile and Terriermon's "favorite" dresses.
Original Author's (AKA Ori's) Notes:
Eh, I wanted to use Lianjie in a comedic setting outside of the Save File\Soy Sauce\Christmas Dinner fic 'verse. I really like writing the Li family for some reason. I don't know if Lianjie's really that much of a gamer, but Jianliang is and...I figure he had to get it from somewhere.
The Dynasty Warriors joke probably would have made more sense is this was before the PS3...But, let me put it this way, after the third Dynasty Warriors 5 spin off and "Warriors Orochi," I was expecting to see Dynasty Warriors: Xtreme Beach Volleyball, Dynasty Warriors; Xtreme Match Up Dating, Dynasty Warriors: Zuo Ci's Magic Playhouse and Dynasty Warriors: Baby Mystery Club around the corner. Koei, when it comes to spin-offs, is...Well I think they used to call Cao Cao* by the name "Cow Cow" for a reason - They loved to milk him.
I don't know if this was as funny as it could have been, I wasn't sure how far I could really take Lianjie's obsession with proving Terriermon was real when I first started this. I did have a lot of fun with Jiangyu's appearance, though...
Hope you enjoyed!
* = It's really pronounced as Tsao Tsao. Took Koei about a dozen games to get that.
I enjoyed it. I cannot help but love Lianjie as a hardcore gamer.
And it's good to see you doing comedy again, especially after that, um, "other fic" that I still cannot believe you had in you.
Like with all comedy fics, I want to put in a plug for Ori's DeviantArt page (link available through my profile) which contains a number of Digimon humor pictures and some comics.
Also, I ask those interested to answer the poll on my profile to help Ori figure out what fics to focus on!
Thank you all very much,