Some things you don't expect to hear from your male-lover

Sephiroth x Cloud x Zack (yes, all three of them)

Disclaimer I don't own them; I never even played the game. But I own a DVD of Advent Children… I blame this story at the same thing I blame my liking for Yugioh: FanFiction. (The root of all evil…) and FanArt.

Summary! There are just some things you don't expect to hear from your male lover. Even if they all are pumped full of Mako and who know what else is in that stuff…
And this is one of those unexpected things Sephiroth didn't see coming his way.

Warning! I never played Final Fantasy 7, so my only inspiration for this was Fanfiction and Fanart, and we all know how that works. I took lots of artistic freedom with this thing, as in: Cloud never failed his SOLDIER-exam, but Hojo kidnapped him shortly after for Nibelheim. Zack and Sephiroth follow Cloud and free him, find out al that stuff about Jenova, and the general went a bit nuts. Jenova and Hojo get killed, Sephy back to normal, and they hook up with each other…

And I don't care if you like all the changes I made or not, this is my story, and everyone who doesn't like it doesn't need to read it, after all. I hope no one feels insulted, but well.

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Unexpected things
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"Darling, we're getting a baby!" Zack cried happily as soon as the silver-haired General stepped through the door of their shared apartment, and tackle-hugged him nearly to the ground.
"No, we don't." said General answered blankly and held the bouncy young man at arms length away from him to blink at him.
Zack pouted in protest.
"But Sephy-"

"No, I don't care where you got it, and I don't even want to know who is crazy enough to trust you with their offspring, but we're not keeping it!
Firstly, you will bring it back where you got it.
And then, you will stop bringing strays home!" he told him firmly, as Zack bounced over to the other occupant of the room, and hugged Cloud with a broad grin.

"No, you got it all wrong! Our little Cloudy here is pregnant! Isn't that great?" Cloud blushed under the unblinking stare of those green cat-eyes.
"Last time I checked, and that was this morning before I left, he was definitive male." And he grabbed his crotch with a small smirk.
"Yes, still male." He rubbed him through his pants and smiled as Clouds breath hitched for a moment, and his cheeks gained rapidly on color.
Sephiroth let go of him, ignoring the disappointed whimper for now, and looked up at the grinning puppy behind the smaller blond.
"Now, Zack, I don't know what the point in this is, but today is neither April Fools Day nor is it Halloween. So, no pranks. And keep Cloud out of them."

Cloud turned around to glare up at the taller man still draped over his shoulder.
"See? I told you to be more sensitive when you break that news to him, or he will not believe you! But you never believe me when I tell you something!" Zack just laughed at his glare and ruffled his blond hair.

"Cloud, you really shouldn't always let him drag you into his pranks, or you will get into serious trouble one day." Sephiroth told him sternly, but his eyes glittered with amusement as he waited.
"Hey!" and here it came, the indignant squeak he was waiting for, so predictable, so familiar. "You know I would never purposely get our little Chocobo into trouble."

"Really, Sephy, it's the true, this time, not one of his pranks." Cloud looked at him with his clear, blue eyes; nothing but honesty shining in them.
"See, that's exactly what I told you! I didn't lie to you, so ha!"
Zack let go of Clouds shoulders to shove a pregnancy test into Sephiroth's face, before skipping back behind Cloud to cuddle him some more.
"See, it says pregnant! So he's pregnant, just like I said! There is no giving it back! I don't want to, and I will not let you give it away either! We're keeping it! It's ours now."

Sephiroth rubbed his forehead and looked down at his younger lovers with a sigh:
"Okay, so let us pretend, if only for a moment, that you are right, Zackary.
Why would a normal, sane male,-" another squeeze to Clouds sensitive parts, his blush deepened, and the smaller blonde let out a shaky moan, "-take a pregnancy test in the first place?"

"Zack." Was all Cloud answered, with a quick glance back at their ginning dark-haired lover.
"Oh. Well, I think that sort of explains everything. And you are really sure he didn't trick you somehow, Cloud? You know he is sneaky and devious, maybe he did something to make you think you are pregnant?"
"Hey, I'm not that bad!"
"Really? I remember you trying to talk Rufus into believing that he could easily be related to a pink elephant in a frilly dress!
And he totally believed you!"

"Yeah, but Rufus is blond!" Zack said with a careless shrug. He remembered that 'little talk' with the drunken heir. He had talked about evolution, and weird scientists, and other nonsense, with the end result that everything is connected and related to each other.
Even Rufus and elephants in dresses and singing cockroaches…

"Hey! I'm blonde, too!"
"Oh... Yeah, ähmmm, Oh, but it's another shade of blond, so that makes all the difference! Totally not the same, really!"
"Smooth, Zackary. But you should be careful if Cloud comes any near you with a knife. You might loose parts of you that you are fond of, and we don't want that."

"Seriously, I didn't believe it either."
"Cloud!"
"Really, I'm sorry Zack, but I know you well enough not to believe something like that!
As you know, males normally don't get pregnant.
So I went to a doctor, a real doctor, and he really confirmed Zack weird test. Here, you can look for yourself." And he gave him the papers he got from the doctor, which said that no, this is not another prank from a certain second-in-command, and yes, he was really pregnant.

"Right, right, here you can read it for yourself! See, our Chocobo is gonna be a mommy!"
"Call me mommy again and you will not survive long enough to see the birth!"

Sephiroth sat down and studied the papers, ignoring the bristling Chocobo and the grinning puppy for the moment. Cloud finally struggled free from Zack's hold and tried to get away, while the taller one tried to tickle him into submission.
"So it is true. You are really pregnant, Cloud. But how?" he looked up with an unreadable expression after carefully reading the results over.

This caused Zack to stop and grin manically: "Well, that's not so hard. I will tell you! But you have to keep it a secret, or anyone else will want to try it, too!
At first, you need a cute little Chocobo.
Oh great, here we have the perfect exemplar." He grabbed Cloud and dragged him on his lap as he sat down on the couch opposite of Sephiroth's chair.
Cloud gave an indignant squawk as his dark-haired lover kept him there with an arm around his waist.

"Next, you have to strip your Chocobo bare." Cloths went flying in every which way. Cloud started to struggle in protest, much to Zack's amusement.
"And this is very important, so listen: You have to touch and stroke your Chocobo a lot, to assure it that you don't want to hurt it, and to calm it down and relax it.
And it is important to keep it that way, or else it will run away and you have to catch it anew."

Expert hands teased over soft skin, knowing and exploiting every sensitive spot.
Cloud shivered in his arms and could barely bite back a breathy moan of pleasure and lust.
"Yeah, yeah. Live is hard when someone knows all your weak points." He murmured in his ear, before lightly biting down on it.
With a chuckle he looked up at the green cat eyes watching them intently, lust and love shining in them.
Sephiroth liked watching them together just as much as joining in in the fun.

"Next, when your Chocobo is aroused and willing, you have to prepare him."
Strong fingers moved down over Cloud's spine to caress his firm ass gently, before moving to his entrance.
"See, here you stick-"
"Zack! I think that's enough. Cloud, come here to me. I'm protecting you from the bad, horny puppy." He opened his arms, and with a smile the blond wriggled out of Zack's hold and fled over to their older lover.
With a bright blush he buried his head in Sephiroth's chest, who stroked through his soft hair.
"Make him stop… please…" he begged quietly, much to Zack's amusement.
Sephiroth grinned at the pouting Zack as he felt Cloud smile against his neck.
"Seems that I'm pretty good with catching Chocobos…"
"More like steeling them…" Zack murmured and he crossed his arms over his broad chest. But Cloud still refused to look up at him from the general's chest.

The brunet moved over to tousle the blond hair:
"Oh, come on, Chocobo, you can't still be embarrassed by that! Shouldn't you be used to this by now?"
"He is right, Cloud, you know. Plus, he could do worse."
A groan came as answer from his chest.
"Yeah, like, I could do it in public!"
"Zack!"
"What?" Zack asked innocently and looked from one to the other. "You don't like my idea? I can come up with another! Like-"

"Zackary, that's enough."
"And it's not even the point here!" Cloud protested, "The point is that I'm pregnant!"
"Yeah, and apparently Sephiroth doesn't know how."
His fingertips moved lightly over his spine, making their smallest lover shudder in the Generals pale arms.

"Zack! Cut it out! I'm serious here!"
"Me too! I'm trying to tell him some very serious and important facts of live here!"
"And I'm talking about our future!"
"Well I don't even know what there's to talk about, Cloud. You are pregnant and we are keeping it. End of story!" He shoots the silver-haired General a pointed look.
"Of course we do! What do you think of me, Zack! I just said that because I though it followed you home from the park or something like that!"

For a moment Cloud simply stayed there and let Sephiroth cuddle him and calm his nerves. He was really relived, even if he wasn't sure what he fared that he would do…
Then again, it's not every day that a male has to announce that he is pregnant…
He had just felt a little ill in the stomach those past few days, and Zack had suggested that pregnancy test only as a joke.

He had taken that damn thing only to shut the puppy up, he never expected it to be positive!

"And I didn't ask for the mechanics, I believe I know that well enough!" Sephiroth finally interrupted the silence, and Cloud's mussing "I wanted to know what made it possible in the first place."
"Hojo?" Zack guessed carefully. "I mean, Cloud was trapped for a few weeks there in the underground lab with him, before we found him and destroyed that Jenova-thing."

"And Hojo! We destroyed him, too!"
"You mean you beat him to death with his silly clip-board, Cloud, before you kicked him down into the core of the reactor!"
"Well, he deserved it! He kidnapped me and locked me away! And he tried to use that alien-bitch to take over Sephiroth and destroy the world!
And he was getting on my nerves with his constant ranting and bragging!"

"Yeah, well, but what do you think caused this? Is it something the professor did with all the Mako we get, and we are just the first to notice? Or is it just an unforeseeable and unique reaction you have to the Mako-injections? Or is it the late… well… aftermath of one of those experiments in Nibelheim…" Zack asked carefully.
He didn't want to bring up unpleasant memories, but with Hojo involved.
The guy may be death, but he is still a pain in the ass and causes trouble.
Not that a baby was a bad kind of trouble, but well.

Sephiroth shock his head slowly: "No, somehow I don't think that Hojo tampered with all the Mako on purpose, we would have heard about it if this is a common occurrence. Maybe it is just a reaction to the injections. You know how it can change and alter us. That's kind of the point of it, after all. Or it could be a late reaction that just took lots of time to be noticed…"
Zack looked at him suddenly with big, startled eyes: "Do you mean any one of us could get pregnant?"
"Who knows? Mako does sometimes strange things to the SOLDIERS."

Both Cloud and Sephiroth could only stare at their dark-haired lover as he suddenly rolled on the floor and held his belly, roaring with loud, heartfelt laughter.
"Sephy? What do you think is wrong with him?" Cloud asked hesitantly, and the General shrugged his shoulders.
"Who knows? Maybe insane. Or brain damage. Or he is simply Zack."

"Could be all of them."
"As far as we know, yes."
"Hey! I'm right here, you know. And I was just thinking-"
"Stop it right there Zack! We don't want you to hurt yourself!"

Zack pouted at the grinning Blond, while Sephiroth rolled his eyes at them.
Finally Cloud took pity in his dark-haired lover: "Okay, Zack. I know I'm going to regret asking that, but what were you thinking about?"

Their puppy stopped sulking and grinned up at them from his spot on the carpet.
"Well, just think about it: Sephiroth marching around, scowling and being his normal pissy self, scaring students and third-class SOLDIERS half to death… And all with a big stomach in front of him!
If he's bad now, how bad would he be with mood swings?"

Again Zack was laughing on the floor, and even Cloud couldn't suppress a smile at that thought.
Sephiroth on the other hand just snorted: "Well, good thing that that's unlikely to happen."
Zack winked at Cloud conspiratorially: "One of those days we need to get him properly drunk and shag him thoroughly."

The silver-haired General just shook his head as Cloud blushed a little.
"Well, whatever, I'd like to see you try. Cloud, do you know what it will be?"
"But Seph, its way too early for that!" protested Zack before the Blond could even open his mouth.
The General just shrugged his shoulders: "How would I know? I never cared for such things before, for obvious reasons." He waved his hand at Cloud and Zack; mean their relationship and his general disinterest in woman.

"What would you like it to be, a boy or a girl?" Cloud asked curiously. Not that he could influence it anyway, but he was still curious.
Sephiroth considered his answer for a moment, while both of his lovers watched him.

"I think I would like a little boy. I could teach him how to elegantly wield a long sword like Masamune, not simply swinging it around as you two do with your Buster Swords.
But only when he's old enough, of course. Maybe he will get as tall as I, even with Cloud being rather small. But even if he gets his height from Cloud, I can still teach him how to fight with style with a big weapon.
No one will dare to bother him, or come too near to him, to take advance of him or try to get into his pants just because he looks great!"

That he firmly believes that any child of them would look beautiful, no matter who it looks more alike, went without saying. His lovers are both very beautiful men themselves, after all.

"And if it's a girl?"

Without wanting it, a picture of Cloud with long hair and in a dress flashed through his mind.
It's moments like that that Sephiroth was grateful that he never was one to blush…

"Then we will get a very good security system for our house, with fierce guard-dogs, and an arsenal of weapons that surpass anything from ShinRa by far.
And anyone who dares even to glance at her the wrong way will find himself on the pointy end of my Masamune!
And we will have lots of space behind the house, just in case we need it, and there will be a shovel beside the front door waiting, and a high wall around the whole property.
I will not take any chances that something happens to my offspring!"

"But we don't even know if it's yours, yet! I could just as well be mine, too!" Zack pouted and wriggled into the chair beside Sephiroth.
Not that he cared a lot who of them actually fathered the child now growing inside their blond, since they would raise it together anyway. But he just wanted to say.

"All the more reason to keep my sword sharp and my eyes open, then. You are… rather social… and not really mature… And you don't always pay attention to what is going on around you…"
"Seph! That's not true! I absolutely resent that!"
Cloud giggled and petted his spiky hair with a crooning sound. "Poor, poor little puppy…"

"Resent that as much as you want, fact is that you sometimes act like an idiot on principle! You even proofed just moments ago how immature you can be, at your age!
What if your child will be the same as you? Hugging anyone and befriending anything that moves? That could be bad with a boy, but even worse for a girl.
Someone could take advance of her, and trick her into something she doesn't want to do!
Like talking with weird peoples, or going out and not coming home until the next morning.
Or accepting strange drinks in dark bars from shady peoples.
Or eating sweets with questionable contents.
Or following strangers into empty back alleys where no one hears her scream.
Or getting caught and used by scientists for their experiments.
Or getting kidnapped and sold as a sex slave to ugly old men.
Or-"

"Sephiroth!" Cloud finally interrupts his rambling. "Don't you think you overreact a little bit?"
"No, I don't! Just think about it, Cloud! You can't want something like that happen to your child! If it looks more like me, it can glare at peoples and scare them off, but if it looks more like you, Cloud? I see how people often look at you when your back is turned, and you are not always intimidating. What if our child is the same, or as irresponsible and immature as Zack?
As to oldest and most mature one it's my responsibility to keep it and you two safe and sound!"

"But that child is not even born, and we don't know who of you the father is."
But Sephiroth just brushed Cloud's argument away with a wave of his hand.
"That's not important! We need to move! We will find a nice, big house with a high wall around the garden, and an electrified fence, and cameras and guard dogs and heavy weapons…"

Zack leant over to whisper in Cloud's ear as their oldest lover went into planning mode, counting off more and more things he need to keep their child from getting kidnapped:
"Well, for Sephiroth's peace of mind and the safety of all the normal people around him I hope he is the father…"

The silver General ignored both of them for the moment in favor of planning for their future and how to keep the evil world away from their innocent little child…
He didn't even hear Zack's cellphone at first, so deep in thought he was.

Zack grinned over his whole face as he saw who it was, and he put their red-haired friend on speaker:

"Hey, Reno, guess what?"
*I don't know… You sent a bag of fleas to Lazard?*
"What? How do you…I mean, I would never… Well, okay, I would and I did, but that's not what I meant! Besides, that box was meant for Scarlet anyway, for being a bitch. No my fault if he opens it… Just makes you wonder how he got to her mail when I send it to her home address…"
*Then what do you mean?*
"We got our Chocobo pregnant!"
*Well, I'm surprised that didn't happen sooner, the way you are going at…*
"Reno, I'm warning you! As a friend I have to warn you not to talk like that about our Cloudy…"
*What? I'm only saying! I guess that means I can't join in on the fun anytime soon… Pity… I like his ass… Looks so firm and squeezable…* before Zack could say anything, a low, dangerous, steadily growing growl was heard.
Reno on the other side of the line blinked and shifted worried.

*Zack? Please don't tell me that Sephiroth heard what I just said. You didn't put me on speaker, did you?*
"Well, I did. And he heard you. But that growl just now isn't Sephy."
*What? But who else- No! Chocobos don't growl!*
"This one does!" Cloud cut in with another, even louder growl, while Sephiroth watched the scene in amusement.
He always thought that Cloud looked sexy when angry. Blushing cheeks, glittering eyes, snarling voice and all.
Makes you want to bounce on him and claim him right then and there…

"If you don't stop hitting on me I will hit you! With a car. I will hit you, run you over, set the car back and do it again. And again and again and again!
Then I scratch what little is left of you from the pavement, cut you to tiny little pieces and serve you as bird food in the stables. You know how much the Chocobos like worms as a snack, and the little chicks can't quite catch their own yet. I'm sure they will love you!" (1)

Reno went pale as he heard Clouds threat.
People always think that Sephiroth is the dangerous one out of the trio.
And while that is true most of the time, they severely underestimate Cloud.

Because the silver General would simply cut you up with Masamune if he wants you dead.
Zack would also cut you up, with his Buster sword. Or bash your head in with it, depending on his mood and how mad he is.
But Cloud?
Sweet little Cloud could be downright cruel if he's really angry with someone.

There are Rufus' cars exploding because of the fireworks put in the fuel tank.
There are office doors and windows bricked up to trap the peoples in there…
There are maps mysteriously changed to let Turks run in the wrong direction for days and miles.
There are mansions, doused with alcohol and fuel and burned to the ground.
There are crazy scientists beaten to death with their own clipboards.
There are alien bitches shoved into the core of a Mako-reactor.
And there are many other things happening whenever Cloud is unhappy with something.
Someone.
Whatever.

'That bastard Sephiroth doesn't do anything to stop his lover and keep us safe from him. And Zack even encourages him and give him tips how to make even more damage! And most of the time he stands by and cheers him on!'

*Cloud is still there? With you?* Reno finally asked with a tiny voice. Very careful, as if every loud word could set off the tiny blonde.
"Yeah, but only because he has to search for his pants first. So if you want to run, you better do it now."
*Oh yeah, now that you mention it, what place is the farthest away from here? I think I have a job there.* Reno hurried quickly.

With a shout of triumph Cloud finally found his pants and pulled them on.
"I'm going with you; I want to see that pervert redhead die." Sephiroth said calmly and rose from his seat as he handed Cloud his shirt.

*Yo man, I'm not the one with two lovers!*
"You know that Cloud just stormed out of the door, with an ax and Car keys, and is well on his way to you, Reno?"
*Damn it! Gotta go, man. Come and help me if you don't hear from me in the next 24 hours!*

Zack sat down on the Couch to laugh at the panic in the voice of oh-so-fearless Turk, while Sephiroth followed Cloud on his murder-the-pervert-mission.
"Have fun, you two…" he even called after them.

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End
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This is a One-Shot, but maybe, if I feel like it, I will write more. I already have ideas for at last one story more, but I promise nothing.
This is the first time that I write Final Fantasy, so I would like to know what you think about it. I know they are sort of OOC, but as I said, too much Fanfiction was my inspiration…

(1) You know, like chicken. I don't know if Chocobos eat only grass, or worms, too, but now they do…