'Twas night at the Mansion, and all through the House
Not a Smasher was stirring, not even the mouse.
Their Battles were done, and they had put away
Their swords for their rest, to fight the next day.
The Smashers were bold, an adventurous lot
With amazing battles that no one forgot
But one thing that sent chills down all of their spines
Were murderous Authors with their pithy lines.
And all of a sudden, they came all at once,
With pointed sticks and their Deux Ex Machineguns.
One came out of nowhere and said with a grin
And a twirl of his pen: "Let the Slash Wars begin!"
The Smashers stood up, weapons at the ready.
Some were quite sleepy, and none were too steady.
But even though they tried with all of their might
This was an opponent they just couldn't fight.
So let loose the Metroids and bring out the guns
Against the Authors and their punishing puns
Both parties struggled, to fight and defend
Which one was mightier, the sword or the pen
The stories came flying like a storm of hail
A few had ripped large holes through Toon Link's boat's sail.
Some were quite witty, though most were less kind,
And some had eccentric Smash-world/-verse design.
Bowser discovered his Clown Car was gone,
And they couldn't save all of the Pokémon.
They lost the Arwings and the Blue Falcon too:
Destroyed by an Author's errant Mary Sue.
Most ducked for cover from the bad rhyming lines,
While the forced syllables sounded just like landmines.
Game and Watch didn't hear them, idly he sat;
Excited Link/Marth fangirls trampled him flat.
The remaining Smashers then all took to their feet
Or paws or boats and beat a hasty retreat.
Zelda was whisp'ring as they dodged and ducked:
"Well then, now we're all really royallyin deep trouble."
So stick up your Stickers and set Handicaps
Remove Distant Planet from all of your maps
The Mansion's defenses all started to fail
And everything became a tad more surreal
Kirby was trapped in a Truth or Dare Fic.
Sonic was running, but sadly, he tripped.
Pikmin were drowning in Hanenbow's water
While Authors established their own new world order.
Most damage was dealt by the "Fics of Romance"
The Authors' greatest and primary offense
Even though it was found nowhere in canon
Victims were Mewtwo/Lucario, Roy/Ganon.
The memes were sent flying, furious and fast
Most of the Brawlers simply couldn't last.
Defense was in tatters, but worst of all,
A random OC just destroyed the Fourth Wall.
The Authors had started to turn on the heat
Edging the Smashers to certain defeat
But Falcon posed heroically and said
"I'll be back! …uh, maybe. Somehow." and he fled.
So tie up the Assists and bring the Alloys,
Authors having fun playing with their toys,
Master Hand ran out of patience and time:
"Your actions are devoid of rhyme or reason!"
And then Master Hand beat the narrator senseless and took control of the narrative, abandoning the rickety rhyming structure for something more coherent and less pretentious. Giant lasers shot forth from his gloved hand, sending Authors scattering back and breaking their ranks. For a moment there, it appeared that there might be hope yet, as Master Hand swept away the Authors with practiced ease. However, he failed to note that a single Author had crept up behind his wrist, unnoticed, unseen, dug up a plot hole and fired a beam, which hit its target (or so it would seem),
Producing provocative Mario/Peach scenes.
The Hand had now fallen, by Authors was smitten
Turning him into a rather cute kitten.
With Master's words turning out to be hot air,
The Smashers quickly returned to their despair.
But suddenly! with flashes blinding the eye!
Down from above descends – him! – Sakurai!
With a wave of his hand and a large puff of smoke
Everything the Authors did, he revoked.
He turned on the Authors, who cowered in fear –
And while the Smashers looked on, grinned and cheered –
Banished them all, for all the world to see.
…'Twas said they were sent to Reality.
So ban all the Items and stock up on Stock,
Keep all of those fanboys under key and lock.
They prayed to Sakurai, Smashers big and small,
And promised to go on strike come Smash Bros 4.
Hello. How have you been? It's been some time, hasn't it? -
This is to be read with a pinch of salt. I have no stance on pairings, and am not a fan of romance fics to begin with. I am, however, a fan of sarcastic parody, and will try to hone my skills in that direction. The Deus Ex Machinegun pun originated from sakuragawa, who used it in a memorable Death Note parody fic The Black Hole Sue of DOOM, involving Black Holes, Sues, and doom. This fic will be a collection of oneshots, experiments, random ideas and short storylines (not necessarily in that order). And as always, constructive criticism is always welcomed, more so than ever.
At the same time, those who like a more seriouz tone to their online readings, please feel free to head over to Smile for some of lupyne's awesome work on a collaboration we're doing together. Your feedback and brilliant theories will be very much appreciated! A link to the story and lupyne's profile and deviantART can be found on my profile page.