The first thing Boris did when he slipped into the book store restroom was to lock the door as quickly as he could. He turned round and took at the scene about him, which was not what he had expected. It was not really a public bathroom but just an old rusty toilet, a disgusting looking sink, and a smudged-up mirror. The place also smelled like old pipes and toilet with a faint trace of lemony air freshener that did little good in hiding the more powerful odors. As he lifted his eyes upward, he also noticed that the ceiling looked rather stained as well.
Sorta like home, Boris thought pleasantly after he had his fill of admiring interior design. Except that there were no bathrooms in Pottsylvania as cartoon characters have no need to go – at least not in older cartoons. They didn't even eat a whole lot in the Rocky and Bullwinkle show.
Anyway, situating himself upon the toilet cover and putting his old black fedora on his head for formality's sake, he took his communicator out of his disguise secret agent suit jacket and proceeded to call his "respected" superior.
There was a delayed moment or two before any reply came, and Boris found himself wondering how much time was really wasted with such "moment-or-two's"; whole episodes could fill up such time when added up, certainly. Then suddenly before him appeared in his communicator, Fearless Leader's face in full color and detailed to the utmost degree, and by the look on his face it was obvious that a few moments more before having to see it would not have been that bad.
"Fearless Leader, old buddy boy!" exclaimed Boris, a huge idiotic grin plastered all over his face.
"Boris Badenov, you nincompoop!"
Boris' face instantly fell, though he was not in the le last bit surprised by this greeting.
"Where have you been?" demanded Fearless Leader. "Why have you not brought the car back to the secret base? What are you doing? Do you want me to have you liquidated? Have you forgotten that I am not someone to be tested?"
"Which question first?" asked Boris regaining a hint of cheerfulness and shrugging nonchalantly.
"ALL OF THEM!" snapped Fearless Leader.
Boris chuckled nervously. "Well, see, Fearless Leader, that's what I was callingk you about. And you are never goingk to guess what I haf in car." He sang that last phrase in an enticingly teasing sort of way.
"Stop, this idiocy now!" commanded Fearless Leader. "Or you'll be lucky to be executed quickly rather than put through torture first."
Boris gulped and shrunk back involuntarily. "Is Moose and Squirrel!" he cried.
"Moose 'nd Squirrel are back in the Hypocritical Children's Media Studio, don't waste my time, nor try my intelligence!"
"No! No! Really! Fearless Leader, listen!" Boris begged, really not liking the idea of being dragged back to the secret base and tortured. He leapt off the toilet and unlocked the door.
"Badenov!" snarled Fearless Leader. "What are you doing?"
Instead of answering, he ran as fast as he could through the bookstore (practically knocking a whole rack of magazines onto the floor) and out the other side where he thrust his communicator into the direction of Rocky, Bullwinkle, and Natasha dressed as Agent Shocker.
"Moose and Squirrel!" Boris insisted, as a guy with a loose Vikings footbal jacket walked past, eyeing Boris strangely and avoiding being in close proximity before entering the hardware store right next to the bookstore. Boris shook the communicator roughly.
"Hold it still!" demanded Fearless Leader. "Let me see."
Boris did this and as Fearless Leader took in the sweet little scene of Rocky and Bullwinkle with ice cream treats and Natasha not far off pretending to be interested in what they were saying, he was sickened.
"Badenov!" he snapped. "What did you do?"
Instantly Boris remembered about cover and looked about him at the pedestrians eyeing him suspiciously – actually they were just looking at him like he was some kind of kook, but it did not really matter. He slunk through a narrow space between the book and hardware stores and walked along it through the broken glass and cigarette butts until he made it to the alley where the impatient Fearless Leader repeated his question.
"I did nothingk!" snapped Boris, hunkered down behind a dumpster. "I did whut any self-respecting spy of Pottsylvania would do, Fearless Leader! I lied, cheated, and broke a lot of American laws, tha's what!"
Fearless Leader smiled. That was always worse than his scowl. "Oh!" he said. "So filling up the car was too much for you, eh, Badenov?"
"I saw Moose and Squirrel wanderingk around all stupid, Fearless Leader; what else was I supposed to do? Besides I fill up car too! And you haf Moose and Squirrel as extra bonus!"
"I don't want Moose or Squirrel!" snapped Fearless Leader.
Boris frowned. "Well, neither do I, Fearless Leader; that's the idea! I gif 'em to you. You get rid off 'em again, right?"
"Oh, so I just kill them both now!" exclaimed Boris excitedly. He was already pulling a deadly weapon from out some pocket.
"You idiot!" shouted Fearless Leader. "I don't want them at all. That's why I put them where they could never bother us again! Capturing them and bringing them here will only get them involved. They'll ruin everything! We might as well just hand everything over to them right now!"
"Fearless Leader!" said Boris admonishingly, "how can you say that? Is only-"
"I want you to shut up! The answer is 'no', Badenov! I want you back here, now! Without Moose and Squirrel! I-"
Suddenly Fearless Leader's ranting ceased and the vile villain's eyes narrowed strangely as a sudden thought occurred to him. Boris held his breath as he waited to hear what revelation his superior had, and hoped it was something in his favor. He clasped his hands together around his communicator with great anticipation.
Another smile appeared on Fearless Leader's face, except this time it was slower and scarier and gave the author the shivers – oh, and Boris too, I wouldn't wonder.
"On second thought . . ." said Fearless Leader carefully.
Boris felt a bit uneasy, but he perked up in spite of himself.
"On second thought, Badenov, bring them here."
"Really, Fearless Leader?" asked Boris stepping forward a few paces as if he were closing a gap between himself and his leader.
"Sure," his superior said with a nod. "After all, why not take advantage of the fact that you have them now in your possession."
Boris's ill ease dissipated quickly, knowing now that Fearless Leader's sinister scheming face was meant for the enemy and not for him.
"Yes! We smash Moose ; we squash Squirrel!" At "smash" he clasp one hand hard against his communicator and at "squash" he stamped his foot passionately upon the broken-up blacktop, squishing an imaginary victim into the ground.
Fearless Leader let out a slight laugh.
"They'll be gone forever!" said Boris. "Kaput!" He now laughed himself. "After all, we ain't in cartoon, like I said!"
"Once you get here, Badenov, our troubles will be over," Fearless Leader said to the little man for reassurance and to keep him from talking more – Boris who was too excited to notice I called him "little".
"Yes, Fearless Leader! Yes!" Boris cried.
"Yes, Fearless Lea-uh! What?" Boris was confused. "Why tomorrow? What am I s'posed to do with them until then?"
"I need to get things prepared for your arrival," Fearless Leader explained. "Also, I've other pressing matters at hand. Remember, I'm taking over the world and all that."
"I'll keep in touch," Boris promised.
"Just make sure you're here early tomorrow."
"As early as morning executions in Pottsylvania, Fearless Leader!" Boris promised.
But Fearless Leader was already gone.
Boris shrugged. It was just as well.
Thus taking off his signature hat, Boris slipped back to Natasha and his oblivious prisoners. However, when he got to the bench where he had left them, only Natasha could be seen.
"W-w-" Boris stuttered in disbelief.
Natasha looked up; confusion littering her face.
"Where is Moose and Squirrel? You stupid girl!" snarled Boris, absolutely red with rage.
"It's not nice to call people names, y'know."
All previous color vanished from Boris's face, and his dark eyes grew into tennis balls in their eye sockets. Spinning round, he almost fell over on the spot upon seeing Moose and Squirrel behind him. His eyes narrowed.
"Where you been?" he demanded. "Don't you know you can't go runningk off?"
"We didn't mean to scare you, Agent Boristowski," said Rocky.
Boris laughed. "Who's scared? Silly, Squirrel. We're wasting time. Get in car."
"Oh, and we got you an ice cream soda," said Bullwinkle.
"Oh, you shouldn't haf," exclaimed Boris with false gratitude that even the simplest nincompoop could have detected. He unwillingly took the Styrofoam cup that was offered to him; afterwards he pushed the 60's cartoon type heroes as quickly as he could into the automobile and dragged Natasha to the passenger seat, right after disposing of his ice cream in the nearest waste reciprocal.
"You really shouldn't haf," muttered Boris as he climbed into the front seat of the car. His mind all the while, as he started up the car and began to drive away, was going over all the sinister things he could do to Moose and Squirrel if he was not to bring them to Fearless Leader alive tomorrow. He could poison their ice creams, though that was such a simple mode of annihilation. He could say he had to go the bathroom on the side of a very large hill, get out of the car and let it roll down, miss the turn, and crash into a huge slab of glacial waste of mounded rock and dirt that was so common in these parts. The four of them could stay at a motel and Boris could sabotage the room of Moose and Squirrel with a series of booby traps to get them in the middle of the night. He could lead them to a brewery and drown them in a vat of beer after pushing them over some safety bar or other. He could give each a pair of remote control shoes and make them walk right off a cliff. He could-
"Boris darlingk," whispered Natasha. "What did Fearless Leader say?"
"Not now," Boris hissed back. "We stop at hotel later; then we talk."
"Hotel?" asked Natasha.
Boris cleared his throat. "Moose, Squirrel," he said in a sickeningly friendly voice. "There's been change of plans. Spies- eh, I mean agents, other CIA members, have informed us that Fearless Leader is missingk. We'll have to spend night here until further orders."
"Do you think Karen Sympathy will be able to help us?" asked Rocky.
"No, Squirrel, she's in Texas, remember?"
"But we were told that Agent Sympathy would meet us. Why isn't she here?" Rocky wanted to know.
"We'll meet her later, darlingk," said Natasha quickly.
Boris nodded. "Yes! Tomorrow she will help us catch Fearless Leader. That's who I was talkingk to, of course."
"Did you say 'hi' for us and ask her how her relationship with Ole's going?" asked Bullwinkle.
"They broke up," explained Boris with a grin. "Ole wanted to move to Alexandria, Minnesota and Karen don't like Midwestern touristy atmosphere."
"Aw, that's awful," said Rocky.
Boris could not resist a laugh. "Isn't it though? I just love it when relationships go wrongk over petty thingks!"
Rocky and Bullwinkle looked at each other with a little uncertainty, but they soon forgot about it as Bullwinkle said with much perplexity, "What's wrong with Minnesota?"