Hola chicos!

I wrote this one a LONG time ago. Actually it was the first fanfiction I ever wrote, but I was a total loser and too scared to put it out there. It's a Carlisle one because I lurve him SO much. It's a four part one-shot and complete so I'll upload the other parts every day or every other day. Won't have to wait too long for this one!

Hope you enjoy!

Willingly, I Take Whatever You Have to Give

Chapter 1 - Our Present

The fierce sting of the hard metal tore through the air. A sound that one could never imagine; well, a human could never imagine. There was something much more sinister about how fast a vampire hand swinging an object through the air could be than that of the molasses paced human's efforts. But when that swing, that object, that . . . motivation was to scar the recipient, there was no greater pain.

And I knew pain.

Pain was my only solace in this life, but it was also his only solace as well.

It took a lot to hurt a vampire, but even more to scar one. The blows, the cuts, the burns, they would kill any mere mortal. But I was immortal and therefore my suffering was distinct.

An ominous, deeply, ferocious growl behind me stirred me from my inner thoughts. He didn't find it the slightest bit amusing that I was able to escape my punishments. His punishments. The wrought iron that he firmly gripped lashed quicker and in consecutive repetition at my bare back. I yelped out in pure agony as my spine vibrated, causing my entire body to quake against the bolder I was laid across.

As the lashes continued, deeper and deeper, each one more painful than the last, I felt a warm stream of wetness across my back from where I was exposed to him. Vampires did not bleed and it felt as if the warm wetness fell from above me, from him. The warm wetness fell as if it was a small rain, but we were indoors.


They were his tears.

I have never cried. It was believed that vampires could not cry, but I have seen him cry before. This, and this alone, has become my salvation. My glimmer of hope. The pain, the immense pain, that he must be going through to physically produce tears, something that no other of our kind can, was an even worse form of torture. His tears were always silent; he was always silent.

He would refuse any the right to know him or his pains. He refused himself the right to know what charred his very soul. This was why he would no longer face me for our punishments, and I think I prefer it that way. I could take whatever physical torture he inflicted upon me, but the sight of him broken and lost was an agony worse than any describable. One that I cared never to know.

Another dark zip, so glacial that I felt the burn of its pain long before the beam tore through my undead flesh, screamed through the air. The extreme impact of it told me that this would be his final blow.

"Leave my sight," he spat darkly, as he pushed with his leg at my withered body from on top the bolder.

Crawling and broken on the floor, I squirmed for the exit and hasted to my feet. I ran as quickly as my destroyed body could take me. Once in my room I shut the door just as I heard the vicious slam of another door.

He was leaving to hunt.

I went to the bathroom and stared silently at the mirror above the sink, the one that bore no reflection. I wondered what I would see looking back at me . . . who I would see. A picture of myself before my transformation flashed in my mind. A young woman with wavy caramel tresses, sparkling blue eyes, and a heart shaped face smiled lovingly at me. She was so different. I wondered if she matched the woman in the mirror now. Would I recognize this woman?

"She is beautiful," a velvet voice sang from behind me. I turned and looked into his compassionate and loving golden eyes.

"Edward," I quaked. "You shouldn't sneak up behind me, not after I . . . ."

He tilted his disarrayed copper head at me, and I attempted a smile. Leaning against the frame of the door to my bathroom, he ran his left hand through his bronzed wilderness before resting it across his chest with the other, over his blue sweater. There was something always collected and calm about Edward, even when I knew that he was tortured inside. He held a regally beautiful air about him and I hoped that he could one day find the happiness that he deserved. He softly smirked at me as I stood in front of the mirror. I turned back to face the sink.

"You shouldn't get lost in your thoughts so vividly that you forget your bearing. You are the only vampire I know that can forget about the entire world around her. How you have managed not to be discovered all these years is beyond me." The sweet baritone of his voice always calmed my nerves and eased the ache in my soul.

"I have to escape in my thoughts, as you . . . ." I sighed.

Within the blink of a human eye he had closed the distance between us, and I felt the strong pull of his two cold arms as they wrapped a soft towel around my quivering naked body from behind. I felt the compassion in his embrace, and I wished even more for his happiness then. He was such a noble creature, even though he did not believe it. I grabbed the ends and pulled the towel tighter. He placed a chaste kiss on my delicate shoulder before withdrawing.

I turned around, but he was gone. Off to my right I heard the water of the bath running.

"Esme, you cannot continue to live in this manner. You deserve better as well. She, the woman you so longingly search for in the mirror, deserves better. How can you continue to condemn yourself to such a fate? Please leave with me. We could go tonight, before he returns. He would never search for you. You know that he wants us to leave. I hear it all the time in his thoughts. His mind voices daily his desire to return and find you gone, wondering if this beating will be the one that sends you over and makes you leave him. We can be happy, could begin a new life," Edward pleaded, in front of me once more.

I knew Carlisle wished I left. But I could never leave him.

"Damn it Esme!" Edward yelled as he threw his hands in the air. "Stop thinking that!"

"I'm sorry but your hopes a worthless Edward. I won't leave him. I am all that he has. This is all my fault. I can never leave Carlisle." I walked up to Edward as I withdrew my left hand from underneath the towel and cupped his face gently.

I knew Edward cared deeply for me. He loved me as his mother. I imagined that if my son had survived he would be something like Edward. I knew that it destroyed him to watch me suffer. But the truth was that Edward understood nothing of my suffering. He may have been an older vampire than me, but the fact of the matter was, he was still but a young man of seventeen. He was a child.

Edward could never understand my reasoning and the ways of the world; experiences that only life could teach you and Edward had yet to live. He may have known Carlisle longer than I, but he had no known Carlisle like I had.

Gently tugging his chin, I gave a week and loving smile as I let go. My tender eyes pleaded with him silently. Placing my left hand back under the soft white towel, I turned to head toward the bath.

"I may not understand your reasons Esme, but you are wrong. I know Carlisle, and that . . . THAT is not Carlisle."

Without turning back, I stopped briefly and grabbed the towel tighter as I took an unnecessary and heavy breath. Good night Edward. Please don't worry on my behalf. I hate that our pain hurts you as well.

I continued walking through the bathroom to the back as I heard Edward slam the door, cursing so quietly that a human would have missed it. But I hadn't.


A warm bath was something I reveled in, a small pleasure that I still afforded myself. After my daily beating I welcomed the soothing nature and the ability to lose myself in thought. Unlike humans, I could spend countless hours in the water and never worry about what effects it would have on my skin. But better still, was the chance to stay underwater without breathing.

It was the most serene experience I have ever had. I was able to think freely there, somehow being submerged under the water diluted Edward's ability to read my mind. It was quite the discovery when we first realized it. He ran into the bathroom that day, fearing the worst – but still knowing a vampire could never drown – because he had lost the voice of my thoughts in his head. He had never been able to not read someone's mind and so when he lost track of mine for some hours he grew terrified at what might have happened.

It was in my history to try to end my life, and I have always known that deep down Edward feared that I would try to end it once again. But he just doesn't understand. Underneath the warm water was my refuge from everything. And hours passed in this refuge of mine as I ran my hands softly across my beaten and broken body. Under the bubbled, I thought about my life.

Thanks for reading!