Thanks to susayq for betaing and obsmama for pre-reading. I love you girls! This was an entry for the All Hallows Eve contest. It didn't win, but it will definitely give you some laughs!

7 Minutes in Heaven

Stephanie Meyer owns everything to do with this.

~Edward~

"Edward, quit being such a fucking pansy. There is more to life than screwing around on that piano; playing by yourself, with yourself. Your shift ends in a few hours. There is no reason why you can't make it to the party. Fuck, if you don't feel like dressing up, then just come in your uniform. Chicks dig that shit," Emmett said, as he stood in the locker room in his tightie whities, giving me shit.

"Alright, you ugly bastard, but only because I haven't seen Rose in awhile."

"Hells yeah!" he shouted.

Emmett and I were police officers with the Cleveland Police Department. We met during our time in the academy, and he had been busting my balls ever since. He was a good guy, just somewhat crude and a bit loud. He balanced out my neat-freakness and the stringent schedule that I set for myself. He was right, I needed to let the fuck loose once in awhile.

He lived with Rosalie, his girlfriend of like forever. She was awesome. She kept Emmett in line, and he turned into a puddle of kiss ass whenever he was around her. He was pussy whipped for sure. She seemed tough on the outside, but once you got to know her she was less scary, and pretty cool.

She worked at the Cleveland Clinic as a surgical nurse. She was Emmett's nurse during his hernia surgery. It was kind of ironic that she so readily agreed to go out with him after she assisted in a surgery that took place below the belt. Hung or not, they were great together.

"What about you, Whitlock? Think you can actually bring yourself to hang with us Yankees?" Emmett did not play favorites when busting balls.

"Yeah, if I have to go then so do you!" I said to him, with a hard pat on the shoulder. Jasper was a pretty laid back dude. I could tell he was mulling it over.

"Uh, sure. I'll hang out with y'all."

Jasper was a new recruit from Texas. He followed a girlfriend to Cleveland, and fell in love with the seasons and the city, but out of love with her. He stayed, and she went back home.

"Awesome. If nothing else, you dip-shits can hang out together. There will probably be a nice array of chicks there, but I know you fuck sticks have no game." Emmett was doubled over with laughter. He obviously thought he was hilarious, even if no one else was laughing along with him. "Dude, you can totally go as yourself too. If you can't get laid sporting that cowboy hat and those boots, you're half a fag."

Instead of playing on the force's gazillion recreational sports teams, I chose to relax by playing the piano. Not that I was ashamed or anything, it just wasn't something I was going to readily share. It was just too bad that Emmett, the fuck head, decided to come over unannounced one day. I was a planner, and it was my planned playing time, not my planned have Emmett over to fart on my furniture time.

So what if music calmed me down? Being a cop was a stressful job. The economy had hit Cleveland hard, and the crime rate was starting to climb. Not to mention, there was no current hope for any of the sports teams at the moment; so instead of getting more frustrated, I chose to focus on playing my music.

Emmett and Rosalie were having their first annual Halloween party. Ya-fucking-hoo. I mean, I liked Halloween fine, but dressing up as an adult seemed crazy to me. I would never admit it, but I would have much rather stayed home handing out candy.

I had absolutely no idea what to dress up as. I had like three hours to put something together. I refused to go as a police officer. I was supposed to dress up in a costume, and my uniform was for real.

The only bright spot was that my sister, Alice, was going to be there. She worked at the hospital with Rose as a children's counselor. It was her job to explain to children what to expect during their surgery and hospital stay. It was a perfect job for her seeing as she still totally reminded me of a kid herself.

With Alice came my parents. My mother, Esme, was going through some sort of mid life crisis. She counted on Alice to keep her out of her funk, as she called it. Whatever Alice wore, my mother tried to copy. Wherever Alice went, my mother forced my father to go. Alice loved it, and so did my parents. It got Alice's mind off of her ever ticking 'clock', and Esme's mind off of the fact that her 'clock' had stopped ticking.

Carlisle, my dad, was a surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic. He was very laid back, which explained how he spent so much of his free time with my high strung mom and sister. We were all close, but the girls were a lot to deal with at times. I could only imagine what they were going to dress up as. I originally told them I wasn't going because I had to work. I refused to dress up as one of The Village People, and work...well...worked as an excuse.

I didn't bother to stop at the store on my way home. I figured by now the stores already had out their Christmas decorations, and short of dressing up as Santa or an elf, I was shit out of luck. I wasn't going to stress about it. Emmett would be happy that I merely showed up, but I had to find something, haphazard or not, so Rose didn't kick my ass.

I neatly ruffled through my drawers searching for some sort of costume, or at least something halfway festive, but came up empty. I was starting to stress out, and decided to at least get my shower out of the way. As I stood in the steamy water, my mind wandered to the party itself. I knew there would be available girls, though I was pretty sure I knew all of them. There would be at least two begging to play a game of cops and robbers. One night stands just weren't my thing anymore. Been there, done a lot of that, and neither one of them peaked my interest as any more than a night of fun.

As I stepped out of the shower, I blindly grabbed for a towel, but instead was met with something a little thinner, and not so absorbent. I shook the water out of my eyes and saw that it was a brand new set of scrubs. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Alice had been in my house. She was a sneaky little thing. It was if she knew that I was going to end up at the party, and in desperate need of a costume.

I threw on the scrubs, and thought I looked damn good as a doctor. My father was going to be so proud that he'd finally be able to see me as one, if only for a night. I massaged some product into my hair, and headed to what was sure to be a juvenile as hell Halloween party.

There were a crazy number of cars lining Emmett and Rose's street when I arrived. As I got closer and closer to the house, I could hear that the party was in full swing. It was one of the many benefits of being a cop. No one was going to fuck with his party.

I started to get a little nervous, as I could only imagine what my mother was going to look like. She had no shame when it came to having a good time. All of my friends just loved her, and I even heard a couple of MILF comments when they thought I wasn't listening. I took a deep breath and walked in the door.

The whole first floor was crowded with wall to wall people. There was a whole group of people bobbing for apples out of a humungous tub in one corner, and what looked like pin the penis on the witch in the other. It took a couple minutes of staring before I realized that the penis was actually supposed to be a nose.

I was relieved it was crowded because I figured I could easily blend in unnoticed. I cringed as I immediately heard my sister yell my name. The next thing I knew she had jumped on me, engulfing me in a huge ass bear hug. I had no idea how the fuck she was so strong. She nearly collapsed my lung from the pressure of it.

"Edward, you came," she said, as she looked me up and down with a wink. "I just knew you would."

"Of course you did." I swore the girl was psychic.

"Have you seen Mom and Dad yet?"

"Um, Al? You just saw me walk in."

"Oh, yeah," she giggled. "It must be the mind erasers I've been doing. No wonder why those shots are called that. Well, they're not hard to miss."

I finally noticed what Alice was dressed as, and it was a little surprising. I never really took her for the country type, yet she was a full blown cowgirl, down to the spurs on her boots. Well, I guess a fashionista version of a cowgirl. Her denim skirt probably cost almost as much as a real horse. She was sporting a bandana tied loosely around her neck, a checkered shirt that I thought should be buttoned up higher and maybe a little less form fitting, and a stylish cowboy hat.

She was glaring at me, obviously waiting for me to comment on her outfit. "Where did you get the buckle?" I asked as I stared at the big piece of metal at her waist.

"The Buckle."

"Yeah, the buckle." She wasn't kidding with the mind erasers apparently.

"The Buckle, Edward. It's a store. Duh! Don't you just love my hat? I got it at the Kenney Chesney concert. That man makes me shiver, and want to do things to him in his old blue chair. Um, um good."

She was fucking serious. "Great, Alice. You look...um...like a stylish cowgirl."

Before she could respond, I heard some commotion from behind us. I turned around and wished I could crawl under a fucking rock and die. Dog the fucking Bounty Hunter and his trashy wife, Beth, were tackling an unsuspecting party goer. Beth was straddling the poor guy and pointing a fake nail in his face. Dog was ogling her ass, and I could see his hand twitching, as he thought about smacking it.

"Ladies and gentleman, Dog the Bounty Hunter and Beth Cullen!" Alice exclaimed from behind me.

The entire room started clapping as my mother helped the tackled guy onto his feet. Without a thought, she smacked him on the ass, and he quickly moved away from her. I could feel myself starting to sweat and was sure that I had turned bright red.

"Son, did you know it was us?" My father was dead serious.

"Well, I saw mom's tattoo and figured out it was you by default." My entire family had matching tattoos. It was the Cullen family crest. Mine was in-between my shoulder blades, Alice's was on her foot, my mom's was on her shoulder, and my dad's was on his bicep.

I took a look at my father and was pretty amazed that Alice could pull something off so well. I mean Carlisle had hair extensions and a fake goatee, for crying out loud. My mother's outfit made me a little uncomfortable. She had tight as hell black pleather leggings on with a bright pink low cut v-neck tank top. Her tits were totally hanging out. I guess that was the point when you spend $7,500 bucks on something. Her hair was huge...and almost white, it was so bleached out.

Out of nowhere, Esme started to introduce me to her posse, as she called them. She was stone cold serious about their roles, and it took everything I had not to remind her that she was at a costume party.

"Yee haw!" Alice exclaimed all of a sudden.

"Fuck yeah," Esme cheered.

I looked over to see Rose bringing us a whole tray full of what must have been the mind erasers. She, of course, was dressed as a cheerleader, but also had a homecoming queen sash draped around her body, along with a crown on her head. She was hot, and no one thought so more than her.

We did our shots, and I was hoping that they would indeed erase my memory. I said I had to take a piss, and left them to go find Emmett. It took some work to make it down to his man cave, but I finally managed.

"Em?"

"Over here," he answered from behind the bar.

When he stood up I wasn't the least bit surprised when I saw his costume. He was the football player, to Rose's cheerleader.

"Nice sash, dude. That crown is fucking epic too." It was my turn to bust balls.

"Rose promised if I wore them, she'd make me feel like a real king later," he had the goofiest grin on his face as his mind drifted to sex. "My girl has mad skills, dude."

"So did Jasper show up yet?" I was hoping he was there somewhere.

"I have no idea. I was sent down here to get all this shit." He gestured to a bunch of huge bowls that were all covered and labeled. "Let's get moving before Rose starts freaking out," he said as he started handing me bowls.

I stacked as many up as I possibly could and headed back upstairs. As we appeared in Alice's view, she pointed us in the direction of a card table that was against the wall. There was already so much food; I wondered who else she expected to show up.

As if on cue, the doorbell rang. One of my mother's posse members opened it and I was relieved to see Jasper standing there. There was a girl with him that literally took my breath away. My eyes were frozen on Jaspers girlfriend. I totally had to get myself in check. It was fucking rude to ogle my buddy's girlfriend like that. Alice was by my side in an instant. She was muttering to herself like a crazy woman, and I could barely make out anything that made sense. I followed her gaze, which was locked in on Jasper.

I elbowed her just hard enough to make her tear her eyes away from him. We were both drawn to the striking couple. So much so, that we remained glued to our spots, unable to function. Jasper was in full out cowboy gear, to include a bandana that he must have added once he got home from work. The girl next to him was dressed in the hottest little nurse outfit I had ever seen. Her hair was pulled away from her face and hung in loose waves down her back. She was incredible. Jasper was a lucky fucker.

"Bella! You made it," Alice shouted at the naughty nurse.

I was totally confused and shocked as hell that my sister knew Jasper's girlfriend. Alice ran over to her and pulled her in for a hug. Bella met my eyes as she grimaced from the force of Alice's hug.

"And you are?" she asked Jasper as she held out her hand.

"Hey, man. Glad you could make it," I said to Jasper, as I eyed his woman. I just couldn't seem to help myself. No matter how hard I tired, I just couldn't pull my eyes away from her.

Alice cleared her throat next to me. "Oh, sorry. Jasper, this is my sister, Alice."

"It's a pleasure to meet you," he said as he grabbed her hand and placed a kiss on it.

I swore he laid on the accent extra thick. I watched him look my sister up and down, and realized that I was pissed he was being so rude to his girlfriend, instead of at the fact he was undressing my sister with his eyes.

"Bella, this is my brother, Edward. Bella and I do some work together at the hospital."

Alice turned to look at me because I was incapable of functioning. I was staring at them with my mouth hanging open, which quickly turned into a shit eating grin.

"Hello, Bella. It's nice to meet you. Did you meet my friend, Jasper?"

"Well, not officially." She introduced herself to him, and then looked at me shyly. I could see her cheeks blush a light pink.

I had never been so grateful of my sister's forwardness as I was at that moment. She asked Jasper if he could help her with something and led him away from us. "Edward, make Bella comfortable until the games begin." And just like that, I wanted to choke her. I also had no idea what the hell kind of games she was talking about.

Bella and I made small talk and I felt myself invading her personal space time and time again. Rose came by with the tray of shots, and a smirk. We both reached for one at the same time, and I felt the buzz of electricity pass through my body. I had never had such a strong reaction to a person in my entire life.

We each did a couple of the shots, when my mother's infamous whistle silenced the party.

"Alright fugitives, it's time to get this party started. Dog, get your sweet self over here."

When my father reached his wife, they did a chest bump, which nearly sent him flying through the air. I watched in horror as my mother readjusted her 'girls' and noticed that my father was now standing at attention...and I don't mean saluting the flag. He was saluting something all right, and that was my mother. Fuck my life.

Bella giggled beside me. "Edward, they are hilarious."

"How did you know they were mine?"

"Well, first of all, the fact that you're practically pulling your hair out, and secondly, we all had lunch together last week. Your mom came to visit us at the hospital. She pretty much insisted that I wear this outfit. In fact, Alice demanded it also."

We looked at each other and shook our heads in laughter. I was the doctor to her nurse. Before we could let them know we had their intentions figured out, the entire party was forming a single file line along the table. The posse members were making sure everyone was lining up according to my mother's instructions.

"Listen up, you cowards. Now is the time to prove yourselves. You are to walk up to the table, do a shot, and then continue down the line examining the exhibits. Write down your answers, bob for an apple in the pucker bucket, and then limbo your way into the living room for the dance party. Get moving. Move it, move it, move it."

I looked around and noticed that everyone was stifling laughter that they were too scared to let out. The situation was hilariously scary. Bella was in line in front of me and couldn't stop myself from staring at her fabulous long legs. Her skirt was so short; I let myself imagine what the swell of her ass would look like if she bent over. My mind went to her actually bending over, and I felt my cock begin to swell.

Fuck, I was in line to play a game that my mother and sister were in charge of while sporting wood. The line was moving quickly, and as Bella did her shot, I heard her gasp and then grimace as she looked at the first exhibit. I peeked over her shoulder to see disgusting looking spaghetti noodles covered in a green slimy substance, mixed with red sauce. It was labeled 'Mutt's Guts'. The object of the game was to guess what type of foods had been used for the display. It was disturbing on so many levels.

The next few required a blindfold. You had to cover your eyes and feel around the bowl, thus trying to guess what was inside. As I saw Bella tentatively pick up the blindfold and begin to place it over her eyes, I noticed her sway a bit. I quickly grabbed her shoulders to steady her, and she readily leaned into me. I let my inhibitions go, as I nuzzled her neck. She smelled so fucking good; I couldn't help but want to eat her, despite all of the disgusting food in front of me.

I moved my hands to her waist as we made our way through the line. It was as if we were the only ones at the party. I reluctantly bobbed for an apple, and quickly realized what all the hype was. They were floating in apple pucker. Bella looked nervous when it was her turn to limbo, but she looked over her shoulder at me seductively and shimmied under the pole. My mind drifted to the dark side, as I hoped she could shimmy on my pole sometime soon.

I pretty much walked around the limbo pole, much to the dismay of the posse, but they knew better than to screw with their boss's son. The living room was set up as a make-shift dance club. There were strobe lights with all sorts of Halloween decorations and a disco ball. It was totally cliché to hear Michael Jackson's Thriller blasting through the speakers.

I noticed that my sister and Jasper were flailing around the room doing a country-western line dance. I really felt like I didn't know my sister at all. I noticed Emmett and Rose in the corner. It was typical, he was trying to grope her, and she was smacking him. I felt faint as I saw my mother straddling my father on the love seat. She was bouncing up and down, and he was grinning like a kid in a candy store. The worst part about it was that she had a posse member on each side...watching.

As much as I wanted to dance with Bella, even if it was to Thriller, I needed to get very very far away from them before I was ruined for life. I grabbed her hand and pulled her toward the first door I saw, which happened to be the bathroom. She looked surprised, but as she glanced over to my parents, I could tell she understood.

Thankfully the bathroom was unoccupied. As she followed me inside, her foot got stuck on the rug and she tumbled into my waiting arms. Our eyes locked and I couldn't resist her plump lips anymore. I attacked them with fervor, and she responded with a passion of her own. We made-out like teenagers, with me leaning against the bathroom wall.

I snaked my arms around her, and lifted her up onto the counter. Her legs instinctively wrapped around my waist. She had her hands in my hair, gently tugging, and I heard a moan escape from her mouth. She was so fucking incredible.

My hands inched up to her chest, and I began massaging her breasts over her costume. I was totally 'copping' a feel. I chuckled to myself at my lame as cop joke, and started to kiss her neck down to her collarbone. I was getting nothing but encouragement from her as she tightened her grasp around my waist. I made my way further down and started kissing my way inside her shirt. I released her breasts from their confinement and took a perfect pink nipple into my mouth, while fondling the other one with my hand.

She started to buck her hips to create a nice friction, and I ground my erection against her. I desperately longed to play doctor with my nurse. The intensity of our passion was insane. Our bodies were in perfect sync with one another's, and I had never felt so at home.

Bringing us right out of our passion induced haze was a loud voice that seemed to be coming from a megaphone. My mother was announcing the winners of the game. Nothing could kill a boner faster than my mother calling out my name while I was going at it with a hot girl. I pulled away from Bella, and she rearranged her costume. I helped her off of the counter, and with one last kiss we exited the bathroom.

"Edward Cullen, where are you? Show yourself or I am going to bounty hunt you down."

When I looked at Esme, something was amiss. Namely her low cut tank top. Peeking out of the top to say hello was one of her large nipples.

I made my way over to her as fast as possible. "Mom," I whispered.

"Yes, Edward?" she yelled into the megaphone.

I motioned to her chest with my head. "Oh, dear. Carlisle, look who's popping out to say hello again! I think she misses you!"

Fuckin-A. My parents were seriously freaks. "Mom, focus!"

"Okay, Edward. Geez. I am proud to announce that you are co-winner of the name that food game. As your prize you are granted access to the master bedroom closet, for a game of 7 Minutes in Heaven with the other winner, Ms. Isabella Swan. Bella, Edward, Congratulations!" she said with a wink. "My boys will lead the way."

The posse surrounded us like body guards, as they led us to the closet. I couldn't believe my luck, yet I was sure my mother had something to do with it.

"Doctor, I'm looking forward to assisting with your surgical instruments." Bella was smiling at me flirtatiously.

Halloween was my new favorite holiday; just as nursing was now my favorite occupation.

The closing of the closet door was the most wonderful sound I had ever heard, as it drowned out the sound of my mother's megaphone. It was definitely time to have Bella assist me with my hard and throbbing instruments.

A/N: Yes….another funny o/s…I just love Esme! So…my other o/s Septic Love is up for Simply the Best of 2010! Please vote at www(dot)twificone(dot)com

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