Sui: Well, here is chapter two. I hope I lived up to the first chapter. Writting humor isn't my strong suit, so I hope this makes you laugh. This chapter also shows a bit of the more serious side of Naruto again in his fight with Tsunade. As for Samehada's new name, that is actually a bit of a play on Japaneese mythology. A Yuki-Onna is a snow spirit that draws in men with her beauty. Yuki-Onna means, litteraly translated, snow woman. Kirijosei means mist woman and is a play on Yuki-Onna. Also, remember, the first chapter belongs to obisdian dreamer, not me.
Disclaimer: If you think I own Naruto, you haven't seen how rediculous the newest chapter is. Seriously, super-powering Madara even more than he already is and giving him an army of over 100,000 plus some of the most powerful characters in the series?
Anyway, on with the show. 3... 2... 1... Action!
Naruto and Jiraiya stood at the edge of a cliff that overlooked a bustling city that had the ruins of a large castle being cleared away in the distance.
"Welcome to Tanzaku Gai." Jiraiya said, glancing at Naruto and taking notice of the hideous creature sitting on Naruto's shoulder growling at him again.
"Now, Kirijosei, I told you, no growling at Ero-Sennin." Naruto admonished the spiky creature, which immediately settled down and began to preen itself. At least that's what Jiraiya thought it was doing, it was hard to tell considering that it looked pretty much a small blue spiky blob with a thin neck supporting a round spiky head sticking out of one side and a short tail reminiscent of it's handle in sword form sticking out the other.
"Anyway, my sources say that Tsunade-Hime was headed this way and if she passed by Tanzaku Gai, then I guarantee that she stopped in for at least awhile." Jiraiya said, stepping away from his apprentice as the creature on his shoulder began to purr. "Remember, we're looking for a chesty blond who likes to gamble. Now, I'm off to, uh, go look for Tsunade. Yeah, that's it." Jiraiya dashed away, a perverted grin on his face.
"Looks like we're on our own." Naruto said to the transformed blade sitting on his shoulder before setting off down the street, wondering which of the numerous busty blonds on the street was Tsunade.
"So you failed to collect the Kyuubi container?" The shadowy leader of Akatsuki asked.
"Yes." Itachi stoically replied.
"And he escaped, after insinuating that both you and your brother are gay, using a kage bushin, a promiscuous henge, and a flash tag?"
"And, to top this failure off, he downed Kisame with a kick below the belt and stole Samehada?"
"Yes." Itachi was emotionlessly ignoring the laughter of the other members of Akatsuki present while Kisame tried his hardest to turn invisible, knowing that he would never live this down.
The shadowy form of the Akatsuki's leader leveled his eyes at Itachi and Kisame for a moment before the hologram flickered out of existence.
The group fell silent before Kakuzu spoke up.
"You guy's are fucked."
"I'm sorry, honey, I'm not Tsunade." Naruto had just asked the 433rd busty blond he had come across. Yes, he was keeping count, if only to know how much he would need to get back Jiraiya for leaving him on the street with a crap description of the person they were looking for.
"Stupid Ero-Sennin, leaving me at the entrance to town with a shitty description." Naruto grumbled as he kicked at the ground while walking along. Naruto, due to not paying attention to where he was walking on account of plotting revenge against Jiraiya, bumped into someone, causing both to fall to the ground. Naruto got up and brushed himself off before offering his hand to help the person he accidentally knocked down back up.
"Sorry, I was busy plotting petty revenge and wasn't looking where I was going." Naruto said as he pulled the woman back to her feet, taking no notice of the odd look she gave him.
"No problem kid. Just don't let it happen again." She said as Naruto got his first good look at her.
"… Hey, are you Tsunade?" Naruto asked, with practiced ease.
The busty blond blinked in shock before replying. "Yeah. What does a kid like you want with me?"
"Holy shit. It is you! And it only took me 434 tries!" Naruto's voice rose with each word. "Anyway, Ero-Sennin wants to talk to you."
Tsunade narrowed her eyes at him before she noticed something moving up his body and settling on his shoulder.
"What the hell is that?" Tsunade shrieked.
"Huh? I know Ero-Sennin is a super perv, but you don't have to call him a-" Naruto was cut off by Tsunade.
"Not that Ero-Sennin guy. That thing on your shoulder!"
"Hey! Kirijosei isn't a thing, she's a she. And I would appreciate it if you were a bit nicer to her." Naruto said.
"What is it? A pet?" Tsunade asked, calmer now that she knew it wasn't some evil spiky bug monster that feeds on people's brains and has plans of world domination so it can have an endless supply of brains.
"She is a sentient sword. I rescued her from some blue shark-like guy whose name I can't remember who was starving her. When I first fed her, she ate almost all my chakra before she was full." Naruto stated with smug self-satisfaction.
"You stole a sentient sword from a large blue man who looked shark-like and then proceeded to feed said sword, which devoured almost all your chakra before it was full? Is that about right?"
"Yep!" Naruto chirped happily.
"You know, I'm just going to go with you. I don't even want to try to fuck with a crazy kid like you until I can figure this shit out. Now where is this guy you want me to see?" Tsunade said, defeated by the utter lack of sanity this boy was clearly stricken with.
"Hey, Ero-Sennin! I found her!" Naruto called across the bar to the large white haired man who was dining with a shorter black haired woman holding a pig.
Jiraiya simply blinked owlishly at the blond pair as he attempted to process what had just happened.
"That's nice, now why don't you two so we can discuss things over dinner." Jiraiya said a bit shakily.
"You have some crazy blond brat calling you Ero-Sennin doing your bidding now?" Tsunade asked as she settled in beside her conveniently present apprentice.
"Yep, though I'm beginning to think that he's related to some deity of luck or something like that."
"Yeah, I am actually. She's my aunt to be specific. Makes great tea and is great fun at board games." Naruto said, sounding so perfectly serious that they couldn't tell whether or not he was joking.
Everyone simply stared at him for a moment before deciding he hadn't said anything and that they needed to lay off the drinking a bit. Even Shizune, who didn't drink, was forming a hypothesis that would explain the strange occurrence.
"Anyway, we need you to come back to the village and become Hokage." Jiraiya said.
"No way in hell am I ever going to take up a shit job like that. In case you haven't notice, everyone who takes that job dies in battle to save the village and I rather value my life."
"The two jugs of sake you've downed already speak differently. Besides, who wants to live forever? Life isn't fun if you don't' take some risks." Naruto said with an impudent grin.
"What's that mean, brat?"
"Aside from the fact that you clearly have a drinking problem, I suggest alcoholics anonymous, you are just a bitchy old hag who's bitter about everything." Naruto said casually.
"You want to take this outside?" Tsunade growled at him.
"If you insist, though I didn't know that you had a doing it in public kink." Naruto grinned foxily.
Tsunade simply developed a twitch over her left eye as she stomped out of the bar, Naruto, Jiraiya, and Shizune close behind.
"Kid, that has got to be the ballsiest thing anyone has ever said to Tsunade." Jiraiya said, "What type of flowers do you want at your funeral?"
"Uh, I was thinking I'd go with some roses, but isn't it a little early to be planning my funeral? I know shinobi have short life expectancies, but I doubt I'm going to die anytime soon."
"You just defy all conventional logic, don't you?" Jiraiya asked.
"Eh, you get used to it eventually. That or you go insane." Naruto grinned.
"Get ready, brat! I'll beat with just one finger!" Tsunade called, holding up said finger for emphasis.
"You know, it used to annoy me when people underestimated me, but now that I've figured out that I can beat them more easily if they do, I go out of my way to ensure they do." Naruto said, forming his signature cross-shaped seal and summoning four clones.
Naruto pulled an odd wide brimmed hat with sword emblems crossed over each other in an "X" form at the front and put it on his head before raising his arm and swiftly bringing it down so that is was parallel to the ground. "Charge!" (The hat is an old style cavalry hat. Google image it if you need an image.)
Naruto's clones dashed forward at a surprising speed, calling out battle-cries as they did so. The first two Naruto's went for a low sweep kick to the legs and a flying roundhouse to the torso, only for Tsunade to leap over the clone going for her legs and pushed the second clone with her finger down into the first clone, dispelling them both. Tsunade settled back into her relaxed stance only to be met by a very odd sight. Standing before her were two… creatures were the only word she could think of to describe them. The first was rather lizard-like in that it was covered in scales, but that was where the similarities ended. It stood on all fours, it's body lean and muscled, massive chest making room for huge lungs and a heart meant to power the creature through long chases or fights. It had three heads, one of a dog, one of a lion, and one of a bat, all increased in size to be larger than a humans head. It also had a long, thin tail with a wicked looking barb on the end that dripped a dark liquid that hissed and smoked on contact with the ground. It stood, on all fours, at five feet tall and nearly ten feet long from the tip of the tail to the snouts. The other creature, much like the first, was covered in scales, but this one stood on it's hind legs and looked reminiscent of a human crossed with a large lizard. It had a head that looked somewhat human, but had the muzzle of a lizard crossed with a wolf with vicious fangs jutting out of the jaws. It's scales were varying shades of green, which covered a lean, powerful, and muscular body that looked chiseled out of stone, and it had a tail that jutted from it's lower back and extended out nearly three feet with a tuft of red hair on the end. It had sharp claws on each massive hand that were at least an inch and a half long and as thick around at the base as someone's finger, as well as a larger set of claws on it's feet, and was adorned with a long red mane of hair that started at the top of its head, went down the sides slightly like sideburns, nearly concealing it's pointed ears that looked to be a cross between a wolf's and a bat's, and also grew down it's back to reach just past it's shoulder-blades. Did I mention that it's over 10 feet tall? Well it is.
"Keh, a couple of clones wearing a henge aren't going to scare me." Tsunade said, hiding the fact that she was slightly freaked out by the intimidating appearances of the clones.
Naruto simply grinned, showing off his slightly longer than average canines, as he gestured the clones to attack. The first clone bounded forward as the second clone roared before dashing after it's companion. The first clone, leapt, lashing out with it's claws as it did so, forcing Tsunade to dodge to the side before lashing out with her finger, only to be forced to abandon the attack as she had to dodge the jaws of the second creature. Tsunade rolled to the side as the first creature's tail lashed out at her after she dodged the bite of the second creature.
This continued, with the pattern of attack varying, for several minutes before Tsunade slammed her fist into the ground in front of her, sending chunks of the ground flying into the air, luckily missing any buildings, but dispelling the first transformed clone and forcing the second to dodge away from her, giving her some space. Unfortunately, it was at this moment Naruto and a clone leapt from behind her, rasengan in hand, and nearly hit Tsunade directly, grazing her side and knocking her into a nearby wall. As Tsunade stood back up, she was forced to dodge as a massive blue-scaled zanbatou slammed into the ground where she had stood just moments ago.
"Heh, didn't you say you would beat me with just one finger?" Naruto taunted as he hefted the massive sword that was more than twice as long as he was tall onto his shoulder.
Tsunade growled at him before launching forward, intent on reducing Naruto to a messy pulp, only to be intercepted by the second transformed clone gripping her forearm in a vice-like grip before flinging her down the street. It was about to continue forward before Shizune stepped in on Tsunade's side and Jiraiya laid his hand on Naruto's shoulder, gesturing him to stop.
"Ok, that's enough. It this continues, we'll be likely to destroy part of the town." Jiraiya said, ushering them towards the hotel he had booked a room at for himself and Naruto earlier in the day.
Tsunade grumbled before voicing a question that had plagued her since earlier in the fight. "Hey, brat, how did you make your henge solid?"
"Huh? Oh, that's just a variation I accidentally made since I can't do a normal henge. I missed out on the day that they covered henge in the academy and only got a partial description of it and only a couple of the hands signs and ended up filling in the blanks myself. I only figured out later that it wasn't supposed to be solid when Kakashi-Sensei pointed it out one day. It's pretty useful, but I can only transform into something larger than I am. I can become a tiger, or one of the creatures you saw my clones henge into, but I can't become a bird or mouse or something similarly small." Naruto explained with a grin as they entered the hotel.
"Ok." Jiraiya said. "I'll get a second room for Tsunade-Hime and Shizune-san and then we can go to bed and talk about this more tomorrow."
The next morning
"Ok, now that we aren't about to kill each other or cause massive property damage that I'm not going to pay for, it was honestly pretty funny to see Tsunade-Hime pressed so much by a genin. I mean seriously, I've heard of people underestimating their enemies, but this just takes it to a whole new level. You were about to go all out on the poor kid before Shizune and I stopped the fight." Jiraiya said, earning himself a well placed kick to the shin from the slightly hung over Tsunade.
"Shut up Jiraiya."
"Heh, he even managed to graze you with the rasengan, though you still need more practice with it before you manage to get it down. The shell was incomplete and you lost a great deal of power because of it." Jiraiya said, directing the instructions on the rasengan towards Naruto.
"I don't see why you're bothering to teach the kid that jutsu, he'll never be able to learn it." Tsunade grumbled.
Naruto's grin threatened to split his face in half. "You want to bet? If I manage to get the rasengan down within a week, you have to come back and become Hokage."
"Kid, if you manage to learn the rasengan in a week, I'll not only become Hokage, I'll give you this necklace." Tsunade said, pulling the gemstone bearing sting from around her neck, confident that she would win.
"Deal." Naruto said, before dashing off to train.
"That kid of yours doesn't stand a chance Jiraiya." Tsunade said, watching the blond haired boy rush off.
"You'd be surprised, Tsunade-Hime. He's never lost a bet in his life, ever." Jiraiya replied with a small smile.
Nagato was torn between being furious over the fact that two of the most powerful shinobi in existence were beaten by a genin and laughing until passed out due to the manner in which they were defeated.
"What's wrong, Nagato?" Konan asked as she entered the room, their lunch in tow, having volunteered to get lunch so Nagato could hold the meeting with the other Akatsuki members.
"Itachi and Kisame were held off by a genin long enough for him to escape and it was done in perhaps the most pathetic way possible." Nagato replied, taking a bite of his lunch as he did his paperwork.
"How did a genin defeat them? They are some of the most powerful members of the Akatsuki."
"This is the pathetic part. They were beaten using a kage bushin, a promiscuous henge, and a flash tag. This is only after said genin's rant questioning Itachi's sexuality as well as the sexuality of Itachi's brother and kicking Kisame below the belt. The sad part is, the only thing I can really do about it is either send them after him again when the time is right, or assign another team to that biju." Nagato sighed.
"I'm sure you'll figure it out." Konan said.
Scene Change: One Week later
"Ugh, my head. Why the hell do I feel as though Choji decided to sit on me?" Naruto groaned.
"That would probably be due to your suffering from chakra exhaustion." A calm voice said from beside the bed Naruto was in.
"Bull. I don't suffer from chakra exhaustion, ever. The fur ball makes sure of that." Naruto grumbled as he sat up and looked at Shizune.
"That's impossible. Even with the Kyuubi you have to suffer from chakra exhaustion eventually." Shizune countered.
"Nope. Whenever I come close, the fox gives me a bit of chakra. Not enough to keep fighting, but enough so I don't suffer from chakra exhaustion."
Shizune was about to argue further when a disgruntled and disheveled looking Jiraiya leapt through the window.
"Huh? That old bat? I don't know. I haven't seen her since we made that bet." Naruto said before looking at Shizune to see what she had to offer on the subject.
Shizune had a serious look on her face. "She couldn't have. Even she wouldn't do something so stupid." Shizune said, more to herself than Jiraiya and Naruto.
"What are you talking about?" Jiraiya demanded.
"Well, that's a bit of a story. You see, about a week ago, Orochimaru came to us offering to bring back Tsunade-Sama's loved ones if she healed his arms. He gave her a week to decide before he would return for her answer. She must have gone to meet him. We can only hope she turned down his offer." Shizune explained
Jiraiya's face hardened as he spoke. "She had better have turned him down. Tsunade or not, if she healed his arms, I will kill her." Jiraiya's years as a shinobi shone through.
"Well, let's go see then." Naruto said, getting up and stretching, causing a series of joints to crack and pop.
With that, Naruto, Jiraiya, and Shizune leapt through the window with Tonton in the lead, directing them towards Tsunade.
"Kukuku, you made the wrong decision to try to kill me, Tsunade." Orochimaru said as they reached a large open field.
"You and your lackey don't stand a chance, Orochimaru. That kid is nowhere near powerful enough to beat me and you can't use your arms." Tsunade taunted.
"That may be, but we know your greatest weakness!" Orochimaru boasted.
"What! How did you find that out? I've never told anyone of my paralyzing fear of-" Tsunade was cut off by Orochimaru.
"Yes! Your paralyzing fear of blood!"
"What? Blood? I don't fear blood."
"I got over my hemophobia years ago." Tsunade said, confused as to why Orochimaru thought she feared blood.
"Oh. Well, damn. There goes the plan. I was going to have Kabuto paralyze you with your fear of blood and then gloat before killing you and going with plan B." Orochimaru said, rather put out that he wouldn't have a chance to humiliate his old teammate.
"Plan B?" Tsunade asked.
"Yes, plan B. I was going to get my new host and switch into his body, which would automatically heal my arms." Orochimaru explained slightly dazedly.
"You know, I really don't know why you were called a genius. I mean, you just told your enemy, who you can't beat, your plan for healing yourself." Jiraiya said as he, Naruto, with Kirijosei on his shoulder again, and Shizune landed in the grassy plain.
Orochimaru glared hatefully at them as he realized that he had indeed, in his stupefied haze, had told them how he was going to heal himself. Well, he glared at them until he noticed the spiky blue creature on Naruto's shoulder.
"What the hell is that?" Orochimaru gestured with his head and the hideous creature on Naruto's shoulder.
"Hey! You don't remember me?" Naruto yelled, outraged that he had been forgotten.
"I think he's talking about Kirijosei." Jiraiya said.
"Yeah, there's a good chance of it."
"Oh. Kirijosei is not and it, she's a she!" Naruto yelled back.
"How did this degenerate into a shouting match between Naruto and my traitorous former teammate?" Tsunade asked her confused apprentice.
"I don't know Tsunade-Sama."
"Uh, Orochimaru-Sama, now may be a good time to leave." Kabuto said, snapping Orochimaru back into his usual evil genius mindset.
"Oh, right. I'll get you all for this!" Orochimaru yelled before slithering underground, leaving a suddenly nervous Kabuto to give a weak smile before he shushined away so as to not be killed.
"You know, that didn't go at all like I thought it would. I figured Oro-Teme would have some plan to incapacitate the old bat. Then, we would arrive and Ero-Sennin would fight Pedo-maru while Shizune fought Kabuto until she eventually lost and had to fall back. Then, she would take care of the paralyzed with fear Tsunade while I set up Kabuto so I could rasengan him. Ero-Sennin would gloat before Kabuto miraculously got back up to aid his master. And finnaly, Tsunade would overcome her paralyzing fear and unleash some amazing secret jutsu and pound Oro-Hime into mush until he ran away." Naruto said, and odd hint of nostalgia in his tone. (I really didn't expect for the Orochimaru scene to turn out like it did in my story. It just kind of wrote itself once I got started.)
Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Shizune simply stared at him blankly before deciding this was another moment in which they were hallucinating and that Naruto hadn't spoken.
"As if you could actually use the rasengan anyway, brat." Tsunade said.
"Actually, I mastered it the first night I was training. I spent the rest of the time training in other stuff." Naruto said offhandedly. "Oh yeah, I owe you for something Ero-Sennin."
Naruto walked over to Jiraiya, who was now grinning lecherously. Naruto stood in front of Jiraiya, hands in the ram seal as Jiraiya pulled out his trusty notebook, and kicked Jiraiya in the balls with as much force as he could muster, sending Jiraiya to the ground where he curled up on himself, whimpering every few seconds.
"That's for leaving me on the street with a crappy description of Tsunade. Do you know how many busty blonds I had to ask before I finnaly found her? She was the 434th person I asked. 433 women who weren't Tsunade before I found her, by accident I might add." Naruto said in a matter of fact tone to the injured man on the ground.
Tsunade simply sighed as she rubbed her temples.
"You're carrying him back. Also, you still have to prove to me that you have mastered the rasengan." She said, gesturing for Shizune to follow her as she walked back towards town.
Naruto simply shrugged as he hefted the prone Jiraiya onto the shoulder that didn't have the transformed sword on it and followed after.
"Well, that was interesting, don't you think, Kirijosei?" Naruto asked the spiky creature, getting an odd humming sound reminiscent of a purr.
Sui: So, what do you think? I really hope I lived up to the first chapter. Anyway, the review button needs more friends, so I would apreicate it if you would become aquainted with it.