LadyDragonsblood, Hunter hasn't really done anything bad. I think Adam's trying to think of Jeff as a minor glitch right now. It's sad but kinda fun to write. Thanks, hun. takers dark lover, he probably should've, but honestly he didn't know. Rhiannamator, to be revealed later.. I think I prefer protective Hunter. It's fun having them not really understand each other. Thanks, baby. JoMoFan-spot, chp 13, it's quite alright. & thank you very much, hearing that makes me happy. I had to get the doctor away. Chp 14, Adam needed kind guardians. Those are kinda being spared for the moment. Adam has started to heal, but there's still bumps. Gerard's just young & playful. Thank you, sweetheart.
Chapter fifteen/ 'Closet Space'
Rated; M/ L (rape theme, underage, mentions of violence)
Fuck, he had probably pissed off his only friend here. Well, besides Trish, but most people looked at him like he was this psycho killer or just stared past him because they were lost in their own worlds anyway. "Geri, where'd you go?" Where was his room even at?
Adam walked down the halls. It was kinda dark and he didn't want to be alone.. Fortunately he came up on Hunter.
"Hey, Adam. It's just like 20 minutes till lights out, you know that." The larger blond reminded, flashing a friendly smile.
Adam smiled back. "I know. I was just feeling sorta restless and decided to walk around a bit before bed."
"Just make sure to be in your room." He wagged his finger teasingly instead of scolding. "I'm supposed to keep an eye on you and I don't want to keep you locked up."
No, Trish didn't think that was necessary or very good for him at this point. Adam had behaved and there was always some guard lurking somewhere and his floor had the nicest one in Hunter. "I'll be back before bed." He gave a faint smirk. "I know Doctor Stratus would kill you if you let me stay up late."
Hunter huffed and waved him off. "I'm not afraid of her."
Adam giggled and carried on his way. He thought about asking Hunter if he had seen his friend, but passed on the idea. At this point he was beginning to wonder if Gerard was even real. He really didn't want to ask and find out he wasn't and him be locked up for longer.
Adam was about to abandon his search when he heard movement from the janitor's closet. Old man Foley was off duty right now. Adam peeked inside and found who he was looking for. He moved closer into the small room, finding Gerard sitting up on some crates.
Gerard flinched. "Don't touch me."
Adam blinked and stilled. "I'm not gonna hurt you. I panicked."
Gerard's eyes were still dark, but the scowl on his face faded. "I guess I can understand that." This was the loony bin, after all.
"Look, it just caught me off guard." It had.
"Still could've just told me no. I didn't do nothing to you. I thought we connected. I just.. I misread, I'm sorry." Gerard slouched, dropping his eyes in defeat.
Damn it. Now Adam felt bad. Because this wasn't Jay and Jay wasn't here- he had made sure of that. Adam cringed at his own admittance. But this was just a regular boy when it came down to it. In therapy they had been working with him on this. They wanted Adam to be able to have a normal sexual relationship with someone one day when he was older. Normal friendships. Adam had agreed. What Jay did wasn't going to own him his entire life. He didn't want to see Jay in every boy he dated or was intimate with or merely interacted with. He wanted to have normal relationships. "Not everyone will abuse you, Adam. There are good people out there ready to love and be loved. Anyone who abuses you is wrong and you don't deserve that." Trish had said.
"You.. you would've really stopped if I asked?" Adam chewed on his lip, watching the smaller boy.
Gerard nodded. "Of course, Adam, you're my friend. Why would you think I wouldn't?"
"You wanna know why I killed my brother..? Well, he wasn't my real brother. My mom was dating this guy and the guy had an adopted son." Adam sighed. "But that's not the point. I killed another kid with a kitchen knife."
"Like Michael Myers in Halloween." Gerard uttered off-handedly.
Adam snorted. Now that he thought about it, it did feel that way. Blanking out like young Mikey and grabbing a kitchen knife before stabbing a sibling.. his situation was much different, though.
"No." Adam sighed, leaning against the door, he hadn't realized he had closed it, he tucked a strand of blond hair behind his ear. "I killed him because he was raping me." He looked up to see that he'd put a look of horror on his young friend's face. "I'm not lying. He tormented me for years. He'd say these things.. call me these things.. tell me all I was good for was being a slut, made me feel that way. Made me feel filthy.. Then one day, he finally just.." Adam stopped and took a shuddered breath.
Gerard had hopped off the crate and bounded over to the blonde. "Oh my god, I'm sorry, Adam. I should've asked before the kiss. I didn't know. I just thought since we were both.. I.."
Now the boy was all flustered and unsure. It was a definite switch. It was kinda cute to watch him drop his gaze and nibble on his lip in uncertainty. "It's not your fault. I'm the spaz. You just assumed and had a normal human reaction to another human."
Gerard looked up. "That's awful smart sounding." He shook his head. "I wasn't meaning it like.. I'm not a rapist. I don't think I could be."
"Hm, but you set priests on fire." Adam allowed a teasing smirk.
Gerard gave him a playful shove. "Ass."
"And what about that choir boy?"
"Ass." Gerard rolled his eyes. "He was older than me anyway, by a lot. He'd flirt with me, I really liked it. I could be a slut. I mean, I went into that booth willingly with him. Nothing was against my will. But the priest caught us and told on me. My parents wanted to send me off to lord knows where."
"Maybe boot camp."
"Ooh, all them GI wannabes.." Gerard shook his head, lips quirked. "I really didn't mean to set the bastard in flames. I did mean to hit him though.. but I hit him with an unlit one, he stumbled into a lit one.." Gerard grimaced at the memory. "My whole family thinks I'm the devil incarnate. This place is actually a relief."
"You're too pretty to be the devil." Even though Adam knew that innocent looks could be deceiving..
Gerard smiled. "Why thank you. You're pretty pretty yourself."
"Pretty pretty? You're such a dorkchop." Adam giggled.
"You called me a dorkchop, but I'm the dork..? Sheesh.." Gerard wrapped his arms around his waist.
Adam tensed only slightly, feeling a cheek press against his chest. He was only hugging. It was a hug. Fuck, the kid probably needed a hug. Adam probably needed a hug. Tentatively, he hugged back.
"It was just a kiss, Adam. I just wanted to be kissed. It felt nice. I'm sorry."
Adam tensed back up and pulled away. "It's probably past lights out. Hunter is going to kill me."
"We could always say we got locked in the janitor's closet." He grinned in the dim light of the small room, tiny teeth buried in his lip.
Adam paused for a moment. "They'd be really upset if they found us in the closet together.."
"There is a huge and fantastic gay joke here.. but it's not quite coming to me." Gerard played with Adam's pajama shirt. "Oh well." He looked up and smiled. "We could always kiss, if you wanted to. We don't have to do nothing else. Just think about it, okay. If you say no, I won't bring it up again." He tiptoed to kiss the blonde on the cheek and Adam moved so he could slip out the door.
Adam sighed and quickly followed. He was lucky he didn't see Hunter and quietly ducked into his room. He was too tired to think about anything right now.
Adam laid on the big cozy couch in Trish's office. It's why he liked his sessions in here, he could lay on this couch and almost fall asleep.
"I see you've been getting along with Gerard." Her voice brought him back to focus.
"Hm..?" He smiled. "Oh, you see him too? I'm glad." He snuggled down into the cushions. "He's nice. Doesn't look at me like I'm.." And stopped. "Well, you know.."
Trish pressed her lips together. She had recently dyed her hair brown. It made her look more sophisticated. "Adam, I'm not going to tell you what you did to Jay was right, or the best solution to your problem. I think you felt it was your only solution. At the same time, what Jay was doing to you was wrong."
Adam squirmed a bit.
"I sometimes go through and read what Doctor Rosewood wrote about your sessions. She mentioned she revealed you felt like a whore, you were dirty because of what Jay did to you. Do you still feel that way?"
Adam thought for a moment. "Sometimes I want to. I'll hear someone make a comment or say something and I'll hear Jay's voice. Uh.. Gerard.. he sorta kissed me. I pushed him off cuz I heard Jay's voice telling me I was a slut."
"You know not to listen to that voice though, Adam. What did he do after?"
"He was hurt. Told me I could've told him no, he said he'd of stopped. He wants to kiss me, said he wouldn't ask again if I said no." Adam said carefully.
"Hm." She hummed thoughtfully, holding both the tip and eraser of the pencil with her fingers as her elbows rested on her desk. "He's given you the choice then. Letting you decide and promising to respect your wishes. Adam, no one is worth your time if they don't respect what you don't feel comfortable with."
"Jay and Je- Jay never gave me a choice." He looked down, almost mentioning the name he swore to erase from his memory.
"Have you still been seeing him?" Trish asked, noting that Adam almost flinched.
"No." He replied softly.
"Rosewood determined you created him out of sexual frustration. A gay boy coming to terms with his sexuality and living under the same roof with another gay boy who was attracted to you, but felt he couldn't do anything because you were brothers. She- and this is only her theory- but she theorized that maybe you were attracted back at one point and didn't know how to properly convey or deal with it. And this created Jeff in your mind, an outlet to deal with your sexuality, your anger, maybe depression."
Adam had sat up. "I.." He wrung his shirt in his hands. "I really didn't feel that way about Jay.." He had let the doctor believe whatever she wanted.
Trish nodded. "Yeah, I don't believe that theory completely. Jay seemed like a disturbed boy. Maybe if you had felt able to come out and tell what he was doing, even before the rapes, maybe he would be in here instead. I'm not trying to guilt you, I'm just saying. I think you created Jeff because you needed someone to pay attention to you. I think you were very lost and lonely and wanted to be taken care of.. but felt maybe you didn't deserve it or couldn't be. And that's why in your mind, Jeff took advantage of you."
"He's gone now." Adam murmured smally.
"Mhm. And you are allowed to have normal friendships and relationships with others, Adam. Those voices don't have to own you. You have a choice of your own."
Adam's choice was that he wanted to kiss Gerard again. He didn't tell Trish that, thought. And Jay's voice could go to hell.
I want Adam out of his shell. It's necessary. I don't know if you should consider that ominous or not. Yes, Gerard is real.. at least, Trish can see him too.