Title: Yearning for you
Author: Nebiru (ex-Kizune)
Pairing: ShunUki – and, yes, this is yaoi, so beware.
Raiting: R (for some yaoi scenes and swearing)
Disclaimer: I own nothing, except the arrangement of words.)
Summary: Friends for ages… but what is this strange yearning, burning throughout my body and making me writhe in agony at night? Kyouraku, you drunkard, what are you doing to me?
Author's comments: This was originally written in my native language and it was my first ShunUki fic. I think back then I haven't yet grasped the heroes' characters well enough, so sometimes Juu can seem a bit too emotional. But, please, bear with it, I hope the story gets better towards the end. Well, don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating (I became content with my writing somewhere around the 4th story). I'll be dividing the original in three parts, so there will be 3 chapters and a considerable amount of time before I get to translate and post the next one. But those of you who will dare to read this - don't worry – I finish everything I start once, because I really hate reading uncompleted fiction and I've seen enough of that in earlier days. Your comments or critics will be greatly appreciated and will, surely, help to speed the process up. I still have no beta and, due to some real life circumstances, no opportunity to find one, so, please, be merciful when you stumble upon a grammar mistake or a mischosen word. I'll try to do my best, promise.
This is madness! Complete madness! Shit!
My body is being disobedient, even knees are shaking. What the hell? I want to push him away, but I can't as if all the powers left me. I think if I could open my mouth right now, I wouldn't be able to utter a single word. This is… unbearable. So good. I have never…
His lips are on my neck. God, so hot. Teeth scratch the skin, stubble leaves the path of red marks. I am burning inside, melting, ahh-nn… n-no, I shouldn't.
Brace yourself, Ukitake Juushirou. Stop this drunkard before he takes you like one of his many licentious damsels. Just like this, against the wall… Ahh, yesss…
Haori and kosode slide down the shoulder. When did he manage to undo the obi…?
Lips move down – tongue licks my collarbone, leaving the wet trail. It's too hard to breathe now… He touches my bare shoulder with his wide palm, and it makes me writhe even more than the touch of his other hand to my hip. He presses me closer, and despite the heavy cloth I can feel the evidence of his lust.
Damn, I have never felt so alive than right at this moment. This is shameful, but I can't stop.
His lips move down again, hand slides along my chest, undressing me more. Was there any use for clothes at all? I can't hold back a moan, when he takes my nipple into his mouth. I'll be damned. I – one of the most powerful captains of Gotei-13, the pride of commander Yamamoto Genryuusai, the sheer living example of decency and diplomacy for all shinigami, am indulging in lechery right here at the shadowed side street, moaning like a real whore.
Kyouraku, you depraved drunkard, what are you doing to me?
I think I said that aloud, because he smiles drunkenly and shuts me up with a kiss. The back of my head hits the wall painfully, but I don't care. No one has ever kissed me like this. No one… never… before him. No one dared to taste the kiss of death so impudently and with so much passion. My head is spinning. He eats me alive, bits my lips, tasting blood, tortures my mouth with his tongue. He is not afraid of my goddamn illness.
He smells of sake and sweat. Even his pink kimono stinks of alcohol. I am forced to think that he didn't have a bath for at least three days. And this is so… arousing, damn.
A chorus of loud voices and laughter from the main street rushes into my small world of pleasure, breaking and shattering it in a milliard pieces. Suddenly I understand how illusory what is now happening is. We can be seen, there will be rumors, and I won't be able to save my reputation, not to mention, how angry Kyouraku's harem will be… And he is completely drunk anyway, isn't he? I'm sure he just imagines one of his women instead of me right now… And my illness - I, surely, don't want my best friend to catch it, don't I?
Bitterness writhes somewhere inside my chest. Did you get your hopes up, you idiot? You are cursed to be alone forever. No one will ever take you to his bed. This is your fate…
Yes… yes, I dared, even though only for a minute, - I tell myself and wrap my hands around Shunsui. He is taller than me. I lower my head on his shoulder. Eyes are stinging treacherously.
- Kyou-kun, don't… please, - I whisper, clinging to him with all my body.
Let me… let me go. It hurts… too much.
I don't know whether he understands me or not, but his grip on me lessens just so I am able to tear myself from his embrace.
There is only the starlit sky and the empty street ahead of me.
And the taste of sake on the lips. His taste.
Days merge into a monotone routine. I do paperwork; put things, which were shelved during the fight with Aizen and his Espada, in order; train my division; read lections at the Academy. I'm not sparing myself, but it doesn't matter. Because the point is to do anything to distract myself from the memory of that mad evening.
I avoid Kyouraku, though I don't really have to.
I realized that he doesn't remember anything the day after, when I saw him at the captains' meeting. Despite the hangover he looked more or less presentable, and only from time to time touched his head - when someone spoke too loud. As Nanao told me later, he had been drinking for the whole three days, because one of his damsels decided to marry someone and left him rather abruptly. Sure, that must have been the great reason to drink himself to death…
I wrinkle my nose along with that thought, push aside the stack of papers and lie down on the futon with hands behind my head.
Recently, despite the tiredness, I've been feeling great, thanks to Unohana.
Though, to tell the truth, now I'd prefer the ardent fever, that usually leaves me with no thoughts and desires… Because my body is burning. It remembers his touch. And it wants more.
Shit. Shit. Shit. Why is it all happening to me?
Am I so hungry for caress that I'm ready to jump in bed with an old friend?
Liar… you never knew what that caress is in the first place, - my inner voice laughs, and I have nothing to counter that. I feel myself pitiful. Surely, even Hitsugaya must have already tasted the forbidden fruit with someone… I rage at myself for idiotic thoughts and rub the reddened cheeks, turning on my side.
I'm almost asleep, when someone knocks on my door. The knocking sounds more like thunder, and it makes me jump up from the futon in an instant. I open the door, only to find a mischievously smiling Kyouraku with two unopened bottles of sake and a large bag of food. I force all dirty and bitter thoughts to the back of my mind and, sighing, let the man in. After all, we have been friends for ages. Too many times we have whiled the evenings away just like this – sitting together – silent or laughing – back to back.
- So, what is your late visit about? – I try to frown, but all my seriousness disappears as I watch him carrying my little table joyously towards the futon. He is whistling some silly song, laying out the food on the table, and I can't help myself smiling, when I notice that he even took cups for sake.
- As if you don't know, Juu-chan! – he answers cheerfully, sitting down more comfortably on my futon. I freeze. Perhaps, there is fear written all over my face, because Kyouraku looks at me with some amount of surprise.
That's it. I'm dead. I feel as if I'm suffocating. My cheeks are burning. I want to vanish completely right here and right now. Oh, God. He knows, he remembers. I hide my face in my hands.
- Juushirou, are you… all right? Yama-jii and I think that you are pushing yourself too hard. That's when I thought that it would be a great idea to spend the evening in a relaxing atmosphere.
…Ah. So that was what he meant. I suppress the urge to laugh nervously and force myself to sit on the second half of the futon. Close to him. I can feel the warmth, radiating from his body, even though there is some distance between us.
He pours sake too slow to my liking and almost drops the bottle in astonishment, when I grab my cup in a flash and gulp down the portion in one go.
- More! – I tell him. I still must be as red as a beet. I want to get drunk.
- Yare-yare, slow down Juu-chan, there is no haste. Eat something. Are you really sure, that everything is ok? – there is doubt in Kyouraku's voice, but I nod briskly, and after the sixth or seventh cup begin to tell him some uncharacteristic for me nonsense about how the world is unfair and that too many people are so evil and that I'm sick and tired of it all. Kyouraku is mostly silent and after the eighth cup he ceases trying to stop me from getting drunk, realizing that that is exactly what I intend to do.
There were precisely two times in my life when I had the same intention. First – when I finished the Academy. And second – when… Kaien died.
I barely touch food and soon a liter and a half of sake settles happily inside my stomach.
Everything becomes blurred and starts spinning when I try to get up, and Kyouraku saves me from falling and hurting my head on the floor right in the last moment. He lays me down on the futon, clears the table and covers me with a blanket, blowing off the lamp.
I fall asleep.
In my dream his kiss is slow and tender, fingertips barely touching my face. He strokes my hair and kisses my lips, cheeks, nose, eyes and forehead. His warmth envelops me, and I sigh contentedly, sleepily embracing his broad shoulders. He kisses the corner of my mouth and blends with the darkness of the night.
Whoever created the hangover, may he be cursed forever.
I have been embracing the toilet for several hours non-stop, until Kyouraku came to check on me and made me drink some disgusting concoction. I feel so bad, that the way he is standing so close, helping me to get back to the futon, doesn't bother me much.
- Shunsui, you asshole, be damned, - I moan, lying there like a corpse, - Why did you have to bring sake yesterday?
But Shunsui only smiles in return and gives me the second portion of some awful-tasting herbs. Bloody drunkard. Even knows what to take to not feel nauseous. Ah, length of alcoholic experience – I suppose it matters.
Too slow, but the herbs calm my stomach. Finally I relax, breathing in deeply.
- I won't ever drink again, - I say with the belief of a righteous believer.
- Yes, Juu-chan drank too much yesterday, - nods Kyouraku, putting the glass of water beside me.
I look at him furiously.
- What the hell are you doing here anyway? This is definitely all your fault!
My righteous fury knows no bounds, but, unfortunately, the man's cheerful aura turns out to be stronger. He takes his pink kimono and for a minute stands still near the door.
- I just don't want Yama-jii to accuse me of killing his best student, when he'll see you today during the captains' meeting.
- Of leading you astray, so to speak, - he adds jokingly, but for a second it seems that his smile is false and doesn't reach his serious eyes, hidden under the straw hat.
A second – and the moment is gone together with the man behind the threshold. Was it or not?
I stretch on the futon, leaving the piles of paper work to Kotsubaki and Kotetsu, and try to make the persistent thoughts go away. Despite the residues of the hangover, my cheeks still redden when I think about Kyouraku.
Day after day passes in exactly the same way. I'm working less to avoid Yamamoto-sensei's attention, but as a result I have too much free time. Which I spend, persuading myself, that I don't want to see Kyouraku and feel his embrace like back then… to feel with every cell of my skin that maddening heat, to answer his kiss, arch under his strong hands…
Damn, this is too much. Do I really sound like a silly girl, who fell in love and is longing for her man? It's unbearable. It seems that now, when my illness has finally retreated for an unknown amount of time, my body woke up. Never in my life have I wanted anyone so much. Not with my body, not with my soul.
God, is this what I really deserve?
I sigh, put on my haori and leave for the territory of the eighth division. Kyouraku haven't visited me for three days, and judging by his appearance at the yesterday's meeting, he is off on another jag. I meet Nanao near the entrance to his office. She is in rage – anyone can tell – she squeezes the papers so hard and looks so fixedly at the ground as if ready to blow up any moment. She runs to me when I hail her.
- Ukitake-taichou, please, do something! Taichou is drinking again! No-no, I understand that it's in his nature, but this… this is going too far.
I calm Nanao and promise to beat some sense into Kyouraku, and the girl leaves.
The door squeaks as it always does. But then I am forced to cover my nose with the sleeve of my haori, because it is impossible to breathe inside the room. The stuffy air and the stench of alcohol are choking me.
The room is a complete mess. I can't even find Kyouraku before I accidentally notice him hiding among the mountain of empty bottles and some old rags. What the hell is wrong with him?
I grab hold of his kosode front and drag the drunken bastard to the nearest couch. He is in a deep sleep. His hair is tangled, stubble threatens to become a beard, and his chin and neck are sticky and coated with dirt. It seems as if he crawled – quite literally – outside and gathered all the dirt from the ground.
After leaving him on the couch, I open the window to air the room from the awful stench. Then I pick up bottles and rubbish into the lying rags and carry the pile outdoors.
I feel myself like a housewife.
Damn you, Shunsui.
Back in the room I pull Kyouraku's dirty haori off his sleeping form and wet the towel in the water to try and rub the dirt at least off his face. He mumbles something in his sleep and makes an attempt to push me away with his hands, when I start rubbing his neck.
- Lily-chan… you are… back… - says Kyouraku, and I can't fight the urge to roll my eyes.
- Yes-yes, I'm here. Sleep.
Blast it! Now I am a Lily-chan for you, huh? I freeze, suddenly feeling the hungry spark of jealousy inside.
I put the towel away. Shunsui sleeps peacefully again. I can hear the starting rain behind the window. I can hear how the rain slowly turns into a downpour. My thoughts are drawn-out, they don't want to come to a logical conclusion. I don't want.
We have been friends for ages. I can give my life away for him without blinking. I understand him like no one else. I always put up with his irritating habits. The times when I laugh the most is when I'm with him. And now I want him. And I am jealous.
Oh… God. Do I love him?
Surely I went off my head.
I lean closer to Kyouraku, my grey hair falls on his face and I realize that I am completely mad if I am really going to steal this kiss from his drunken lips, which smell of sake. As if in a trance I close my eyes and my lips are almost on his, when…
- Juu-chan… what are you doing? – he whispers sleepily. I shrink back from him with a red face and almost fall from the edge of the couch. And then I run out of his office as if a thousand arrancars, led by Aizen, is after me. I stop only at the outskirts of Soul Society, soaked to the bones. I have never shunpo-ed so fast.
Rrrargh, what a shame! I ran away just like a teenage girl would've done. Shit. Fuck. Shit.
I want to scrape the nearest wall with my hands.
I am an idiot. An i-di-ot. Why did I have to do that?
Rushing about the outskirts for some time, I reluctantly decide to go back home. I don't want to catch a flue and develop a fever. I carefully look around, but no, Kyouraku doesn't wait for me neither behind the corner, nor inside. Perhaps, he is sleeping again.
After showering I bury myself in the blankets on the futon.
My cheeks are still burning.
If he didn't wake up…
If he didn't wake up, then…
I fall asleep, lulled by the rain.
- …you would've felt my taste on your lips.