I don't even know where this came from. It just exploded out of me. So, sorry if it sucks! but what can ya do? Just felt angsty today. Though I do have to give mad props and huge thanks to my friend Brent who made my life (not my day, or my week, but my LIFE) at musical practice today. Without him I would be even more angsty than I am right now, and that's probably why this has an excess of fluff too. Thank Brent for that, if it hadn't been for him I probably would have killed everyone at the end. But anyways, review please? They heal the soul, or so I hear.
"A drop in the ocean,
A change in the weather,
I was praying that you and me might end up together.
It's like wishing for rain as I stand in the desert,
But I'm holding you closer than most,
'Cause you are my heaven."
-Ron Pope "A Drop In The Ocean"
I was so completely hopelessly devoted to him. And no, I don't mean to quote Grease, I fucking hate that show after Carlos played the soundtrack for two months non stop. Freaking songs got OLD. But it was true. Everything he did would make me smile, make my heart speed up, and my stomach fill with butterflies. It was felt girly to think that, I knew it, but for some reason those were the only descriptions that fit.
So many things had changed in such a small amount of time. I couldn't place an exact date on the time my feeling changed from platonic to romantic, but the more time we spent together the more it became obvious to me there was something else there. Something that I couldn't exactly describe. It was warm and made my chest tight with anticipation as I would unconsciously lean closer to him, wanting to stretch out my hand and touch his skin.
But with the irresistible wanting there was also fear. Fear that he wouldn't feel the same way. Fear of rejection. Fear that he would hate me and our friendship would be ruined forever. But fear had never stopped me before; Kendall Knight did not back down, ever, but here I was hiding away what I knew to be true, fighting my feeling tooth and nail because it could never work. Logan didn't want me like I wanted him.
All he was looking for was friendship. A shoulder to lean on when he was down and a smile to get his day back on track, and more than anything I wanted to make him the happiest person on the planet. Even if that meant denying myself of the one thing I had wanted most of in my entire life, I would do it in a heartbeat if it meant that Logan would always be happy. I could be content with just friendship, sure it would hurt to see him with someone else, a girl non the less. It would be a big fat reminder every time I saw them that I was never wanted he wanted. He wanted long hair and soft skin, not me, never me.
And despite that I couldn't help but keep praying that it would work between us. That he would have a magic revelation that went something along the lines of "I love Kendall Knight!", but I knew I was just dreaming, but if I didn't have dreams what else could I have?
In real life it would never work, but in my dreams I could be with Logan every night. I could be the one that got to hold him and whisper that I loved him in his ear, causing a shiver to run through his body, only making my hold on him tighten so he would always know who he belonged to.
But then morning dawned and reality would sink in. I would take the pain it brought, it was a small price to pay for the fantasies that played out in the confines of my mind.
It always seemed that I was the one he came to for help and advice. James and Carlos could have helped him just as much, probably even better in some instances, but still it was always me. Logan would walk in our room with a frown, forehead wrinkled with worry and say whatever was on his mind. It always got talked through, though if he came to me one more time with "Camille problems" I might lose it. It was one thing to feel unrequited feeling for someone, but entirely another thing to have them dangled in front of your face and then watch them get snatch away, off to love someone else.
If Logan knew what he was doing he would have stopped coming to me for all advice, not just on girls. He would never hurt anyone on purpose, let alone one of his best friends, and that was another reason for keeping the whole thing a secret. I treasured those intimate moments alone with him no matter what the subject, no matter how much it hurt. All of our little "therapy sessions" somehow managed to end with a hug, me practically melting into him as his arms snaked around my waist, thanking me for whatever it was I helped him figure out. I would burry my face in his hair, memorizing the scent that was so uniquely Logan it couldn't be described.
James and Carlos were a lot more perceptive than people gave them credit for. Most wrote them off as air heads that didn't know much about anything because of how goofy they acted all the time, but I knew better. Still, even though I built up carefully constructed walls around my secret, they were able to see right threw it. About a month ago James had come up to me, in the middle of rehearsal, when Logan had left the room for a minute to get a drink of water, and asked me when I was going to grow some balls and tell him that I was, in James's words, "Totally gay for him." I had just stared open mouthed at him while Carlos laughed from his side.
Since then they would give me little pep talks whenever we had a free moment alone. Telling me that they could see Logan was into me too, and that he wouldn't say no to me. Still, I couldn't get the dread out of my stomach, and it wasn't until the incredibly annoying duo had threatened to out me themselves that I agreed to my current predicament, which was why I was stuck looking into Logan's brown eyes that held curiosity as he took in my worried complexion, wondering why I had pulled him into our room as soon as we got home from the recording studio.
This was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do in my life. Harder then state freshmen year, when we were five goals down going to the last quarter, and man, that had been fucking hard.
Feelings were hard. Feeling were difficult. Feelings were just really fucking complicated. Hard to explain, and hard to describe. So I didn't even try.
It was risky, doing it this way, but I knew my mouth wouldn't form cohesive words if I tried talking, so I did the only thing I knew to show him how much he meant to me. I kissed him.
As I leaning forward, invading his personal space and brought our lips lightly together he was froze, shocked by my ministrations, but I couldn't stop now, couldn't register whether the shock he was feeling was positive or negative, I just focused on kissing him. It was slow and sweet, but full of emotion. Explaining every hope and every fear that had ever crossed my mind. My hands came up to cup his face and the world fucking stopped spinning when I felt his lips start to move against my own, his arms coming up around my neck and into my hair.
This was what heaven felt like. We were floating on clouds a thousand miles above the earth, spinning around and around in the sky, never wanting to come down off this high, but soon the need for air became overpowering and I pulled away, leaning our foreheads against each other, opening my eyes to look at him.
It was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen, Logan, staring up pat me through half-lidded eyes that showed he had wanted this just as badly as I did, that he had the same fears, same hopes, same dreams.
Sometime words were frivolous and unnecessary fluff that got in the way of what you were really feeling. No words were exchanged, and yet we both knew everything that needed to be known. We knew the risks, we knew the dangers, but we also knew what happiness this could bring, and we were willing to put in on the line for a shot, because this was going to go somewhere, somewhere big. And really, how important were word after all?
Again I don't even know where this came from. SO RANDOM! And the whole thing about hating Grease at the beginning, that is on behalf of the amazing cast I was part of this summer, we did (you guessed it!) GREASE and had to hear the songs over and over again for five days a week, five hours a day, for over a month, to the point were we will still get angry if a Grease song is played. I never want to hear "We Go Together" EVER AGAIN! *End Rant* but, I don't know what else I can say...Review please? And thank you for reading! You make my life happy! =D