"Hey, Alex," Kathy Stabler said, sitting on her couch as the ADA answered her phone call. "I don't suppose you've seen my husband around, have you? He isn't home yet."
"Hold on, Kathy, let me check... he was supposed to leave by now." There was some rustling as Alex carried her cell phone with her into the next room, peeking around a doorway. Muffled giggles followed. "Your husband is currently fast asleep with three drunk lesbians on top of him."
"I hope for his sake that they are also asleep, and that they're clothed," Kathy said, picking up on the humor in Alex's voice. She was not overly concerned.
"Yep. He, Olivia, Abbie, and Serena are all squeezed on my couch, defying the laws of physics and snoring away. I'll wake Odysseus up for you and send him home to his endlessly patient, ever-faithful Penelope."
"Who is this Penelope chick? I'll kick her ass," Kathy teased back.
"Bye, Kathy. Give the kids our love."
"Actually, they're out tonight, and Eli's asleep. That's part of the reason I want my husband to come home."
"I'll let him know he's required for husbandly duties."
Hitting the End Call button, Alex left her cell phone to charge and wandered back into the living room where her girlfriend and their pile of guests were still snoozing. Olivia, the lightest sleeper, opened her eyes as soon as Alex entered the room. "Huh – what?" she slurred, immediately realizing that she was in an awkward position. She tried to move, but thought better of it when she realized that wiggling free might disturb Serena's head and Abbie's pelvis. "Um..."
"You all fell asleep playing Twister," Alex said, approaching the couch and stroking Olivia's hair away from her forehead.
The soft conversation woke Elliot up next, who became similarly wide-eyed and uncomfortable once he realized that he had three women mostly on top of him. "Uh, how did this happen?"
Olivia grinned at him, giving the back of his calf a nudge with her conveniently placed toe. "I guess you're just a chick magnet, partner."
"Kathy called," Alex said. "I informed her that you were sleeping with three lesbians."
Elliot groaned, causing Abbie and Serena to stir. "You didn't really tell her that, did you?"
"She isn't mad, I explained the situation, but she wants her husband to come home. She implied that you might get lucky tonight."
Elliot shoved Abbie Carmichael off of his leg and tried to stand up. "Mff," Abbie mumbled, suddenly finding her face on the couch. "Don't tell anybody about this, Stabler," she warned him. "I don't sleep with men."
"Well, now you just did." Elliot stuck out his tongue, but the gesture was lost on Abbie, whose eyes remained firmly shut.
Serena did not add to the conversation. While Olivia and Elliot stood, she cuddled closer to her girlfriend, sighing softly as she buried her nose in Abbie's hair and spooned her from behind. Seeming grateful for the extra legroom, Abbie stretched out, letting Serena's arm wrap around her waist.
"Aw, they're cute. Get the camera, Alex," Olivia said.
Abbie growled low in the back of her throat, sounding like a dog that didn't want to be touched.
"I don't think so," Alex said. "Do it yourself if you're so inclined, but I know better than to irritate Abbie. She'll find a way to irritate you right back five times as much."
"Damn straight. Uh, not straight. Whatever."
"Stay there for a bit and sleep it off, Tex," Olivia said. "We'll send Elliot home."
"Bye, Elliot," Alex said. "Use protection! I don't want Olivia in any more car accidents driving your wife to the hospital."
Elliot laughed. "No thanks, Cabot. No more kids for us. Five is plenty."
Making sure that her partner was alert enough to drive, Olivia ran her fingers through sleep-tangled hair and walked him to the front door. "Want me to see you to the car?" she asked.
"What are you, my date to prom?" Elliot snorted. "I think I can handle it from here."
"I'll come anyway." Olivia's cop instincts and protectiveness towards Elliot wouldn't allow her to do anything less. Putting on a pair of Alex's boots by the door, she grabbed a coat and one of her girlfriend's scarves. When Elliot saw what she was wearing, he began to laugh. "What is it, smartass?"
"That scarf is pink."
"It's... not you."
"What, I can't wear pink? I'm a girl, you know. I wear bras and panties..."
Elliot rolled his eyes. "Ugh, please don't remind me," he requested as they headed down the stairs. "You're hot and all, but you're my partner."
"-and thongs and everything..."
"Stop before Alex has to kill me. I got a wife and kids at home!"
"Shut up, Liv, before I make you shut up. You might be a girl, but I'll still kick your butt like a man if you force me to."
"You mean I'll make you cry like a girl if you force me to." Giving her partner a clap on the shoulder, Olivia saw Elliot into his car and watched his taillights pull out to join the stream of nighttime traffic. It wasn't too congested, so hopefully he would be home before Kathy had to send out a search party.
Heading back upstairs, the detective was met by her smiling girlfriend waiting for her in the doorway. As Olivia stepped inside and closed the door, Alex pulled her in by the pink scarf for a soft, lingering kiss. "Hmm. Hi there, lover."
"Hi..." Olivia said dreamily, unable to stop smiling.
Alex unwound the scarf from around Olivia's neck and draped it over the coat rack while Olivia kicked off Alex's boots and unthreaded her arms from the sleeves of her coat. "Interesting ensemble you're wearing there, Detective," the former ADA purred, snagging Olivia by the beltloops of her jeans instead. "Well, all three children are out like a light..." she nodded her head in the direction of the living room where Abbie and Serena were snoozing contentedly. Clearly, they were the second two children she was referring to, since Calvin was already asleep in his room. "Want to have some grown-up time?"
Olivia's sweet smile turned into a sly grin. Pressing her body against Alex's side, she deliberately kissed the corner of the attorney's mouth, nibbling her way to the center and tugging on a plump lower lip. "Mmm. I'm sure..." Kiss "... We can..." Kiss "- Entertain ourselves..." Nip.
Pulling up the hem of her sweater, Alex tugged it over her head and tossed it against Olivia's chest. Turning around to remind Olivia just how well she filled out her jeans, the blonde lawyer swayed down the hallway leading to the bedroom in just her bra. After a few moments of dazed observation, Olivia collected herself and ran to catch up, still holding the sweater. Hopefully, she could convince Alex to shed even more of her clothing in the next minute or two.
Meanwhile, back at the Stabler household, Elliot was also greeted at the front door by a kiss from his wife. However, the kiss was followed by a mock glare. Kathy put her hands on her hips, regarding her husband with a frown. "Do you want to explain why Alex Cabot called to tell me that she caught you sleeping with three lesbians?"
"She told me that you called her, and sleeping with lesbians is no fun at all," Elliot muttered, taking off his coat so he had more mobility in his shoulders. That taken care of, he gave his wife a hug. "If tonight's anything to go by, they just get drunk and fall asleep watching TV. What you really need to worry about are bisexuals. They're more of a threat."
"Like your partner?"
Elliot rolled his eyes. "Olivia? No way. Not only would that be incestuous, but you and Alex would have to do Rock, Paper, Scissors to figure out which one of you got to castrate me."
"Good boy. I trained you well."
"Maybe you and Alex should write a book for women: HowToMakeSureYourSpouseIsWhipped..." Elliot suddenly realized that the house was awfully quiet aside from his wife's soft laughter. "Where are the kids and Eli?"
"Eli is fed, changed, and asleep, and your other two nestlings are out for the night." Since Kathleen and Maureen were in college, Eli was asleep, and Lizzie and Dickie had apparently flown the coop, all five Stabler children were absent, giving Elliot and Kathy some time to themselves for a change.
Elliot winked. "I guess Cabot was right."
"She told me to use protection."
Kathy laughed. "Oh. I suppose she doesn't know about the vasectomy Olivia and I are pooling our money to give you on your birthday."
Elliot immediately went very pale. "... Kathy?"