Author's Notes: Written for the darkship prompt meme, the prompt: "too much/too rough." Title comes from Monster, by Lady Gaga.
A Monster in My Bed
Finn gets like this sometimes.
Kurt tries to pretend he doesn't mind; that it's not a big deal. He does sort of tease Finn about frequently failing his "big man" role in this relationship (Tina told him some word for it she knew, but he's forgotten now); he can understand where Finn's coming from.
He knows the basis of it – the gay panic reaction. No matter how much Finn pretends he's fine with it, he's still scared of the fact he's Caught The Gay. Forcefully reaffirming his position as the man to Kurt's 'woman' pacifies that slightly.
Yes, it hurts – it's shockingly ignorant and heteronormative. Is dismisses everything Kurt holds important about his sexual identity in the first place. But still, he ignores it – it's not like Finn does that all the time, or even when they're out of bed. He should be grateful Finn doesn't abandon him entirely.
Okay, yes, he grew up bathed in feminist messages about how you should never change for a partner, or have sex if you're not comfortable with it, and blah blah blah – but then again, he's not actually a girl, as much as Finn may prefer it if he was. So all that may not apply. Okay, that's stupid, but he doesn't care.
It's annoying – how much harder he has to fight to keep Finn. Finn's not like him; he knows that, and has accepted it. Still, it makes him mad when he catches Finn checking out Rachel's boobs when he thinks Kurt can't see. Finn isn't like him – he gets a choice in this. He could just dump Kurt because it's too hard, then run off with some pretty girl – and mean it one hundred percent. That's not fair; why should Kurt have to try so much harder to keep him?
Okay, sometimes he takes it out on Finn. But just like Finn, he doesn't do it out of bed – sometimes he takes his control back without having to actually complain; makes it rough and dirty. It's not a big deal. Finn doesn't seem to mind, and after all, if he's meant to be the big man, he can take it like a man.
It's just that – there's so much of Finn. If Finn tries to take control, Kurt would never have a chance of fighting him off. When Finn gets like that, telling him what to do and how to do it, he doesn't feel turned on – he just feels powerless. And Kurt, for all his attitude, feels that entirely too much from the rest of the world to be comfortable with it from his boyfriend.
When Finn holds him close after, he doesn't feel protected or warm or anything like that – he feels suffocated, and not just in a literal sense.
But he doesn't say anything. Because it's Finn, and Kurt loves him. And if he says no, then he'll lose what little hold he even has.
Kurt gets like this sometimes.
It's not his fault; Finn can understand that. His life kind of sucks a lot of the time, and he reacts to that. Finn couldn't really expect him not to.
It just kind of... hurts sometimes. And not just the bitemarks and bruises and scratches that sometimes happen – Finn can take that; he's a big guy. It's just... Kurt treats him like he's worthless, when they're like that. And Finn doesn't like to feel that way. Is that so weird?
Okay, he's being stupid. He knows plenty of people do this sort of thing just because, y'know, they think it's hot. It's not like Kurt acts like Quinn; he won't just bitch at Finn and highlight every flaw Finn has because he's mad at the world for some reason. It's not even like this is their normal thing with sex. It's just sort of something that happens, and Finn should be okay with that.
But he's not. He kind of wants to say he's not, because it doesn't feel like a secret in his head – he'd probably admit to Kurt it's not exactly his favorite thing in the world, even though he puts up with it because Kurt wants it. But the problem is... Kurt kind of doesn't ask. And that's scary.
Okay, most of the time, Finn just kind of doesn't know what he's doing. He doesn't really know what Kurt wants, and he feels like a douche for not knowing, so he doesn't ask in case Kurt gets mad at him. Kurt nags him to be the "man" in their relationship – he does it in a kind of joking way, but still, Finn sees the truth in the joke or whatever. So he does his best to do that, even if it seems kind of not helping the whole 'gay' thing.
He knows it bugs Kurt that he's not gay. He knows Kurt's way more okay – although still not happy, 'cause duh – if he catches Finn checking out another guy than a girl. Kurt's just kind of insecure that Finn will go back to straightness if he freaks out, even though Finn doesn't see how that would work, because this town would never let him forget it, ever. Still, it all seems kind of unfair, because it's not like Finn chose to still like girls anymore than Kurt chose not to like them – sure, it probably gives him privilege or whatever, but is that really a reason for Kurt not to trust him?
That's just the thing. Kurt takes everything out on him, hurts him, and even in a sexy context it feels like Kurt still won't trust him. Finn's not sure he deserves it, but he's trying his best and getting little-to-nothing in return.
But he won't say it. Because Kurt loves him. Finn doesn't deserve that, given how he keeps screwing up, so he's not taking it for granted and taking a risk.