This started as a piece between Cooper and Mark and their whole relationship (which I might still do later) but then James got angsty on me and this is what came out. At this point, I don't fight these things. I just go with them.
This was going to be just a oneshot but now it could possibly be a couple more than that. It definitely won't be more than four or five at the absolute most.
I stepped into the club with Cooper at my side. My ears were nearly bleeding at the sound of the horrible techno music that was blaring from the speakers. Connor wasn't with us because I had left him with Tiffany for the night. I was out to surprise Mark because I wasn't even supposed to be in town and Cooper was out for the party and the booze so we didn't want to have to worry about Connor at all. Luckily Tiffany was a good girls and she would take good care of him. She was one of the few people that I could trust to handle him on their own. He completely adored her so the two of them were like peas in a pod or something like that.
"Dad I'm going over there!" Cooper said, pointing to a table that had Adam, Randy, Evan and JoMo at it.
"Kay," I said with a nod. "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
Cooper just rolled his eyes at me and took off without another word. I watched him go for a moment and then began to make my way through the club, desperately seeking out Mark. I had already called Glenn ahead of time and annoyed him until he told me where Mark was going to be hanging out tonight. So unless Mark had changed his mind or Crispy lied to me, he had to be around somewhere.
I eventually made my way to the bar, actually thinking about getting on top of it so I could get a better view of the place. Even though I was just below seven feet tall, the place was so dark and crowded that even I was having a hard time seeing anything. Before I could actually go through with that plan though, I finally spotted Mark about seven feet away. He was leaning back against the bar and making out with none other than Michelle McSkank herself. They were literally all over each other, his tongue shoved halfway down her throat while they groped each other like they were a couple of fucking teenagers or something. It was absolutely sickening but I couldn't do anything. I just stood there and tried to deny what I was seeing but I couldn't. It was right there in front of me and it wouldn't go away, no matter how much I wanted it to.
Without even thinking about what I was doing, I staggered away from them and pushed my way through the crowd so I could make my escape out into the alley behind the club. The air stunk because of the dumpster near me but I didn't even give a shit about that. The image I had just seen was now embedded in my mind and it wouldn't go away. It was burning its way into my very core and I couldn't take it. I began punching the brick wall as hard as I could, screaming like a madman. I literally felt bones in my hand break but I hardly even cared about that. I just kept punching away until I literally could not take the searing pain for another second. "Fuck!" I shouted, sinking down to my knees and cradling my hand to my chest. The pain was horrendous but it was nothing compared to the pain inside of me. My heart felt like it had just been smashed with a semi-truck and now I couldn't breathe. I couldn't fucking breathe to save my own life.
I should have fucking gone over there and ripped them apart. I should have fucking grabbed her by her fucking hair and killed her on the spot before getting in Mark's face and asking him just what the hell he had been doing. But even though part of me still wanted to do that, I made no move to get up. My legs were refusing to work for me. They kept me planted there on the dirty ground, allowing my mind to think about things that I didn't want to think about. Dear old Mark and Michelle looked way too familiar with each other right there. Tonight probably wasn't even the first time they had done something like that. Knowing Mark's past history, they had probably done it a thousand times already. Those rumors about them being a couple had to come from somewhere…
I stared down at my rapidly swelling hand, hating myself pretty much now more than I've ever have before. I felt so fucking stupid. Mark had looked me in the eye and told me that he had absolutely no interest in Michelle and I had believed him. I had fucking believed him even though I knew better. Mark out on the road meant he was out fucking around on me. It had always meant that. The cheating had really begun once the wrestling had started. That was why I hated it so much. It wasn't just because it kept him away from me. It provided him more chances to screw anyone he wanted and break every promise he had ever made to me.
Promises…why do I even believe them at this point? I wasn't an idiot. I knew the score. I had been down this road too many times to count. Mark would cheat and if I found out he would swear that it meant nothing and that he loved me and he would never do it again. And me being me, I made myself believe him even though I knew better. What the fuck does that say about me?
My hand was beginning to turn different colors and I needed to go to the hospital. I made no move to get up though. Who even cared honestly? I didn't. I actually felt like I deserved it at this point. I was a fool. A huge fucking fool. Why would Mark ever change? I had never given him reason to think there would ever be consequences to his actions. Every time he's cheated on me, I've allowed him to get away with it. Why would he think anything would be different now? As far as he's concerned, I'll forgive him right off the bat and he'll be back in my bed when he feels like being there. It'll be business as fucking usual for him.
So really, it's all my fault. It really is. I allow him to do it and don't really punish him for the shit he puts me through. There has been only one time I've ever thrown him out and told him not to come back. That wasn't because he had cheated on me though. It was because Cooper had run away and he had showed me he hadn't gave a shit at all. And I did not take that well at all. I kicked him out and told him to not come back but he didn't stay away for long. He just filed for divorce from his first wife Jodi, convincing me that our vicious cycle was finally going to end and I took him back eagerly. But it didn't end. Over a decade later and this shit was still happening. It was fucking old and I fucking hated it. It just made me sick to my stomach.
Of course the question becomes why do I stay if this is what keeps happening. If Mark won't change, then why do I bother? That's not something I get into people because I don't know how to properly justify myself to anyone. I just tell them he's "my Marky" like that explains everything. And sometimes, that's enough. Since he stopped drinking and since he "swore" off marriage, we haven't fought nearly as much as we used to. I actually had believed that Mark had changed and realized I was enough for him. He didn't need an army of skanks on the side. He had me and that was enough.
What a fool I am huh? What a fucking fool. Mark's a leopard that doesn't change his spots. I should have listened to the little voice of doubt that had lingered on, even when everything was good. After all the years of lying and cheating, how could I not have some doubts? I'm a psychotic killer but I'm not that crazy. Still, my will to hide in my usual land of denial had sheltered me from that seed of doubt, protecting me from it until it all came crashing down and all I had was it.
I blinked and looked up, startled to see Cooper standing right by me. "Your hand," I said weakly, reaching out and touching his bloody knuckles.
He shook his head and knelt down beside me, wincing when he saw my broken hand. "My hand? What about yours?" He gently tried to examine it, flinching when I hissed in pain. "Why couldn't you have broken it against that idiot's face like I did?"
That was an attempt to get me to crack a grin but I couldn't do it. I was already going through the inevitable conversation the two of us were going to have inside of my hand. He would tell me that I deserved better and that I needed to end things with Mark. And honestly, at the moment, I did want to listen to him. I was tired of all of this. I was tired of being cheated on, lied to, and I was definitely tried of being the fool…I was really just tired of all of it.
Because contrary to popular belief, there is more to me than the loud, obnoxious killer persona I show the world. There is more to me than murder and chaos and tormenting Phil. There is a real man underneath it all and that real man is hurt. Really really hurt and fucking betrayed. A part of me actually wants to seek out and tell Mark that I'm done. I shouldn't have to put up with this. I want and need someone who loves me unconditionally and will stay faithful and devoted to me. If he doesn't want to give that to me then what's the point?"
"He don't deserve you," Cooper said, wrapping his arms around me and holding on for dear life. "You shouldn't have to put up with this. Leave him. I'm begging you to do it."
I didn't say anything. Despite my current state of mind, this wasn't as easy as is should be. See, here's the thing that gets me to stay despite the never ending cycle of bullshit. It's not love nor "fate" (whatever the fuck that means these days)-it's fear. Not fear of what Mark would do if I left him but fear of being alone. I needed someone to love and cling to and Mark was it. I didn't have anyone else. And because of my fear, I put up with far more shit than I would otherwise.
"Daddy please, you don't deserve this," Cooper said, trying to force eye contact with me. "You don't. I love you and I can't stand seeing you like this."
Again I stayed quiet. Why should I believe him? He knows me as daddy, so of course he's biased in the way he thinks. He doesn't realize that I might not be a creature worth the love I seek. It was engrained in my head since the day I was born that I was nothing. Just a waste of space to be despised and used and then tossed aside. Caroline broke me and the damage has never been fully undone. Nether Annabelle or Mark could ever really fully save me. They kept me sane, my light and my protector, but there is much more damage to me than they could handle. Annabelle knew about it but because couldn't save me fully because she was broken herself. As for Mark…well my Mark has never been good with emotions and shit. I try to talk to him and stuff but he don't get it. He witnessed Caroline's reign of terror and he knows what she did and how she fucked me up but he doesn't get it. He never has and he never will.
"Come on." Cooper pulled me up to my feet and held me steady. "I'm taking you to the hospital."
I didn't try to fight him even though I normally objected to going to a hospital of any kind. I just let him lead me out of the alley while wishing I had never come here in the first place. They say ignorance is bliss and I really really wished I was ignorant at the moment.
I froze and looked over to see Mark (who was now sporting a broken and bloody nose) comeing out of the club with Glenn, Bret, Natalya and Phil close behind him. Cooper's face contorted in an expression of rage and I knew that the shit was about to get even uglier.
"Lawson!" Mark said again, his efforts to get to me being severely hindered by everyone else around him. "Damn it let go!"
Bret shook his head as he tried to pull Mark back into the club. "This is not a good idea. You-"
Mark wrenched himself free from Bret's grip, only to run into Cooper's fist meeting his face. He stumbled back, his eyes narrowing before taking a swing of his own. Cooper was able to duck it though and he kneed Mark in the gut before going for his knife. Bret and Glenn quickly jumped in and held Cooper back, which only made him go even crazier.
"GET OFF ME!" Cooper screamed, pitching a fit right then and there for the world to see. "HE HURT HIM! HE FUCKING HURT HIM! I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!"
"Cooper-" Glenn was cut off by a rather hard and nasty head butt to his nose, courtesy of Cooper.
"FUCK YOU CRISPY! YOU STAY THE FUCK OUT OF THIS!"
"Cooper please stop!" Bret pleaded. "Please calm down…"
Mark tried to ignore Cooper's antics so he could address me and feed me what he knew I wanted to hear. "James let me explain-"
"Explain?" Cooper said incredulously. "I think your actions spoke loud enough for the entire fucking world to hear!"
"Damn right they have," Natalya said coldly. She looked ready to go after Mark herself if Cooper didn't get to it soon. "We all saw you Mark and that was DISGUSTING!"
"Nobody asked for your opinion," Mark snapped, getting testy because he was caught and cornered and had no way out. "I want to talk to James alone-"
"So you can lie to him again?" Cooper growled. "No. Fuck you. You stay away from him."
"Hey, what if he wants to talk to me?" Mark countered. "You can't stop him from doing what he wants."
"I can't," I finally said, shriveling up inside when all eyes turned to me. I couldn't do this right now. I was so sick and tired of all of this. Even stomaching the thought of talking to Mark and hearing the same shit he said every time we went through this just made me want to puke. "I can't do this."
"Then don't," Cooper said, pushing Mark away and trying to direct me towards the car. "I'm getting you to the hospital."
"Hospital?" Mark said, his face paling a bit. "What's the matter? What's wrong with him?"
"None of your business," Cooper snapped.
Mark's eyes narrowed and he grabbed Cooper by the scruff of the neck and I lost it. Without even thinking I smashed by broken fist against his face, getting him to let go of Cooper but also hurting myself even worse than I already was. I almost actually blacked out from the pain, which allowed Nattie and Cooper to all but shove me in the car and whisk me away to the hospital before Mark could try to do another thing about it.