Hi, ladies, gentlemen, and less-than-straight guys, this is Gin Ichimaru from Hueco Mundo Eyewitness News 5, here reporting to YOU the juiciest news! Coming up this session:
-Taxidermists still rage in a fuming battle against former Espada Neliel Tu Odelschwank, claiming that her outfit is made out of the rare "Snuffleupagis fur". Who will win this frightening debate, and will the case go to court?
-Scandal! Espada Tia Harribel found guilty of false advertising!
-In a tragic game of "Ultimate Cero," Cuatro Espada Ulquiorra Cifer managed to "accidentally" blow Grimmjow's arm off again!
-Bob's Taco Shack finally admits to serving live Shinigami on Tuesday nights to local drug dealers!
All of this juicy news will follow after a short commercial break!
I believe it's time for some commercials!
Have you ever dreamed of being a Super-star? Well, try your luck in Arrancar Idol! Judges Tia Harribel, Grimmjow Jaegerjaquez, Neliel Tu Odelschwank, and Ulquiorra Cifer are proud (Well, at least Nel is) to be judging you in this spectacular contest of singing, drama, and insults! NO RAP MUSIC ALLOWED! Yes, Nnoitra, this includes Eminem. Contest will start this weekend!
Taxidermists vs. Neliel—who will win?
Local Taxidermists are threatening to sue former third Espada Neliel Tu Odelschwank for "stealing" their rare Snuffleupagis fur to make her outfit. Right now, their claim to sue is not much of a threat, especially since local doctors have dubbed them "Clinically Insane". Neliel and her lawyers are still very curious about what exactly a "Snuffleupagis" is, and have check all of the local library listings for news. Unfortunately, the search came up negative. Neliel will continue to search for this "Snuffleupagis" and hold her guard against these crazy Taxidermists.
False Advertising! Oh no! What did Harribel do this time?
Tres Espada Tia Harribel has been sued yet again by Quinto Espada Nnoitra Jiruga, this time for claimed "False Advertising". Judges have no idea what "False Advertising" is supposed to mean, and are speculating that Nnoitra is just using this opportunity to earn some money and hit on Harribel. SHAME ON YOU, NNOITRA!
This right here appears to be a commercial.
Espadas Grimmjow, Zommari, Nnoitra, and former Espada Gantenbainne are proud to introduce the "Arrancar Battle of the Bands"! If you'd like to participate, please sign up before this Friday. Below is a list of Bands participating and songs being performed.
Band Name: WE IZ OSOM FO SHO (Except Ulquiorra—he's a fun-sucker)
Band Members: Ulquiorra (Guitarist) Grimmjow (Bassist) Zommari (Drummer) Nnoitra (Keyboardist) Gantenbainne (Singer)
Songs Performed: Sweet Emotion by Aerosmith, Sweet Child O' Mine by Guns n' Roses, Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen, Hot For Teacher by Van Halen
Band Name: The Cooling Crew
Band Members: Cirucci (Guitarist) Harribel (Drummer) Nel (Singer)
Songs Performed: I Just Died In Your Arms Tonight by The Cooling—I mean, Cutting Crew, Dream On by Aerosmith, We Are the Champions by Queen
Band Name: Fraccion Action
Band Members: Tesla (Keyboardist) Ggio Vega (Guitarist) Charlotte Cuulhourne (Singer) Apache (Bassist) Yylfordt (Drummer)
Songs Performed: Eye of the Tiger by Survivor, the Lumberjack Son by Monty Python, Jump by Van Halen
Band Name: New Girls (and Starrk) on the Block
Band Members: Mila Rose (Singer) Lilynette (Drummer) Loly (Keyboardist) Menoly (Guitarist) Starrk (Bassist)
Songs Performed: Baby by Justin Barfer, um, excuse me Bieber, Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, Single Ladies by Beyonce, Never Gonna Give You Up by Rick Astley
Yes! That obnoxiously long commercial is finally over!
Grimmjow's arm blown off again!
It seems that Ulquiorra managed to "accidentally" blow Grimmjow's arm off in a game of Ultimate Cero! The following is a real-life interview with Ulquiorra, Nnoitra, and Gin following the topic.
GIN: So, Ulquiorra, is it true that you were the one to blow Grimmjow's arm off?
ULQUIORRA: Yes. It was quite fun.
GIN: So was this an accident?
ULQUIORRA: An accident? Of course it was no—
NNOITRA: YES, YES, IT WAS DEFINITELY AN ACCIDENT! NOTHING TO SEE HERE, PEOPLE!
GIN: Hello Nnoitra.
GIN: Would you mind it if I called you 'Nootra'?
NNOITRA: Don't even think about it, fox boy.
GIN: Did you just call me foxy? Why Nootra, I'm quite flattered, but I don't really think I'm your type.
NNOITRA: YOU IDIOT! YOU KNOW THAT WASN'T WHAT I SAID! AND DIDN'T I TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT?
GIN: No problem…Nootra.
Grimmjow is currently in Hueco Mundo Hospital for Limb Problems, having his arm fixed and viewing old Monty Python sketches.
Live Shinigami fed to midnight Drug-Dealers!
Popular eatery Bob's Taco Shack has just admitted to feeding and selling live Shinigami to late-night Drug Dealers! A few Espada find this to be an outrage (Harribel) while some like this idea of Shinigami being eaten alive (Grimmjow and Nnoitra). Others couldn't care less (Ulquiorra) and some are too tired to care (Starrk). Whatever the Espada think doesn't really matter, because it is Aizen who gets the final say in this. And this is Aizen's say:
"Since I am awesome and epic, I now command that every third Tuesday of the month is now Foozeday, and that every Sunday is now Sundae. My orders are incapable of being revoked. Do not even try. Oh, what's this? The taco issue? Oh, never mind that. Let's just focus on Foozeday and Sundae. What? No, I don't care if innocent Shinigami are eaten alive! I hate Shinigami! Make sure they fry up that white-haired kid Hitsugaya real well! And save a bite for me! Haha, he's so ridiculous. I like to call him HitsuGAYa! Haha…"
So, apparently, we shall continue to let these drug dealers (and Aizen) consume Shinigami meat.
Well, it's time to go!
It was a pleasure delivering the news to you, faithful Arrancar, but I'm afraid it's time to go! Next time on HMEN5:
-Arrancar Idol, round one results
-Ulquiorra's secret passion revealed! What could it be?
-Grimmjow has a severe mental breakdown! Oh no!
-Aizen forces the Espada to watch Twilight! AH! MY EYES!
That's all for now, folks. Catch ya next time! This is Gin Ichimaru, signing off
Ah, that hiatus was nice, but I missed writing for you guys :)
I'm so thankful for all of the praise i've gotten for the Hueco Mundo Gazette, and I'm very proud to introduce this sequal. Like with the HMG, I plan to update every other day, but of course, I may get off schedul occasionally. Feel free to submit ideas! They help me. And don't worry, I'll include the audience with this one too.
Catch ya later,