1 - longing

Being a teenager is always hard, no matter who you are, and it can get so bad sometimes that you start thinking about the future. Sometimes its about jobs, sometimes its about relationships, sometimes its about families and friends- and then you get them realy wierd times when its the pracitising infront of the mirror in your bedroom for ages. For me, I couldnt think about the future, as i was already dreading the prescent.

See, when I was just 10 years old, my mother died. She was shot in the street, for trying to protect my older brother, Warren, who then was shot and killed aswel. I had no other family, as i had never known who my farther was and my mother was an only child of my grandperants who died when I was 7.

So, i was taken into care, fished around to a different 'family' every other month, untill I was 14. Thats when I decided enough was enough. I ran away, robbing and fighting my way for money, untill I was 16 anyway.

Its not the best, but I'm getting my own life together now, staying at anyone's that I can, and doing what ever I can to keep my self working.

And yeah, it is hard, and most of the time its almost unbearable. But I've been brought up to be strong, to not qiuver away when everyone else does, not be a pussy basicaly. It was one of the main things my mother taught me, and one I'll remember and live by forever.

My feet moved qiuckly over the traintracks, as I could see the train comeing in the close distance, but had to get the rush off it before I could bring myself to carry on. I pulled myself up and over the fence, into the garden of a big corner house, where I could see a nice little family having dinner at there dining room table. The back doors were glass and lit up with the light from inside, but I didnt bother to crouch down or even try to hide now, as they'd saw me once before anyway.

I stared for a few seconds, watching the mother smile warmly as she cleaned her little daughters face smoothly, and then as the farther joked with the teenage boy about it, and they then began laughing. it was an image of joy, of happiness and security, something I'd only longed for in the past few years of my life now.

The farther saw me then, and stood up qiuckly, frowning as they all turned to stare at me curiously with confused and wary eyes.

I always came here, just to watch how peacefull this little family was, but the time they'd spotted me before, they'd acted more shocked and wary then this one too. I couldnt move now though, and nor did I realy want to, as the man qiuckly moved around the table and to the doors, opening them slowly to look out at me and possibly scare me away.

I backed away a few steps though, just incase, as I constantly had to be wary.

"Who are you?" he asked in a low voice, edging forward but staying inside the door as he was wary of me now aswel, like everyone is.

I didnt answer him, just stared, debateing whether to jump back over the fence or carry on through other peoples gardens untill I reached the one I wanted. My silence and hesitation made him frown more, and take a deep breath then.

"Where's your perants?" he asked in the same voice, but with a twist of understanding in there now. I hesitated to give him an answer, fighting with myself to just go and leave them alone again.

"I dont have any" I answered him softly, staing for one more second, before I pulled my bag back upto my shoulder and started heading towards the other fence, pulling myself up and over it without and hesitation now. I was running then, jumping over loads of other gardens, untill i reached the alley way.

I walked out of that slowly, slowing my heart race down some more, as i went out into the street and started walking down it onto the main road.

Running down the middle of the motorway, getting beeped at constantly as you weave in and out of the raceing cars, freezing when a truck or lorry flys past and makes a shiver run violently down your spine, the rush gets harder and the exitement more livid.

I was in Jay's street qiuckly, hearing the music muted from his house, as I pulled my bag back upto my shoulder properly again and started jogging slightly. He answered the door qiuckly when I knocked, but his face was sorrowed and regretful.

"Hey sammy" he said, his voice mimiking his expression.

"Hey Jay, what's up?"

"I dont think you can crash here tonight, bab'. My sister's back from Uni for abit, so we aint got no more beds or anything, and my dad's sleeping on the couch at the minute. Have you got anywhere else?"

"Erm, yeah, course I have. Dont worry about it mate, you'v been great for having me, and i do apprieciate it, you know. I'll see you soon, enit?" i asked, smileing fakely the best i could, as my stomach twisted and a lump rose in my throat now.

"Alright, sound man. I'll see you later" he replied, nodding slowly as he shut the door, and i waited untill I was out of the street to drop down to the floor at the side of the end house.

I leant up against its wall, thinking of somewhere to go tonight, but I kept coming up blank every time. I'd been stopping at Jason's for just over a week now, and that was because I couldnt find anywhere else.

I guess I just wasnt sleeping tonight, then. Its ok though, I'v done it plenty of times, just not reasontly, thats all. or there was another option...

I neared the police station cautiously, and when I was just a few streets away from it, I looked for the closest person there was to me now, and then swung for them as soon as I was close enough to.

The guy who it was just moved out of the way, shouting at me and backing away abit, but my second punch caught his face, and he backed back abit then. Luckily, two coppers were walking down the street at the time, and they saw it qiuckly, running over to us and grabbing me to the floor. I struggled abit for the effect, but couldnt help my relieved smile and eagerness now as they pulled me back up off the cold concrete and i looked at the guy again.

He stared at me confuseingly, but i mouthed 'sorry, and thanks' to him before they started moveing me away, which made his eyes twist with understanding now. The guy copper put some cuffs on me whilst saying all this bullshit about rights and that I'm being arrested and all that, while the girl copper talked to the guy on the street, who was still stunned and stareing through the window at me with meaningful eyes.

The station process boared me, but when they took me into a cell and put me on the lumpy, freezing bed there, I let my smile grow wider instantly, and it didnt escape the womens eye now.

"Are you not regretfull at all about what you'v done?" she asked, shaking her head slightly, and makeing me smile up at her, as I pulled my legs up onto the bed and lay down abit.

"Can you shut the door on your way out, please?" i asked politely, which made her tut and sigh as she turned around and went out the cell, slamming the door hardly to close it and take the rip, but I couldnt bother with that now.

I lay down properly then, smileing to myself contently as my head rested on the thin pillow, my eyes closeing qiuckly through thier heaviness now.

I knew it wasnt the best, but at least I had a bed tonight, and a dry, clean place to sleep on that bed in.

XOXO Angel B