Love and Acceptence
A/N To start of this authors note, I would like to apologize for notupdating in a long. I'm pretty sure you've forgotten about me. The mainreason why I haven't updated is because of procrastination. There's noexcuse for that. My new years resolution is to update more , I will make not break this resolution. Let's cross reason why I haven't updated is because I got a virus on christmasin my laptop which definitely put a damper on my favorite holiday. LOL. But that's okay. I had to do a system restore and that deleted all my files,programs and documents. I had already written a part of this chapter a few months back and kept writing a bit throughout the past few months.I am so upset and I knew I should have done a backup for my documents but I didn't. It definitely taught me a lesson. Hopefully, you backup your files so the same thing won't happen to you. The materialthat I wrote I was so proud of was deleted so the rewritten chapter won't be probably as good as the original one so bare with me!.
Gabriella stared at the numbers in her clock. She wished time would go backwards so she wouldn't have to get up in30 minutes to get ready for school. It had been three days since Troy stood her up. She knew it would happen. Everytime, she attached herself to someone, she always wound up getting hurt. At 16, she already knew her destiny in life. Her life was to be filled with sadness and loneliness. Just the thought of it had her eyes well up in tears. She wished she could be happy. How could she be happy if she didn't feel accepted or belonged anywhere?. She was worthless, stupid,retarded,dumb, short and ugly. Nobody would like her. A wave of depression ran through Gabriella. The only thing that could give her an ounce of happiness was hiding in the cabinets in her bathroom. Gabriella didn't have to get up in another 30 minutes so she had time to kill. She couldn't sleep well for the past 3 days dreading monday morning have to face Troy. She hated confrontation. If anything, she was a passive girl. She wished she could be assertive. She removed Troy from her mind and focused on the knife that would soon await her. She pushed the covers off the bed, her feet feeling the coldness of the wooden floor. She shivered as she crossed her arms. It was always cold in the mornings. She made her way over to the bathroom, she flicked on the lights, blinding her eyes. She rubbed it making her eyes adjust to the brightness of the room. When her vision became clearer, she took a look at herself. She was grossed at what she saw every morning when she took a look at herself. Frizzy, puffy hair, dry cracked lips and dark circles under her eyes. No wonder no guy would ever ask her out. She was ugly. She pushed her thoughts of physical appearance away when her eyes landed on the cabinet. She opened it, taking the cold, metal and silver object in her hands
She grinned at the thought of the silver metal touching her soft skin causing a sensation of pain wavering throughout her arm. Gabriella didn't think she was crazy. She was showing gratification of her own shame to her own body by self-mutilating herself. She closed the cabinet door. Gabriella slowly let her fingers run through the metal enjoying the feeling before slashing against her skin creating a long red line. She slashed her arms three times more times. She looked at her arm that was filled with 4 long red lines that caused her so much pain. But she liked it, in fact, she loved it. Gabriella leaned against her wall deep in though trying to review everything that was going in her life. She pushed away the thoughts and made up scenes in her head, removing reality from her mind completely. She dreamt that her life was a bit more better. She would be well liked,beautiful, outgoing and smart. Even than, she would dream a different set of problems because she knew that no life was ever perfect. She created a perfect character with the perfect life. But her perfect life had some problems. But in the end, her character would go through the obstacles and live a happy life. She opened her eyes, sighing. She wished she could be happy. But no matter who she met and what she did, she knew in her heart, she would never achieve happiness for she's destined to live a life full of sadness and loneliness.
Gabriella gave a quick glance at the bathroom's clock. She groaned as the clock reached to 5:00. She slowly rose up from the floor,removed her clothes, turned the faucet on and slid herself into the shower. She let her fingers run through the drops of water that was falling to the ground. The hotness of the water gave her cuts an intense pain. But Gabriella kind of enjoyed the pain. It represented her.
When she finished her shower, closed the faucet, grabbed the towel and wrapped it around her shivering cold body. She stepped out of the shower, a wave of cold air smacked her body and shivered. Once again, she met herself in the mirror. She looked so ugly without makeup. She blew dry her hair, put a curling mousse to remove the frizz and make them look less puffy. She did her usual everyday makeup routine which consists brown eyeshadow,eyeliner on top and bottem tightlines, foundation, pressing powder to set foundation, light pink blush and coral pink lip gloss. She took last look in the mirror before going to her bedroom to choose an outfit. She decided to wear a black hoodie, black sweatpants and black boots. She took a few pieces of her hair to the front of her shoulders and fluffed it She wished she looked like the popular girls in the school. It took makeup and hair products to look good and feel a bit of confience. She took a deep breath and grabbed her backpack. "I guess i'm ready for another lonely day." She whispered to herself.
She scurried out of the bedroom and went into the kitchen which was filled with aroma and the sound of sizzling pancakes being cooked in a pan. She ate her breakfast and was out the door within 30 minutes.
The school bus came to a halt, Gabriella metally slapped herself and felt butterflies in her stomach. Today was the day that she knew that Troy was going to apologize to her. She stepped off the bus and walked inside the school. The hallway was filled with kids chattering, walking and laughing. Oh how Gabriella envied the happiness of others. She wished she could talk, laugh and walk with a friend without a care in the world. But in her case, that was never going to happen. She slowly walked up the hallway and spotted her friend Sharpay.
She walked up to her and greeted. "Hey Shar!"
The blonde girl stopped admiring herself in the mirror and turned her to her little friend. "Sooo, how was the mall Friday?."
Gabriella's eyes looked down at the floor, avoiding her friend's eyes. "He stood me up."
"What?." Sharpay shoved a book into her locker, removing the things from her backpack. "I'm going to kill that boy!. How could he fucking do that a beautiful and sweet girl?."
Gabriella rolled her eyes. She knew that people sugarcoated the truth and lie to her face. It was completely bullshit especially when they tell her that she's smart. "I wish!"
"Honey, you don't believe it." Sharpay pulled a mini mirror out of her locker and shoved it in front of her face. "I wish to have those long beautiful curls, smile and your eyes. I could just eat you up."
Gabriella grabbed the mirror and placed it on the shelf in her locker. "It's all an allusion. Makeup and hair products. Hello?."
Sharpay gave her smile. "Well makeup and hair product or not.. I still think you are a beautiful girl in and out. I'm happy to have known the real you, Gariella Marie Montez. All these damn people should have been ashamed of themselves of not getting to know. Hell, Im mad at myself for not talking to you sooner. But I eventually did and i'm happy as hell that I got to know you. You are a beautiful, smart, sweet, innocent girl. People don't know that. But I do know that and well their missing out on a great girl especially Troy who don't deserve a time out of your damn day."
Gabriella almost cried. It was honestly the most nicest and most beautiful things that anyone had ever sad that about her. "That is one of the nicest things people had ever said that to me."
Sharpay grinned and slammed her locker. "Now, what are friends for?. Let's go find that ugly piece of of shit and give him a piece of my mind."
The blonde girl grabbed her hand as Gabriella protested, "Uhh, I don't think that's a good idea."
It took a minute for the girls to find Troy until they found him standing nearby his locker laughing and talking with his friends.
Sharpay tapped him in the shoulder, folded his arms and gave a stern look. Troy turned around and saw the two girls. His smile faded into a remorse look on his face. "I have to explain"
"Zip it," The blonde snapped. "I don't wanna fucking hear it. I want to start off saying that your full of shit. You may think you got the looks, athletic ability and the body. But don't think just for one minute that your a good guy with a heart. No!. Your the complete opposite of that. You stood up a sweet girl. How could you do that to a girl. Especially a fragile one. You knew who you were gonna go out with. Your fucking worthless. You don't deserve any girl. The girls who are smitten with you are a bunch of complete easy sluts who don't give a shit about you but only want you for your looks and popularity not for you. You are the most arrogant, shitty, worthless and ugly piece of shit no one fucking wants. You toy around people's hearts and don't give a fucking shit about them. For that, karma will come and get you. You will grow old to be a ugly, bald and a fat guy who sits home all day that woman will ever go out with. Think about the damage that you done that will always be right behind you. But just remember, if you do that one more time to anybody in this school. I will tear your reputation to pieces and it's bye bye Troy." Sharpay's yelled, her face getting red and her voice getting louder by the minute. She was on a roll.
Gabriella's mouth fell open as she found the courage to look up at Troy who looked stunned and speechless. His friends behind him were shouting out "Burned!."
It took a few seconds before Troy regained his composure and comprehended as to what had been just said to him. Instead of yelling at the blonde girl to get the last word, he calmly said. "Gabriella, may I speak to you," Troy's eyes darted to the blonde girl. "Alone!."
"Alright, but mark my words, I can tear you down before school ends today." She turned around and stalked off down the hallway. Her loud clicks could be hear throughout the whole hallway. The boys whistled and glanced at her as she passed by. Troy's friends patted his shoulders and waved goodbyes leaving the two completely alone.
"Man, that girl scares me." Troy tried to joke hoping to get a laugh out from Gabriella. However, she did not laugh or giggle. She stayed silent waiting for him to explain and apolgize.
"Alright um," Troy scratched his neck trying to think of a way to explain as to why he didn't show up to her house that friday night. "I kind of got in trouble, my dad took my phone away and forbidded to leave the house and to not make any calls and emails. I tried sneaking out but my dad caught me. If it weren't for that. I would defnitely be out at the mall hanging out with you. But ya know how parents are."
"Apology accepted." Gabriella smiled. People make mistakes. She knew Troy didn't mean any harm.
Troy's lips formed into a smile. "So we're cool?."
Gabriella nodded her head. "We're cool."
"Good," Troy grinned and gave her a hug "I'd love to stay and catch up with you. But I promised my dad I would go meet him in the gym for a important discussion about the upcoming basketball team.
Before, Gabriella could respond, he quickly scurried off. She sighed, put on her headphones to listen to her music on her ipod and went over to the vending machines to go pick up a snack before jetting to class. She pulled out a five doller bill. Not noticing, a doller bill fall out of her pockets. She put the doller bill into the machine and picked a snack. A brown skinned girl wearing a headband, a burgandy blazer, black pants and shirt. Topping the outfit with a pair of black heels. The girl was from her english class who sat in front of her. The girl was the smartest girl in the entire school. She won the school's decathlon team for three years straight and won spelling bees each year since the first grade. She was top of the entire junior class. The brown skinned girl tapped her in the shoulder and Gabriella turned to face her.
The girl named Taylor Mckessie said something to her which Gabriella made out to be. "Do you want twenty dollars?."
At first, Gabriella was taken back abit before turning the volume a bit lower and mumbled. "Sure" Not quite knowing why Taylor wanted to give her money. Maybe, it was an offering to start a friendship or so she hoped.
"No, you dropped your twenty dollars." Taylor handed the doller bill. Gabriella flushed with embarrassment. "Thank You."
Taylor turned to her friend and whispered loudly. "She's slow!." Her friend in response laughed than the two girls went back to what they were doing.
Gabriella grew even more humiliated and sad. It ruined her good mood. She didn't understand why people thought she was dumb and slow. All she knew was that people knew that she didn't know how to do multiplication,subtraction,division and adding. In her defense, Gabriella remembered the easiest ones but not the harder ones. Math wasn't her best subject. She was a special ed student so she couldn't do nothing about it. Gabriella shoved the money into her pockets, grabbed the snack and put in her bag and pulled out her headphones and shoved her ipod into her bag as well. Embarrassed and sad, she went to her first period class in a horrible mood.
When homeroom period ended, the whole incident from this morning and the Troy situation had completely took over her mind that she forgot she had to read her book report in front of the entire class for English.
Gabriella stopped in her tracks in the hallway. She had completely forgotten and she didn't prepare it given that she was so distraught from Friday's situation that she forgotten about the book report that was supposed to be presented for English. She was screwed and Gabriella was scared out of her mind. There was one thing Gabriella hated out of all the things she hated was speaking and standing in front of the entire class. Oh, how she dreaded it. In her heart, she knew she was going to screw up and make a fool out of herself, her heart raced and butterflied flew in her stomach and she felt like throwing up. She gulped and made her way to the class. She spotted Taylor and was reminded of the incident this morning. She was so embarrassed, she didn't even want to make eye contact. She sat down in her seat, her head resting on the desk wishing that she could be anywhere doing anything than reading her report in front of the class. The bell rang and Gabriella mentally kept hitting her head on the desk.
"Okay, class, it's time to read your reports," Mrs. Waters announced. "Who wants to go first?."
Of course, Taylor Mckessie, the smartest girl in the entire school and raised her . Waters smiled brightly. "Taylor, your up. Make us proud!." Taylor was every teachers pet. All the teachers loved her and Taylor loved the attention and love she received from them.
Taylor stood up from her seat and made her way up the class. "Ladies and gentlemen, I present you my book report of "Water For Chocalate." The girl proudly joked, read and made facts on the story through her way to the report as Gabriella envied her wishing she could be the smart and proud girl standing talking in front of the class."
Once finished, Mrs. Coolers clapped wildly and cried out. "Thank You Taylor. That was an amazing, esquiste report. Your report was fully detailed, filled out with quotes and the sentences were way beyond your age that no 16 year old could state. Of course, you did use big words that no one knows, not even I. But of course, your a genius in every way."
Gabriella rolled her eyes. She was sick and tired of teachers fangirling over her classmate. Sure, she got the brains. But that didn't mean she should be treated differently.
Mrs. Coolers stood up and pointed to Taylor. "This is an example of an amazing student right here. Class, I wish that you look up to her and study and work hard like her. You can be like her, if you weren't procrastinating. You all could be standing right here giving an report just like her if you give in all the work that you put into it. Half of you don't even make an effort and you know who you are and for those are making an effort, I applaud you. All i'm trying to say is due to the horrible grades of your last report, i'm hoping that this report will be an even better one than the last time."
She sat down and cleared her throat. "That is all, you may sit down, Taylor."
Taylor who looked slightly embarrassed but forced out a proud smile. "Thank you, Mrs. Coolers. I'm honered to hear you say that." She walked over to her seat and whispered to her friend. "That was embarrassing but I got to admit that it felt pretty cool."
Before her friend could even respond. Mrs. Coolers spoke up. "Who wants to go next?."
The class pretended to look at their reports and study it hoping that they wouldn't go next. Mrs. Coolers warned that if no one volunteer than she would pick a student out of her roaster.
A brave boy raised his hand and spoke. "I'd like to go next."
Mrs. Coolers smiled and gestured him to go up in front of the class. One student after another volunteered. It was exactly five minutes before the bell rang and Gabriella gave a sigh in relief. She was good at least for today.
"Alright, five minutes before class is done. But I want one more student to go next. If no one volunteers than I will gladly pick a student at random."
The class stayed silent, no one had the courage to go up there. "No one wants to go, oh well my, random picking will begin." She stated giving a scan in the class.
Gabriella quickly put her head and read her paper over and over again. Taylor whispered to her friend. "Watch it be Gabriella."
She felt kind of offended even though, it was no insult but she felt offended. A few seconds later, Mrs. Coolers said something that would shreded her into tiny pieces. Something she dreaded. "Gabriella, I choose you."
She felt the class's eyes burn her as she slowly picked up her head and shook her head.
"You have no choice. C'mon, it will be all over before you know it. I will not let the class go if you don't proceed." Mrs. Coolers warned her.
"We're screwed." A voice whispered.
"I know, she's so quiet, she won't be able to go up. She better go up or else." Another voice whispered.
Sighing, she stood up and slowly made her way over to front of the class. She reminded herself that she will be committing suicide after high school ends to get the nerves out of her. She told herself to just wing it. She opened her mouth and read her paper in a low voice. She was so scared out of her mind that she felt her eyes water.
Oh no. Fuck my life. This cannot be happening. At least not now. She thought to herself.
"Speak up, I can't hear you!." She urged her. "Speak slower, I can't understand you. I know your nervous but you'll do good!."
She continued to read and speak in a bit of a loud voice. The tears kept watering and once she was finished. The tears welled down her cheeks. She sniffled.
"Oh dear" Mrs. Waters mumbled under her breath.
Gabriella literally felt the urge to commit suicide. She was too shocked over what had just happened. It was not like her to cry over reading a report. She guessed that Taylor's words that she whispered before reading her report took an emotional toll on her. She blamed Taylor.
"You did a good job," Mrs. Waters tried to say cheerfully. "You just needed to speak louder and slower. That was all there is to it." She went over to her desk and picked up a box of tissues and offered it.
Gabriella shook her head wanting to run away and hide away from the world. She wished that it wouldn't have happened. Gabriella just cried while reading her report. No one knew her reasons. Some people thought she cried over the teacher urging her to speak louder or others guessed that she was so scared that she cried. But Gabriella, herself didn't know the answer to the mystery of her crying while reading her report. She went over to her desk and collected her things. Gabriella just sat there and cried while no one said a word.
She was a failure. She failed at everything. She couldn't even get a job for goodness sake and didn't pass 5 job interviews these past few months. She sucked at math, she couldn't speak well and she wasn't a good student in her schoolwork. She barely got A's. She only got B's. She wished she would get a job so she could prove to everyone that she wasn't dumb and that she could do the same thing as everyone else and most importantly function very well. She cried even more at the thought of being a failure. Things weren't going to get better. She was basically a stain on a shirt that could never be removed. It would stay there making people frustrated and even sad. Things would never get better. No matter how hard she tried in improving her life. She knew her life was going to be filled with sadness and loneliness. The thought of that also made her cry even harder.
Taylor turned around in her seat and smiled. "You did great!."
Bullshit. She thought to herself.
The bell rang and Gabriella wanted nothing more than to run away from school and hide. In fact, that was her plan for today. She was too embarrassed, sad and angry to continue her classes. She stood up and walked away from her class. She quickly scurried to the bathroom, ran to an empty stall, went inside of it and locked herself. She sat next to the toliet and cried her little heart out. She felt as if her heart broke into a million pieces. She wished that Troy would be standing next to her comforting her. But at the same time, she didn't. Gabriella didn't want to see the state that Gabriella was currently in. She grew angry at herself for even crying in class today.
"You are a worthless piece of shit, no one wants you, they all think your a failure who will never mount to anything. Your ugly, your stupid, your retarded, your dumb and your can never do anything right, Gabriella." She whispered to herself. The bell rang and the girls scurried out leaving the bathroom.
She opened her bag and pulled out the only thing that could make her feel better. The only thing that could make her happy and forget everything. The only thing that would show shame over the incident today by doing something that she wasn't supposed to but did it anyway. A razor. She opened her left sleeve since the right arm had 3 cuts and an extra 4 from the day before. She let the cold silver metal touch her skin creating a long red line. Anger burst into her so she thrust the razor even harder creating a deeper line. An ounce of pain wavered through Gabriella. Something that she was already feeling mentally in her mind. She did it another time. But the feeling of wanting the feeling of the cold metal of ripping her skin was being craved. She did and did it. Creating 4 long red deep lines. Blood oozed out of the arm. She kind of panicked and grabbed a tissue paper and pressed against it. She waited for 10 minutes before it stopped. She removed the tissue paper, threw it into the toliet and flushed it. She closed her eyes, leaning against the wall, the horrible event that played over and over again in her matter how hard she fought for the memory to put away. It still kept playing over and over. It was like a broken record that kept repeating and repeating the song over and over again. She grabbed her notebook out of the bag and wrote another original poem for the next 30 minutes. Thinking, she can 't remember the last time she was happy. A light bulb appeared above her head. She remembered being happy the summer before 9th grade and than once high school happy, carefree feeling went away for good. Until than, happiness was never regained.
No matter how hard I try, I look for you
But your nowhere to be found
I know your hidden somewhere
But your too stubborn to be found.
You are such a distinctive memory
I wish to find again
I know your hiding
Somewhere hidden in your cruel dark world
I do not know if the light will ever strike again
But I hope someday I will find you again
Gabriella reread her poem over and over. The "You" was a symbol of her happiness that was to never be found again. She frowned,displeased with her work and slammed the notebook angrily. She was frustrated. Gabriella enjoyed writing. But she was never good at it. But she wrote because it made her feel good. At one time, she thought she was good. After her cousin found her poems and acted as if they were not that great. She lost faith in her writing but yet she still kept writing for the thrill of it. Maybe, it was the only thing she was good at. But she was nowhere good as other people in her school. Maybe Taylor would make her crappy poem even better. She sighed and put in her backpack. The bell rang. Gabriella groaned as she stood up. She opened the stall and went over to the mirror. Her makeup was a complete mess. She pulled out some makeup remover and removed her makeup than redid it. The bell rang once she was finished. She fiddled her backpack as she ran out of the bathroom. But unfortunately, a security guard stopped her. "Your late. Unfortunately, I will have to write you up and I will take you to your class.
The security guard finished writing on his clipboard and walked her to her class. He threw the door open and Gabriella followed him. Students were whispering and looking at her. The incident replayed in her mind and Gabriella almost threw herself against the wall becoming angry with herself. It was too much to bare.
Mr. C nodded and whispered something to him and the security guard whispered. "Damn, she's dumb."
Gabriella wanted the day to be over with so she can hide in her bed and forget this day ever happened. The security guard walked away and left the classroom.
She walked to her seat besides Sharpay who whispered. "Why weren't you in 2nd period?."
"Office" She quickly thought up an excuse.
Sharpay nodded. "Oh."
She sat back in her seat and tried to listen and watch the teacher demostrate a math problem. But Gabriella was too emotionally unstable to even pay attention to the class nor even write down notes.
Her aid walked over to her and whispered. "Why aren't you writing notes?."
Gabriella grew irritated. "I'm sorry." She mumbled and pulled out her notebook and scurried the notes but her mind was not there.
Once finished, she leaned back and sighed. She remembered she had a case manager who is controlling her every move and monitoring her as well. She was already caught in the act of ditching. Her life completely sucked. Her school life was controlled by someone. She was watched and fussed over by homework and schoolwork. This was reality. The reality that she wished would never exist. Reality sucks.
A/N This chapter was so hard to write. I couldn't bare what i was making Gabriella going through. But in every story, there has to obstacles to run through and conflicts that needed to be solved. As an author, it's essential to have that in every story you write. But i feel so bad for Gabriella?. Any thoughts on the chapter?. What do you think of the characters in the chapter?. What do you think is going to happen to next?. I want to know. Before i end this A/N. I wish to wish everyone a happy News Years don't drink and party hard. You'll pay for it in the morning. Stay safe everyone!. :)