Authors Note: This is the first in a series of short fics where I express my displeasure in the direction NCIS has been heading lately. I'd like to say they are delightfully OOC but, uh, lately it seems like this is actually in character. Anyway, they are a good example of one of my guiding principles: why rant when you can bring the funnies instead.
"Whaddaya got!" barked Gibbs as he entered the bullpen.
Tony jumped up from his desk and took up position in front of the plasma screen, while McGee hit a few buttons, causing a map of the D.C area to come up. The map was covered in little red dots and overlaid by the drivers license picture of a guy who looked like he was several showers away from cleanliness.
"Peter DeVries, the last person to see our victim alive," Tony explained.
"Bring him in."
"Uh, trying to, boss. See ..." Tony paused to rub the back of his neck which was currently suffering from a weird prickling sensation. "He's gone off the radar."
"Well, find him."
"We're working on it," McGee interjected. "I've plotted all the locations from which he made cell phone calls in the past three days but he hasn't made one since late last night." McGee punched a button and the photo faded to reveal the map in it's entirety.
"Yeah," said Tony, "I figured maybe he lost it ... or something ..." Tony paused to rub his neck again. "And, anyway, I thought we could ... uh ..."
"Spit it out, DiNozzo."
"I'm trying, boss. It's just ... could you make her stop doing that? It distracts me."
"Make who stop doing what?"
"Ziva. She's smirking at me again. It makes the hair on my neck stand up, and you know, just freaks me out a bit."
"She's just doing her job."
"Her job, boss? How is that her job? I mean, McGee here, his job is to do nerdy computer stuff. My job is to make inspired leaps of intuition that help solve the case ... and also to look hot. Your job is to be all gruff and sometimes go lone wolf and just generally get things done." Then Tony leaned in close to Gibbs and whispered in his ear, "I think you do a pretty good job of looking hot too."
"DiNozzo," Gibbs growled in a warning tone.
"Right, I remember, not at the office. Anyway, how is smirking a job description."
"It isn't, but we don't know what else to do with her. Besides, it makes you get all flustered and act like an idiot. Then I get to headslap you, which is always good."
"How does headslapping me help with the cases?" Tony asked, now thoroughly confused.
"Doesn't, but everyone thinks it's funny. And you like it."
"There is that," Tony agreed. Then a slow smile spread across his face. "Hey, boss, did I ever tell you that I wouldn't mind it if you smacked me, you know, *other* places?"
Instead of replying, Gibbs just raised a hand and whacked him upside the head, which made Ziva smirk even harder. She was getting pretty good at it by now.