Authors Note: The original title of this was "Why Tony Wishes Ziva's Boyfriend Lived in Texas" but that wouldn't fit here on . Boo! to word limits. A bit longer and even snarkier, but still with the funnies.
Ziva pretended to smile as she stared at her computer screen. Then she knitted her eyebrows together and gave a little snort of feigned disbelief. After she rested for a moment, she changed her expression yet again, this time employing her best smirk. The one she had been practicing in the mirror at home in order to convey just the right combination of knowing disdain and sex appeal.
"Hey, Ziva ..."
"What, McGee?" she answered, somewhat miffed to have her concentration broken.
"Are you alright?"
"Yes," she said, a bit confused. "Why do you ask?"
"Well, you were making these faces and I just wondered, because you looked ... uh ... well ..." he stammered, suddenly rethinking his intended comment.
"You looked like you've got gas," Tony answered for him.
Ziva gave a *hrumph* of disapproval and went back to studying her computer screen. "If you must know, I am reading an email from my new *friend* in Miami," she explained to the room at large, even though no one had actually asked.
This was also not strictly true, since she was at that very moment staring at an online ad for a device that promised to increase your bust by two cup sizes in only two weeks. Her friend's email address had been hijacked by a bot and generated the missive, which consisted of nothing more than a generic link. Ziva had clicked on it, expecting some sort of funny video or cartoon, only to suffer several moments of consternation before she realized that he had not, in fact, sent her the advertisement on purpose.
Ziva closed the web page and got back to work, raising an eyebrow and smiling to herself. When nothing happened, she added a small laugh and then glanced up from under her eyelashes to see if Tony had noticed.
He had not. In fact, he was still doing the same thing he had been doing for the past fifteen minutes, leaning back in his chair while staring at Gibbs' empty desk, a contented half smile on his handsome face. Unable to stand his lack of attention any longer, Ziva decided to address him directly.
"Tony, are you not interested in what my friend is writing to me?"
"Not really," Tony replied.
"Why not? What could possibly be so interesting that you do not care about my love life?" she asked, a bit annoyed that he was not bothering to feign jealousy, even after all her hard work.
Rather than answer, Tony simply cut his eyes towards Gibbs' desk.
"Gibbs?" Ziva asked in disbelief.
"Yeah. Do you think he's been working out more lately? Because I've noticed that the sleeves of his shirts seem tighter; I think he might be even more buff than before."
"Is Gibbs all you can think about? Don't you care about who I'm seeing."
"Not really. I mean, you're probably keeping him a secret for a reason, and besides, he lives in Miami. If he lived in Texas, I might be interested."
"What difference does it make where he lives?"
"Well, the last time I got curious about a mystery man of yours, I ended up in North Africa, beaten, bound, and shot full of truth serum. I figure if a guy's got to go through that, he ought to know there's a reward waiting for him."
"Reward?" Ziva repeated before she jumped to the most obvious conclusion. "Tony did you expect me to sleep with you when we got home? Because I find that rather insensitive given what I went through." In all actuality, Ziva didn't really remember going through anything, but some guy with a big camera had told her all about it, right before he told her to act like she was over it. Which wasn't hard since she didn't remember it in the first place. She did like the new, more colorful clothes they gave her to wear afterwards, though. She thought they made her sexier.
"God, no," Tony spluttered in shock. "I was thinking of Gibbs. Getting to see him do his whole Super Special Badass Marine Sniper thing was a real thrill. Not to mention the fact that Gibbs in desert camo has always been a favorite fantasy of mine."
Tony paused and smiled to himself as he relived the memory. Then he looked back up at Ziva.
"The problem with your new man is where he lives. I mean, of all places ... Miami? Gibbs rescuing us in a summer suit while wearing aviator glasses? It doesn't do anything for me."
"But, Tony, Rivkin was from Israel not North Africa. This new guy might take her someplace other than Miami." McGee pointed out.
Tony perked up a bit as he thought about this. "You're right, McGoo." He turned to Ziva. "Would you be willing to ask him to take you to Texas? You know, before he gagged you and all that," he said. "I believe I could work up some curiosity if I thought you were going to be kidnapped in Texas."
"I guess so," Ziva replied. "Why Texas?"
"Cowboys, Ziva. It's all about cowboys. Just picture Gibbs in a ten gallon hat, cowboy boots, and chaps." Actually, at that moment Tony was picturing Gibbs in an outfit that consisted only of those items and the thought of Gibbs' ass framed by the leather fringe of the chaps made him groan out loud.
"Pervert,'" Ziva said as she threw a wadded up ball of paper at him.
Tony ducked and the paper ball missed him, glancing off the file cabinet behind his desk.
"I'd be willing to settle for Wyoming if Texas is too hot and humid for you. Gibbs could totally rock the whole Brokeback Mountain thing."
"Degenerate," she snarled as she launched another missile his way.
"Ow!" Tony yelped as this one found its target, then he winced and rubbed his forehead. "Never mind, I give up."
Ziva snorted and went back to her work. Tony waited until he thought her ire had cooled before he ventured one final suggestion.
"Montana," he said, and dove behind his desk for cover.