In Which Otherwise known as, 'Ten Minutes', because that's how long it took
to write. - Guardian

In Which...

"POSSE... We are. We always will be. Because we're a posse,
we want to help you. Whatever it takes to fulfill your dream,
we're willing to - "

"Hey, can we stop the scene for a moment?"

The five characters below Seifer Almasy stared up at him in

"My mascara is running because this damn light's making my eyes water.
Why do I have to be on this stupid podium, anyway?" he sulked. "Nobody
can see my sexy body for half the scene! I want a revolution! I'm
a young revolutionary!"

"RAGE!" Fujin stalked up to the podium and glared. "You bastard, this
is my only, best scene in the game, and now you've ruined it! You did
this on purpose! Even Raijin gets more lines than me!"

Seifer rolled his eyes. "Well, my dear, if you'd chosen to do something
cool instead of run around the entire game like a secondary character,
maybe you would have gotten something more than a backseat role and
a five-second FMV - "

"RAGE! At least my legs look better than Rinoa's in that ballroom
scene! Can anyone say, 'anti-aliasing'?!"

"Anti-aliasing," Raijin repeated obediently.

"Yeah, well, I got like, ten FMVS!" piped up Rinoa from Squall and
Zell's side.

"Because you're sleeping with the main character," Seifer asserted.
"Which, by the way, should have been me, owing to the fact that
I have a sexier body - "

"Fatass," Squall mumbled from the back.

" - and have no sissy pearl earring, unlike SOME people I could
mention - "


" - but I really don't want to sleep with Rinoa because her legs are
indeed jaggy and dangerous."

"MEANY! I hate you!" Rinoa jumped up onto Seifer's podium and began
trying to saw him to death with one of her limbs.

Immediately, Seifer yanked out Hyperion and cut her head off.

"Congratulations, dipshit," Zell snarled. "Applaud the guy who
just ruined the friggin' game!"

But Zell died of heart disease from all those hot dogs ten seconds
later, because he had fufilled his role in life, namely a One-Liner.
Nobody noticed.

"Hahahahaha!" Seifer laughed maniacally. "Now the game is free
for me to take it over and get a ten-minute FMV of my luscious
bod! Now there is only Squall standing in my way!"

"He's not that much of a threat," Fujin noticed, watching Squall
obliviously sing along to 'I'm Just A Girl' playing on the walkman
he hid under his hair.

"Oo, you bastard," Raijin noted as well, for no apparent reason.

Seifer lifted his trenchcoat to his knees and began breakdancing
in celebration, flipping up and wiggling his booty at his posse.
"I am the champion! I am the champion! No time for losers!
Cause I am the champion! Of the world!"

Squall eventually noticed and jumped up on the podium with Seifer,
dancing funkily along with him.

"It's your birthday, shake your booty!" he sang. "...Whatever!"

"Oo, it's so pretty! It's so pretty," Seifer sang as well.

Seifer and Squall bopped butts and danced in circles and waggled
their tongues. They soon grew tired of dancing funkily, however,
and changed into a rendition of Riverdance, Squall having a useful
leotard underneath his outfit and Seifer having metal-capped shoes.

Meanwhile, in yet another unnecessary scene, Raijin and Fujin played
charades with the still-fresh corpses of Zell and Rinoa.

Raijin hauled Zell's arms above his head and bounced him up and down
for effect. " 'I'm named after a white fluffy thing,' " he intoned

"RICE? COTTON CANDY? EGGS?" Fujin guessed.

"Fuu-uuj! C'mon!" Raijin bounced Zell harder. " 'They injected me
with Mako, ya know! Let's moosey!' "


"Okay, okay, ya know. Your turn."

Fujin grabbed Zell's limp body and angrily shook it. " 'I ruin my
posse's scenes and I have penis problems, and I am scared of
commitment and regularly go through Fujin's underwear drawer!' "

"Wow, Fuuj," Raijin admired. "You have problems."

"I heard that!" Seifer shouted from the podium with a fake
Irish accent.

" 'And I act like an even bigger jerk and make Fujin jump out a
window in countless fanfics, and I sleep with almost every cast
character - ' " Fujin broke down in sobs on dead Zell's shoulder.
" - and I can count the number of times I've been laid on one
! RAGE!"

"Aww, there, there, Fuu," Raijin tried to awkwardly soothe.
"I bet there'll be lots of lemons written about you, ya know - "

"ALL SUCK," she wept.

"Well, yeah."

"You should just try to be sexy like me, Fuj," Seifer noted,
having switched to doing the Macarena.

"SEIFER, OVERSEXED," Fujin sulked.

Seifer put on his practiced 'martyred' face. "It's not what
it's cracked up to be. How would you like it if you had to
sleep with Trepe every second fanfic, Rinoa every tenth,
and having a whole section devoted to grinding Squall?"
He paused. "Wait, don't answer that, cause I know I love it."

"SEXY, WANNA," the albino protested.

"Makeover, ya know!" Raijin squealed.

"...Whatever," Squall acknowledged in his most energetic 'Whatever'
of the day.

Seifer pressed a button, and a vanity suddenly popped up
into the floor. Those Lunatic Pandora people were all
fashionably cute, doncha know, and knew the importance of

Another button was pressed, and a clothes-rack popped up
next to the vanity. Squall and Seifer immediately set up shop
next to Fujin.

"I'd say she was a Late Spring," Squall announced.


"Late Spring."


"Okay. We're gonna janken for this." Seifer and Squall held out their

"One, two, three!" Squall stuck out his hand as Scissors, and Seifer
quickly morphed his Paper into a Rock.

Squall sulked. "Whatever."

"Hah, hah! Winter, winter!" Seifer sang, and turned to Raijin.
"Raijin, get out the lipstick and blusher. #5, Whore Red,
and #10, Aeris Pink."

For the next ten minutes, Fujin was lipsticked, blushed,
pancaked, styled into submission, and threatened with the eyelash

Squall and Seifer eventually looked at her, they hmmmed and
hawed and finally nodded. "She's done and it's good,"
Seifer acknowledged.

"How can you tell?"

"She doesn't look like Kefka."

Fujin looked at the mirror in astonishment. She looked... she
looked like someone who could get more than a ten-second FMV!
She looked like the kind of Final Fantasy character people
drew tentacle hentai art for! Even that scar over her blind eye was
fashionably sexy!

"Hey, how did you get that scar, anyway?" Squall asked, reading
the above paragraph.

She grimaced. "TRIPPED. ZELL'S HAIR, FELL ON."

All three men winced.

Raijin sorted through the clothing rack. "We got sixties polyester
suit, a Catholic Schoolgirl outfit, some fake Tifa breasts - "

"I'll take those," Seifer immediately said.

" - ten million trenchcoats, tight camo gear, and Laguna pants,
ya know? Big hole."

"Trenchcoats are sexy," noted the only trenchcoat-wearing git in
the room.

"They're shapeless," Squall argued. "We want to show the bits
of Fujin to the world that the world wants.... Whatever," he added
hurriedly, as he got paid each time he said it. (Suffice to say, he
was rolling in it by the end of the game.)

Seifer nodded briskly. "Breasts."

"Or lack of Fujin's thereof, ya know," added Raijin.

"RAGE!" she protested. "At least I don't have saggy man-breasts
like Cid!"

"Well, some men find small breasts sexy," the tall blonde said


Raijin hurriedly changed the topic. "Anyway, ya know, I'm votin' for
the polyester suit, ya know."

"Because you have no taste, Mr. Aladdin Pants," Seifer said and yanked
the camo gear off the hanger. "Let's go for GI Fuuj. Clothes off!"

Fujin stood eagerly. "LEMON?"

Seifer cocked an eyebrow and appeared to think about it, then shook
his head. "Haven't got a thesaurus, and you can only use the word
'engorged' so often."

The albino sulked and kicked off her outfit, revealing a sportsbra
and boxers with little cross-sword icons on them. Raijin turned
away so that the image would not pop up in his memory as he tried
to have sex with other people.

Seifer pulled the lung-constrictingly tight flimsy stringshoe top
over Fujin's head and offered her the baggy green pants. "Do you
want a gunbelt? There's the whole sexual innuendo thing there."
He picked up the belt and began sliding the gun in and out the
sheath. "Gun in sheath, gun out sheath. Gun in sheath, gun out
sheath. Oooh, yeah."

Fujin pulled on the pants as Seifer had too much fun with the
gunbelt and struggled into large clunky shoes. "WELL?" she inquired.

"Definitely hot, ya know," Raijin informed her. "You'd get jumped
on by Irvine, ya know?"

"He jumps everyone," Squall told Raijin disgustedly, and turned
back to Fujin. "Yeah. I'd sleep with you... hey, I did sleep with
you. Remember that fanfic?"

Fujin clapped her hands over her ears. "SQUALL, UNSEXY! BIG MISTAKE!"
She whirled around to Seifer. "YOU?"

"... in sheath, gun out sheath, gun in - What, Fuuj?" he asked

"How do I look?"

"Great," he said absently. "Gun in sheath - "

"RAGE! I look sexy!" Fujin protested. "Too sexy!" The music came on
and Fujin began stripping to the music, trying in vain to get Seifer's
attention. "I'm too sexy for these pants, too sexy for these
pants, too sexy - "

" - Following submissions from the Rationalist association and others,
the Marriage Act was amended in 1975 - " droned Squall to Raijin,
having forgotten about Seifer; his attention span being that of a

"I think your morals ain't upholdin' today's society, ya know? Buyin'
alcohol on Sundays! For shame, ya know!"

"Too sexy for this song!" Fujin finished desperately and posed in
front of Seifer.

He finally looked up from his gunbelt and looked her up and down.
"You're going to get some censorship bars if you carry on with
that, Fusama."

She stamped her foot. "Seifer!"

Seifer shrugged and threw Fujin over his shoulder, walking off
to the nearest car. "Oh, okay."

And thus:

Seifer slept with Fujin in a totally unnecessary scene in the
back of one of those ugly cars that you can rent, and got to act
like Jack off Titanic. (Only Seifer was sexier.) But they ran out
of fuel, and adjectives, and a passing Marlboro pointed
and laughed at them before he arrested them for indecency. So
Fujin never got her full lemon. She was exceedingly angry and
Seifer's shins are bruised.

Squall and Raijin discussed Rationalists and Humanists, nude
sunbathing, and the insides of pop-tarts, before getting new
agents and trying for better roles in the next Final Fantasy
game. Squall lost the role of Garnet. He is very bitter.

Zell and Rinoa's corpses rotted on the floor. It was nasty.
They had to get the carpet redone.

Kiros insisted on saying, "Boogie-woogie your bon-bon, Laguna,"
throughout this entire fic, so we cut him out. Hah! Take that, you
retarded arm-flailing steakknife-wielding bastard!

The End sign came up.

It will, I promise.

No, really.