People have been complaining that 'HOLIX LACK OMG' so I decided to do something. So, I guess this is inspired by Solora mostly (who I'm sure will be reading this lol). Well, anywho! With the What Lies Beneath still fresh in my head, I can probably do a little ficlet on that. I have NO CLUE where this fic is gonna go, but it'll go SOMEWHERE by George!
Okie doke, I'm just gonna start typing.
I just randomly typed in letters on the file I typed this up in and it came out 'blur', so I figured that was a good enough name for it... and that's where the name comes from! :D
Btw, I have Six and Holi holding hands as my desktop background (OBSESSED NERD).
Inky, black, murky, darkness everywhere. The hollow sound in my head from the water pressure, making me panic.
This... This isn't...
I fell. Did she? I think so. Is she in this, too? Where is she?
My hands dart out in front of me, while I force my eyes open. I can't see, it's too dark. All I can feel is this slime.
Where is she?
The pressure's getting to me. I can feel my ribs wanting to crush. My chest pushing against my back. A feeling waves through my chest. A cold, empty feeling. I'm scared. I've been in these situations before, but... Where is she?
I can't swim. I can't move. My heart's racing. My throat's crushing. I can feel my legs touch against the floor, then my back, as I'm pressed agaisnt it by the murk.
I'm going to die.
Where is she?
Six's eyes shot open as he greedily took in gulps of air. He quickly sat up, trying to breathe normally. Noting the cold sweat, he realized that he had actually stopped breathing in his sleep. His eyes darted around his dark green room, making sure where he really was.
Closing his eyes with deep, shuddering breaths, Six wiped his hand across his forehead and the bridge of his nose. "This is getting out of hand," he mumbled to himself.
This wasn't the first time he had dreams about the doctor. In fact, they first started about a week after he had first met her, but at least then all he needed was a cold shower and to shot her a glare that said 'no, I'm not interested and, no, I don't look at you when you think I'm not and, no, I did not have another dream of us together last night, now get off my back'.
Now though, they've gone from 'highly annoying sex dreams about my coworker' to 'nightmares that are most likely going to give me a heart attack'. These started about a month ago, after the resurrection of Van Kleiss.
Back then, he wouldn't have admitted it, but now he would tell anyone that he was scared when they had almost drowned, or almost anyone, but why was he having dreams about it? Yes, he was scared, but in the dreams he couldn't find her, which didn't make sense considering that in real life, he did. So... What was this about? What did it mean? Why were they getting worse? And why wouldn't it stop?
Everytime he practically closed his eyes, the thought haunted him.
Leaning on his arm and taking in slow steady breaths, Six could still feel his heart drumming in his chest. He rubbed his eyes, trying to rub out the image in his head. More than once, he considered some sort of debriefing or counseling, but... he was Agent Six. That would look very bad for the sixth deadliest man on Earth. Besides, they were already debriefed about the mission long ago and that thought hadn't really bothered him back then, at least not as much. He could always talk to someone, but... that was a bad idea. The only person he felt like he could talk to in Providence, just carrying a decent conversation or talking something deep, was Holiday herself... and that was a bad idea... for this, anyway. There was Rex...?
Ok, that's just a little too desperate.
Maybe he should just suck it up and go back to sleep. That was something he hadn't tried, in pure fear that the dream would happen again and twice in one night was plenty.
The back of his head hit the pillow, as he groaned in his hands.
It's just a dream, Six. It happened. You're both alive. Now, get over it.
Taking in a steady sigh, he glanced at the clock which read back a 10:45. He hadn't even been in bed an hour and he starts with these insane dreams. Rolling over, his back facing the clock, he took another deep sigh. He was tired. Even after the sudden adrenaline, he could still feel himself wanting to be pulled into sleep again. He honestly couldn't remember the last time he had a decent rest.
His heart calmed down and a calm breath escaped his lips, as the world and all coherent thought started to fade.
The dark murk quickly fills my lungs. I can't breathe. I can't see. I can't think.
My throat's burning and my limbs feel like they're being crushed, but I still manage to move my hands out.
I know she's here. I know she's in this somewhere. Alone. Scared. Dying. Where is she? I have to find her. Where is she?
I'm sinking. I'm sinking deeper in this darkness. Where is she? If I could just find her. I have to find her.
My hands move out wildly, as I try to scream for her. My chest and throat hurts, but not from the water. I feel a knot in my chest, getting bigger and pushing against my heart and lungs. It's warm, but it's sharp. It hurts. The feeling travels through my body, until the hot tears start to spill out of my eyes.
I can't find her. Is she already dead? Is she as scared as I am?
I need her!
Where is she?
Six shot up in bed with a scream. It took a second to get his bearings straight, as he blinked a few times, taking in deep gulps of air. Once realizing that he was still in his room, Six slowly closed his eyes again and tried to steady his breathing, when he noticed he was shaking. Opening his eyes back up, he tried to will himself to stop.
This was nonsense. He was never this scared on the field, why should he be this scared in his own room?
Swallowing whatever was trying to come up in his throat, Six stared intently at his arm that was wrapped around his waist, trying to make it stop shaking so damn much. When he noticed a large bead of the cold sweat falling over his wrist. There was no immediate reaction until he noticed another fall to his arm, blending with the first and falling, too.
To make sure that this wasn't sweat, his hand shot up to his face. Pulling his hand back, Six stared at the tears, as he felt his eyes pricking. More hot tears spilled over his eyes and he quickly realized that he couldn't stop crying either.
Why was he even crying? It's not like he didn't have that same dream over a hundred times. Why did it hurt worse every time?
His hand quickly met his face again and he closed his eyes tight. He clenched his sheets with his other hand, while grinding his teeth. Nothing was working. He couldn't stop shaking and crying.
This was nonsense!
Taking in a deep breath, he swung his legs over the bed, quickly deciding on giving up on that whole 'sleeping' concept. Once he decided that enough strength had gone back to his legs, he stood and, to his own amazement, managed to hobble to the bathroom. He turned the sink on, running the cold water and splashing it against his face a few times.
With every splash, a different piece of the dream swam through his head.
The pressure crushing his chest.
The roaring sound against his ears.
His arms reaching out to nothing.
I need her.
His hands clutched against the side of the sink as he let out a whimpering groan.
What the hell was wrong with him?
"I'm alive," he said to nothing, trying to drill it through his skull, "We both are. She's ok. It's over."
Six's onyx eyes glanced up to the mirror, looking at the pitiful man. "It's over," he said to himself, but it didn't do any good. He could tell that even his reflection wasn't comforted by that fact. Overall, he looked like hell.
His skin was much paler than usual, making a sharp contrast against, well everything, his hair, his eyes, his boxers, the walls. His eyes were blood shot, which they had been like that from the insomnia for almost a week now. The tears still trailed down his cheeks and, dammit all, he could not stop shaking!
He quickly closed his eyes and looked away. If there was ever a weak moment, this was it. Over a stupid dream, no less. The dream itself didn't even make sense.
The only thought that gave him any comfort was that no one was around to see this.
He placed another hand against his face, just letting the tears flow now, there seemed to be no stopping them anyway. What was he so scared of anyway?
That was not the first time that he had almost drowned and he was fairly sure that it wouldn't be his last. So, was it her? What about that time when the space station crashed? He wasn't freaking out then. Was he?
To Six, she was just a doctor. That's all. Well, ok, she was good conversationalist, he could give her that. That's all she was, though. That's it. Well, that, and those other dreams he used to have about her... Ok! So she was smart conversationalist with nice legs! That's all! And, just nice dammit!
After turning the water off, he propped his elbows on the sides of sink and buried his face in his hands.
That's all she was.
"I don't care about her," Six said, voice muffled against his hands. He was also sure that she wouldn't care about him either, if she knew everything that went on in his past.
Besides, what was there to care for? Yes, she did look... nice. Yes, she was smart. Yes, she could carry a good conversation. She was Rex's doctor and, somehow, the boy's infinite crush. Which, she was good to him, always smiling, always asking 'what's wrong'. She could hold her own in a fight, if the occassion called for it. The woman did not like to be helpless. She always had this caring and loving side to her. She was always understanding and forgiving. She knew how he liked his coffee and what foods he did and didn't like; the same vice versa. She would always make that blank stare whenever she was trying to trick him, only to end up biting her lip to keep from laughing. She goes down to The Hole at least once a week or whenever she has free time and she would be in a guilty mood for the rest of the day. She liked lilacs. Her favorite color was red. She had a habit of listening in on Rex's calls to Circe, which she had somehow managed to loop him into it as well. She was alergic to cats, though she always called him one when it wasn't something agro, nanny, ninja, or all three. Sometimes, just out of the blue, she would smile like everything in the world was perfect and that she couldn't ask for a better life and... that one smile would do just that. Whenever she gave him that smile, everything was perfect on Earth and nothing could be better than just being in the same room with her.
Six stared down at the wall between the sink and the mirror, his mind miles away... or just down the hall, to the left. He blinked, coming back to himself, realizing that he had stopped shaking.
Taking a breath, he wiped his face with his hand, also thankful that the tears had stopped. He gripped the sink one last time, before moving away and going back in his room, but he quickly stopped by his bed.
There was no way in hell he was going to try and sleep again. He had just barely managed to composs himself and he still didn't know how he had done it. Glancing at the clock, it now read 12:01. Six sighed and hung his head. He was going to be up for awhile.
Might as well do something. Training?... God, no. Read a book? No, he might fall asleep and we cannot have that. Then, coffee? Yes, start with coffee, go from there. Finally deciding on something to do, he quickly started to look around for clothes, but, honestly, felt way too tired to even to do much of that. He found a pair of his slacks and a dress shirt, all but ditching the tie and blazer. It was the middle of the night anyway, no one cared.
Slipping his katanas down his sleeves; the last thing he needed right now was to leave them behind; and grabbing his shades off the bedside table, he stalked out of the door.
All the lights were out and it was past midnight. No one was around. Still though, he put on his glasses out of habit and started to search out the nearest coffee pot. Where was the nearest one? That actually had brewing coffee in it already?
Too tired to think, he let his legs move for him and, after a few more minutes, he was standing in front of a coffee pot. Well, now he had to fix a cup... Damn...
A sweet, serene voice from behind him made him jump. "Now ask yourself, Six," it said, "How would the likes of me ever be able to sneak up on a kitty ninja such as yourself?"
After his heart quickly settled back, he just stared at the coffee in front of him, his hands supporting his body against the table. "There you go with that cat thing, again," he mumbled.
"Well, you do sneak around like one," Holiday said, walking up beside him, "and you act like a cat, too, with that 'almighty' thing you've got going."
He let a small smile slip pass his facade. "I thought you were alergic to cats, doctor," he mentioned.
"Cat hair," she corrected, holding up two fingers, "Two different things."
"So you plan to shave me?," he asked without thinking, earning another smile from her. After a second, it hit him. "Wait, what did I say?"
Her voice quickly became soft as she kept a small, worried smile. "Rex is even starting to catch on, Six," she told him, "and I've been noticing it for weeks, but I keep waiting for you to say something."
He inwardly sighed. Of course. He should have known that she had realized something was up. She always could see right through him.
Holiday's expression became serious as she stepped closer to him. "What's wrong, Six?," she whispered.
It was all he could do to not look at her. Instead, he stared down at his hand, willing her to drop the subject. He didn't want her to leave, though.
She tried again, whispering next to him, "If this keeps up, an Evo is going to get a lucky hit on you in the field. Not to mention, you look like hell."
"Thanks for that pick-me up, Holiday," he mumbled, after a blink.
She just sighed and looked him over. "Insomnia?," she asked, not receiving an answer, just as she expected. After a quick glance at the coffee pot next to them, she decided on an experiment. "Come on, I have plenty of things to help you sleep-"
"No," he quickly said, almost shouting, but he stayed quiet after that.
Like she thought, he was keeping himself awake. "Why?," she whispered, trying to take advantage of his fatigue.
"I don't want to sleep," he muttered, trying hard not to look her way.
She stayed quiet for a second, waiting for him to continue, but he kept still. "Because...," she quietly said, trying to make him continue.
"If I told you," he said, barely audible, "then I'd have to think about it. I don't want to."
Holiday looked at him for a few more seconds, realizing that he wasn't even looking towards her. After thinking it over a second, she wrapped her hand around his wrist, feeling him tense. "Come on," she gently said.
"No, I don't-"
"I'm not going to make you sleep," she told him, quieting his panic and tugging on his wrist, "I just want to help you. Come on."
Without even consulting his brain, he followed her, allowing her to lead him away from the coffee to wherever she was taking him. She stayed quiet during their walk.
Six blinked, suddenly looking into a bright light. "Does that happen a lot?," Holiday asked, taking the light away.
His eyes adjusted and he noticed that they were now in her lab. "Does what?," he asked, really wondering where his shades had run off to.
She took his wrist and lifted it up, causing him to glance down and find his glasses folded in his hand. "You blanking out like that," she said, taking her hand away, "Does it happen often?"
He continued to stare down at his shades. "I'm not sure," he answered, knowing that the real answer was 'yes'.
"Six," she sighed, leaning against the table that he just realized he was sitting on, "If you don't get some sleep, your body will do it for you. Eventually, you'll just go in a coma."
That caught his attention. He slowly looked up at her, not really sure if he wanted her to stop or keep going.
She looked back at him for a second and decided to keep going. After a gulp, she said, "You'll probably never wake up if that happens. So... whatever it is..."
"I'll never wake up?," he asked her, his eyes getting wide.
She had never seen him like that. He had suddenly looked so scared. "Maybe," she breathed, "but-"
"Forever?," he asked her again, his heart suddenly starting to drum against his chest again and his breath quickened.
No. No, he couldn't do that. Not forever. Not without any hope of waking up. Not without ever believing that she's ok. Not without ever seeing her again.
"Six," she put her hands on her shoulders, not even going to ask what he meant, "Just tell me."
He quickly jerked, looking away from her, "No."
"Then just talk to me, talk at me, I don't care," she told him, but he continued to look away from her. Eventually, she put her hand on the side of his face, gently turning him back to her. "It's ok," she said, "whatever it is. I won't tell anyone and you know that you can tell me anything."
He quickly tried to jerk away from her again, "But, I-" Her hand stopped him from moving.
"I won't judge you," she said, trying to keep herself calm and moving her thumb in circles on his cheek, "I'm just worried, Six. I worry about you all the time. Please, just let me help you."
His mind had started to cloud. Her hand was doing wonders on it's own and she didn't even realize it. "Help?," he asked her, looking in her bright eyes.
She just nodded, trying to let him say something on his own that wasn't rejection.
Six stared back up at her eyes, letting himself to lightly lean against her touch. Eventually, he glanced down and took her other hand in his.
Before she really had time to register what he was doing, Six had put her hand to his lips, like it was the most natural thing in the world. Gripping her hand tighter, he stood and let his eyes flutter closed as he pulled her to his chest.
His hands wound their way around her back and he buried his face against her neck and her hair, breathing her in. "This helps," he whispered to her neck.
It was official. As much as Holiday was really enjoying this, something was seriously wrong with him. She didn't pull away though, especially since he had such a death grip on her.
"Six?," she whispered against his chest, feeling his steady heartbeat, "What's wrong?" As soon as she asked, she could instantly hear a difference in his heart rate.
"You're here, now," he mumbled randomly, holding her tighter, "It's ok."
"I know," she told him, stroking his neck, "Just tell me anyway. It's alright." She knew he didn't want to talk about it, but she had to get it out of him. If he didn't say something, this would probably just keep happening.
She felt him shudder and quickly become tense. "It's just a dream," he answered, voice shaking, "That's all." Holiday stayed quiet, laying her head against his chest and waiting for him to continue. Whatever was in this dream had terrified him and Six was not the person that falls apart at a moments notice. Six didn't fall apart.
Now, she wasn't even sure if he knew she was there or not.
Six's eyes clouded over, as he was brought back to his dream. It was a strange feeling, because he knew that he wasn't asleep. He knew he was awake and standing and holding her, but the dream... it looked the same... like it always did.
"It's dark," his voice breathed into her ear. If she wasn't pressed against him, she never would have heard him. "And I can't breathe," he continued, his own breaths becoming short, "I can't see. I can't even move. I keep falling... through the water and... It's dark."
Her hands moved against his neck and chest, quietly willing him to continue.
"I can't breathe," he whispered again, "And... I'm alone. I keep trying... But... I can't find you and..." He instantly became quiet and still, his hand lightly twitching against her shoulder where he gripped her. Holiday automatically knew what was going on.
"Six?," she said, moving her hand against his face, trying to break him out of his trance he made, "Six, look at me. Six!"
"I can't feel you," he said, his voice mumbling now, "I can't see you. I know you're there. I know it. I just... I just..." He shook his head slightly. "I don't... Where are you?" His eyes started to quickly dart around and his breathing became quicker, while the rest of his body was starting to go limp.
"Six! Six!," she screamed at him. Thinking quickly, before he finally passed out, she slapped him across the face.
His eyes instantly closed, as he took in deep breaths.
It took about a second for Holiday to realize that she had just slapped the Agent Six, but she honestly didn't care at the moment. It was the best way to wake him up.
He slowly opened his eyes and took a quick look around the room, trying to figure out where he was. His dark eyes found hers and he just stared blankly at her. Suddenly, it all clicked. He wasn't in the water. She was in his arms. It was ok.
His heart suddenly felt like it had burst and his chest filled with something warm. One side of him, the agent with no attachments side, wanted to believe it was relief and it was, partly. The rest of him and everything else that was right in the world, knew what it was.
It wasn't fear, that was for sure.
Six's hand gently found the side of her face. He really, really hoped that she didn't think this was just the insomnia doing this. "I need you," he whispered to her, leaning closer, "I can't just... I just need you with me, ok? I just..." He quickly started to shake his head.
What was he doing? He was becoming a sick dog with all of this. He did not need her. He didn't need anyone. There were no attachments. There was nothing there. She was just-
Her hands shot out to touch the sides of his face, making him look at her again.
And there it was. That warm pool in his chest was back. He didn't want to need her. He especially didn't want to want her, but it was there. He wanted her. He needed her. And he... "Don't go anywhere," he whispered, searching her eyes for any feedback, "Please. Alright?"
Holiday dumbly nodded back to him. "I don't plan on ever leaving," she told him quietly, realizing that he didn't know that he had started crying.
He leaned in slowly. Quietly, to the point where she barely heard it all, he silently murmured, "I love you," before pressing his lips against hers.
She instantly freezed, not expecting that, especially from him, but she just ignored everything else and pressed back, feeling his tongue lightly slide against her bottom lip. As quick as it started, though, he had pulled away with a far off look in his eyes, the tears gone. She knew what he needed and, at the moment, it wasn't so much her as it was just simple rest.
"Come on," she gently beckoned, pulling his arm. He followed without question.
She remained quiet, leading him wherever he was going. He blinked and they were walking down a hallway, not knowing where he was. During the past few weeks, whenever this would happen, he'd instantly panic, but she was there, so it was ok. It was alright to drift off. She'd take care of him and not think any less of him, just like always. When it was all said and done, she'd still give him that smile.
His thoughts drifted away and things started to blur again. When he came to, he was taking his shirt off and she was still there. He didn't have to look around. He didn't need to know where he was, but he must have given her a questioning look, probably just because she had taken her coat off.
"It's ok," she softly replied to his unasked question and pulled his arm with her, over to his bed. Before he thought about it, he was already laying down and she lay beside him. "I won't leave," she whispered, her hand moving up his chest and across the side of his face, "I promise."
Six's whole body racked with relief and he quickly rolled over and wrapped his arms around her, laying his head against her chest. He could feel himself drifting off, but he wasn't scared and he wasn't alone.
Holiday wrapped an arm around his back, the other hand in his hair. She gently leaned down to place a kiss on his head. "I love you, too," she whispered, hearing his steady, calm, even breaths.
That was the best sleep he had ever had.
GEEZ! LONG MUCH?
Anyway, so, now we know what goes in my subconscience brain when I just start randomly typing. Insomniac fluff with a hint of horror and longing. XD
I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it!
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