My first update in ages - I'm sorry about that. The files got deleted and for a long while I just wasn't feeling it. Then, at 2 o'clock this morning I got a sudden hankering to write my Inbox fic again. It's weird but whatever because here's the next installment! I apologize if it's a little rubbish because Out of Time was actually one of more difficult episodes and I haven't done one of these in ages. But thanks for all your patience and your reviews.


S1 Episode 10: Out of Time


From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net

RE: So, what is it you all do again?

Dear all,

How are we all this fine and drizzly morning? Well, I presume. The wind and the rain and the common cold will not succeed to thwart our duties. In fact, Jack says so. So, if you've got an ailment make sure it's life-threatening serious (we're talking comatose, coughing up blood, passing out with every given step) before you decide to skip work. That or get Owen to prescribe a phony doctor's note. But even then, Jack won't be happy. So...

NO MORE GETTING SICK!

Owen – no more swigging bourbon at the local pub till you can't see straight and you wake up somewhere on the other side of Cardiff with your head pounding.

Gwen – no more hugging all the sick aliens that fall through the Rift. The next time we have to find an antidote for an infection that DID NOT EVEN ORIGINATE ON THIS EARTH we'll simply have to leave you to perish.

Toshiko – if you're allergic to bananas then perhaps banana bread isn't for you?

I have a perfect attendance record.

But let's not get into that. Jack has asked me to make sure all your records are up to date. This mainly means that I have to confirm everything you can do. As you all can imagine, it's a lot of fun. So with no further ado – your skills, in summary.

Toshiko Sato: computer skills (super-advanced in just about every single thing to do with computer), specialises in hacking and software design. Is also very good with firewalls (ours and others), encryption, translation. Oh, and putting together fake websites. And running analysis. And installing security systems. So, in sum, every tech-y. Skilled in operating handguns. Good with stitches, surface wounds, and adminstering first aid. Will go undercover and on missions though prefers to operate from the home base.

Owen Harper: medical skills – can I just say everywhere? I really cannot be bothered retyping everything I just wrote on your plethora of medical credentials, Owen. You do realise that if you worked as a doctor you would be paid a lot more than you are currently being offered here. Also proficient in operating guns. THE first aid officer. Enjoys undercover work and working on the field. Will not operate on the brain and not a very good runner. Terrible bedside manner (i.e. no dealing with people).

Gwen Cooper: Police training means background in investigation (attention to detail), handling crises, and strategic dealing with people. A strong runner. Has shown to be adept in handling hostage situations (though, somehow, usually manages to be the hostage). Trained in all firearms. Trained in all (basic!) Torchwood software and security functions. Trained in First Aid. Has yet to properly go undercover but has shown a propensity to working in the field. Can knock someone unconscious with a single punch (which, suprisingly, has proven useful on a number of occasions, mainly when Owen is on the receiving end).

I asked Jack whether or not I should update his credentials and he said "You think it gets better than this?" So I added "overly self-confident" to his list of attributes.

Have I missed anything? Any secret talents the system doesn't know about? Let me know.

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones.

...

From: twatlife torchwood . net

To: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

CC: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net

RE: So, what is it you all do again?

Oh, very funny tea boy. I see you've left your special skill set out. Probably because filing paperwork and making coffee doesn't really look like much on paper.

By the way, don't think I haven't seen you crawl your way in here a half dozen times, sick as a dog. So the reason why you have perfect attendance isn't because of some spectacular immunity (or sobriety) but because you're a little arse kisser, that's why. And no matter how many times you waltz into the office at 5 in the morning with that chipper little smile on your face – you're still the tea boy.

As for our records, you've missed out a couple of things – namely that I have many other skills but I am actually a perfectly fine runner and what's more I can bench press twice my weight. Also Tosh makes good sandwiches and Gwen is good at yelling (at people, the computer, a pencil, Myfanwy, some curry, so on and so forth).

PUT THAT ON YOUR RECORDS!

...

From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

To: twatlife torchwood . net

CC: techcheck torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net

RE: So what is it you all do again?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I'M GOOD AT YELLING? MAYBE IF I YELL TO GET THINGS DONE AROUND HERE BUT OTHER THAN THAT I AM REALLY QUITE A QUIET PERSON, HONESTLY. I CANNOT BELIEVE YOU JUST SAID THAT OWEN WHEN YOU GO AROUND SCREAMING AND SWEARING HALF THE TIME BECAUSE (IANTO'S RIGHT) YOU'RE STILL GETTING RID OF YOUR HANGOVER AND ALL YOUR CLOTHES SMELL LIKE BOURBON WHISKEY AND VOMIT! SERIOUSLY. AND I WAS ONLY YELLING AT THE CURRY BECAUSE THE PLASTIC CONTAINER WAS LEAKING ALL OVER ME AND IT GOT ON MY JEANS AND BURNT MY HANDS, WHICH I THINK IS A GOOD REASON TO SHOUT IF THERE EVER WAS ONE. GOD!

IANTO, I WORKED AS A RECEPTIONIST THROUGH COLLEGE. ANY USE TO YOU?

From: techcheck torchwood . net

To: twatlife torchwood . net, proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

CC: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

RE: So what is it you all do again?

I...uh, hate to break this up, but Jack's calling for you. Gwen and Owen, I mean. Something's come through the Rift... again. He'll meet you outside the Hub in five. Get your jackets – it's freezing out.

Ianto, you forget I'm a skilled physicist and engineer, both practical and theoretical.

And, Owen. You like my sandwiches?

Tosh


From: techcheck torchwood . net

To: johnellis torchwood . net, sallyannehope torchwood . net, deborahmorrison torchwood . net

RE: new emails

John, Diane, and Emma,

Now that you have been briefed on how to operate a mobile, here is another avenue for communication. Email is like sending letters except it is instant and can travel all over the world and to many different people. There is email software installed on all your phones, and this email will have caused your phone to give you a notification. Emails are sent over the Internet, which is sending information wirelessly from computer to computer.

If you have any questions don't hesitate to ask me. I know it sounds like a whole new language but technology is actually really simple. These email addresses I have given you are Torchwood-issue and aren't to be used in communication with anyone besides yourselves and the Torchwood team. Once you get the hang of it, you can open your own email accounts with whatever cool address name you choose and these accounts will be closed.

Toshiko Sato

...

From: sallyannehope torchwood . net

To: techcheck torchwood . net

RE: new emails

Dear Toshiko,

I cannot believe it! This Internet truly is a curious and wonderful place! I don't even know what I did right but all of a sudden the Internet told me that I was the lucky 1, 000, 000th visitor and I've won £50, 000! What luck! I can even buy a new plane with money! Perhaps this 21st century is not so terrible after all.

If you would, you may need to help me claim the money. After I "clicked" on the congratulatory message the mobile made a funny sound and the screen is black.

Thank you kindly,

Diane

...

From: deborahmorrison torchwood . net

To: techcheck torchwood . net

RE: new emails

Dearest Toshiko,

This Internet is amazing! Thank you for introducing it to me! In the past half hour I have seen so many spectacular and beautiful things. These "videos" defy all belief! I have seen a cat play a piano! There is a chipmunk who appears to have had a dramatic revelation? Oh, and I am receiving an invitation from the Internet to watch a video of two girls having a good time. This should be rather interesting.

Oh my goodness! OH! My God, what is this? Turn it off! Toshiko, help me! What is this? Make it stop!

From: johnellis torchwood . net

To: techcheck torchwood . net

RE: new emails

Dear Toshiko,

Who or what is a "Chuck Norris"?

Yours faithfully,

John Ellis

From: techcheck torchwood . net

To: johnellis torchwood . net, sallyannehope torchwood . net, deborahmorrison torchwood . net

RE: new emails

Uh, perhaps introducing you to the Internet wasn't such a good idea. Just... forget what you saw. If that's at all possible.


From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

To: twatlife torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, thecaffeinator torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood . net

RE: the morning from hell

I think I may have corrupted Emma... already. You see, she was very upset last night and had no where to go. She couldn't stay with John – he was making her eat liver. So I had no choice but to offer for her to stay with me. I know I should have asked first but it was late and to be honestly I really couldn't arsed. Which kind of leads me on to my next point.

Rhys didn't know Emma was there and … (sigh) he was walking around this morning bollock-naked. Emma was sleeping in the living room and she caught sight of his … well, you know. It was awful. She let out this bloodcurdling scream and I ran into the living room thinking she'd been murdered or something and Rhys is just standing there, completely nude. He doesn't even think to get a pillow and hide... it. I think he was probably just in shock. And Emma's just sitting there looking at it like it's something from another planet, like it's going to lash out and eat her or something. Then she ran away and I had to drag her back, calming her down all the way. No, no, Emma, it's okay, it's fine... it's just a penis, everyone has them, well not everyone, but certainly most men do, and oh Emma please don't cry it's not really that big of a deal... oh, uh, don't tell Rhys I said that.

To cut a long story short she's going to be living with me now until we find another arrangement and Jack if you're not happy with this tell me but until then she's my auntie's step-daughter or something and if you ever happen by Rhys that's the story you go by.

Gwen

...

From: thecaptain torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

RE: the morning from hell

Gwen, I'm crying from laughter. Mostly because Emma's reaction to Rhys' nob is much the same to how you reacted to the weevil the first time you saw one. I wonder which is truly scarier.

By the way, I'm okay with Emma staying with you for a SHORT while. It's not perfect, but nothing about this situation is.

Jack


From: thecaptain torchwood . net

To: techcheck torchwood . net

RE: John's son

Tosh, I want to you to perform a search on John's son, Alan Ellis. I want you to find out everything you can about him, including where he lives now. Don't mention any of this to John. If something has happened to his son it may send him over the edge. These are each extremely delicate cases to be dealing with and we need 100% professionalism.

Jack

...

From: techcheck torchwood . net

To: thecaptain torchwood . net

RE: John's son

It's not good, Jack. I'll send you everything in a minute but long story short he's living in a nursing home and he's got Alzheimers. It's possible he won't even remember his father, let alone be able to comprehend his return fifty years later, not having aged a bit. I wouldn't recommend a reunion.

Tosh


From: twatlife torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

RE: shopping

Gwen, you wouldn't happen to know any sort of dress shops around the area?

Owen

...

From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

To: twatlife torchwood . net

RE: shopping

Ummm... what a strange question. Coming from you, anyway. I don't know, when was the last time I bought a dress? I'm sure if you go to Queen's Arcade you'll find something. Oh, that's given me an idea actually – I should take Emma shopping. I'm sure she'd love to look at all the clothes and shoes and things, teenage stuff, you know. What a great idea. Thanks Owen.


From: twatlife torchwood . net

To: techcheck torchwood . net

RE: Tracking through the Rift

Tosh, answer your phone! You've got to help me – is there any way you can track the things that go through the Rift. I mean, when the Rift opens and if something goes through it can you find out where it's gone? Fuck. It's Diane, Tosh. The Rift opened and she took her plane and flew straight into it. Is there any way of knowing where she's gone, if she's alright? Call me once you get this message and don't you dare tell me it's hopeless.


From: deborahmorrison torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

RE: London!

Dearest Gwen,

Merry Christmas! I am in London now and it is SO BIG! And it's dazzling and grand and oh so busy – much more so than Cardiff. I don't know how I shall ever leave.

The fashion house is amazing. The clothes are just like the styles we had back home, except they're much grander now, and the designer uses lots and lots of sparkles! The first day, I walked in there wearing my old pink coat and the designer said that it was just what they were looking for to put on the market. So now, as well as being a trainee buyer and a shop girl, the designer keeps asking for my opinion on things and showing me samples before anyone else in the whole of London. Of course I just nod and say that everything is exquisite though. It is.

I hope you'll say goodbye to everyone for me, especially Diane and John. Ask them to email me or send me a letter soon enough. I miss them. And I miss you. I'd come down and visit but like I said I don't know how I can ever leave London and I think I've caused you and Rhys enough strife. I'm dreadfully sorry and I hope you two will make amends promptly.

Good bye!

Yours,

Emma


From: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

To: twatlife torchwood . net

RE: Let's meet.

Rhys is gone. I mean, I'm sure he's coming back. He always does. He didn't come back for Christmas, and he's the festive type, you know. He's probably with his parents for the holidays and I know he'll come back before the New Year starts, mostly because he fights with his Dad (about me, apparently) and he can't stand his mam. He's just angry because I lied to him. He'll come back.

Do you want to meet up somewhere? Maybe we can see a movie. Or have dinner. Whatever. Call me, okay?

...

From: twatlife torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net

RE: Let's meet.

Gwen, I don't do that shitty boyfriend stuff. Dinners, films, whatever. That's because I don't do the boyfriend thing. If you want that then apologise to Rhys and pray he forgives you because there's not a chance in Hell that you're getting it from me.

If you don't mind, I think I'll sit around by myself and get pissed.


From: thecaffeinator torchwood . net

To: proudtobewelsh torchwood . net, twatlife torchwood . net, techcheck torchwood . net, thecaptain torchwood. Net

RE: Very funny.

Dear all,

Season's greetings. I was just around the Hub (yes, I'm working, some people have more important things to do than get drunk and gorge themselves on stuffed meats and brussel sprouts, and besides, my attendance is still perfect) and I noticed that my file has been tampered with. Namely, my list of credentials. It now reads:

Ianto Monica Arse-Kisser Jones: Butler, baker, cappucino maker. Files documents like a ninja. We've never seen him use a gun and he runs like a girl. When not at work (but he's always at work because he's a little arse kisser) he probably watches re-runs of Battlestar Galactica and writes love letters to himself. And he doesn't like icecream – what kind of a freak doesn't like icecream? A great kisser and frisky lover.

Thanks everyone for the extra workload I have trying to change this back. The last part is especially creepy. The entire file is triple-deadlocked and firewalled so I assume Tosh was involved. And I just know Owen wrote most of it.

I took the liberty of changing each of your files.

Captain Jack Harkness: pervert.

Gwen Cooper: actually probably likes icecream a bit too much, and since when was disliking icecream such a bad thing? It's far too cold and it gives me a headache.

Toshiko Sato: I thought you were better than this.

Owen Harper: twat.

Merry Christmas and may the New Year bring with it to you all prosperity and good health!

Yours sincerely,

Ianto Jones