Warning: Contains mild swear words, and scenes of a Jack and drunken nature.

Summary: The Doctor and Donna are asked to help Jack with an investigation.

Disclaimer: I do not own Doctor Who, Torchwood, or the Sun newspaper.

A/N: The inspiration for this came to me as we drove up the A1 (the Great North Road), and overtook a motor caravan. Why Jack sprang to mind is anybody's guess.

Motor Caravan Trip


"Let me get this right, Jack has hired a motor caravan home for an undercover operation and you've volunteered me to go with him," Donna accused the Doctor. To his nod of agreement, she added, "And what gave you the right to pimp me out?"

"No! No Donna! You've got the wrong idea, you'll be helping him investigate the farm where the motor home will be parked," he looked quite pleased with his explanation.

"Oh great! And this is good because…? Have you gone clean out of your mind? Because I seriously worry about you sometimes! Why on earth would I want to spend time alone with a friend of yours I've never met is beyond me!"

"Don't worry Donna, I'll be there to chaperone you. That's what you're worried about, isn't it? 'Cos Jack is quite a decent chap these days, and Torchwood couldn't exist without him I hear."

"This is the same Jack you met in the Blitz and left you and Martha after the… that bit of unpleasantness? But I thought you didn't trust him? Or was that only near…" seeing his face, she dropped that one pretty quickly. "I don't know. It's living in close proximity with someone I don't know. I don't think I can."

"You manage to live in close proximity to me, and we get along fine. And it's only for a day or so at the most." Donna still didn't look convinced. "Look, I owe him a favour, and if anyone can do this it's you. You can do anything you set your mind to."

"Okay. Enough with all the flattery! I'll give it a go but if I have my hands round his throat by the end of the day it'll be your fault, and I'm coming home to the TARDIS."

"Deal!" he said and they clinked cups of tea on it.


The TARDIS materialised underneath a large oak tree in a field behind a large motor caravan. It didn't look as antiquated as Donna had feared; in fact it was almost brand new. The Doctor strode up to the side door of the motor van, knocked loudly on it and, upon it opening, exclaimed, "Jack! Good to see you. Will any of your team be joining us?"

He was pulled inside by some muscular arms that announced, "Doctor! Good to see you too! Gwen will try and join us tomorrow."

Donna was beginning to feel a bit of a lemon standing there alone when the handsomest man she had ever seen popped his head out of the door and eyed her up and down appreciatively. "And this must be the famous Donna Noble. Glad to see you Donna!" Before she had the chance to form a reply, she was grabbed into a hug and dragged inside.

In normal circumstances, she would've noticed the spacious and well laid out living quarters inside. Instead, she was overwhelmed by the vision hugging her. He was absolutely gorgeous! Why had nobody told her? And to think she had protested about spending time alone with him! The hug was cut short by the "Jack!" reprimand from the Doctor.

"Only being friendly Doctor!" he defended himself, and then ruined it by winking at Donna. Donna found herself giggling at him.

'What is wrong with her?' wondered the Doctor, 'Shouldn't she be bringing him down a peg or two by now?' But instead Donna stood there simpering! Perhaps Donna had been possessed by an alien menace? That would explain this strange behaviour.

"Nice to meet you Captain Jack Harkness," Donna finally found her voice.

"Just call me Jack" he beamed at her. She melted a little bit more under his gaze.

"What did you have planned for this investigation, Jack?" the Doctor tried to bring their attention back to the task and away from each other.

"Oh I need to keep an eye on that green building over there and observe the behaviour of the farmer. We suspect that he is using alien technology illegally."

"But why do you need to do us here to do that? You could have used any number of things to do that" Donna brought her doubts out.

A shadow passed over Jack's face. "I'm missing a few members of my team so I needed some outside help for a while. Is that okay with you?" he brought Donna's hand up and kissed it as he asked the question.

'Oh p-lea-se!' thought the Doctor as he watched this display. "What do you need us to do Jack?"

"I thought that two of us could pose as a married couple and the other as a visiting relative. Gwen can help pad that out a bit when she arrives."

"So, who gets me?" asked Donna, and she blushed deeply as she realised how her words could be taken.

"I'm beginning to like you quite a lot," smirked Jack at her.

'That's all we need, more innuendo' thought the Doctor. "Anyway…, we need to sort out practicalities Jack, food, beds, and things like that."

"Well, I thought we could go and eat at the local pub tonight since the farm manager is usually in there in the evenings. And as far as beds, there's a double bed here under the window when we move the table, and another double bed above the driver's cab." He left it in the air to see who would sleep where since he was suddenly interested to see where this conversation went.

The Doctor weighed up the options. Out of the two, he was safer sleeping with Donna than Jack. Out of the two, Donna was safer sleeping with him than with Jack. That confirmed it. Before Donna could even say something, having opened her mouth, he put in quickly, "Donna will sleep with me and you Jack will sleep up there," pointing to the higher bed. Both Donna and Jack looked surprised at his decision, but neither protested loudly. The Doctor was relieved.

"If you'll excuse me for a moment I'll check back with the hub," Jack said as he excused himself to move to the front of the motor caravan.

As he disappeared, Donna grabbed the Doctor. "What's going on, Spaceman?" she whispered. "There's something going on between you two that you're not telling me. And don't try to fob me off."

"Honest, Donna, nothing's happening!" Donna continued to glare at him. "Okay, I don't trust him near you. I thought I might be able to this time but…" his whisper trailed off.

"But what?" keeping to a whisper was beginning to be a strain for Donna. A thought struck her. "He fancied the others, didn't he, but you didn't expect him to fancy me. Is that it? Course it is! That's why you let me come today. You think I'm uglier than a warthog!" She tried not to tear up at this betrayal, but she wasn't completely successful.

"Oh Donna! I don't think that!" he pulled her close and whispered into her ear. "I'm sorry. I thought you'd be able to resist him. I didn't know you'd like him too," he looked forlornly at her.

Donna hugged him. "It's only flirting, nothing more serious. Why are you so worried?"

"I don't know… I worry about you," he mumbled.

"You think I'll leave you, don't you?" he nodded at her question. "As I said to Martha remember, I have no intention of leaving you, okay?"

"Okay," he smiled back at her. She always knew what to say to him.

"What's going on here? Anything I should know about?" Jack grinned at them. "Or anything I can join in with?"

"You cheeky…" Donna laughed.


The meal at the pub had been simple but very good. Jack had insisted that Torchwood was paying the bill and had ordered them several drinks. He had kept up his flirtatious banter throughout the meal, entertaining Donna enormously. She had decided that he didn't mean a word of it, but she enjoyed it none the less. She had met his type before and was well prepared to deal with the narcissistic charm. Not that the Doctor was adversed to using his charm, but he used it in an entirely different way. The Doctor had whispered to her that the difference was pheromones. Yeah, that made sense. The one man she had come in contact with that she could fancy lately and he was a ticking time bomb of hurt. Forearmed was forewarned. Still, it had been a surprise the Doctor offering to sleep with her for her safety. Chivalrous and mad in equal proportions.

Taking his opportunity when the Doctor momentarily disappeared, Jack leaned across and asked her, "So what's the deal between you and the Doctor?"

"What do you mean 'deal'?" Donna was puzzled. Had he guessed their initial discussion about this investigation?

"I mean, what's going on between you two?" Jack re-worded his question.

"Nothing's going on! Why on earth do you ask?" Donna looked flummoxed.

"'Cos you blow hot and cold with each other. One minute you're all friendly and then the next…" he considered her, "you're not married, are you?"

Donna laughed. "No, we're not married! At least, I don't think we are. There've been a few…" she stopped suddenly. She didn't need to give their whole life history to a complete stranger. Well, he was a stranger to her, and she didn't entirely trust him yet.

The Doctor appeared back at that moment. "Have I missed anything?" he asked as he sat and took hold of Donna's hand.

Jack was amused to mentally note that neither of them had even noticed they did it. "Drink anyone?" he asked.


"You know something? You're a very saucy, naughty man!" the finger of the Doctor waggled very close to Jack's face. "You have contra… contra… contravened the confines of our friendship."

"Are you sure about that? 'Cos you look pretty happy about it at the moment." Jack smirked.

"What d'you mean?" the Doctor swayed dangerously on his seat.

"I mean that!" Jack pointed to the Doctor's arm wrapped possessively around Donna.

"Oh, that!" the Doctor giggled and gleefully hugged Donna. "My delicious ginger here is brilliant! Did you know that?"

"Who's brilliant?" asked the roused Donna, who had been sitting half asleep in the Doctor's embrace. "Certainly isn't the berk that fed me this drink," she peered into her glass. "Bloody potent, whatever it is!"

"You drank it," pointed out the Doctor. "Nobody forced you to. But it did taste nice, didn't it?"

"Mmm, very nice," she slurred as she beamed back at him. "In fact, I could manage to sip a bit more."

"I think you two have had enough," Jack laughed at the pout on Donna's face.

"Here, have some of mine," offered the Doctor, passing her his glass.

"There's none left!" she protested, glaring into the empty glass.

"Isn't there?" the Doctor looked at her sympathetically. "Come here and let me share what I do have." He took hold of her head and guided her lips onto his.

Jack watched in shock as the two of them started to share passionate kisses right in front of him and the rest of the pub. He'd expected to get some fun out of intoxicating them with Belaxian Cognac, but he hadn't quite expected this! Okay, the show was fun, but it also looked exclusive. Damn!

"Come on, you two! Break it up!" Jack tried to pull them apart, but they resisted his efforts.

"Bugger off, Sunshine!" Donna was most verbal, "Stop spoiling my fun! You're just jealous I've pulled!" She climbed onto the Doctor's lap, and continued snogging him.

Jack thought he ought to try again to part them, "Doctor! You do realise what you're doing. Don't you?"

But the Doctor merely waved away Jack's efforts. "Go away, I'm busy," he slurred out. So Jack decided he'd sit back and enjoy the show.

The Doctor serenading Donna was very amusing. In fact the whole bar joined in at one point as backing singers. The Doctor and Donna dancing was hysterical, since they both had difficulty standing; pity there hadn't been a queue at the bus stop to appreciate it. Jack had managed to get them reasonably quietly back to the motor van, well, without disturbing too many people; but they'd kept a tight grip on each other the whole way, making steering them rather difficult. The pair of them had giggled incessantly when they'd fell into the motor van once Jack had got the door unlocked.

He'd left them to it for a while when he got a message through from Gwen that things were hotting up over at the farm. In the state they were in the Doctor and Donna were as good as useless to him, though he admitted it was his own fault. On the plus side, they had created a very useful diversion for the farmer manager and his cohorts.


The Doctor woke up with the heaviest head he had ever had. What had Jack slipped him? Something Belaxian by the feel of it. He was snuggled up next to Donna in a very intimate position, both of them barely clothed. He shook his head to bring forth some memories, and instantly regretted it. He'd kill Jack for this later. Pity he won't stay dead! He looked up at Jack's bed to see him smiling broadly down at him. "Why did you do it, Jack?"

Jack tried to feign ignorance and then thought better of it. "I thought you might thank me for it later."

"And why would I do that?" he would have shouted but his head would not allow it.

"Because you've managed to get up close and personal with Donna a lot quicker than perhaps you planned," Jack replied, without a trace of regret.

"You mean you thought it would be highly entertaining for you!" the Doctor scowled.

"Well, there was that aspect!" Jack winked.

The Doctor looked down to see if Donna was awake yet and got a sudden flashback: him snogging Donna, or rather them snogging each other! As he concentrated, he saw them stumbling out of the pub holding on to each other, then dancing along by the bus stop, them giggling as they fell into the motor van, then stripping each other. That memory brought a blush to his face. How far had they gone? And did Jack have photographic evidence? Or, worse still, did he join in?

"In case you're wondering, I just enjoyed the floor show," Jack offered. "I thought you both were pretty good."

Donna chose that moment to groan, "What the hell did I do last night, Spaceman? This feels worse than when we competed against the king of Ust." She tried sitting up but the strain on her head made her lie back down again. She then tried opening her eyes more, but the glare from… was that the Doctor's bare back? It was! Why…? She then lifted the covers slightly to look underneath and suppressed a horrified scream. Her face was a picture of utter shock as she looked back at the Doctor beside her in the bed, the question in her eyes being 'what happened?' With a sudden movement, she pulled the covers over her head and she hid underneath them. Jack let out a hearty laugh.

The Doctor dipped under the covers to lie face to face with her. "Donna?" he whispered. "It's okay, nothing bad has happened. We were drunk on something Belaxian Jack gave us. Speak to me Donna, please!"

"How could you let this happen? I trusted you to keep me safe, and you…" Donna's whisper broke down into a sob. She was immediately engulfed in a hug from the Doctor that made her feel instantly better. As did the reassuring words he murmured into her hair and the caressing touches he made on her back.

In fact, his caresses stirred a memory in her head, a memory where the Doctor was doing more than caress her; he was kissing her with passion. Donna opened her eyes in shock. Had that really happened? Had she enjoyed it as much as she remembered? She turned her head to ask, "Doctor…" but as she did so her lips brushed against his and a thrill ran through her body at the fleeting touch. He looked wide-eyed back at her before moving his mouth closer to hers again.

"Hey! That's not playing fair hiding underneath all those covers," Jack protested, as he bound down towards them. The Doctor clung onto Donna protectively, waiting for some sort of assault from Jack on the bedclothes. "Come out, come out, wherever you are!" called out Jack in a sing-song voice.

"Look Jack! Just leave us alone!" demanded the Doctor as best he could under the circumstances. He pulled back some of the covers. "You've done enough damage!"

"Oh, damage is it? I think you'll find that's wrong!" Jack waved a tabloid newspaper in the Doctor's face. The Sun headline read ALIEN LIFE ON FARM.

The Doctor peered at the blaring headline, "How is that good then?"

"Because it means Gwen and me cleared up this little investigation last night whilst you two were…," Jack suddenly seemed lost for words.

"What were we doing?" Donna had poked her head out from under the covers. "Do I want to know? Hang on, yes I bloody well do!"

"I'm sure it was all innocent!" Jack placated her. "Let's go and have some breakfast to celebrate?"

Both Donna and the Doctor turned slightly green at the mention of food. "You go eat, Jack. Donna and me will…," he gave Donna a glance, "find a way to get dressed. And then we'll discuss tactics later."

"Sure thing, Doc! Okay, I'm off to meet Gwen, and you two can 'discuss' whatever you like," Jack pulled his greatcoat on and grabbed the door. "By the way Donna, I was impressed by your moves!" he threw them a cheeky grin, and disappeared out through the door.

Donna gave a mortified squeak and dived under the covers again. "Donna? It's okay, he was kidding!" the Doctor tried to soothe her. "I'm positive nothing happened!"

She peeked back out, "How can you be so sure?" Her fearful gaze almost broke his hearts.

"Because I know us! And we'd never do anything to harm our friendship," he rubbed comforting circles on her back. He felt her relax under his careful touch.

"In that case, what the hell were we thinking?" she asked him softly.

"Ah! That's the point; we weren't thinking, we were drinking," he replied. They both laughed.

"Promise me one thing, will you, Spaceman?" she hugged him.

"What's that?" he returned the hug.

"Never ever let Captain Jack Harkness near me again!" she chuckled.

"Will do! Especially if he's carrying some Belaxian alcohol with him!" and they sealed the promise with a kiss.